Is my marriage drifting apart?

K

kfanss

New Member
It has been quite sometimes since I last posted. I have been feeling unhappy and troubled. Feel that my relationship with my hb is drifting apart but hb insists that we have no problem, just that I am overly suspicious. Hope someone could offer me some advice.

We have not had any sex for more than 6 months. We had many quarrels on this and he finally admitted that he has lost interest and he is not sexually attracted to me. However, he said lack of intimacy does not mean he does not love me anymore. We still hug and kiss (but not those long kiss) but I am the one who usually requested. I want to have baby but he is not keen and we are not getting any younger. We have been married for about 5 years.

Our communication is getting lesser and lesser. At work, we seldom call each other. The most during lunchtime, he will call me and ask whether I had my lunch, what did I eat? And that’s all, the conversation end. Our phone conversation ended usually less than a minute, but with his friends, he can chat very long. After work, sometimes, we had dinner together and after dinner, he will send me home first and subsequently go out to meet his friends or clients. He meets his friends & clients (different group) every night and will only be back home in the morning, sometimes till 3-4 am. I cannot comprehend why he needs to see them every night. To him, it seem that earning money, career and his friends are so much more important than his family. Even when we are together, we have little to talk. I admitted that sometimes bcos I am too angry, I give him cold shoulder and show him black face. Maybe bcos of that, he is also afraid of talking to me.

Many times, I tried to talk to him and voice out my opinions. Though he listened to me but he will just ignore. He enjoys his current lifestyle and has told me that I have to accept it and find my own things to do. I know he is a busy man and yes I do not expect him to stay at home every night. But surely, he can be at home at least for 1 to 2 days, right? Am I asking for the impossible?

I wonder whether I have married the wrong man. He has changed and seems not the guy whom I have known or perhaps I did not really get to know him well before we get married but he wasn’t like that in the past. Our characters are different. He is impatient, aggressive, confident, untidy, does not really care for people feeling, do his own things and domineering whereas I am soft, gentle, neat, accommodating, romantic and I am trying not to be too dependent on him.

Tough he kept saying that he still loves and cares for me but sometime his actions show otherwise. At one time, I caught him having close relationship with some girls (saw some exchange of lovey doevy msg and emails). He claimed that was his clients and he just feng chang zhuo xi with them. Chose to believe him one time but I know I do not trust him totally now. Sometimes, I become suspicious at little things and asked him a lot of questions and he will say that I am too paranoid.

What should I do to salvage or rekindle this marriage? I am scared that with more cold wars and resentment, our relationship will turn sour and our marriage eventually becomes an obligation rather than love.
 


Hey babe - Your story reminded me of a friend who was also stuck in the rut with her marriage some years ago. She has been married for 7-8 years and although she is keen to start a family, her hubby always finds excuses to shelf any baby discussions.

Like your hubby, he would hang out with friends/clients (as he claimed) till late and would always have a ready excuse for doing so. Later it was revealed that he did it to avoid any repeated grilling, nagging and whining from his wife.

It became a vicious cycle. Wife gets paranoid, husband gets annoyed and wife gets even more paraniod.

One day, my friend decided to break out from that cycle by taking trips with her girlfriends, learning fencing and even scuba diving - basically doing stuff that she always wanted to do for herself. Conversations with her hubby gradually became more interesting as she was able to share exciting snippets of her new life. Keeping herself busy also slowly stopped her from second guessing too much. Over time, her hubby found himself falling in love with the same woman he had first met - the confident, adventurous and cheerful free spirit. In their 10th year of marriage, they had a baby boy.

I had wrote something elsewhere on this forum with regards to how I believe relationships should be based on and i'll reiterate it here for your benefit (this is strictly my pov and i am no relationship expert though):

It is often tempting to think that doing something in common together as a couple day in day out would sustain a relationship. However, it be be most ironic in that you have less interesting topics or ideas to introduce into your relationship and even in your daily conversation with your partner.

The idea is to keep your relationship fresh with things to talk about - much like how your relationship first started with so much "mysteries" to uncover and explore about each other. Not usual rant about office politics or bitching about how life sucks but exciting revelations or perspectives from a new hobby or even a trip that you alone embark on.

What I'm trying to say is perhaps you should start living your own life and not have your life revolve around him.

/shrug who knows? He may just find the new you refreshing and hence rekindles the interests and passion he had for you since he first met you. Even if it doesn't work out in the end with you and him, you know you can move on.

I wish you all the best!
 
There are 2 major problems now in your marriage:

1. No sex and hb admitted that he has lost sexual interest in you. How old are you and hb? You mentioned you want a baby so I guess both of you are in your 20s to 30s. If so, this can be a serious problem as you still have many years ahead of you. Lack of sexual attraction for couples in their 50s to 60s is still ok.

2. He goes out EVERY night with friends/clients till wee hours leaving you alone. Men like to say that they go to night spots to entertain clients and their career advancement is very impt. Is there a guarantee that by going to such places EVERY night will let the men shoot up in their career path? I don't know. Perhaps the men here can give some comments.

It seems to me that your hb is using the marriage to avoid commitment with the girls he feng chang zuo xi with, which in a way, depends on how you see it, can be a good thing as this means those girls are really just for feng chang zuo xi and nothing serious and emotional.

He said that he still loves you very much. Other than the lack of intimacy and the nightly outings, how does he show his affection? Does he buy you meals, brings you to doctors when you are sick, does he treat your family well, does he buy things for you, celebrate important dates with you, etc?

I agree with i3nim that you should pursue your own hobby. When you channel the time and energy from your hb to something else, you will think less of the problems and be happier and healthier. Of course, this does not mean the problems will cease to exist if you don't think about it but even if you think about it, what can you do? As you have said, you tried talking to him but he did nothing to improve the situation so stop thinking and lead your own life. Perhaps one day the problems may resolve by itself, eg: he may "siang kai" and stop going out at night. He may initiate conversations with you after realizing you do not "nag" at him anymore, etc. and your face are not "black" anymore. You may find your own friends/hobbies/interests and look forward to spending time with your friends/attend classes instead of waiting for him. Sometimes the wives need to "disappear" for a while. If they are always around on standby mode to "serve" the husbands, the men will take it for granted.

And if your hb still continues the old way and you 2 are living 2 separate lives and that there are no more communications, not even verbal ones, then it will be time to do some serious consideration about your marriage. Better to move on early now that you do not have babies with him yet. When kids come in, it will be a much more complicated scenario.

All the best.
 
Hi i3nim and nemo

Thanks for your advice. Indeed, knowing that I have to change myself first, I recently engaged myself with things that I have always wanted to do. Eg, attending workshop, go out with girlfriends, go gym, travel with my families instead of with him (usually I always go holidays with him but nowadays lesser bcos of his busy work schedules and occasionally he also has to travel for business). So, I am already trying to do things to occupy myself but yet I still feel loneliness whenever I am alone at home. Perhaps I have to find more activities to do but sometimes, after a long day work, I am too lazy to go out and I rather stay at home to watch DVD. I really envy those couples who watch DVD together and cuddle at home. My hubby not the type who can stay at home unless he is sick. Another problem is my circle of friends not as wide as him, he has different groups of friends to go out with but I do not have. Most of my so called close girlfriends are married with kids and they are so occupied with their kid that they basically have no time to come out.

As for baby thingy, I am mentally tired too, trying to convince him why we should have bb early. I feel that he does not spare a thought for me. We are in our early 30s. I have expressed my thought to him that I do not want to be gao lin chan fu but well I think this is not the issue now. The issue is the passion has gone and I need to work on this part on how to make him sexually attracted to me (I actually have the thought of going to see a fortune teller to see how I can solve this problem, silly me right!!). A few times, I initiated but he will reject me, saying that he is not in the mood, tried, want to sleep etc. I am disheartened and as times goes by, I also don’t feel the need for it. To be frank, our sex life from the beginning not that frequent. He used to initiate but sometimes I reject him bcos of tiredness. So, now he kept using this to rebut me whenever we argue. But, is not true, even though not frequent, but at least also once a week or once in 2 weeks but now totally zero.

To be fair to my hubby, other than the lack of intimacy and nightly outgoings, he does show concern to me. Whenever we quarrel, most of the time, he will give in and try to patch up with me. Eg, we have argument again last night over the same issues and this morning, he will hold my hand first when sending me to work. He does indulge me with things and foods, he celebrates my birthday, anniversary etc (but he is not the romantic type lah, not many surprises from him, just the same old things, buy me things and bring me to good restaurant), I need not worry about household expenses, he iron his own shirts, he tried to help with housework (but nowadays lesser), he pays for my recent holiday expenses. It is no doubts that he can provide me with luxuries but what I really want is his love and concern for me and more thought & plan for starting a family. Actually, I am aware that he still cares for me but I am just worry that our thinking is drifting apart, I feel that our goals in life are different.
 
From you post I think your hb still cares for you. He still has affections for you. If so, maybe having a bb will help to draw both of you closer.

I have some guy friends (and also some girlfriends too) who like to hang out in pubs after work before they have kids. Once they have babies, they totally change and become "stay at home dads". Not to say they quit job and look after kids. They still have jobs but stay at home after work everyday to look after, help out and play with their kids.

Of course, they will still need to go for entertainment with clients every now and then, especially if the clients fly in from overseas so cannot reject. But if no need to do entertainment, they will stay at home and reduce the no. of night outings with friends.

The challenge now is how to make your baby-making plan succeed. May I ask if you and hb have the habit of watching "xiao dian ying". If so, maybe can watch together to "build the mood" and then ML after that? Or go for some make-over, change hairstyle, change dressing, etc? Men are visual so perhaps that will draw his attention to you.
 
Hi Nemo

That' what I thought too. With added responsibility, maybe he will stay home more often as I am sure he will want to see the bb too. I heard some of my fren told me that men change after they have kids. However, we does not even ML, how to make the baby? We used to watch those kind of movies ocassionally last time, but I dont really enjoy watching bcos some scenes quite 'gross'. It is also difficult to get him stay at home nowadays to watch movies, he was hardly at home. By the time he comes home, I am asleep already. Weekends also same thing.
I agree that I have to change but I am not sure whether my effort will pay off.
 
Hi Doll

Are you referring to the 'affairs" he had with some girls which I have found out? He assured me that it was just feng chang zhuo xi. There was no further things besides those emails & msg. If you were me, would you choose to believe him?
 
Hi Kfanss

I also believe my hubby did not have affairs when I find out the email and message til a day a woman come up to my house knocking on my door. Sometimes we just choose to believe blindly because of love. He also pamper me alot and do all the housework, therefore no one believe that he will ever cheat on me. Do you really believe that your hubby is working everynight and the picture you see just a show??
 
Kfanss, would you address your male client "Lao Gong" and tell him "I love you", and/or allow him to address you as "Bao bei" and tell you "I love you"? Would you :take pictures with him behaving very intimately"? Would you exchange "topless pictures" with him?

I have concert and movie tickets for my clients too but I mail a pair to each of them so that they can have a good time with their loved ones. Even if I attend the same event, I don't go as their partner. I have been on overseas business trips with colleagues or clients but my department secretary did all the bookings for us.

I can't tell you what to believe. You have to reflect upon your situation, his behaviour and your heart.

But just to answer your question posed in the title of this thread and from how you have described the state of your marriage, I would say, yes, your husband and you have already drifted apart.
 
These 2 weeks I have been thinking a lot, I admit that our marriage has drifted apart but still I do not know what should I do? To move on without him, I can't do it. Afterall, I know that I still love him and do not want to abandon our 8 yrs relationship. To stay on, I feel miserable and do not want to continue with such life. He is not going to change. I have to change myself to suit his lifestyle if I want to carry on. I am not sure how much longer can I hold on. Our communication is almost zero. We can keep silent throughtout a car journey. If I voice my opinions, he will say that I kept saying the same old things, he is tried and immune already. So, nowadays I rather not talk abt it as telling him how I feel seem to irritate him more.

About the affairs, he assured me that he did not bed the girl and things is not what I have thought. He admitted that many girls like him and some will send him such lovey msg and he just play along bcos some are his business associate. He claimed that he has stopped all these since I dont like it. Regarding the topless pic, the girl sent it to him. In fact, he does not know until I tell him bcos I was the one who found out that email. But somehow this incident has casted a shadow to our marriage. I have no confident at all. Negative thought always linger in my mind. How to think positively? How to know whether my hb still love me? How to make our marraige works?
 
Hi kfanss

I understand how you feel. I had communication problems with my hb for 2.5 years too. We had a big fight & I left home. After that, it was down slope all the way. We don't talk at all, we can remain silent all day. He told me he doesn't have feelings for me anymore but he can't let me go.

At the beginning, I was crying almost everyday at work because it was so painful.

It can be very disheartening, I feel like giving up and even thought of divorce but the love for him sustain the r/s on.

If you have a religion, I would sincerely ask you to pray and hang on to it. That's what I do and recently he started opening up to me and our marriage is healing. I cannot say its the same as before but at least it is progressing.

I kept myself busy when he was not around, going tours with family, friends (I missed him so much when I was on tour), I went gym etc etc. Recently, I even decided to lose some weight so that I can look better and be healthy when we have bb next time.

Whatever you do, be +ve, confident and be yourself. Always look fwd, not backward.

Know that you have a friend who understand how you feel..
 
Kfanss, from what you have described, it is a power struggle. There is a saying that goes - "Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least."

You asked, "How to think positively? How to know whether my hb still love me? How to make our marraige works?"

Positive thinking is not the answer to every difficult situation, certainly not yours. Why, because a marriage takes two to make it but only one to break it. Perhaps your husband loves you like a kin and not as a wife. Wouldn't it make you two "married singles" living under the same roof?
 
Hi Kfanss..

I do agreed with Doll, a marriage takes two to work. I has been in your position once, trying every ways to make my marriage work but in the end he chose to move out and said we both need a 'cool down' period. I did alot of thinking and found that if I am the only one who still want the marriage, it will not going to work. Communication and trust have to be there, if you really choose to believe his words then you really have to let go of the emails and sms you has seen. You must never bring up that topic again.

Another consideration is that are you really happy at this moment just to be with him in this marriage? Maybe you should give yourself sometime to find out what you really want in your marriage and your own future.
 
Hi Virginmobile

Thanks for sharing your experience and glad that there is support somewhere from this forum. Indeed, our situation quite similar, but my case is in the beginning stage I suppose (about 5 months since we start having problem), that's why I said I do not know how much longer I can hold. I hope I can hang on. I do not have a religion, I am a free thinker. Lately, I shared my problem with a friend, after talking to her, I feel much better. Sometimes, bottom up all the grievances may be no good, we need to let go. Luckily, there is this avenue for me to do so. I read a lot of stories from this forum, I can see that some of the cases worst than me, so this make feel that my hb is not that bad afterall. I sincerely hope you and your hb can progress well. So, you also married a long time with no kid?
 
Two "married singles" living under the same roof
Hi doll, I know where you are coming from. I thought so too. I am afraid that he only treat me as a kin rather than his lover. This is my greatest fear but he always said I think too much.

Yesterday night, we have a long talk again after 2 days of cold war. He stayed at home yesterday. I can feel that he wants to patch up with me (bcos I have been giving him very very cold shoulder), he gave me a good hug, good nite kiss and asked me not to think too much. I am a soft hearted person and usually give in after he shows his care & concern.
 
Yappie, I cannot say I am very very happy now with him bcos I have resentment towards him (for a few things that I am not happy with and he is not going to change). But one thing I know is I dont want to give up this marriage at this juncture.
 
Hi gals

I have a question. What do you think of guys who are married but yet does not like to put on his wedding ring? Is this a sign that he does not put the marriage to heart?
 
Maybe for him, the marriage has hit a certain rock long time ago, way before u discover it. It could be boredom, resentment of certain things u do, etc.. the reason I am saying this is that when my wife started to talk to me abt certain issues tat she was unhappy abt, I got a shock of my live, but apparently, she has been feeling it for long time already. Than again, I may be wrong. u r the best person to know ur own relationship.

If you really want to save ur relationship, u should talk abt your unhappiness to him, slowly, in a nice manner. If u keep ur resentment to urself, u will be in a unhappy marriage, one day, u could be the one tat throw in the towel. Just like wat my wife did.
 
I agree wif lancer

kfanss
since you still have resentment towards your hubby, it's better to talk it out calmly.
Most men are clueless abt what is going on in women's mind.
 
kfanss,

regarding your qn about married men who doesn't like to wear wedding rings, i think it is a matter of what sort of reason he gives for not wearing. there is no definite right or wrong, for he can be wearing the ring in front of you then the moment he is out of the house, he removes it.

if he has been wearing all the time and lately not wearing, gives excuses like got rash, lost, uncomfortable etc. then something MAY BE wrong. but must look into other factors also - whether he's been coming home late, don't want to get intimate with you, lies about where he is etc.
 
actually alot of guys dun have a habit of wearing rings... so it could be a habitual thing and just a feeling of not wanting somethng around one's finger... it could be tat simple.

also i feel it's impt to Like your ring... so sometimes good to have the guy choose the wedding band if u so particular on him wearing it. for myself i just dun like any rings on my left fingers... so i wear my wedding band on my right... i designed it so becos i like it i wear it. but i would still never wear anything on my left hand except my watch... it's just a feeling, i dun like the feeling and i'll feel ickywith a ring around my left wedding finger.
 
this is chim . how can u use a metal to conclude if he loves you or not ..like the above ppl says ..

some dun like to wear things on the hands? some dun wan to scratch it or contact with chemical due to jobscope ? some prefer the mind over body thing? ..

its the heart that counts not that piece of metal ..
 
Another type of crap logic about marriage.

Ring or not ring it is still the heart and action that counts.

I NEVER wear a ring and will NEVER wear one (ya maybe at the moment of marriage I will wear it).

I don't even wear a watch. I don't like any accessory at all.
 
Hi There.
Hi Kfanss. I am in the same boat as you.
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My relationship with my hb seem to be on the rock too. Like you, we seldom talk nowadays.Have no sex life. And he always hang out with his friends till wee hours and i am left at home alone. Sleeping on the bed alone. Like you..my friends are married and with kids and they are too busy for me. Because of the frustration that i am always being left alone... i will give him black face and cold shoulder.He will always try to "hong" me..saying he is sorry and wants patch up. When one fine day i told him that we need to talk, i feel that we have a problem with our relationship. He say he olso realise that. He say that he do not like to talk to me because we have totally different views on things. Sometimes will end up quarelling. We have no common topics..he likes financial news/stuffs and i am more attracted to gossips and entertainments news. I like horror movies and he dislikes. He go on saying that we have different characters and so on. He say he feel terrible sometimes that when he tries to likes what i likes and talk to me what i like to talk about. This makes me feel very heart broken. We are together for 10years before we commit into marriage last year.I am like who i am since 10years ago, but now only i hear this from him. Did he regrate this marriage? I really do not know how to answer him. I olso don't know what should i do? Crying every night is like routine now. I try to keep myself busy too to look out for courses and it will start next year. But i can't help feeling lost. I am not sure how long our relationship can hang on.I always try to be a good wife. I do most of the housework, cook for him if possible despite i work late. When he is sick..i will take leave & stay at home to look after him. Maybe i am not doing enough or maybe his determination of good wife is diiferent from me. I am not his soul mate? I really don't know what is the next step to take or like you, i do not how to rekindle this relationship. Having a bb is not possible because we are not financially stable yet. He is taking his master now...and we do not have the money for any family planning.
 
Hi Kranss/Victoria Rose,
Although I am not married. I do have a long RS before.. For me, I think your partners still have feeling for you gals. Some guys tend to get bored with wife/gf after long time together.. I suggest that if you can try to improve your appearance by wearing the clothes/perfumes/slim down, the way they like (sound shallow I know but it does work for some). Some couples will take it for granted to do things that have attracted your partners in the first place..

As for diff interests, not many partners will always have the same interests. But you can always find something 2 of you will be interested, like sourcing for good food/restaurants around to eat. Everyone loves good food..

Imagine yourself going work, knowing your boss will likely be pulling long faces or give you a good scolding frequently. Do you think you look forward to go to work? Try to be cheery(know its hard given that you likely quite depressed now), but your husbands might eventually realize going home can actually be their best time in a day..
 
kfanss, victoria

a marriage or a relationship brings two people together - two separate individuals. just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean that you must give up your individuality or expect your partner/ or yourself to change to suit the other person.

find some common ground - victoria, you have been in this relationship for 10 years. i'm sure there must have been something there for you two to last this long .. just because you have different interests, doesn't mean that things won't work out. my husband is a tech geek and i don't have any interest in that .. i watch entertainment news and vice versa .. doesn't mean that we love each other any less just because we like different things.

sometimes you might feel frustrated because here you are, assimilating into the role of wife but not feeling appreciated for what you have done .. believe me, i have been there before. but most often than not, we are the ones who's placing this 'stress' at being so perfect in this role - it's not at our partner's request, but of our own doing .. maybe it's time for you to take a step back. i'm a full-time working mother of two very small children .. sure, i want to be a good wife and mother - i want to do the best for my family but at times, i get frustrated because i feel like i'm doing all these tasks and not feeling appreciated for it .. i get annoyed rather easily and my husband usually bears the brunt of my harsh words until one day he just told me that he wanted me to take a step back - just because the laundry isn't done or that dishes aren't washed, doesn't make me any less of a mother and wife. i've learnt to be hands-off on some matters now and frankly, i admit that it's made me a happier person when i don't have to think about being this perfect person who does everything right.

try to reconnect with your partner .. like HD says, find something of interest to the two of you. for me, we will only get to spend time alone after the kids have gone to bed or on our date night. we have one day a week when the kids spent the night over at their gran's and we get to do what we like - dinner, movies, etc.

communicate, don't always assume.
 
Hi
My hb always tell me he got problem communicate with me. The thing is he always talk to me at the wrong time. Like when i am going to sleep. Sometimes i tried to listen to him...but in the end..i am the one who is wide awake after listening to him and he doze off after finish his talk. He also always say whenever he tried to tell me something..i will "oppose" and being "negative" to his ideas! I admit this is my fault..as i always look things at a negative side first then to the positive side. I am willing to change..but am i given a chance to?
Nowadays worst as he always return at wee hours. Sometime we barely communicate. I can't help feeling neglected. During x'mas eve..i am down with bad flu..i call my hb and told him i am going home rest. He told me he had an outing with his colleagues in the afternoon and he will be join them a while and be home asap. He will pack dinner for me. I am feverish and very sick tat day!So pathetic..sick on x'mas eve. I am feeling to weak and drowsy after the medication..in a daze. But there's not a single call from my hubby to check on me. Not till abt 730pm in the evening,then he sms me if i wan to eat anything. I told him i do want to eat. I admit i am angry when i sms him in return.But frankly speaking i am too sick and have no appetite at all. Guess what! He never call me. Till 830pm. He sms me again asking me if i am serious tat i do not wan to eat anything? I am very disappointed. Have he forgotten on his vows that he suspose to take care of me when i am in sickness or in health? When he reach home..he found me in running a fever where i to weak to move..i am like sick and been crying the whole day already and i do not want to talk anymore. He then use a wet towel to wipe me all over to cool down my temperature. Then he headed on to do his work. I am alone again. I don't know what i did wrong.I do not know if he love me anymore. He claim he do. But seriously..do you girls felt there's love between us? I can't felt anything....
 
HI Victoria

I feel for you as I am going through my own marriage problems as well. Actually I feel that the sparks/bond between husband and wife is very impt. Once a couple starts to feel drifted apart, many things could happen. I always believe in being honest to each other abt how u feel and work togther on a sln.

I have my own set of problems here. And I need some advice too. I have been married for 4 yrs. My relation with HB has already begin to drift apart. We are so used to our routine life that we are like 2 person living under same roof and sleep on the same bed. We have not have sex for very long and he is not keen on it. The excuse is that he is tired because of work.

Half yr back,I caught his sms exchange with a gal who i found out to be his ex-galfrd and they were together behind my back before we got married. Now, the sms, he claimed was the gal facing her marriage problem hence looking for his help. But based on what I saw, I dont believe his story 100%. He apologised and ask to give him another chance and dont want divorce. I realised that i do love him though it pains me to find out the truth but i decided to give him a chance.

It took me a few mths to get things back to normal again. And recently, i saw from the computer history this he registered himself in an adult website and is looking for sex with gals.

I had a talk with him last night. I asked if he felt that there's problem with our relationship and he admitted that we dont have sparks anymore. The solution he has in mind is to have a baby to keep us moving to next stage. But to a woman, it doesnt solve the real issue since there's already doubts in love between 2 persons. I didnt tell him that I knew abt him seeking for sex online. And he agreed that we could try to bring our relation closer by spending more time together.

Shld I let him know that I am aware of his web secret? It might be an insult or loss face if I confront him. Or shld I keep quiet and monitor if he continues to seek for sex thru the website? I am really lost. Its torturing me mentally, yet I cant show it to him, nor do i have anyone to confess to. Pls help me.
 
given such a situation, no babies for you please, not now at least...as for the adult site, some men are just seeking online thrill, not necessarily the real thing..but this is difficult to judge though...however, if indeed he is seeking sex then you are better off without him...wishing you a happy new year...
 
Thanks Clipperjunk for ur view on this.

I do think agree that baby will make things worst and I will be the one suffering in the end.

I am still keeping mum abt the online stuff. Sometimes I feel like i am living with a person with 2 personalities. On the surface, he did care for me as a person though i dont feel the attention of love. On the other hand, he is seeking for thrill behind my back. Its just hurting whenever i think abt this.
 
KK, no babies for now and please use condom if you have to have sex with your husband. Your top priority is to safeguard your own interest unless you are certain that he does not go for outside sex.
 
Hi KK,

With regards to your hb's "online activities", in my own opinion it's pretty normal. Guys normally have higher sexual desires as compared to womens, and becoz of this, they will have alot of fantasies.

From what I have seen, womens are less expressive, and less open with regards to sexual topics, even with their own hb!

Maybe you should revisit your sexual relationship, and see whether is there anything which you could improve in this area. I believe your hb still wants you, both of you just need to communicate more like best friends, rather than married couples.

As for the baby part, I do agree that this is not the time, you should still wait till both of you are more committed.
 
Hi KK,

I dont meant to say the fault is entirely with one side.
More often it takes two hands to clap.
Revisit how both of you were before the marriage.
Is it that after the marriage, the hubby is tied down with mundane housechore etc?
Or is it that you have taken him for granted?
Or have you stop making yourself attractive to your hubby?
As I said, marriage is about both of you, but sometime on does need to initiate things to get things going.

As for the baby, please dont have it now as it will make things more complicated especially if the hubby / you is not prepared mentally.
In the worst case scenario, you will find it harder to leave him with a baby around. (more complications due the baby)
 
Thanks all for your advice.

I'm still keeping mum about his online activities. But i cant help it but to access the website to check if he has made any deal with girls online. To my relieve, there's no action yet. I know its not healthy to doubt him and trust is very impt. But i am telling myself to accept the fact that its normal for guys to visit porn sites and maybe he registered himself in adult website for pure fun. (Guys, do u think a man will register for 1-1 sex thru a website for fun?)

I am certainly not going to have baby now. But I can tell his is keen. I must admit that I did put on weight after marriage and he always encourage me to loose weight thru exercise. BUT I am not fat. I am 1.65m and weigh 60kg, more on the fleshy type now. I am sure I can get attention if I were to shed 5 kg. Mayb that is my only way to test if I can 'revive' his interest in me before I think of what to do with my marriage in the next 1 yr. Actually I am sad that I have to resort to this to save my marriage. It really breaks my heart whenever I think of this.

I am in a dilemma if I shld admit that I found out abt him registering for sex thru a website? i hate to hide things behind ppl's back. I prefer honesty but not sure if this will back fire. I cant tolerate a 2nd betrayal and i rather end the marriage before I start family planning.
 
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