Kind Advices Needed

[sunboi80]

Hi All

sorry 1st for the lengthy post... this is my current situation, My wife and I are both divorcee who have failed in our 1st marriage. My wife came to me with a son and this year we had our daughter. I've always treated my stepson as my own and tried to be a good father to him. i.e. love and discipline him at the same time (when he is throwing tantrums, naughty etc..) I know with the arrival of our daughter, my ILs will definitely look at me more differently as they will think i will ill treat my stepson. I am a very principled man, i.e. if i say i will beat and if after my repeated warnings still dun listen i will sure beat. that's my character.so there are a few instances whereby i really beat my stepson cos he doesn't listen and throw unnecessary tantrums which is common for a 5 yr old. however i did not use much strength, and after even scolding i will take the trouble to explain why i have to punish him. (for example, want to watch TV and don't wan to do homework).
yesterday i had a big argument with my wife who pour out all her grievances and wanted to call it quits just like that. in her view it will be better for the kids...
she said we had very different views and i always wanted to "win" (like-wise), and i am showing favoritism to my daughter. she even said her mother say me wanted to "punch" my stepson. WTH!!! I don't rem me doing that. even if i did, it was just playing with him cos recently for dunno wat reason, he always play with his fist...
I've always make a conscious effort to be a father to my son, bo chup also wrong, chup too much also wrong. I don't know what i should do already.... I can swear that i nv treated my son differently, in fact i always try to treat him better. even my my daughter (7 mths ) fusses too much i will also scold her but she dun understand of cos.
I know my wife is overbearing sometimes and likes to be the decision maker. in fact she will ask her family for opinions rather than me and when she decides on something i have to follow. that's wat i am trying tell her yesterday, she gotta respect me as a father as her hb, but she says i just wanted to win all the time. there is one time, where she wanted my daughter to say at her parent's hse, reason being too late, but previously we have decided that we will bring her back. she never seek my opinion nor tell me she just pull out a mattress and say she staying with daughter while i standing and waiting for them to go bk like a goon. of cos i am insistent lah, if u tell me nicely i will relent but u just do such things and expect me to ok. i can't right. say our roles are interchanged will u accept like this? am i wrong to ask for some respect? respect me and i will respect u.
My son spits (not vomit) on carpet, i ask him to clean up, she says he is sick so ask her mum's maid to clean. wrong also? sick or wat, also cannot spit anywhere and anytime right? i am just trying to teach him the correct values, not all the time have a maid to help u clean, u spit, u gotta clean ( responsibility) ,no matter u sick or what, also cannot spit anywhere u like (civic)

she says i am ill treating him and showing him different treatment...
Kind souls out there, what should i do? I love my family, i trying my best to keep my family together, but seems that my wife and ILs don't understand my efforts or doesn't want to. they judge things by their own perspective. i am stern to my son cos i wan to teach him, but they only think sayang is the best. my wife say the kids don't need a father, need maternal side only. I am very sad... all the efforts i made wasted, ppl still see me as evil stepfather. now even my wife thinks so.... sianz and tired.

what should i do? no matter how i quarrel or argue with my wife, they never see my pt nor where i am coming from, they just insist on what they think is correct but they say i only wanted to win. during any arguments i just voice out my opinions and views, wrong? i don't understand how that relates to "wanting to win"...

 

[jkwedding308]

Firstly, I am glad that you're trying to keep your family together and that you're trying your best to love your stepson like your own. While your intentions and motives are good, I'm not sure if the way you approach the situation is done appropriately as I don't know the full specifics of each and every issue. I am not a parent myself so I won't pretend to be an expert but I do have experience working with young children. A common approach is for parents to punish the children and perhaps explain that they're punished because they've done something wrong. The only concept the child walks away with is doing XYZ is wrong and if daddy or mummy catches me doing XYZ, I will be punished. The child doesn't understand why doing XYZ is wrong in the first place and why daddy or mummy needs to punish them when their friends may not be punished for doing something similar. Even if they don't repeat XYZ in the future, they may still make a wrongdoing that is closely linked to XYZ. To give you an example, you told your son to finish his homework and not watch TV. Does he identify watching TV as wrong or watching TV when he's neglecting his homework as wrong? It's two different things to begin with. Did you explain to him why watching TV when he's neglecting his homework is wrong? Does he understand the concept of priorities as well as the concept of cause and consequence? It's common for parents to tell their children that watching TV when they're neglecting their homework is wrong and subsequently punish them but not all parents will further explain to their children that it is wrong because neglecting homework leads to neglecting education leads to less opportunities to get the kind of job they desire which may result in less job satisfaction and perhaps lesser financial ability in the future. Ask your son what kind of ambition he has (kids often change their minds but it's ok) and how he will feel if he can't get that job because his results were not as good because he chose to watch more TV instead of focusing on his studies when he needs to. Tell him that watching TV in itself is not wrong but is in fact good as it can be a form of relaxation and you can also learn new things via media but that he needs to know that his studies needs to come first. Even as you try to encourage him so that he may be successful career-wise someday, explain to him that career and money isn't everything either and if he should fail in getting the job he wants someday, it doesn't make him a complete failure and that you will still love him for who he is. I know this is a lot for a 5-year-old to take in but such explanations can be gradually given out as he slowly but surely grows up. When he makes other mistakes, do not be quick to jump to the conclusion that he is naughty - question him why he did those things in the first place. Sometimes children can surprise us that their original intention is in fact good but the way they approach the matter is wrong (e.g. a child may steal money not for themselves but to buy something that a younger sibling wants). When such issues arise, applaud the child for the right intentions but explain to him/her how and why the approach is wrong and how such wrongdoing can be rectified and not repeated in the future. Brainstorm together other correct approaches should similar situations happen again in the future. Same thing goes for even things like spitting. Inculcate civic-mindedness by asking your son to put himself in someone else's shoes. For instance, ask him how he will feel if you were to spit on his favourite toy. If he doesn't like it, then why would he want to do that to his grandma's carpet? How would that make grandma feel? Similar questions can be adopted in other situations and hopefully your son can be groomed into someone who is more civic-minded, thoughtful and selfless.

Now that we've dealt with the children bit, let's move on to the grown ups i.e. your wife and in-laws. I don't know how her ex-husband may have treated her and your stepson but scars from previous relationships including a broken marriage can sometimes be carried forward to current and future relationships (this perhaps applies to yourself as well). A woman who brings a child into a new marriage will instinctively exercise her maternal rights to try to protect and shield her child from any potential abuse or lack of love from her new partner. Sometimes this may make your wife protect your stepson a little too much for his own good or be more sensitive to even the most trivial of matters. Rather than appearing as the dictator who is seizing every opportunity to torture her son (most likely you aren't but we can never tell how sensitive your wife may perceive the situation), use the opportunities that come your way to strengthen your marriage by showing your wife the mutual respect that you hope to earn from her. What this means is that you also seek for her to exercise joint parenthood in the disciplining of your stepson. When an issue arise, do not be hasty to reprimand your stepson quickly. Take a step back, explain what has happened to your wife and what you suggest you can do to discipline your stepson but also ask her for her input on the issue. It will not happen overnight but gradually over time, hopefully she'll appreciate the respect you've shown her and will return her respect to you. When she disagrees with your method, do not be quick to jump into any arguments but gently ask her why not and ask her how your stepson should be disciplined instead and why. Never use any harsh or condescending tones or she'll assume that you're either biased in how you treat your children or that you're so egoistic in wanting to win every argument. Learn to be humble to say sorry and ask for her forgiveness when the situation warrants it. It can bruise a man's pride but women are generally more emotional beings so appeal to her more feminine side by being man about it by plucking the courage to admit you're wrong when you're wrong. Again, hopefully she'll see that she too makes mistakes and will likewise ask for your forgiveness in time to come.

One of the reasons why she always asks your in-laws for opinion is because she realizes that they're always there for her even when her husband (either her ex or even you) may not be there for her. They are her support pillars that she has learnt to rely and depend on even as she watched her first marriage crumble. Rather than being one-sided in the decisions that you make, invite your in-laws into the process as well and have open discussions. They will see for themselves that whatever allegations their daughter or grandson make may have been misconceptions. They can bring in the wisdom of their past experiences so that you and your wife can make better informed decisions. Likewise, they may in time also learn to be a part of the team that disciplines your stepson when it is needed. Of course it will be impractical to have them partake in every single decision-making so use your own judgement wisely and discreetly as well.

Don't lose heart. The journey hasn't ended but has only just begun. I wish you all the best as you win back your wife, stepson and in-laws with lots of love, patience and respect. May you and your family reap the fruits of love and familyhood.

 

[miloice]

hi, your step son is clearly manipulating. You cannot start with physical punishment. would suggest you start with building the trust and bond. Spend more time reasoning and talking. Even if he is rebellious. Hitting him, is not going to go well with him and your partner. The fact is you are his step father and the natural defenses will be there. Unfair as it is, you are not in a good position to execute physical punishment at this moment. I can be very fierce with my son and I know he fear my enforcement. The most I had, was a light smacking on his bum. He was already very traumatized by the experience. At the end, we made up, with me apologizing for hitting him and reflecting together why we didn't do well, that both father and son making the commitment to manage it better together. Don't give up talking and connecting with him. Use lots of empathy, love and communication. No matter how angry, show the importance to keep composure, kids observe from us. If we resort to violence in anger, they see emotion as a justification to react badly.

 

[sunboi80]

Hi all tks for the advices. Firstly I did explain to son why he need to spend time to study and watch tv. But the thing is the 1st thing he woke up is watch tv and all his time at home is watch tv as well. I told him that he must allocate time to study as well. As for the if dun study cannot get desired job. I dun think he understands now. I think my in laws and my wife ( which made me saddest) judge me as guilty until proven innocence but till now ive have not been able to prove myself as innocent. Im very sad that its not easy for us to be together after our failed marriage and she want to give us just like this. To say the truth theres many things she do which I dont agree or see things differently but cos I think those are minor I also nv make noise or complain. To me marriage or relationship is 101% compromise, 50% love and 50% communications. I am making compromises but just cos I dont say it she don't realise it? Why cant she also compromise abit on her part? Don't she know this simple theory as well? And the hitting part. I also nv hit hard. Just a light tap with the ruler and he can cry like he have been spanked for 1hr with a cane.i nv wanted to make one sided decisions whenever I got decisions to make I will wan to discuss with them. Tell them my views and solict theirs as well. But dunno why they feel I am just "trying to win"... to me I am just trying to shape my son's character when he is young so that in future when he grow up he will be strong and can stand anything that is thrown at him. But they don't see it that way... they dun see my good intentions. They see it as my way to mask my evil intention to hit my son. In my last rs, someone told me when the love is gone, anything u do can irritate the other party. I am not sure if I am looking at the same situation now. Am I so suay to be misunderstood all the time? I dont know very sianz very tired. I told my wife since ull think im ill treating my son I wun scold or beat him again. Sayang him only like ull do. Their style. For my daughter when she grows up, I will still use my method so ull wun say im biased or showing favoritism...

 

[miloice]

hi bro, not faulting your good intentions at all. It is good that you are trying to enforce some consistency in parenting, however, once again, physical punishment should be left as the absolutely last resort when it is needed to put a stop deterrence to a very bad behavior immediately. It must still be follow up with lots of explanations, connection with the kid.

My boy is going 4 this year, not even the age of yours. However, we have all been boys, not sure if you were rebellious. I never did really connect with my old man till I was in my 30s. As a kid, I challenged and rebuked him, was whacked up with belts and caned on every inch of my arms and legs. With that, I challenged him to kill me or I will grow up to beat him back one day. I was a difficult child myself. What I do is relate with my son. Sharing with him how I can understand him. Through the sharings, he became curious and that's where I bring the stories to relate with the lessons. I find that effective to connect and influence him. Even at his young age, he is able to comprehen, share with his mother and helper what I taught him. The innocence in his version of things really amuse us. Keep it interesting, when I share something and he doesn't give me any attention, I would try to use other materials on the topic. e.g. when introducing the idea of NS to him, during my reservist period, I used youtube videos on NS, bringing him to airport to see soldiers on patrol etc. Visual aids that get his attention and you can easily bridge and relate to the lessons you want to impart. Be creative and have real fun with it.

Don't assume he doesn't understand, I have been speaking with my boy since he was a baby with everyone saying I'm talking too deep topics with him. Just ask him what he thinks, and why are things this way, making it interactive and at the same time, ensuring he absorb something from it. Everyone in the family is just amaze at how much he can understand at this tender age. Young minds are much more powerful than we think.

Compromise is part and parcel of every personal relationship, however, it needs to come naturally and not you feeling unjust. You cannot really distribute it in terms of percentage. That serve to frustrate more than build anything. Enjoy parenting and take it a step at a time. Parenting is a journey for both child and parent, you will get a different experience perceptive with your daughter and son, they are clearly different people and different context. We will naturally be stricter with the first boy. We cannot help it, it is much deep rooted in us, that its father's responsibility to ensure the son will grow up responsible and able to take care of his family.

 

[jkwedding308]

I agree with @miloice ... We can tell that your intentions are good but physical punishment shouldn't always be the first form of punishment. The child needs to understand the situation. Never assume that your child is too young to understand "adult" concepts. Like what miloice is doing, my parents too have started sharing and discussing with me "difficult" concepts ever since I was a young girl. They were very open and frank and no topic was ever made taboo. They have never belittled my questions no matter how ridiculous they seem and they are never too afraid to share of their own weaknesses and past mistakes that I may learn from them and not make similar mistakes. Even as a child, I was already having adult-to-adult kind of conversations with my parents - imagine that a primary school girl has already chatted with her parents and understood the concepts of finances, sex, peer pressure, trust and betrayal, challenges in relationships and marriage, career and business woes including failures and bankruptcy, natural disasters, wars and conflicts, human sufferings, etc. Through the sharings and examples that they've modeled to me, I have grown up to who I am today thanks to them. I'm not bragging that I'm "perfect" for clearly I am not but what I'm trying to put across is that good parenting including sharing from young can help groom a child to be more aware and observant of their surroundings, civic-minded, humble, non-judgmental, and see the bigger picture to make the right decisions. My parents brought me up as their equal in that they treated me and respected me as an individual who is like their close friend (hence there was never any generation gap) but when the situation warrants it, they exercised their parental rights and responsibilities by disciplining me which still reinforces the idea that my position before them is still as their daughter and child first and foremost. There were countless verbal reprimands and I wasn't spared physical punishment either (in my case, it was the cane and not a ruler). But my parents made sure I understood why I was punished the way I was punished and they were never too egoistic to similarly apologize to me when they may have "over-disciplined" me at times. As the saying goes, "spare the rod and spoil the child". But I'll add to that by saying that while we aim not to spare the rod (disciplining) so that our child will not be spoilt, we need to learn how and when to best use the rod.

And yes, it can be really frustrating when you feel that your wife isn't similarly making compromises like you do. As a newlywed myself (coming up to 3 months soon), I do not profess to be an expert on marital issues. It's only human to want to have certain expectations of our spouse but when we are overly concerned to expect of our spouse every single time when we compromise or make a sacrifice, we lose the joy of loving our spouse selflessly and end up being bitter. Marriage is never about "me" or "you" (I do this. I do that. I sacrifice this. I compromise on that. Why can't you think of me? Why can't you compromise too? Why are you so selfish? Why am I always the one getting things done? Why can't you be more understanding?). Marriage is about "us" and "others" (None of us is perfect but it's ok. How can we help one another to bring out the best in each other? How can we help each other accept the difficult weaknesses that we can't seem to change? How can we display our strengths that we may cover for the other's weaknesses? How do we learn to apologize, forgive and move on? How can we make our marriage work? How can we be more outward-looking in our marriage? How can we use our marriage to help others including our children, in-laws, friends and even strangers?).

Marriage and parenting are never easy. They are both full of challenges but can similarly be rewarding. I aim to pour my whole heart out into both even as I'm realistic that there will be setbacks at times and I hope you do too.

 

[evantheguy]

Hi TS,

I could understand your frustration and wanting the best for your family. I'm in a similar situation like you but was in a better position.

First of all, I would like to let you know that being a stepparent was never a easy one, it took more effort that those with their own. So much issue can be avoided if you can agree on some basic definitions of that role, and be alert to sensitivities with it. You and your spouse should begin with an open and candid discussion about the fears and expectations regarding the relationship with the child. Once you understand each other's expectation, then you have a place to start shaping what the role will be like. I think that it is important to find out what you can agree on and thereby narrow your differences.

Every situation is different, but in most situations, disciplining your nonbiological children is fraught with danger, since it's likely to create resentment on the part of your spouse. Kid can manipulative. There is once she told her mom that I hit her (in actual fact no such incident). When they questioned her when, why, what, she say don't know. Later then we found out that someone is poisoning her mind. The trust between your spouse and you had to be there. It take effort. Both you and your spouse should discuss the rules of the house and negotiate an agreement for what standards the children will be held to.

Relating to the children, you may want to be seen as an ally and support. Your presence can play an important balancing role in terms of modeling and information-giving about life from the male point of view. This role is in no way an attempt to replace the biological parent.As for what you would need to do next, do start specifically asking for what your spouse want and need. For example, if he is naughty, what should you do?

It's true that it's difficult to see things through someone else's eyes if you haven't walked in their shoes. I wish you all the best.