I m feeling lost ....

R

rockdworld

New Member
Hi all i am new to this site, i saw this forum n i really hope to get some advice.My so n i been together for 3 yrs. Life turned upside down when he become jobless for 6 mths and i have been paying for everything now and the fact he doesnt seem to be trying hard enough makes me feel like it is going to be endless...it just makes me wonder how long is he going to reamain this way and i told him countless of times that i cannot be helping him this way becox he aint doing his best and i dont even feel a sense of willingness from him to make our live better by jus getting a job, we planned to get married next yr which i dont see it happening with his jobless status therefore i pulled back the idea and he pointed that i am a selfish crap not wanting to help him . i am not sure if i m being realistic or materialistic for having this thought of leaving him.First of all he was offered jobs but declined reason being he wasnt comfortable with certain issues.He didnt managed to get a job from anywhere on his own because he was choosy. i know that being a couple or in fact since we are planning to get married next yr i should stand by him but his laziness wanting to slp and slack around really puts me off and even his family. His grandmother kept asking me to talk to him to just get a job rather than lazing around but he just turns everyone's word into deaf ear.I tried discussing with him he denied that he was being choosy. i do understand the choices are mine but its like i am so confused ... one on hand i dun wanna crush this 3 yrs relationship but on the other i am no longer confident ...
 


Unless he gets a stable job, or else, put marriage aside first. The expenses after marriage is a sum also. He cannot be relying on you financially. As a man, he should have a sense of responsibilities for providing for his wife and family. Slacking and idling around too long only makes a man more lazy. Not that you dont wanna support him, but he himself has to put in effort also instead of just waiting there for ppl to clear.
 
When the kids comes there will be more mouths to feed. And think of the amount of money you need to spend/put aside for education. There is also medical expenses for the kids. Sometimes they really have to see pediatrician instead of GPs and that is not cheap. Unless he gets a job, it will really be a hard time for you.

Please think carefully before you leap.
 
hi, huhu.

is it okay for you to reveal to us how he became jobless? was it retrenchment? did he quit? 'cos 6 months is a long time to be out of job. although economy is not very good now, finding an average job is not impossible. it is definitely not materialistic of you to be thinking of leaving him, however much you love him. it is a matter of being practical. you said he called you a selfish crap for not wanting to help him, when in fact you had been helping these past 6 months! sounds like he has some major issues maybe he hasn't told you.

if this carries on, it is going to wipe out whatever savings both of you may have (if he has any left at all). ask him if he is really serious about you. 'cos it takes 2 hands to clap and 2 persons to make a relationship work out.
 
You are not being materialistic, u are just trying to be realistic. Huhu, i am afraid that you might have to postphone ur wedding until he find a suitable job and settled dwn properly. He can't be possibly living off a woman right? Maybe you can try to talk to him and see what kind of jobs he is looking for, then help him find a job by doing up a resume for him and sending on his behalf to seek for job? Donno whether it will be a good idea, but then at least can set his direction right..

No one can help him, he is the only person who can help him...
 
Hi thanks all for your replies ... freesia - he quitted and then got terminated now choosy over job ... i dont think he can ever come up with a solid reason to back up for all nw because i am equally tired and as i told him no one likes to work but we need the salary to survive... its beginning to wipe out my savings plus i am studying now ...i am paying for my own sch fee ....i am juggling between studies n work n i really feel like i am going crazy seeing him being this way ... Kessie-i did more than enough to help him and even called job agencies but he had issues with them as well.talked to him so many times he just simply brush off he knows what to do but till date he didnt do anything ...i told him i will leave if he continues this way he told me off and asked me why should i always say such words and why do i have to be so calculative and not as if for these 3 yrs hes been living off me and i should learn just to make less noise and he wont want to own me either but due to his "issues". if i wanna minus off the job which terminated him after 2 months he can be considered as being jobless for a yr .
 
wah!! that sound nasty.. u are working to pay off ur school fee, and also gonna sponsor his spendings, that sound abit too much for me to take it.

I would have left him alrdy...thou it might sound mean. But you can't be paying everything for him while he simply do nothing at home? It will only add on to your burden. A guy can be poor, but at least he must have backbone and some integrity!! It is the character of a person which u should be looking at, for a husband. He has the responsibility to shoulder the burden of a family, not to increase ur burden... unless he is sick or physically unwell to work...Definately, i don't think he is the sort that you should be marrying, even thou it can be a 3 yrs or 10 yrs relationship.
 
For goodness sake, your bf is jobless not lost a limb or contracted a terminal illness. There is no reason to live off you.
 
Did you ask him what exactly he wants to do with his life? His plans? Tell him you dun wan to hear about "I know what to do", you wan to see it.

Seriously speaking, you can forget about marriage. I'm not pouring cold water over you but marriage is a life-time committment. If you already can't get past your own gate about him being jobless, then you can forget about getting past everyone else, e.g your family and friends. I doubt your own parents wanna see their own daughter married to a good-for-nothing wastrel bah....

Sorry to say, it seems that he has some attitude problems. If he doesn't change, what with the current situation in the market, it would be even harder to get a job.
 
Jinnous- yes i told him d same i dont believe my parents would want me to marry off this way n tho i had been hiding from em abt him being jobless but i cant get past my own gate.I told him i dont want to be packing n crying over spilt milk to my family and he said i was a drama queen.he is jus jobless nw not forever. i asked him what he wants to do in life he would jus reply he dont know feeling very lost and if theres anything he will just take it but he didnt do anyting.i feel like i am repeating myself over n over again. i really have to make up my mind and i even him i am not obliged to do all these for him and even if i do i do it for someone with genuine reason not excuses. Hectic work and exams are driving me to a corner n i feel i will drive myself to d grave if i carry on with him. i hate myself for being soft hearted wanting to wait or even believe theres ever this day but all these mths i feel like my patience are wearing out ...
 
kessie - he isnt only expecting me but his granny ... i am dumb founded whenever she ask me abt him ... he wasnt like this before i dont know why he is becoming someone i dont know... i feel as tho he is a stranger to me
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try out a period of maybe a month for cooling down bah... your exams are coming, so can take this time to also focus on studies and let him fend for himself. maybe he will "wake up" when his "walking ATM" is not around to give him anymore handouts. if he still doesn't change then, i suggest you dump him. you deserve someone who will love you and cherish you properly.
 
he cant even handle himself for only such a small hump in his life. either give him a wake up call or i suggest to you jump ship.
 
Are u staying together? Why does he need to "live off you"? Agree with freeesia that u should "cool down" for a month or 2. Probably tok on phone but not going out (minimise spending money on him) then decide what to do next after ur exams
 
huhu,

cut him loose as soon as u can. u will not be the one who will wake him up to the realities of life... this is the period where boys become men, and it is not something u can convinvce him to do, but for him to do himself... sadly, his dependence on u and family help when he's Not even able to warrant help from himself... will be the same reason he will remain as he is.

i have seen many boys remain old-boys becos their gfrens, siblings n parents keep giving them support and handouts without considering the consequences...

he does not appreciate u at all. and i doubt that he loves u in the way u expect to be loved... u will play the role of his mother/gfren til such time when he is more stable, or he finds aother girl more willing to 'support' him. then he Will leave u.

Most of us here, if we were in his shoes... we would not only Not take your money, but we would work macdonald's or do waitering/bartending just so as to ease off your burden and let u concentrate on your studies... instead he is doing everything contradictory to what a SO would do. Why? do u not see? do u need more time to be convinced?

if he feels he's too good for some jobs, u know that his ego is misplaced liao. becos it is not right to feel this way when u NEED the money... years later in situations when his parents are sickly n need money to recover; when u are pregnant and need money for gynae; when your kids need money for school.. he will not feel Any urgency at all. Some signs are there at an early stage... See It Clearly.

he is not one u can depend on Now. instead, he is dependent on u, and sibling, and family...

If u recognise him as a Man, then u are in denial; If u think he is of marriageable stage, then u are self-deceiving; If u think u want to stay with him, then be prepared for a future most women want to avoid... One of Uncertainty, One of frequent Instability, One of Shame where u dun dare face your frens and family, One where u will hold on to hope then turn to religion for divine intervention... One where u will be accustomed to seeking MPs for help, appealing to HDB for help, til u have no choice but seek parents for help... the likelihood of either side of your parents selling their HDB to raise money to help u two is Very Real...

u may think that what i write is extreme... yet it is one of the most common scripts i see for local young couples where a BOY marries simply becos his age deems him a man.

be very very careful, this guy has a higher-than-average chance of destorying all your dreams, pulling your family and his family down with him... i call them the Good-For-Nothings... boys who have Ego but no Backbone, Ideals but no Credibility, Goals but no Action, Wants but no Plans, Talk but no Support. basically an empty vessel.

he will change one day, but not with u around... it will take society and realities of life to educate him. he will never listen to u so dun bother trying... he will only listen to u when he needs u to give him something... like a little kid who does thngs becos u reward him with a sweet for doing so...

take care.
 
Hi huhu,
There will be more commitment after marriage and of cos more expenses coming along. Do you want to be the only one shouldering all these pressure. For me, I wouldn't marry someone i can't depended on. If life is already miserable before marriage, then i would suggest you to think twice. But no one can give you a definite answer whether you should stay or leave. Only you yourself know the best whether he deserve you to stay or leave. I guess you already have the answer, what's holding you back is the 3 years of relationship. I did experience giving up a 3 years relationship, it felt miserable at first, especially breaking the news to my family. But now I am glad i made the right choice cos I found a much better man which is now my hubby. You are studying now cos you wanna a better future... same thing for relationship, what's your future will be depend on what decision you are making now.
 
Oh Please, he is already jobless for 6 months and he still dont know which direction is he heading to?? Guys can be poor, but definitely cannot be afford to be lazy. If i were you, i would have left him already. Being so lazy and full of excuses, waiting for money to fall from heaven? If he works and not enough money to get by, at least he still strive for a living rather than to idle around all day. It's time you give him some stress rather than at the end of the day, you are the one handling the stress alone.
 
no we dont live together but jus few blocks away and yes i do think that he cannot fend for himself and let alone setting up a family.I am always giving him excuses that i am studying therefore unable to meet him but actual fact is i am minimising the chance to spend my hard earned money for him...I hate to feel this way but i really am so sick and tired.I am doing part time whenever i can for a friend and its almost killing me because i need to pay my sch fee and my own expense and giving my parents allowance. i have to admit powder is right because he doesnt see d urgency to work at all and not all wanting to ease my burden.Even asking me to quit my studies cox its just a waste of money.. we had a big fight yesterday and he said i am like an insane woman and give me a few days to cool down to be normal. I hate him more n more and yes i have to move on and walk off he is just a sore loser and i am a big loser by being with him.I feel so hurt after all the things that i have done and he is not even grateful but asking more n more.i feel like killing him ...
 
Standing by your man if he is earnestly looking for jobs should be the right way... support him morally and financially if unfortunately no jobs come along despite his diligence in his job search!
But I do not understand why stand by a man who idles his time... I reckon he thought he can rest & relax cos he has his family and you for backup!!

(I got a friend who did Mass Communications overseas, came back and can't find a related job for 3 yrs. So he did sales and part-time waiter... Then he got a DJ job... before progressing to investment banking...)

You and his family are indirectly feeding his laziness! Every post here is good advice! Take heed!

U wanna SUFFER for LOVE... suffer for a worthy cause!!! Please do not love blindly!
 
"ask u dun study cause its a waste of money"

This man dun work now, dun plan for future, dun believe in education. hmmm... Im speechless...
 
I have a guy friend who is jobless for more than 10 years! He was retrenched 10 yrs ago and since then unable to find an "ideal" job. In between these 10 yrs he worked in a couple of companies each not lasting a few months because the job had "no prospects" or "wage too low". So he rather laze at home with zero income. The more he lazes at home, the less likely he is able to find a job "with prospects".

There was once another friend had lobang for part time workers and asked him to help out but he turned down saying that the wage is too low and requires manual work. He just refused to move his butt! We tried persuading him to less idealistic and get a job regardless of whether it is relevant to his skills but he refused to listen. It's been 10 years and we do not know when he will wake up. It could probably be never. Powder could be right. Such men will never change.

The difference between him and your bf is that he is single and unattached and living off his parents and siblings.
 
he is also looking for his ideal job and refuses job because the wage is low but true enough he is earning zero by waiting and he can do so unless he is not depending on anyone or doing a part time job.He cannot take hardship and he was introduced a job that paid well but it was a manual job therefore he quitted after few weeks.Even if he finds a job now i still fear d same situation after marriage. i just cant trust him not that i am being paraniod.i hate to feel this way about him but i am busting and i did told him anyone who is sensible enough to think would feel this way.yes because we are both of single status thats why i back out from the marriage plan.i told him he was immature and he snapped at me that he should marry me as i cant even stand by him now ...i no longer feel any sense of security, he just made me lose all the love for him over the three yrs and i made my stand i am not being shallow for wanting to leave him because of this period of time.i feel so heart broken.. its almost nothing he could have done to made me feel better and i dont wish to see him at the moment nor wanting to go through the emotional roller coaster because my exams are around the corner and i am likely to be affected by my emotions.i feel so stressed up ... he really made me felt he is a woman trapped in a man's body because he dont even feel a sense of shame when i told him off yesterday how could he as a man live off a woman.he just took it as if i was talking to myself.i told him if he could listen to so much of what i have to say and without feeling a sense of shame then he no longer is worthy of my love because if i had a place at his heart he wouldnt bear to see me go through all these and taking everything for granted. i didnt cry when i said all these words to him because all the tears dried and after yesterday's fight i am so over him...
 
Really can't imagine anyone being so irresponsible even to himself. We should stand by our partner when they are down and out but in this case, you have done enough and time to move on.
 
So what have you decided to do?

The more you think about it, the more you won't let go....suggest you get it over and done with.

I think we ladies tend to drag our feet. When you have decided, just go ahead. Dragging it will only make you hate him and yourself more...
 
huhu,

i know i'm a stranger and all, but if u could, re-read my initial post... that is the experience u're very likely to have... and i'd hate for any ladies to have to go thru such way of life.

it's not abt no job nor wanting a better job etc... it's actually his REACTION, his ANSWERS, his ATTITUDE that can sum up the husband/father he will be If he remains as he is. and with u, unfortunately... he will very likely remain as he is.

i dun think u're the lady to inspire him, if he can be inspired at all.. i dun think u're the wife he'd 'work his ass off' for, if he ever does it. thing is... i would go walk on fire for my mum; swim thru oceans for my wife; climb moutains for my daughter... let alone work to provide for them... it's something too basic that everyone of us will always have this inner strength to suffer for loved ones...

when a guy not only does not have this basic decency, but still DEPENDS on the pple whom he should be supporting... plus he thinks it's his right to be served... then u have to dump him. i'm not even gonna ask u to give him time nor chances. it just doesn't make sense whatsoever... it's Doomed.

huhu, one of the most important criteria a guy should have is Shang Jin Xin. a guy cannot dun have this.

also, he does not love u.
 
yes i do realise i am not the lady he wants tho he kept saying i am the one for him,and true enuff if i were the one for him i believe he would wanna work hard together to tide over instead of stretching his hands and sitting his ass on the sofa.its not only me who is commenting on him even his family.his grandma is very ill and fortunately his parents are able to pay the medical bills and from the way he is reacting i dont see he is concern about anyone's well being not even his family and self claiming how much he values kinship but he dont value a shit.he is using my money because he felt i am working while he is not and making it as if it is perfectly alright and said i despised him and yes i do of cos in my heart and i think highly of myself just because i am getting my degree and felt i should just drop my studies as gals dont need to study too much just depend on the husband well haha sounds like a real big joke to me now.From the time he got jobless i realize he is my greatest nightmare and yeah apparently he doesnt love me enough wanting to work hard i love myself more than he does wanting to dump him.He is a completely useless man who is asking me to borrow money from my parents for business venture.I told him i aint a fool to do so because it is heading no where.he is just thinking by having his own business would make the situation better instead of working and using his own hard earned money.he is simply an iresponsible man to me.i am determined esp aft yesterday's fight and told him to back off and we would trash it out after my exams.
 
Just dump him. What is his defination of ideal job anyway? Plain laziness and excuses. It seems to him it's more ideal to be rotting there with zero income than accepting something which he was offered and move on from there.

He just cannot take any hardship and living off you like a leech. Let him starve and he'll see if end of the day it's still ideal for him. For now, you are sustaining his Ideal-ing.

When he is not even feeding himself, he has no rights to talk about the word ideal.

I seriously doubt any real man will ask the gf to borrow money from her parents for him. Zero level of integrity. Throw guy's face and he thinks being a boss is easy? You need to be putting in multiple amount of effort than your staffs to pull throw. Crap.
 
i am not trying to press him down but i did told him he had no right to make any noise that i am being selfish because he isnt contributing anything and he can jolly well stop lying he aint those typical man who lives off a woman because he is doing it all now and tested and proven.i dono wheres his sense of shame and yes with zero integrity.i am a lady if others said this of me i will feel shameful too let alone a man who can still treat it like nothing when being told off.
 
Initially i did believe he wasnt this sort of person and told i would help out but he still has to look for a job.little did i know he took my words so real that he is expecting me to help him along the way and making zero effort to find a job.he even told me off yesterday i was the one willingly helping him and he didnt know i would make a big fuss over it. i really blamed and hated myself,wished i could just kill myself to stop the pain.
 
As your stand you've done enough. He should be ashame of himself in the face of you, friends and even his family members. Why so? Because he is living his "ideal" life and cannot wake up his farking ideas.

My stand is always clear. When you cannot even feed yourself, you have no rights to talk about "Ideals/Passion". Because you are basically living your ideal life on others. I laugh at the part when he mentioned about woman should not study much and blah blah blah. He can't even support himself and yet he talks big?

It's not you pressing him down. He's degrading himself and you just have to let go of him. Like I mentioned, you need to starve him to wake him up his farking ideas. He can say all he wants but it is his damn life and he lives it himself. No one will be there for him always.

Like the story of when you see a man starving. Will you choose to teach him how to fish for himself or give him a fish everyday?

Well this guy is choosing to ask for a fish from you everyday because it's either a hassle to hook the bait or it takes patience to fish.
 
Have you asked him what is his idea of an ideal job?

But if he never put himself into an effort of finding a job, there will be no such thing as an ideal job, but lazing around (Ideal job??).

I think you have really been patient enough with him (6 months??), and it's time to think about yourself and it's not selfish at all to consider yourself first instead of him when he makes no effort to even help himself. The next time he will probably tell you that the market is so bad now that it's more difficult to find his "ideal job"
 
Supporting is one thing. What he is doing is another. So what if he ain't gonna find the job that suits his liking? You gonna support him for his lifetime?

6 months is considered a reasonably long period for someone to be out of job. If the duration is 1-3 months, fine. To have the luxury of taking a break or preference over jobs, one must still be able to sustain it HIMSELF, not at the expenses of others. Moreever 6 months and he still has the cheek to say that he is feeling lost and such. I mean come on lah kaoz wtf had he been doing the last 180 days?

He has no rights to choose. And he had been taking your support for granted. To depend on such a person? Marriage? I would not be surprise with such mentality he will be attributing his commitments and hardships in life to you if u'll ever get married or start a family. This is his calibre.
 
I lived in self denial all along just like anyone other gals who want to give it another shot but after all these while it is already proven everything so much.I dont wish to affect myself but i really feel so hurt every now and then.. the worse is thinking how much he didnt love me enough wanting to ligten my burden.i have no more excuses either for fending him.i lost in the end but i really wish to walk past all these craps...
 
huhu,

asking u the borrow money from your parents?? are u kidding me? your parents can help u but not help u to help your bfren. and he actually has designs on your parents' money??? this is worse than good-for-nothing liao...

the next part when u mentioned he wants to do business... is the killer liao... guys like that normally dun have the mental capacity nor perseverance to see a business succeed... everyone around him will end up forking out for a bigger debt than what normal pple can afford.

breakup with him as soon as u can. dun feel bad nor sad... it's just that at this point of a girl's life... u dun need the extra pressure of financial and relationship burden. u really dun.

i can guarantee u with all my life experience that a better guy is just around the corner... in fact every 100 steps u take u'll meet someone better.

all he needs now is to be hooked on gambling, Lan-games and u've got a classic bum.

dun feel bad for not respecting him... cos there's nothing there was respecting...
 
I was just a step away from asking if you wanna know better guys I can close my eyes and handpick anyone out of my friends to show you what a real man is made off. But I never like to matchmake haha.

Men spit upon hearing one as such.
 
I told him not to target on my parents now that he had almost sucked up my money.he claimed its for our future.i "admire" his courage to say that to me.i told him off that even if i wanna venture i would use my own money.i have to admit i am not a wise person its better i jus remain single. i hate myself for allowing him to hurt me. i am just dumb enough to believe he loved me.now i just wanna bury myself in studies n work,even after completing my studies i will work part time instead of wasting my time in love.3 yrs isnt that long but the efforts throughout this 3 yrs really makes me feel so hurt...
 
huhu,

there's still a long path ahead... First & Foremost, concentrate on things that impact your immediate future - your studies. u can definitely do it, block out the relationship matter for now, trust me he's gonna still be there at the end of it unless u break it up now. focus on studies and nothing else... the results cannot change once u've gotten them, so get the best result u can.

the answers for your relationship are all there lined up for u liao, it's whether u wanna apply Now or Later. i suggest now cos u dun need to be stressed over x'mas and new year... else u'll feel obligated to be with him. i will put this to u now... He Wants Your Parents' Money. at this age, this stage, he HAS DESIGNS on your parents' money. he HAS DESIGNS on your money. he hankers his FAMILY'S MONEY.

he is too good for making his own money, he is too good to work, he is born to do biz where everyone Must help him to get started.

need to say more? thank goodness it's just 3yrs... u got easily 30yrs to go til u retire... why screw it up with this guy? dun feel hurt, u wouldn't know what sort of person he is at the earlier stages... u're just getting your answers now when the Real-world is being faced.

remember how we go into relaionships and tell ourselves that we'd give it a few months to see if this person is the one? alot of pple forget to re-visit this question with honesty... they keep brushing the question aside, week after week, year after year... huhu. the question is with u now... and u're lucky, cos the answer is also given to u liao... they are in the 2nd paragraph of this post. any love he has for u isn't even the least bit obvious...
 
The bum featured in here makes everyone's blood boil. Like wat hei bee hiam says, men spit upon hearing one as such.

Even disabled people are more ji1 ji2 than that.

I know of a few personally who despite of their disability, goes to work everyday, rain or shine, selling nic naks to support themselves.

I won't be suprised that the bum will resort to violent crimes to get money in time to come. Better stay away before getting yourself implicated.
 
tat's cos as guys we see alot of such guys... starting from our sec school remember? those guys who go around asking 10cents from each classmate during recess time and end up having a better lunch and soft drink than most of us... some of them are still doing it in their 30s today, except it's 1k here, $500 there etc... i have at least 60k of bad debt from these pple. some have wives who will approach me for 'milk money' and school fees, kids in tow... it just never ends. some of them have parents calling me and asking me to speak to them... How do u change a person if his life has been made easy all these while by borrowed money and goodwill from pple around him? i have helped with their debts, failed biz, school fees, car instalments, summons, petrol, parent's medical, gfren's medical, wife's maternity, kid's education etc etc... each time just Once, max Twice, and ended the frenship thereafter. it's closure for me as a fren...

so i seriously can't imagine being the wife to such a person... there's NEVER a closure. we're talking abt a whole bright future destroyed. none of these frens are able to take care of their aged parents. what more their wife and kids? they were never meant to get married.
 
Hi everyone,

I know people are not perfect and we deserve a 2nd chance.
But I feel very upset. My 1st bf of 9 years plus (from 1999 to present) has never told me he was married b4. He's in his late 30s and me late 20s.

We have discussed about getting married next year, in fact ROM in Jan.
I've also mentioned to him that I've no idea about his past though he told me he had an ex-gf b4. I said I would want to check his marriage records with ROM just in case...

Lo and behold... he didnt mention anthing until last month.. he told me his then gf kept pressuring him to get married and he ROMed with her in 1996. Then it was "annulled".
I was very upset and angry but forgave him.
Guess what?! He showed the degree nisi to the solemniser but it was a divorce and not an annullment!!! He claimed he did not know. His ex-gf or rather ex-wife was the one who got a lawyer filed for it. It was stated that the marriage is dissolved after 3 years of separation and it was a "divorce petition".

I feel very "cheated". I cried a lot.
I don't know if I should marry him.
He knows I'm very upset and angry.
He keeps saying it's in the past and we should look into the future. But I'm someone who is rather perfectionistic and idealistic.
My parents (esp my father) do not really like him cos' he's much older than me (less than 10 years' difference).

In fact., they have said they do not intend to attend the ROM when I asked who would be the witness to the marriage. My mum asked me to get a colleague or friend. They don't know this latest information that he is considered a"divorcee". I've not mentioned anythig about annullment or divorce. Not even to my sister.
I feel very depressed.
 
I feel upset that he did not tell me even though we've been together for 9 years plus...

I've asked about his ex-gf before, like why did they break up etc (of cos not during first few dates)... but he only said it was mutual and they were schoolmates... and he said she has gotten married and has children.

He did not refer to her as "ex-wife" or that she has "remarried".

I feel that he has cheated me for so long...
I have spoken to his mother twice about this.
She said they did not have the customary wedding and did not live together. I said then it should be an annulment... he did not even realise that it was a divorce until we spoke to the solemniser.

I know some people might think I'm foolish and rigid but I really feel upset that my 1st bf whom I have loved for almost a decade had actually married another woman whom he knew for a shorter period of time. I have discussed marriage with him a few years ago but he did not want to settle down then.

I feel "cheated"... If I've known earlier, I might have broken up with him and moved on, or I might have forgiven him.

Why didn't he tell me the truth? Why did he withold this from me for so long?
It's not something which I would like to discuss with my close friends... neither can I discuss with my family members...

I'm a very idealistic woman who would like to marry my 1st love... Too perfectionstic...
I know it might not be good for me to have such thoughts... A close friend has said I should know more guys and choose wisely... She has often told me that I should not limit my options and that my bf might not be so suitable for me...

I really don't know. I do love him. But I feel very hurt. I try to think of the positive side, of the sweet things he has done for me... His mum said if I love him, then I should not mind this incident which is long over.

I know that some people would say I should not magnify this. It's like holding a pebble close to the eyes; it blocks out your entire view... try to hold it further away from you, it is merely a small object. Knowing is different from feeling... Rational thinking versus emotions...
I feel upset. I'm younger and more educated. There're other guys interested in me but I chose him.
 
kindly clarify below questions below i give my pov.

Cheating is commited when there is an intention of hiding the truth. In your post you keep stressing your emotions with the description of Cheated. So you feel cheated because he did not come clear to you about his past or you feel cheated and not happy that "he actually married another women whom he knew for a shorter period of time."

You said less than 10 years age gap difference ..i deduce it got to be 6-9 years..
what was you thinking or your plans when your parents object to witness your ROm? can i also say that during these 9 years, there were also no actions to improve on relationships between him and your family ?
 
if he's been nothing but a wonderful fbren and the man u wanna marry, u have to learn to put it aside... some pple marry and fine out they cannot have kids even if they spent their entire lives envisioning a family... some can't have sex. yours isn't as bad, though i must admit to have him hide from u is pretty idiotic.

But honestly, he might not be lying cos he might have really thought he was being annulled, and tat makes him officially unmarried.

as for marrying first love, i Never encourage that to be honest... it's like never weaning a kid of milk... whole like only drink milk. refuse to taste other drinks in life... how to be convinced that Milk is a favourite drink when only tasted 1 drink - milk???
 
Hi qwerty & powder,

I feel "cheated" that he did not reveal this to me much earlier. that's the main thing.
I've discussed that since my parents do not want to be the witnesses to the ROM, then both would be his parent.

My mum is actually ok with him though she doesn't think he's the best for me.
my dad is a very stubborn man.
It was an "underground" relationship for the first few years then it became known to them.
My dad objected violently. So I had to tell a white lie that we've broken up...
Then last couple of years, they knew we're still together... he did meet my family for meals but the relationship between him and my family is not as gd as between me and his family...

I know he thought it was annulled but he should have told me this long ago.... say after several mths or 1 year into the relationship...
not like almost 10 years later and about to ROM... suddenly this piece of information is made known to me. I feel confused.

I should feel, like others, happy to get married and plan for the wedding... But no, I'm feeling upset and lost. Doesn't help when wedding invites from friends and colleagues keep coming my way... should not feel the peer pressure to get married. I should get married when I am ready. But this incident has really affected me.

I know I should only marry him if I am able to put this aside and not bring it up in future. But I know it would always be a thorn hidden somewhere in my heart...
 
u know what makes Life perfect? it's the Imperfections... the flaws in pple, the crooked paintings, the unfairness in events... without them u will never know how priviledged a life u lead...

u have your flaws too dun u think? u have an underground relationship, yet u sorta expect your parents' acceptance come that day. instead of being proud of your man, u placed it in the dark to avoid disapprovals. If u feel what u have is Right, dun treat it like a wrong... half of it could be sttributed to a stubborn dad, but surely - u see how u guys had a part to play in it as well right? just as u can't accept him keeping his 'marriage' from u...

marriage isn't a competition. those who compete to get married will naturally qualify for the heats to the divorce competition.

it's good u recognise tat u may be feeling external pressure... that will help u realise that u might be abit superficial in that sense.
 
In my workplace people used to ask me when i am getting married as a few who entered the company with me have married or are getting married. i don't really bother about that. but i don't like it when people ask me such questions. some ties i would say, why you want to gv me big big ang pow is it?

Indeed you're right that i've my flaws too. i do not deny. i get emotional (emo) quite easily. His temper is more temperate while I'm a flighty person who can get into a rage. Been trying to manage my anger or my bad temper. That night when he told me about his "annulled" marriage, I took in a deep breath, looked at him and asked "Really?" Why didn't you tell me earlier?" He said "It's hard. It's not something I'm proud of." I looked at him and walked away. I knew that if I had not done so, perhaps I would be so angry that I would raise my voice or even slapped him. I then walked to a shopping mall, locked myself in the toilet cubicle and cried... then i went home... The whole night i was not able to sleep well.

The relationship was "underground" bcos my parents would not have approved of me having a bf when I was still studying... Then I revealed to them when I thought it was the right time (after a few years). But my dad became violent and hit me with a cane (even though I was studying in the uni) and with a stool. I do not really like my father because he resorts to violence and always hurls verbal abuses. In fact, he has a mistress for several years, since I was in Sec Sch. My mum is someone who would not walk out on him. I would if I am her. We're from different eras with different educational backgrounds, values and attitudes. My mum is a housewife and she is submissive and scared of my dad. She takes the cue from him. She was supportive of me having a bf initially though she thought I could find a better man (in terms of age, appearance and qualifications). My father's mistress talks to him on the phone everyday, a few times a day. She often says bad things about us and she has badmouthed my bf too. What I find it strange is that my father has said some years ago that my bf, being "so old", has married before and is a divorcee. A pure coincidence? perhaps. His mistress is a divorcee. My mum said that the mistress probably do not want others to have a happy marriage and hence "poisoning" my father with all kinds of negative remarks.

I give household allowance to my mum but not my dad coz she is the one who buys the groceries and stuff. He works and I do not want to support his mistress indirectly.

My bf knows about these.
Some years ago,my father once wanted to beat him up if he see him sending me home. But cos my bf doesn't send me back every time we go out nor at the same time, my father didn't manage to see him. That was when after some consideration, I decided to lie to say we've broken up.

I agree with what you said about "marriage isn't a competition. those who compete to get married will naturally qualify for the heats to the divorce competition." In fact, it was very nicely put. Probably that was what his ex was trying to do. She wanted to ROM with him asap even though they have not started working then but merely finished their studies.

I do not and I cannot let my family know about this recent development in my relationship with him. Coz that would be the nail in the coffin.
I think I need to get some divine help... I wonder what God would say. I feel very confused.
I thought I know what's best for myself.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." - Anais Nin

I feel hurt and wounded... I feel weary and tired. Yet I wonder if I should just let go and move on and look into our future rather than harp on his past. But I'm someone who doesn't hold back my thoughts, feelings from him. Why then did he not be transparent about this?

I think I'm just being stupid. The first few years, he did not even bring me to his home for dinner. In fact he did not even give me his home number. I actually found out from the telephone directory after seeing the address from his carpark label! I am one stupid woman who should have reviewed the relationship and let go... instead, i clinged on though I've always wonder if he is the right guy for me... he said he was not ready to bring me home then.

I was very upset when I saw that the decree nisi was granted only in 2000, even though I was with him since 1999. He maried that girl in 1996.
I asked him why has he not thoroughly reveal everything to me. I was very controlled when we were talking to the solemiser. I smiled though I was on the verge of breaking down. Why must this happen?

Some times I feel God is unfair to me. I know life is unfair. I know every family has its problems. But why do I seem to have so many problems? I want to start my own happy family with him... I told him I would not want to know 10 years later that he has actually fathered a child with his ex.

Yet I wonder if I would regret my choice if I walk out on him now...
 


it seems to me that the you are putting things under a microscope.

nine years of relationship did he have any contacts with his ex ? you are now blaming him for something which was done in the past. relationship and marriage is to work out a better life together in the future and not going back into history.

Consider that at the age of year 1996, how matured was his thinking ? he may be doing things out of foolishness but it was lucky that he manage to back out in time with the wrong girl. (if it was true like what the mother say about not living together and haven had chinese customary.)

the only issue is actually if you can put down this thing or not, if not your 9 year relationship will go into a puff of smoke.
 
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