Innocent flirting?

stardust,

You are just over-reliant on words that were used to communicate. Even if he did say certain words or even promises.. it can always change. You don't have to over-analyze the words used. Look for behaviour and how he would act. Words can lie. Human are so good with words that we can have varying degrees of truths/lies embedded in each sentence.. but it is the behaviour that will "speak the truth" because it is the behaviour that is important.
 


powder,
okay i defnitely know that i may not be the first priority in his life. i mean, circumstances change, and he may have to refocus himself from time to time. it has happened before and at those times i was content to retreat into the background and just be supportive when he needs me. after all, i myself have things going on in my life as well, my world doesnt revolve around him either.

milo,
yup, its definitely me. but its because i'm good at it and tats why i chose to major in it. =) it is an occupational hazard. part of my job involves counselling and it has become a habit, convenient or not, i don't know, to read deeper into words that ppl choose to say and trying to uncover underlying reasons why they choose to use certain words over others. i know, sometimes its coz they don't know what other words to use. i've gotta learn to be more conscious abt that.

i would say that we are definitely compatible, otherwise we wouldnt have been so happy together so such a long time when lots of teenage romances fizzles out.

my initial thoughts were a little dramatized..i'm calmed down since, and i know deep down that he'll always be someone i trust. i have explained it to him how i would feel about the situation if he had told me the truth when i asked him the first time, and why i reacted the way i did when eventually he tld me the truth after lying.i hope i was clear enough when i told him its not the sms i was bothered about so much as the lying about it. to tell the truth, up to now i still have a strong urge to look at his messages and calls, but eventually i do not. i'm in a stage where at this point i definitely trust him not to cheat, but i know he may omit or lie about where he goes in the nights. not because he wants to flirt more or whatever, but simply because he doesn't want me to be affected if he tells me he has to go to clubs overflowing with girls throwing themselves at him or back to the regular pub he goes. in the past i didn't think it was possible that he would frequent such places, or that he would respond to other girls, but now i know it is, and that i have no control about it, i have to trust that he himself has the control. but like i said, i even understand why he would lie when he has to go. i myself may do just the same.

and anyway, i should have considered this point but i didnt because i was too distraught then. he was always more interested in money than women. i'm more likely to catch him in a gambling lie than a cheating one. the best defence is no defense actually. he said he'd lost his kick from secretly gambling online ever since i made it known i was okay about it.he always said that if i suspect him of cheating, he might just go ahead and do it anyway since he's already suspected of it.

sm,
i totally agree with your first sentence. but i think i can read behaviour rather well too, otherwise i wouldnt have discovered the lie. he always says i know him too well, and he can never hide anything from me. i dont know if this incident proves him right or wrong. but anyway, it doesn't matter. no matter how much effort is put in, if a person wants to hide something, he can easily do so, just be smart about it. i wouldnt have found out about this at all if it hadnt been for the fact that he was sleeping, and a message came in, and i had a very accurate hunch that something wasnt right with it.i mentioned before, that i have NEVER before this, read a message on his phone. the hunch was so strong that i chose to betray my values to read it.

and if a person wants to leave,there is really nothing that can be done too. all i can do is to be the best person that i can, and if that's not enough, i don't want to keep a person who doesn't appreciate me for what i am. and that's why i've chosen not to bother thinking if his next words are going to be lies.
 
okay, i just found something else.

i checked his sent emails. and found a sent message to this address - topic was 36c shanghai. and his message was ' hi bro can i have her contact number.'

it was sent last year,

so tell me, what should i think now.

i called him to ask him about it. he said he doesnt remember a message that was sent so long ago, then he got angry and hung up the phone.

i really don't know what's wrong with me. i promised myself not to be overly suspicious again, but yet i don't know what prompted me to check his email. and found something i wished i hadnt seen.
 
he smsed me and asked me to think if he had anything to hide would i be able to access his emails so easily. he says that that email is used by his other colleagues who has wives that overly control them and that he was just joining in the fun.he says his number is given to anybody (he said that in response to the email i found about his joining this FL group where he provided his number). so i asked him what's so fun abt cheating on their wives? he said dont ask him, and that anyway he's coming home late tonight.

okay, when i realised that, i didnt rant and rave, i didnt cry although i really wanted to. i asked him very calmly about the emails. so what does he expect me think and do when i found out these stuff? what is a good and perfect wife supposed to DO?? especially after promising myself to trust him again after the horrid surprise that was sprung up on me just days ago?

i feel my world starting to crumble around me and i think its not good for my baby coz i'm starting to feel painful contractions. and he won't be home tonight with me.
 
it's hard to not let the mind wander with such messages, since u've already gone in deeper, i guess the only thing to do now is to get an explanation of history from him. else no other answers would do to set things right...
 
hi stardust,

just read the whole thread till your last post at 3.04pm......

given the emotional state that you're currently in, i can understand your perspective on the insecurity and trust issues.
i do think that for quality communication, it is important to let go of the past issues (eg. that mysterious phone number and such), and try to stay focus on the present issue....

speaking of which, i too wish that you would not have check on him further and confront him - no matter how calm you sound - because it basically speaks of misTrust all over again.

i think it's very very important that you clear your mind before you speak to him re. this particular email... i highly encourage a few days because no matter what he says, it's gonna sound like he's lying to you again...
provided that you're now mentally ready to communicate, and of course vice versa for him.
 
he's insistent that he hasn't done anything wrong or been unfaithful to me.n now he's angry with me for being so paranoid n suspicious of him. He'll only stick to his stand if i ask further,n he'll end with 'if you don't trust me there,s nothing i can do' or 'up to you to think what you want'. We'll be back to square one. Despite all these things for me to distrust him, i still believe he hasn't done to physically betray me. But mentally n emotionally he has. Or is physical betray the only kind that counts for him? What are the other possible reasons for asking for a prostitute's contact number? N even if i choose to believe that the email was sent by his colleague, not him, what are the possible reasons for joining a group n providing your personal contact which informs n updates you about free lancers prostitutes? Is it really for fun? How far will he take that fun? I can't stand to think about it! I really can't!! This can't be sent by his colleagues because its his own number.
 
after a painful bout of contractions, i just visited my gynae and thankfully, my baby's fine. i feel so guilty putting him through such an emotional roller coaster ride, but his mummy isn't having a very good time right now.

i now understand why ppl speed when they feel awful, because the speed does make it feel better. on the way back i had a momentary lapse of control and gone up to 150km/hr. not too fast to others, but the fastest i go is just a mere 100kmhr. luckily (or too bad?) my car is just a functional one but the acceleration did make me feel just a tad better. but after a while, i realised that i didnt want to die after all, and gradually slowed down. i feel like i'm losing control of myself, my mind. and i'm scared, i really am.

he hasnt contacted me since the last sms saying that he'll be home late tonight.i feel so alone. i find myself stepping into depression and he's not around to pull me out. i'm losing my train of thoughts, and the hardest thing will be i have to act normal in front of my family when i see them later.

am i causing my own troubles? was i supposed to not ask him about it and thereby forming my own conclusions yet keeping them silent while i blindly trust him forever? what should i have done??!! what have i done wrong? have i done anything right in the first place?? have i been such a horrible wife to him?

this is probably just a hysterical and desperate post, pls forgive whatever that doesnt make sense. i'm telling myself that i'll probably post in a more positive tone in time to come, i just need to validate my feelings now. i have no one else to talk to, and talking to myself, convincing myself with no positive input from the one who caused my hurt is draining me like hell.
 
stardust, hang in there. I know how it feels when you have no one to talk to.

But at least here in the forum, if you need a listening ear.. we are always here.
 
u did Nothing Wrong in your role as wife, so dun question yourself. dun doubt that.

some things are not as bad as we allow our minds to perceive it... or should i say our minds have this tendency to play things worse and worse until we are horrified. DUN let your mind get into this state PLS... u will slip into depression and lose control of yourself.

Learn/Try to fight depression... it will rob u when u're not careful.

u Must Overcome... try to seek a close fren for support and share with her.
 
thanks, sm.
That,s why i knew the forum would be a good place to put my thoughts in words n make sure they don't go into overrun :-)

powder,
its precisely because i have a mild case of depression during my first pregnancy that i recognise the signs.when i needed support n comfort from the most important person in my life, not only did i not receive it, he did things that fed my negativity. Just when i was prepared to close two eyes n forget about the first incident,i stumble upon this. My own busybody fault, i know. Then after an emotional roller coaster,this 2nd incident happens. Ok, i dealt with it the way i thought i should. Maybe it wasn't the best way, but it was the best i could do. I prepped myself to close two eyes,but when he bought dinner back for us,i was given the cold shoulder. He treated me as if i was invisible. I'm only a woman,a highly emotional one i would say,given my pregnancy now, how much must i give in, how far can i go before i totally break down?

He left after finishing dinner with nary a word to me. I couldn't stand being home alone so i'm in fact at east coast now. I must say the long drive n now the sea breeze n sound of the waves have an oddly calming effect.
 
i dun think u did anything wrong thus far except perhaps u could have avoided the prying given your wandering mind and depression-prone state. my initial posts were all meant to appeal to your sense of logic and hope that can prevent further negative thoughts being entertained without fundamentals that lend to the need for them.

the lack of communication amidst the wandering mind is a fatal concoction... u may be right in your guesses, but remember u could be royally wrong and have put yourself into an unnecessary bout.

alot of attention is focused on expectant mothers, so much so that not many realise that expectant fathers DO go thru a period of self-doubt... given the role of fathers, there are fears as well. it's in no way more scary than it might be for the ladies... but it is valid afterall.

your hubby could have issues dealing with this. and u know guys... the typical ways of dealing with pressure - drinking, staying outside with frens, living like a bachelor to get away from home, finding solace in the opposite sex... i'm Not justifying it, nor am i saying it's right, but we have to recognise what we might potentially be dealing with IF we're gonna fight the obstacles..

YES, u're alone. and u may feel like u're overcoming this obstacle Alone, but i guess each spouse with their own demons to fight - may represent the very obstacles that a couple go thru... whether or not u can find a way to communicate and reassure each other that things will be alright, is something very crucial...

my wife and me always believe that things will pass, somehow obstacles will be overcomed if we just hold on... i have my own battles, she has her own... sometimes we fight those demons apart. end of the day, we always remind ourselves to return to each other...

it's tough to face a long period of absence, yet it might be necessary to reassess and align our fears and build our courage.

u are here to stay and u have displayed maturity in self and in looking at the marriage... pregnant as u might be, u might be the one to guide the marriage out of darkness. Are u prepared to go further despite your fatigue and depression?

that's why i think women of the past are a strong lot... they may not be educated on academic subjects, but they are very educated in the lessons of life and living...

drive safely, think postitively... If ever u thought marriage has its Obstacles, then u're having one now. dun make those words empty, fight a good fight and live a good life... u may not win the battles, but u can certainly win self-respect.
 
thanks powder, i'm safely home now.

i didnt want to stay at home alone, and i needed to be somewhere 'far' enough away to really clear my head.

i smsed him while i was there and asked him why he didnt talk to me earlier on. his reply was an adorable 'you didnt talk to me what.' i asked if he was angry and he replied 'dare not'. i guess the child in him is sulking after being denied the toy he wants - my absolute trust. i apologized for prying into his emails, and i appealed to him to try and put himself in my shoes.and i told him i already knew that he wouldn't do anything wrong, but pls try to understand why i behaved and reacted the way i did.and said which wife would like seeing such emails, and discovering them barely a week apart from the sms incident? not that i use my pregnancy as an excuse, but i reminded him that this hasnt been an easy pregnancy for me, and i really needed him. he's still not home yet, but i truly hope he can find it in himself to understand my thoughts and feelings, and to forgive me for my runaway thoughts and prying mind.

deep down i believe that he wouldn't do anything to betray or hurt me, even with all these signs that any logical mind would add up to, i've chosen to blindly believe once again. i hope that my trust is true enough. i'm not going to think what's in his phone, i'm not going to check anything anymore. i'll try not to think of these any longer. and if one day my trust proves misplaced, i'll just consider myself a woman silly enough to love the wrong man, so much more than i love myself.
 
try telling him that there will be periods where u're 10 times worse than u've ever been... and during such times, ask him to do his best to care more and understand more... that it's not something u want to happen, but u have no control over...
 
he knows very well what i went through, he was with me throughout the difficult times in my first pregnancy. at that time, i would cry uncontrollably in the wee hrs of the night. i was very frightened because it was so out of control. he also spent nights out then, but sometimes when the crying got so bad, i called him and he would come back to me.

i onl experience such highs and lows when i'm pregnant. when i'm not, i'm perfectly in control of myself and i consider myself the more rational of us two, and i would say the most rational among my friends. i never threw tantrums, and it never bothered me how often, how late he stayed out at nights and where he went.

perhaps he's lost his patience with me this time. with the crisis, his salary took a beating. and with the debts he has to repay, he's going through a tough time too. but it happens that this is the time where i need care and concern the most. i guess the real obstacles are not whether we can stand by each other when one of us is down. the real test of marriage comes when both are down, how do we lean on our love for each other to help each other through bad times which overlap. i don't want to question if he loves me enough to stick with me and help me along. i guess the only thing i can do is to rely on my love first. i'll bow low, i'll give in, i'll stay silent if he doesnt want to hear me, but i'll be there for him whenever he needs me. ppl say that women in love are strong, i'll be as strong as i can. but i think women in love are weak, we're willing forget ourselves for the one we love.

i couldnt sleep so i popped a sleeping pill, but my insomnia is far stronger than that. i got up at 4 am to find him sleeping on the sofa. i woke him and told him to come in to bed, he said he slept on the sofa because he stank of booze and smoke, and was too tired to take a shower. he does that occassionally, so by right i shouldnt read anything into it. but with the way we left things earlier in the night, i couldn't help but feel sad. i hope when the sun rises, the sun in our lives would rise again.
 
i find nothing wrong with your thoughts... and u're so right - " i guess the real obstacles are not whether we can stand by each other when one of us is down. the real test of marriage comes when both are down, how do we lean on our love for each other to help each other through bad times which overlap."

i think that understanding will go a long way... now it's whether he, in his own mental realm, is able to process that thought and get the essence in tandem, and realise it.
 
stardust,

the diff between the 1st pregnancy and this one is the issues u r reacting to. In the 1st one, he would be more excited naturally and he probably was more motivated to pamper you. But this time, he felt 'under attack'. I know its never your intention but he is already in this defensive mode in reaction to the questionings etc. Frankly, u could be right but we don't know. There are so many possibilities and I'm not encouraging you to come to any conclusion in the current emotional state you are in.

If you think about it, every single person is capable of being really nice or nasty. There are times that I'm totally unable to be loving to my spouse too. Those times, I'm totally cold. She thinks its mean but for me, its time-out to cool down. Better cold than reacting badly and getting into fights.

Everyone has their ups and downs. Don't take them personally. Let the emotions settle and then talk.
 
another thing, take care of your health. Popping pills during pregnancy can be dangerous!

I think most of us will experience insomnia sometime in our lives, with physical conditions, problems, stress etc. And the thing about it is, it makes the body feels worser. Its a vicious cycle and moods would be affected when we are tired and stressed. Focus on that 1st instead of letting your imagination run wilder. You need to recharge and regain that motivation and drive to remain positive. Take care.
 
"i guess the real obstacles are not whether we can stand by each other when one of us is down. the real test of marriage comes when both are down, how do we lean on our love for each other to help each other through bad times which overlap."

Stardust, I really can't agree more with the above. Everything is a breeze during good times. The real challenge comes when one of us is down. But the ultimate challenge is how we can continue our walk together even when both feel down. May you two find the strength and courage to do so.
 
"I know its never your intention but he is already in this defensive mode in reaction to the questionings etc....."

Just adding on to what Milo has said, this is the reason why I don't confront over the phone or the SMS because the result is less than desired. And if I do confront, I would just want to know and accept the truth regardless of what it is. There is no point in a confrontation when you only want to hear what you want to hear.
 
stardust,

He's your husband. You chose to marry him for whoever he is. I'm not sure if you had known his character before you married him but anyway, it's too late for regrets now.

You said you don't mind with his flirting of gals in restaurants, or that he seems popular with women. Why do you mind then that things have progressed this stage? It's just something waiting to happen.

Knowing well your husband's character and lifestyle (pub-going etc), do you expect him to be 110% faithful? Unlikely. By 110% faithful, I mean, no teasing with gals (have you questioned yourself why he does this?), no lustful thots about them, etc. It's impossible. It's also partly due to the innate nature of such men to still search, either overtly or secretly, the company of other women after marriage.

All I can say is, you should accept his kind of life and more flirting and ultimately, maybe on the bed with another woman. I'm not saying it's surely going to happen but the possibility isn't remote. After all, you chose to marry him and have accepted his kind of life. This is the kind of outcome you should accept.

On the other hand, if you want a man who is there always for you, not seeing other women, to have his attention most of the time on you, then you have married the wrong man. 2 remedies: Ask him to change aka quite his job and reform his character (near impossible) or the D-word -- DIVORCE, which i think is something that has probably not crossed your mind.

There are husbands who are really caring to their wives. The kind that gets home after work, spend quality time with her (and kids), going out together often, no pubs, no drinks/smoke,etc. I have a few colleagues who are just like that. Are you looking for such a husband?? Think yours is far from like that. So I guess acceptance and compromise are the best solutions for you. You should have a good talk with him about your needs and future plans if you want to feel happy again. Or if you desire your marriage to last well.
 
powder,
i hope that this nightmarish episode will pass soon. i've been so distracted that i forgot to call in sick to work today, and i forgot all about a test i had to set. i feel awful for allowing my personal life to spill over into my professional life. its a cooling off period now, and he's always needed a longer time than i to cool off. there's nothing else i can do but to wait.its hard to hold myself up when all i want to do is collapse, both mentally and physically.

milo,
very true. how a person wants to act and react is entirely up to them. i actually had insomnia in my first pregnancy too. and in my first trimester for this one as well. so insomnia is a kind of pregnancy symptom for me. i've been on too many mcs to count and thus i feel worse having lapsed in my professional duties right now. don't worry, the pills were prescribed by my gynae himself a couple of months back. so far i only took 2 half pills. it made me sleep but the effects were horrible. the lethargy that lasted for hrs after i woke up was worse than not being able to sleep, and being worried at the risks of side effects on my baby, i chose to take a long term absence from work than rely on those. but it has returned, and seemingly worse because not wanting to stay awake in the dark by myself last night, i took nother half, i fell asleep at 1 am but yet woke at 4 and had been unable to sleep until 9 this morning. i just woke up actually.

doll,
thanks for the encouragement. makes very good sense. i just wasn't thinking straight.. this is the first time i've needed to 'confront' him over the phone, and in my hysterical mind, i wasn't ready to accept whatever he said there and then.that was my mistake. another mistake was since i read alot into language, smses are defnitely the worst way for him to communicate with me because the way he smses is short and curt, to the point, without punctuation even, and can be badly misinterpreted. but luckily i had this in mind, otherwise i would have made myself feel worse and not better after reading his smses.

david chan,
we dated since 15 and married 10 years later. i can confidently say that i know him even better than myself. here is the typical 'my husband changed after we married' story. but because i trusted (and may i add, still trust) him, when his lifestyle gradually changed, i accepted it as a part of the job he is good in. he's just a very playful person at times, and i believe there is no harm in innocent flirting with girls in restaurants...etc i find it amusing sometimes. but it was all the pure and innocent kind. i just didnt like the intimacy that flirting thru calls and smses suggests. it becomes personal.

and i also do not need a husband that is always around. i'm pretty independent and sometimes do enjoy solitude. i have my own circle of friends, and i enjoy my own life apart from him. of course i would love for him to spend more time with us, my son and myself, but i wouldnt blow off an engagement i have with my friends even if he manages to get home early. i'm not looking for a husband you described. the bottom line is, i want the husband i already have, and i give him the freedom to do whatever he wants to do (within legally and morally acceptable limits), and i trust and believe that he knows his limits. its just that given my situation now and my confidence is SERIOUSLY shaken, and i'm tired in every way for being the one who needs to work to mend this (that fella obviously doesn;t know how to).
 
"its just that given my situation now and my confidence is SERIOUSLY shaken, and i'm tired in every way for being the one who needs to work to mend this (that fella obviously doesn;t know how to)."

Hi Stardust

You come across as a rational lady but being rational doesn't mean you are devoid of emotions. So, I completely understand why you had to confront and your emotional struggles now.

What's happened has happened, so don't beat yourself up too hard. Since the confrontation has gone in a wrong direction for now, it's best that both of you take some time to cool it before coming back to address what has to be addressed.
 
doll,
frankly speaking, i don't know if i want to reopen the issue anymore. i don't think i can take another period of being treated with the cold shoulder. despite of me telling myself each day will be better, i find myself spiralling into a dark abyss. i think i'm still concealing it rather well from the ppl around me, i'm still able to joke and laugh, and talk as usual. but when i'm alone, i find myself bursting into tears for no reason. the moment i step into my car, my tears begin to drop, and i don't know why! i feel so confused and frankly, i'm very frightened. i can't control my emotions, i'm scared, i really am. i need him so much now but how can i tell him? i don't want him to come home to an emotionally unstable wife, i'm afraid he'll choose to stay out to avoid me. he'll only think i'm crazy. he;s not very patient with tears and i don't want to drive him away further.

my mum once commented to my hubby that i always keep my feelings to myself. how well she knows me. my husband doesn't like to be controlled, and i think he views being dependent on him as a sort of control. which is why we've always gotten along so well,i'm rather independent, and seldom need him to be around as compared to other couples we know. but i must say that there are times when i wish i could just forget everything and just lean on him, you know?
 
we had a talk earlier on.from his tone i can tell that he really hasnt done anything wrong to me. which proves that i didnt trust wrong. however, he admitted to me that many times, he did have the urge when the beautiful ladies from karaoke pubs and nightclubs offered themselves to him. but he still didnt do anything wrong.

is it a normal male reaction? i suppose i should be happy that he had the control, but yet i dont feel good that he was attracted to and turned on by them.would his control serve him forever? would there be a slip? what if he got so drunk that he didnt know what he was doing?

there's so many questions in my head, and i'm so exhausted. i'm really n the verge of a breakdown. i should be happy, shouldnt i? then why am i still feeling like the worst of all the crap in the universe?
 
stardust,

temptations are everywhere around us. It need not happen only in pubs. Actually, the office is way more 'dangerous' in this sense because we let down our guard when with friends than in places of vices. Most relationships start the same way as affairs -> From casual friendships. Would you chain him up so that he cannot be tempted? If a man wants to cheat, there is nothing a woman can really do to stop it. So, it this fact really that depressing?

Frankly, u should really stop on the negative thoughts, its poisoning you. Would you get so worried and depressed simply because you could die from accidents? What if any of the motorist is reckless? So many questions.... Would u get a breakdown?

Focus on positive thoughts. The thing about trust is, its never a guarantee. But its absolutely necessary to sustain the relationship. If the negative thoughts are getting too much into you, better seek profession help from a shrink before u fall into a depression.
 
the 'what ifs'....

think we've gotta realise that attraction and urges dun end at marriage, but are controlled with commitment and love.

fight the negative thoughts...
 
despite the talks which looked like it ended fine, u're actually half-talking yourself out of trusting him.
perhaps, do consider to confide in a buddy face-face... that gives us a verbal outlet which i think it's quite vital, esp. lost times like such...
 
Stardust, I may be wrong but I think a very important ingredient is quite absent in your marriage, and that is free flow of communication. When you two can't even trust yourselves and each other to share openly, where is the trust?

Trust isn't talking yourself into believing something. Trust isn't talking yourself out of suspecting something.

Hey, are we similar in the sense that we give a lot of space and time away from us to our spouse/partner? My style did not suit my ex-husband.

I couldn't change myself to suit him. I didn't want to nor know how to start looking into his handphone, email, snail mail, MSN or bank account to find out what he was up to. I expected honesty and courage. I didn't know and don't know how to monitor my spouse or partner. I waited six years for him to pull up his socks but it didn't materialise the way I had hoped. It's either he behaves or he doesn't behave. It's his choice, his prerogative.
 
hello all,
we've finally overcome this horrid time.

right after my past post two days back, i was in such an emotional turmoil that i finally broke down. i think i've never cried so tortourously before, and i think i gave my husbany quite a scare. i was just so overcome with all the events of the past week, and i just simply broke down. he held me through it and said the all the words i needed so much to hear, but his pride was holding him back from saying it before. i think he didnt realise how badly i was affected by it. i told him later on that he shouldn't have left things alone and assumed that i would get over it myself. but he said he was still angry that i didnt trust him, and didnt want to talk about it at all.

something that partly contributed to my breakdown was discovering posts by his account in the sammyboy forum, describing, or rather, reviewing certain prostitutes. the sms incident was a small wave, the emails were a large wave, but this one was a tsunami - i couldnt stop imagining him and him doing whatever that was posted with another woman. although this one i was rather certain that it wasn't him, but one of his colleagues (because the fella apologized at the end of the post for posting a lousy review, and i know he's not one who would do that. he is an either-take-it-or-leave-it person), the images that involuntarily floated through my mind were killer waves. that was topped of by what he said about having the urge to take up offers by the nightclub girls. it was just a recipe for disaster.

but anyway, the outburst was a cleansing one for me,its like a dam has been broken and i can finally flow freely again.

he said he didnt want to explain himself to me because he really didnt do anything wrong. he said its like if he were selling a really good product, he wouldnt need to explain it too much to customers because the product sells itself. but if he had to sell an inferior one, of course he has to take the time and effort to explain and persuade customers to take it up. he also said that he allowed his colleagues to use his name and contact number because they were too afraid of their wives finding out.

he took the day off yesterday to spend the whole day with me.and i was really touched and appreciated it very much. i realised that in the end it wasnt the trust issue, i just needed a closure, and when he avoided talking about it, the chapter just wasnt closed and i couldnt move on.

when we speak if it, i can tell that he's still a tad indignant that i would actually suspect him of such a thing, which i find rather endearing actually.
 
Hi stardust
Bb comes 1st. Cheers and be happy whenever think of bb
happy.gif


*shoo shoo away the moody and unhappy tots*

Do come in to www.singaporemotherhood.com
 
going by the current emotions and all that, it is still the misTrust issue from the onset which has accumulatively riled him up into an eventual phrase of non-communication, isn't it?

so i suggest to conclude the issue using 'assured with Trust' instead of 'endearing with misTrust'. Just my tots....
 
stardust,

I am not going to add oil to the fire and adding to your mistrust.

But really, letting a friend use our phone number is quite unthinkable unless they all have a "share" in the activity. Most people I know who engage in such activities will have another phone with a pre-paid card and they probably keep the phone in the office or out of sight of their wife/gf.
 
But there are those who are daring to use their normal phone when they think that their wife is not suspicious or the is the trusting kind.
 
Hi stardust,

Hope my Post will give you some encouragement.

Since you are good at reading behaviour, why don't you look at your hubby's eyes instead of focusing on his words.

When my hubby gets angry with me, I don't focus too much on the words because when I look into his eyes, it "tells" me he loves me above all things.

Just to share something with you. My hubby is just like your hubby, is also popular with girls.
He is a gentleman and is kind to his admirers.

When we were dating, there will be some girls who would call him and ask him out for dinner or holiday trips.

The girls were usually quite persistant and will tag along with us. I consented because I felt it's not wrong to love or admire someone.

I even befriended the girls and shared the same hotel room with them.
Although my hubby was kind and ever a gentleman to them, the girls usually gave up my hubby after sometime because my hubby's heart is always with me.

Some of the girls even confided with me that although my hubby was kind to them, he rarely talked to them and there's no connection.

There will always be girls who will love and admire your hubby but he chose to marry you and love you for a lifetime instead of others.

So you should be more confident in him that he can handle these situations.
 
hi inn,
thank, i'll drop by for a look whenever i can. =)

hi vios,
yes, ultimately it was the very lie that he told me that he didnt know who sent that sms that sparked everything. if he had told me who it was straight, none of the other things might have happened. and even i acted on my instincts and looked at his email and forum account, i might not have had such a great reaction if not for the fact that he lied once, and thus the possibility of lying again is greater, and thus leading to my mental torture.

sm,
don't worry, ultimately, i DO trust the man i married. of course these thoughts crossed through my head at one point, but i choose to take his words for it because deep down, i know its the truth.or it may be perhaps i want to believe him so much that i managed to convince myself that its the truth, but it doesn't matter. it may be also the 2nd post you posted, but the husband i know and love cannot be such a person. i've known him for almost half my life and been together for that long a time, he's a person with integrity and a huge sense of responsibility. i know, why didnt i think of all these when i was torturing myself before.. but it was hard to rationalise things when my mind wasnt in a rational state then. things that i told myself then were replaced 'but what if i was wrong'.

interestingly, he actually does have a spare phone with a pre-paid card. just got it, in fact, coz when we were queuing to buy his phone, he chanced upon an cheap offer and saw a nice number, and so he bought it. the phone is not always with him though. most times he leaves it at home.

albee,
thanks for sharing your story.well, when he gets angry, his eyes just show that he's angry. =) but when we were in the middle of all the incidents, i did see hurt too..

i dont think i can be as generous as you. but i do agree with this 'There will always be girls who will love and admire your hubby but he chose to marry you and love you for a lifetime instead of others'. i guess it works both ways. when we were still working towards a life together and having no savings and money, it was difficult. i did have better-off suitors after me then but i was never interested. i love my hubby and then i already knew i will marry him. it doesnt matter how easy or how difficult a life i will have, as long as its with him and no other.
 
stardust,

"but the husband i know and love cannot be such a person. i've known him for almost half my life and been together for that long a time, he's a person with integrity and a huge sense of responsibility. "

Again a word of caution. Well, it is good that you trust your husband. A person can be one person for many years but can change the very next moment. Or a person can have a specific value that he adhere to strongly and yet may one day waiver. I am not saying your husband is like that. Look for behaviour as I said.. not values or words.. because words and values can change over time.. Behaviour is something that we cannot hide.

Of course having a spare phone with pre-paid card does not mean anything. I have 4 phones by the way.. it does not mean I have 3 mistresses.
 
Oh that's great! stardust, the reason I'm asking is becos my wife is also entering her 3rd trimester soon (23 wks). Now then I fully aware that during her gestation is not easy to ride thought. But I tried to accommodate to her needs as much as possible, on top of the usual care and concern. It's alot tougher than what I thought.

Hope that your hubby can ride thru' your pregnancy with you together. ;)
 
Hey stardust..

I just read through this entire thread and this might sound weird, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. You were coherant and rational, and I really admire that you continuously analysed and reassessed your own thoughts and behaviour. You knew when you made mistakes and you admitted them... which is something many people are unable to do.

Yes, trust is an extremely fragile thing and once shaken, will take a long time to rebuild. However, I believe you are on your way... just get through one thing at a time. Right now your priority is your baby!

I wish you all the best. =) If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to drop me a pm. I'll be more than happy to provide a listening ear.
 
hi sm,
i understand that there is simply no guarantee in this world.tides turn and circumstances change. love is simply too fleeting, and that's why i believe that on top of love, there should be all the other ingredients that make up a truly happy and lasting marriage. it all boils down to choice i think. i can choose to be a highly suspicious person, and try everything to prevent something from happening, keep from loving him too much, and focus on protecting myself from any hurt or disappointments that may or may not come. or i can give my love and trust freely, be myself, protecting him and being there to support him in our lives together, as long as it may last. the 2nd choice is, of course, a higher risk to the fragile me. i would be susceptible to being a broken woman, in spirit and in life, if eventually he turns out to be a lying creep. but it is a risk i would willingly take, for the love we have cultivated over so many years, i think it is still a safe bet.

hi rofthelper,
its good that u're putting her on top of everything else. different women do have different symptoms, but nonetheless, pregnancy is demanding on her both physically and emotionally. its not easy,and it'll only get worse when the baby arrives when the pregnancy hormones rage havoc in her head,and she's exhausted from caring for the precious bundle. just keep showing your care and concern. sometimes all she needs is just a shoulder to cry on, try your best to ensure that your shoulder is available anytime and anywhere she needs it.

Congrats on your impending joy! when she delivers, make sure you have lip balm and water with a straw ready. the delivery room is amazingly dry. =)

hi AB,
thank you for the positive feedback on my character. =) i suppose many there are times when pride overrides, and that's why many ppl find it hard to admit they're wrong. i'm just one of those ppl with a lower level of pride. i must say that it can be tiring at times, when i just want to stop thinking, and just react according with the flow. which is how my husbabd reacts actually. maybe that's why we're a good match, and to be frank, we seldom quarrel or fight. i'm more the head and he's more the heart in our relationship. i've always been able to take a step back and look at things in another perspective, but i'm only human after all. i think sometimes my husband takes it for granted that i'm capable of riding through on my own, and that was actually what resulted in a mental breakdown for me some days back. it was just too much for me to take on my own.
 
hi,

i'm actually curious about these two ktv nightclubs my hubby says he goes to - lasvegas and tian an men.

he mentioned something that sounded like club royal too..

has anyone been there and could give me an objective point of view on these places?
 
Yup, the overall atmosphere, the clientale, the behaviour of the hostesses there... etc

i've never been to such places, and what i know is based very loosely on what is portrayed on tv, which i believe may be an overly unbalanced view tilting towards sleazy and lots of drunken groping... be it hostesses towards customers or vice versa.

i don't want to ask my hubby too much, otherwise he might misconstrue it as i'm not trusting him again. but would like to get an objective view so that i understand the workings better, and so that my imagination wouldnt go into overdrive whenever he's out at these places
 
actually, it depends how far the clients want to go. no?

u can drop by and see the ladies going to work or leaving with customers. Places of vices, the gals are basically there for one objective. Money.
 
hmm, wat u see on tv is abit more sleazy... u prob find those types in the cheaper ktvs in cheaper areas.

well for starters, both ktvs are Not Cheap, so most regular pple won't go there and pay out of their own pockets. i haven't been to tiananmen for awhile liao... so i am not gonna comment much on them. my galfrens celebrated their bday there before.

LV is popular amongst the pple with more money to spend so the clientele not simple pple.. u can see the hordes of lamborghinis/ferraris parked there nitely. abit more biz setting, or rich personal indulgence. u can find some of your favourite actor/singer idols there (and i dun mean spore). my company gals have been there a few occasions... BUT it's very rare for gals to go there unless for biz engagements.

hostesses mostly from china. erm, u try groping them lor... i can't stereotype the gals, but honestly u dun go trying to grope or kiss them, u prob get pushed away, a tight slap or they walk out. it really depends on u and the gal in question rite? and how regular u are... it's all very interpersonal... like your regular waitress at a local pub giving u a hug & wishing u happy bday. whether there's more - it's another story.

these places are high-class... for KTVs, the more expensive - the lesser u can/should do. the rooms are in full view from the outside. If u're into groping and all those stuff, these places are definitely Not the right places... there are other places that gives u that sort of thrill...
 


I don't think you can infer much even if you are there. I can be there and do absolutely nothing. Or I can have a lot of fun.. it really depends. It is not the fun per se.. but probably the way it was used for biz and entertainment. If your hb really want fun, there are much cheaper ways of doing so..
 
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