In LOVE with a married man

yes....I agree...that's why I have never encourage Sad_gal to continue with that r/s. She doesn't even need to think about choices. Only 1 choice - Leave that guy.

Dun understand why there are still so many reason behind the thoughts of such r/s. Unless she has fell in love with a divorcee with kids and she's troubled, else, she shouldn't be even asking for opinion of whether to continue or discontinue....

Sigh.....this place seems to have quite a number of "3rd party" seemingly looking for consolation for their acts....
 


Tired Mom, it is not based on reasons but on feelings and emotions, that is why it is so hard to break away.

Pinkie, I too have had my fair share of being approached by married male friends/colleagues, from my 20s till now. The latest "proposal" came two weeks ago. I believe there is something amiss in their marriages and that they are disillusioned with specific single female friends that they have, for example, me. The fault could not be mine just because I went for tea with him (the latest episode) one afternoon since he was nearby my office and wanted to catch up. Hey, I am not going to assume responsibility unnecessarily.
 
dunnoe . to me its all bullshit ..

when young , we all also feel lonliness , do we find that category of ppl ?

which means that it is just one of the way but not a neccessity to cure lonliness .. kind of lame excuse ..

if u dun mind scroll upwards and see .. archive at 21st .. follow by archive at 30th . and today is the 2nd le ...reflect back on ur actions to see if its really effective .. stop moaning and get moving ..
 
Actually to love who or who to love are fated la..just need to draw the line and c what u need.
I know a few single mums.. one of them, who is in her early 30s and 2 failed marriages, said that she already lost faith in men.. there is no different betw single or married man. She dont want to be married again and she only want someone (be it a single or married) who can care and dote her. She said what so special abt single man.. she already got 2 who failed her and gave her a miserable life. Her conclusion is married man can do a better job on her needs.

Mayb we can said she is very selfish in her thinking or wat so ever, but i understand how she feel and see in her life.. There is no right or wrong when involved married man or woman.. the most important thing is both must know the consequences... be it good, bad or karma.
 
Royal Salute .

i agree that the people that whoever wish to choose has no right or wrong . but u got to look at the angle of these 2 ladies..

they are currently seeking help here .. if they are that satisfied with themselves.. they will have strongly stay firm with their belief le ..

so currently we are not trying to define right or wrong but by how much are they trying
 
If Royal Salute's gf is contented with leaving things to fate, she wouldn't have divorced her two husbands. Fated to make mistakes. Fated to marry wrong guys. Fated to have a bad life.

Contradiction is all I see.
 
Qwerty..

Got your point.. cheers!!

Doll

She didnt said she leaving things to fate la.. read carefully and dont get the words wrong. ^^v
Btw, she is my female fren, nt gf..
 
Royal Salute, I thought you are a lady, that is why my use of gf to describe your lady friend.....my bad.

Well, didn't she say "there is no different betw single or married man"? Isn't that alluding that she is leaving to the so-called fate to decide who she would be with?

I just find that such a statement is self-serving.
 
Doll..

U read that sentence as leaving to fate? She means she dont care her bf is single or married, as long as he can care or dote her.
Maybe I am wrong.. Can anyone care to share his/her points of view on this sentence? is it leaving to fate? ^^v
 
Royal Salute, even if that does not qualify as "leaving things to fate" entirely, she is passively leaving it to the man - married or single - to win her over by being caring toward and doting on her. I don't know how a woman can be truly happy this way.....And, why must she be with a man who can only provide such basic needs? Why is it that she thinks she deserves so little only?
 
Doll..

Do u hv kid? U nvr know wat kind of life other single mums are living, comparing to us. For her, her perspective of life is different from us due to her past history and the situation she is facing now. I cannot answer ur qns for her but i can understand y she feel this way towards her life. Her situation is quite messy which i dont see a need to put in details here.
If u hv 2 failed marriages, do u still hv faith in man who vows to live and love u forever? Sometime, thing is nt as simple as wat we think.. becoz we r nt in her shoes.
 
Anyway, it is definitely WRONG to get involved with MARRIED people (unless they are already divorced or widowed).

No excuses can be used if anyone get involved with them. All bullshit lah. If the married people have problems with marriage, should solve it and not finding excuses to get consolation from 3rd party.

JUST LEAVE THE MARRIED PEOPLE ALONE...

Aiyo....terrible.
 
Royal Salute

I am not a single mom, but I have many gfs who are single moms; some of them have not one but three young children, and some were never married before. I don't see that they share the same perspective as your friend. In fact, because they have little ones who are dependent on them, all the more they want to live better so that they can provide the best for their children.

I am not saying that your friend is wrong because these could be her initial thoughts having gone through two difficult divorces. But I have to point out that her train of thoughts is not healthy and is not working to her own advantage.

I don’t see a need for her to place faith in men in general, so there is no losing faith in men per se. If ever she would meet a man in future with whom she could place her faith, she should go ahead unabashedly. But until then, she should try to find happiness, meaning and fulfilment being single. Don't anyhow place her faith in any man, and then blame that all men are the same!

Since she has such negative thoughts she should do a lot of self-reflection, instead of just blaming it all on external factors. External factors won't change for us, but we can definitely change what is inside us.

By the way, my questions are rhetorical questions. They don't need answers.
 
royal salute,

Your friend is selfish and I say stupid as well.
And what is more, she has children?

She has a choice right? But why involved with Married man in the first place. She only care about her own happiness I presume, but how about her children?

What sort of life values is she imparting to her children by being with married man? And what sort of impact to the children - who grow up knowing that their mother intentional involvement with married man?

What is the big deal about failed marriage? It is not the end of the world and we don't have to by cynical. And single mums? It is not the worst thing in the world.

Yes, she may have lost faith in marriage. Yes, by all means find a man who is willing to be her companion.. but at least steer clear of married man because of the complexity. You won't want crazy woman (wife of the married man) coming to your house and threatening to hurt your children if you don't leave their hb alone.
 
To add, people like your lady friend has to take time to understand herself and the type of person she is compatible with, not just take anyone who can offer some care and doting. That would be a waste of her time and life.
 
Doll..

There is nvr ending to this argument as i dont like reveal too much of her stories. Nevertheless, she has her way of choosing how her life to be.. same as everyone of us here. Be it single, married, divorcee, single parents, mistress, etc, every individual has his/her rights to choose wat he/she want to be. What i can do as a fren to her is lent her a listening ear..
 
Royal Salute, it's not about you arguing with me or vice versa lah. Of course it's her choice, her way, her life. But if I had a friend like your lady friend, I will knock some sense in her, instead of just lending a listening ear. I don't feed people with more pity than they already have for themselves.
 
Royal salute,

Remind your friend that she is a MOTHER. And her actions/decisions may impact her children. What that is done cannot be reversed. She don't want to do something that her children will hate her for and that may not be reversible.

As a friend, we not only lend a listening ear but must also help to counsel and help her see from another perspective.
 
Doll, SM

Her situation is nt as easy as just only wat i mention here, 2 failed marriages and single mum. There are more complicated issues on her which i already mentioned a few times that i dont like to reveal much. If nt her daughter, she will hv just left this world some time ago.
 
Royal salute,

Everybody has their own difficult moments. We are not trying to simplify her issues... Nothing is easy in this world but we should not just take the easiest way out.

Have no more comments on her. She just have to live with the consequences of her decisions.
 
Doll

haha.. she is nt la... is all the men gg after her.. she has many choices.. young, mature, single or married men.. She is still a very attractive and pretty lady. Just happen that she feel better being wif married man.
 
RS, if Beau A, B, C, D, E, F or G are not suitable, then be alone lor. Doesn't mean all these men go after her she must make a choice out from one of them. Being single is also a choice. Her siuation is not unique lah.
 
Do we just live based on how we feel?

OK. I feel better with girls under 20.. does that mean I go around hunting for them?
 
caramel bath,

back to the question. i don't smoke. but i know my answer will be choice no. 1 if i smoke. you are right. i am more to the emotional type. i do what i think i should do, i will not care what others say abt me. that's me. i know that i am a selfish person. that's why i ended up like that. guess it's my retribution.
 
As I have said, it takes two hands to clap. Women are very emotional being; so once we are into a relationship, it really takes alot (courage + effort + determination) to pull out. The other women is often blamed for destroying the family, selfish, wicked etc. It's not like we are the one who have the initial intention to lure married men into affairs.. Haiz.. Dunno how to explain, and I know no matter what, no one will approve/ see it positively. And might prob. end up getting hurt/ broken hearted and used.

Sad_gal, we are in the same shoes (though I hate to admit that I am also very attracted to married men) Maybe..maybe one day we will slowly get out of these.
 
"Women are very emotional being; so once we are into a relationship, it really takes alot (courage + effort + determination) to pull out"

Sorry, what logic is that? If you know that you tend to act on your emotions, then all the more you need to cool down and apply some logic to your burning issues so that you can resolve them.

I am also a woman but I use logic when making important decisions. Some decisions are going to cause us some pain initially, but good thing is human being has very good survival instincts. We can deal with the pain and one day it will hurt no more, and we can have a new lease of life.

Yes, relationship takes two hands to clap, but you are responsible for your side of the decision. If you want OUT, no one can force you to stay.

Every relationship closure will bring us closer to the next or even THE ultimate relationship. If you don't let go of this one that is not working, you just might have passed your chance on the best.

Be hopeful.
 
"Women are very emotional being; so once we are into a relationship, it really takes alot (courage + effort + determination) to pull out."

Since you know your weaknesses, all the more you should take steps to overcome it. Believing that you can't do much or just take the easy way out (and flow with the tide/emotion) - is really self-fulfilling and will fuel your emotions even more.

Sometimes what is needed is just to take a step backwards - you can see more and things more clearly and decide.

It takes 2 hands to clap but at least you can dECIDE on your end. No one is saying the married man is faultless but at the very least, you should make your own decision and not just have the thinking because the married man is after you, you need to respond.

By the way, is married man really that attractive?

No wonder the girls I met always ask if I am married..
 
Today I see another real-life example of a child victimised by parents' divorce.

This young man is one of our Uni students. He failed his last subject and could not graduate on time. We tried to contact him many times via phone and emails but no response. He finally called me this morning when he received a letter asking whether he intends to withdraw from studies. He was apologetic for missing lessons and failing the subject. He explained that it is due to health and family problems as his parents are going through a divorce. He asked to be given another chance to take the last subject so that he can get his degree.

I am very sad when I spoke to him. Such a promising young man but have to suffer bad health and emotional roller coaster because parents want to split. I did not ask for the reason of divorce as I do not think it appropriate to probe. It could be reasons other than adultery. But what I want to point out is adultery will highly likely turn a family upside down and this is one example of how it will affect the children.

The 3rd parties here call themselves sad girls and broken hearted. What about the wives and children? No doubt they are sad wives and sad kids and hearts broken in a million pcs.

For sad girls they just have to deal with one problem, ie the man they want is married. But for the sad wives and kids, problems are multiple and of greater magnitude - cannot work, eat, sleep, cannot concentrate on studies, suffer ill health as a result, loss of love and affection and from hubby/father, loss of time spent with hubby/father, possibly loss of financial support, depression, fear of commiting a relationship in the future, insecurity and many more.

I think that no matter how much we forummers discourage affairs, the people involved will not change their thinking overnight. Just hope that they will REFLECT REFLECT REFLECT and come out with a wise decision.
 
Hahaha...

sm, I personally don't think married man are much attractive. They only looked attractive because they are usually (usually only) older and looks more matured. Usually (also) more financial established lah. So looked more secured.

Being married for many years now....I don't think my husband looked that attractive because I know of all his weird and bad habits which the 3rd party don't get to see. Hence, what they see is "illusion".

So, sad_gal & pinkie, kick that married man out of your life lah. You already know that nothing good would come out. Stop living in the world thinking one day this guy will come to you....
 
I completely agree with Tired mom. Married man showed their true character, bad habits etc after marriage. Mine tends to behave differently when they are with friends compared to when he is alone with me. Sad but true.
 
I agree with all that Tired Mom and Belle mentioned above. I also dont think married men are more attractive. They appear to be so to some ladies cos 'forbidden fruits' always taste better. The more you cannot get them cos they are married, the more challenging it will be.

Married men are a NO NO, cos most will not leave their wives for you.

A married guy friend once told me, he will not divorce his wife for his gf cos his wife has stood by him thru the years. He wants to have his cake and eat it as well. Today, he still has his wife and gf.
 
sad gal,

please choose someone else!!
have u ever thought of how your man had betrayed your trust?
have u ever doubted his words to his wife vs his words to you?

which is true??
he says, u believe?

u are wrecking someone else's family
this guy , to begin with, is not even worth for you to fight for...coz he has betrayed his wife's trust for allowing him to go out, hence knowing you. He has betrayed your trust by keeping the truth from you, he has let emotions run wild by accepting sms and msn from you!

he is leading you, BUT u have a choice.

no use being sad! u know wat u should do
 
thomas, i also say. wait till his wife finds out one day. but the things is, he has so many single gals after him. guess he portrays himself to be very confident and successful.

he probably has broken many hearts and has many mistresses. well, that's life when you hv money and status.

And aiyo all these young gals...sigh..
 
Doesn't matter whether he has all the gold mines in this world, retribution will come to him one day. What goes around comes around.
 
sad_gals

pls leave that man lah.. imagine u are the wife, how do u feel???


(The 3rd parties here call themselves sad girls and broken hearted. What about the wives and children? No doubt they are sad wives and sad kids and hearts broken in a million pcs.

For sad girls they just have to deal with one problem, ie the man they want is married. But for the sad wives and kids, problems are multiple and of greater magnitude - cannot work, eat, sleep, cannot concentrate on studies, suffer ill health as a result, loss of love and affection and from hubby/father, loss of time spent with hubby/father, possibly loss of financial support, depression, fear of commiting a relationship in the future, insecurity and many more.

I think that no matter how much we forummers discourage affairs, the people involved will not change their thinking overnight. Just hope that they will REFLECT REFLECT REFLECT and come out with a wise decision.)--- so so so true...
 
Yes...very true....

Not sure why the 3rd parties in forums need to portray themselves as pity, broken hearted and sad....

Just leave the married man ALONE...else I really hope (*evil me*) that you would face the same situation after you get married. GOOD LUCK!
 
hi sad_gal,

i guess by now u must have heard all the good advice given by all these good ppl here.

and i know u want to follow ur heart, but defer all logic and common sense.

so i guess the only way to find out ur future is to walk the path to find out for urself. good luck!
 
sad gal,

By the same extension.. even women cannot be trusted.

All human beings cannot be trusted.

So live in an island by yourself lah..
 


Hi Hans,

I'm in my late 30s. Not a divorcee but nearly one...now trying to see if can re-build my marriage with my "did-not-admit-straying" husband for the sake of my kids.
 
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