Irresponsible Husband -- Need advice

[eric_cartman]

Hi all,

My sister in-law (my wife's sister) married a wrong man. A very wrong man.
They got married last year, so it's been about 1.5 years. He's a PR, and my sister now lives in Singapore using social visit pass (long term). Ever since she came here last year, her husband is always so busy working (he claims). My sister had to take care of everything herself, from extending social visit pass, applying long term social visit pass, finding house for rent, EVERYTHING.
He always comes home late, and he's never at home on weekends. He says he's busiest on weekends since he works as an agent (for a condo developer company). He also travels abroad frequently and often it can more than 1 week.

Needless to say, they quarrel a lot, but of course the husband is more fierce. He has a really bad temper. I can sense my sister is afraid of her.

For the past 1.5 years, me and my wife sense there's something wrong with their marriage, but we didn't ask her since she always put up a brave front in front of us.
Last Monday, her husband left her, he just packed up one day and left. Didn't tell her where he went, and didn't leave her any money. It's the end of the month, my sister doesn't work, so she has no money left. The rent is due too. My sister assumed he went abroad for work.
What makes matter worse is that her social visit pass is going to expire soon (tomorrow in fact!). So last monday my wife accompanied her to ICA as sponsor to extend her social visit pass, but the officer doesn't allow extension as he checked and turns out her husband is in the country!
That day my wife asked her about what's going on with their marriage, and she told us everything after that. I was so furious, but at the same time I didn't know what to do.
I told her to just go back to our parents in our home country. And I planned to go to police the next morning, though I don't know what they can help me with

But turns out, that night he went back home, claimed that he went to Kalimantan and only got back that morning. He never called her and he never answered the phone either. I think it's all BS.
He acted like there's nothing wrong. My sister told him about the extension and says she needs her IC. But he said it's not with him and he will give it to her tomorrow morning. When my sister asked him where the IC is, he told her off telling her not to ask too many questions. Imagine that! And tell me, what kind of matters requires you to surrender your IC for few days. He must think we're idiots! He clearly is just making things difficult for her.

I told her to end her suffering and just went back to our parents home. I'd say divorce is inevitable. But my sister still says she wants to give their marriage a chance.
She's been consulting with their priest (they are protestant christians), but you know priests, they would say divorce is not an option. He basically just tells her to pray and expect miracle to happen O_O

We are quite sure he has another girl friend(s) out there. And he also claims to his friends that he is not married or divorced.
He's a damn coward too. He doesn't dare to answer or reply to my calls!

Really, I thought this kind of things only happen in movies. It's shocking it's happening to my own family.

So please guys, tell me what course of action that we can do?? Especially what can I do as her brother in-law? I want to make him pay for his actions!

I'm really worried with my sister, I'm afraid she may have nerve-breakdown soon. She's been holding this for too long. I feel quilty I didn't find it out sooner.

Thanks for reading my plight.

 

[letspeelprawn]

What your sister in-law actually told you about her marriage ?

Btw, what is your nationality?

 

[eric_cartman]

Hi prawn. I don't understand your question. Do you mean "Why"?

Sorry, I'd rather not divulge our nationality.

 

[miloice]

hi Eric,

can understand your worries but as family, what you can really do is be there for her. Be supportive. But u cannot make any decisions for her.

Continue to talk to her. Give her the channel to let it out... the outlet is important for her to rationalize things. What you can do is point out the issues and pros & cons.

The main thing now is to encourage her to fly back to her country and take time to sort out her thinking.

 

[saggitarian]

agree with milo..

it is her decision to stay on or to leave that guy..

you can only help to destress her....

i can only hint you that keeping another person IC is actually illegal.

 

[eric_cartman]

Hi all, thanks for the replies.

As much I want to make decision for her, I know it's hers to make. But it's really hard knowing your own family is made suffer by a bastard.

Like I said, she's just delaying the inevitable. That guy is beyond repair. Expecting so is just delusioning herself.
She's now afraid of him. She admits it herself to me. Now tell me, how can you live with someone you're afraid of.

The bastard also mentioned divorce on a few occasions. But he's a spineless coward. He can't make a decision himself. I think there are many reasons that stops him from doing that, but NONE of them is love.
I'm sure he's being put off by the thought of the things he have to do for divorce. We are talking about a guy whose marriage and even tax issues are taken care by his sister here!

I guess at the end of the day, I just want to know what kind of steps I can help her do when all falls down. Legally I mean.

I've tried to find info on the net, and know a little thing about divorce procedure. It's a good start.
I'm quite surprised that in lawful society like singapore, there's no law against husband abandoning wife like this. No wonder there's so many infidelities by men happening here.

I'm a man myself, but I for one think the Woman's Charter is not tough enough. Men like this should go to jail!

 

[skylar]

I m kinda curious how did ur wife behave to this? I mean that is her sister rite? but it seems like u r the one whom is much more affected by this whole drama..

guess right now is the only time to lend ur ears to ur SIL & see what she plans to do next & then u all support her then..

Since u said he nv answer ur calls etc, did u ever waited for him at his ofc for him to knock off so that u can catch him for a good talk?

as for law against husband abandoning wife here in Singapore, there are laws but if you are not Singaporeans or even PR, then of coz there are some limitations. I do not agree with what u said that there are many infidelities due to this kinda law not here.

For more concrete info on Singapore law, I strongly advise u to go consult a legal advisor or lawyer rather then guessing what is what here.

 

[eric_cartman]

Hi Skylar,

Of course my wife is in the same boat as me. She also told her sister to just leave that guy. We both don't understand how she can tolerate such a guy.

But you may get the idea of me getting more affected because I'm the one who's posting here. Does not mean she's not upset with the whole thing.

About going directly to him, that would be too intrusive. Given his temper, he will vent it back to my sister, so it's not an option for now. Even by calling him, my sister already told me to stop, afraid he would get angry with her.

About legal advisor, I'm thinking of finding one too. But not at this point of time, wait until my sister realizes the reality and ready to move on (split/divorce). So for now any advice I can get here is good advice.

Thanks!

 

[skylar]

I think for now, the best is for your SIL to move out of her hse & to stay with u all then if she is sooo afraid of her hb?

btw, did u find out any underlying issues btw them?

was her hb abusive?

 

[saggitarian]

i think that you have not seek any legal advice which makes you conclude such a statement the woman charter is not tough enough... do you know that there was once the woman charter was been brought out as an issue of imbalance between both sexes that the law protects.

if you indicate that your sister has not realise the reality or ready to move on and you are waiting. it depends on whats sort of abuse she is undertaking.

for one . she can currently seek a ppo ( personal protection order)

below is the url for your info ..

http://fcd.ecitizen.gov.sg/FamilyNCommunitySupport/StopFamilyViolence/HelpfortheVictim/WhereToFindHelp/

Eric .. fom your description is really quite blur and we dun actually know what to advice or help you at..

 

[eric_cartman]

Hi Skylar and qwerty, thanks for your replies.

I told her to stay with us, but she doesn't want that else the husband and the family will say that she's the one deserting the husband. I agree with her on that.

I'm sorry if I'm not clear enough, but please understand as my wife and I are just the 3rd party, what we know are bits and pieces from our sister's confession. I'm sure there's more to tell.

Her abuse is not physical one. My sister says if he ever lay a hand on her, she will leave him immediately. It's more of mental one. Not being taken care of. Like I said, not even important issue like immigration matters he helped her with. He even made things difficult for her.
Today her visit pass expires, and the husband just gave her his IC just now, at around 11 AM. As expected he won't accompany her.

BTW, they get married in Singapore. So even if she's not PR, the law here should protect her, right? If they ever get divorced, it must be done here too. But it will be tough since he won't even take care of her immigration matters.
Last year my sister asked him to apply her for PR. He said he asked for his company letter, but never came out. What a lie.

I don't understand the underlying issue about them either. We are guessing he has another girlfriend.
Actually, 3 months after their marriage, one weekend my sister-in-law stayed at our place. She said the husband is busy entertaining clients. We went to Sentosa and saw him with another girl! I wanted to confront him right there, but I didn't. I regretted it

qwerty, thanks for the link. I'm going to read the site thoroughly tonight.

Thanks guys for taking time to read and reply. I really appreciate it.