Is it changing

[san_francisco]

I am new here and would just like to scream my problem to get it off my chest.

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 6 years. we have been through alot of thick and thins but we have stood by each othr for very long.
He got say he want to marry me over the course of dating, and recently say he is ready to bring me home to see his parents.

We are quite young, about 21 only and we have both been faithful to each other even when my family migrated to san francisco and i went along for a year in the 2nd year the relationship but it did not cause any disruption cos i came back shortly while they stay there.

Then he enlisted and came out, couldn't find a job because he was busy studying part time before university start and then his buddies all started ording. He started hanging out with them alot and totally fail to call me or went out with me. I spoke to him saying i understand and also cos i am in university so i got exams too so at least once in a while just remember to call me out for dinner or text me regularly. I never demand from him anything or go out with me excessively. I spoke to him two times about this and he just got angry and keep saying i am pressurizing him to go out wiht me and cut him from his friends and games but i never say that. i only said yes i do feel left out but i understand with the situation, i busy wtih school, he got his friends to keep him company, its good just remember to text me regularly so we at least kepe in contact.

then he is going to darwin for some diving thing this coming weekend but he spends his time with his friends and only agreeing to see me the day before for a dinner when i haven't go out with him for a long time. I silently just say ok beacuse i didn't want to fight, i didn't want to be blamed for being over possessive or too sticky.

It hurts alot but i don't know what else i can do anymore. everyday we maintain a online 10 minutes relaitonship. when he starts to game, he totally forgets about me. he finds every spare time to be with his friends which i don't mind cos i am busy too but i only want him to remember to call me or text me or spare just one 2 hr night to have dinner. He go out with me, then say he is tired want to go home. then sleep at 3am cos with buddies and games.

Am i being over possessive here? i want to tell him i miss him alot alot but then if i say, he will say i am playing the guilt card. why he change until like that?

 

[andee]

hello.
21 years is kinda young but to achieve 6 years is quite an achievement. (i personally achieved 4.5 years same age! haha)

but i think i will leave you with one phrase: "if a person doesn't love you the way you want him to do, it doesn't mean he love you any less."

this does help me alot to understand things better. i hope it helps you too! haha

good luck to you my friend!

 

[infojunkie]

things change all the time and u guys r only 21!
go slow, give him space, and give urself space...

 

[powder]

Kheng,

i know it's tough for u, just wanna let u know that this isn't something uncommon. it's not so much of change, but rather, a shift in priorities...

it's not a myth, there's really a time where boys turn to men... in his case, i guess he isn't turning into the mature understanding type which u'd love to spend the rest of your life with...

for u, do understand that u're likely to be more mature and more likely to look further into the future. i guess not having your family with u now, u're also likely to have your hopes weight abit more heavily with this man.

for him, u're a gfren, and there's many other aspects of his life he'd wanna explore and indulge in... it's likely that he's had u long enough to not really need u as much as u'd like. Males are not the usual multi-taskers, but rather focal hunters... accomplishing task by task or goal by goal. u're a completed goal... u'll likely come back into the picture when he's wanting to fufil the goal of marriage, til then u're a supporting role, and for now he doesn't really need your support.

to be honest, i think u should start seeing other guys... u're not gonna get your bfren back any sooner... if a guy's priority isn't with u, even if u breakup with him, he's just gonna be kan cheong for awhile... after that he'll just let u go...

but honestly, it's nobody's fault. it's a progression in life... guys n gals are programmed differently and priorities highly different. guys are abit more of an explorerer seeking new things, new priorities and new experience - Alone. whilst the ladies might prefer to have a guys beside them, move to the next stage...

sad to say, there's little u can do. in fact the more u do, the more u're pushing him away. he doesn't need nor want u now... he prob doesn't realise that he's hurting u by 'being the man'... (he thinks he's acting like a man).

all i can say is, dun plant all your eggs in this basket... start going out with others abit... dun tie yourself to him and keep your options open...

take care

 

[san_francisco]

thnaks. I cannot speak to my family because they do not understand and are away, my friends are too busy exam period.

But i feel like he hasn't entirely "left me" if you know what i mean. he planned our future, he apologized for having to go Darwin and things like that. The mixed signals is just very confusing and i don't kknwo what i should be now.

iguess powder is right about him not needing me as much anymore. But if a perosn can love you for years and all of a sudden change so quickly, i can't understand at all. I don't understand how can someone chnge so suddenly.

I think he is tired of me and i feel really bad about it. I don't know if i should push and give it another shot or just let it disintegrate on its own

Leaving would be hard. But if i have to do, i think i will have to.

 

[powder]

kheng,

look at things objectively... u guys are 21, have nothing to your name, have not built anything nor the finances to build anything... have no ability to make plans for future nor home nor parents... u;ve spent the last 6years with no need to be committed to any other responsiblities other than the love for each other and your studies...

pls note i'm not saying that he has all these in mind Now, i'm saying that these are part of our progression and will be yours too... he will also have to come to these, as it is now... without these weighing on his mind yet, he is having trouble managing u, frens, games and basically whatever it is he is prioritising... so Do think further before u make any life-decisions FOR him. in other words, i'm telling u to just go ahead making decisions for Yourself... he is still your bfren and can still be, but dun make sacrifices on his account, nor be overly submissive to his needs... u might have to be abit more selfi-centred at this pont becos is will determine Your future.

One more thing i'd like to add is that... Dun underestimate your family's ability to understand. they probably do, just that like me, they've walked down these paths and had to make harsh decisions before... so they are more likely to offer u a concised solution like a 10-yr-series... perhaps as parents they may not explain it to u in your lingo, but undestanding - they definitely have the capacity to...

i'm nearing my mid-30s, and i can tell u that nothing beats the dating/courtship/frfenship during the carefree days of the younger years... there was really so little pple to consider for except those we're with everyday. family is like - always there and still have their own lives... so we just need to focus on our preferred priorities... sadly, this choice leaves us as we grow older...

i'm sharing with u for You, not so much for him & u...

 

[miloice]

People change all of the time, some phases in life that could trig major changes include the move from sch to NS, uni, workforce, management, biz breakthr or failure, parenthood, addition and exposure to vices etc. Also, when we go through life changing experiences like losing a loved one.

I remembered how each phase I had experienced and learnt from them. All the memories and friendship. In NS, the change to military life is forced onto each one of us. We do and think different. We are made to be reactive and aggressive. We transformed into a alert and operational thinking solider. It affected me completely. At the same time, imparted pride and professionalism. The truly tough times in training is a truly wonderful experience. Its hard to really describe the common and unique experience each infantry officer went thr in OCS for 42 weeks. In the unit, it was a totally different experience altogether again. At uni, I looked forward to be married to a beautiful woman with kids, owned a condo and drive a nice car. My goal was to become a program manager. Looking at things today, I'm making my move away from program management more into the biz and field. Married but no kids, staying in condo without owning one. My priorities and goals clearly different today!

Life is a journey of learning and discovering. If your paths grow apart, so be it. As long as you guys are honest with each other in the search of happiness. It is 6 long yrs of memory. That's good and nice to cherish. But, u need to look beyond. Its probably another 40 - 50 yrs together. Never hold on to a relationship simply because of memories.

 

[andee]

Hi Kheng, i share your thoughts because i am of about the same age as you and am also in a long term relationship.
I guess what got my boyfriend and i through the tougher times is communication. You need to open to each other and start talking, of course minus the fights and yelling-at-top-voice. Amicably.
I have seen friends around me who perhaps were in somewhat similar situations, but life is as it is. nothing is constant except change and time. You just have to grill yourself and ask yourself what do you want.
My heart goes out to you during this time and i know that we are still young, mistakes are inevitable, changes are what is battling us, but if you are firm in what you want and believe, you can overcome it.

Cheers

 

[infojunkie]

no need to take drastic measures, just take a breather... no harm to cool things off a little rite? time will tell if u guys r MFEO. in the meantime, go out and hv fun... ur life dun revolve ard him, take control...

 

[saggitarian]

wait till he has spending power .. u will face even greater problems ..