I don't see myself growing old with him

[blunder]

Hi all,

All these while i have been reading the posts in this forum and i have never imagine myself having to post my own sorrow. It has been at least 5 years since i'm having the thot of parting with him. It has been 18 years since we have dated including 7 years of marriage. We have 2 beautiful kids of 8 and 6. This is the only thing i would want to thank him for.

We both know we have been burying our problems. He has a very childish and petty character and that causes him to lose friends and even family member around him. He hates his older brother in laws just because they did not say "hi" to him or strike any conversation with him. He took it that they do not like him and from then he will start ignoring them and treating them like enemies. Even for his own siblings, he does not allow anyone to make any comment on him. And he is very sensitive to comments people made and always thinking they are directing at him. With this behaviours, he lost friends whom used to be closed. Whenver he made new friends, friendship grew fast but it never last long.. i feel sorry for him.

as a spouse, i always try to explain and neutralise things but to him, he took it as i'm siding them. He'll then yell at me and accused me of not siding him since day 1 of our r/s. To me, i hate to see him losing friends and people around him but we just dont see eye to eye.

towards the kids, all he think is he paid for the schoold fees (pretty ex for the pre-school) and he has done his part. i felt he should have given more love and care. I see other fathers buying breakfast for the family every weekend but in fact i'm the one doing it. if he does, he would drag all of us along. all these years, anything for the family, he would get me to do with him or ask me for decision. when things go wrong, he'll eaither flare up or blame me. in order to avoid arguement, i usually choose to ignore and brush it off.

however, i'm feeling the accumulation and really think we could do without him. i really don't need him and i never did.

just clueless on what i should do...

 

[adelene]

Hi Blunder,

Your case is similar yet unique on its own. If you want a long lasting marriage, don't put expectation on your spouse, or rather ask yourself what more can you give?
In life, there are good time and bad time, be happy and appreciate each other in good time and provide supports to each other during bad time.

For your resentment feeling, try to seek professional help. You can start going on your own before deciding whether you want your spouse to join in.
It is never too late to begin with one.

 

[blunder]

thanks Adelene for the repsonse.

Based on these years, the more we carry on, the more i feel that i'll be leading a more miserable life when we grow older. i know life will for sure be easier and happier for me if we part. problem lies on the kids. i hope to give them a complete family thus each time he flares, i give in. i have always been planning in my mind on what kind of life the kids and me will be leading if we split. i know i can make arrangements and take good care of the kids. but the fear of him being nasty stops me from moving on. he won't let go of the kids even though he knows i can do a better job.

in terms of supporting him, he has been in sales all these years and i have never question him on how much he earns. in fact, i have been contibuting more to the family as compared when he is much more richer than me. he kept his money for himself and didn't even want to buy insurance to make sure that if anything happens to him, the kids are taken care off. i don't need him to leave any money for me but for the kids. he does love the kids but comparing, he loves his money more.

he is very particular about home reno so when we moved, we spend more than 10k on unneccesary reno just because he didnt the contractors did a good job. and bcos of this, he had depression and had to go for conselling and consultation. it upsets me too and i told him as long as it can make him happier, go ahead and reno and we'll share the cost. end up he still find fault over tiny little things and get upset.

we dont fight even though he has really bad temper. people who knows him know how bad his temper and even his own sister thanked me for taking care and tolerating him all these years.

well, seems that i'll have to wait for him to cool down before making any move. in fact we are now in a cold war and he is not sleeping at home. I know he is not having any affair and i'm confident about that. in fact, i have been thinking if he has an affair, it'll be good for him as long as the person loves him more than I do and is able to make him a better person. if that happens, i'll be happy to let go!

sigh... too many things on my head and with the work stress, just have to think think and think. If i could turn back time...

 

[sadman2009]

If love doesn't exist and nothing can be done to rectify the situation, then it's better to leave him. Be kind to yourselves and do it when you are still young. When you still have the chance of meeting someone better in the future. Life is short enough, don't spend it miserably. May be you can tell him about your decision.

 

[verysadguy]

If love doesn't exist and nothing can be done to rectify the situation, then it's better to leave him. Be kind to yourselves and do it when you are still young. When you still have the chance of meeting someone better in the future. Life is short enough, don't spend it miserably. May be you can tell him about your decision.

I really like what you wrote. This is also the reason why I choose to divorce instead of trying to live with her . Life is short. Don't wait and wait and regret in the end. That time, you would probably be very old and your chances of finding another half is even lower.

 

[miloice]

Blunder, selection mistake, he will not change, his ego is more important than his social and family, what more a spouse? Wake up.

If you can and want to live with a man like this, continue. Else, you know what you need to do.

 

[blunder]

thanks all for the advices. Love do exist and I really hope to put in more effort in helping him than to let him "rot". Yes, he mentioned man has more ego and pride. so this is why he is so concerned about how others behave towards him. he thinks i'm too easy going.

who can i refer him to so as to let him know that something has to change in order to move on better? someone who can tell him that he has a character problem?

in fact, we have been to a fortune teller more than 10 years back and she said that he will grow old alone.. we asked what does it mean but fortune teller was unwilling to reveal. this lingers in my brain and i think it is the cause of me thinking we wont be together? i guess its not a good thing to go to fortune tellers! also, the fortune teller mentioned that in his life, he will not have close friends. People who were once closed to him will leave him.. it does happen from my years being with him. all sound so true~~~ . She also mentioned that i may die around 50 plus. so i guess i have got only about 10 years to live. :/

i hope the kids can have a complete family. i'm not asking to be the happiest woman on earth. but a more "less worrying" life... i'm not thinking of a 2nd marriage. i really would want to help him. but how should i do it when he doesn't see himself having a problem?

我真的不想就这样放弃。。。

 

[sadman2009]

Go counseling or see a psychologist? As to the fortune-teller thing, what he said can actually apply to everyone. Think about it, if someone tells yourself or you tell your friends the same thing, probably they will agree to some degree that these are true for them. So don't really be bothered with it.

 

[verysadguy]

thanks all for the advices. Love do exist and I really hope to put in more effort in helping him than to let him "rot". Yes, he mentioned man has more ego and pride. so this is why he is so concerned about how others behave towards him. he thinks i'm too easy going.

who can i refer him to so as to let him know that something has to change in order to move on better? someone who can tell him that he has a character problem?

in fact, we have been to a fortune teller more than 10 years back and she said that he will grow old alone.. we asked what does it mean but fortune teller was unwilling to reveal. this lingers in my brain and i think it is the cause of me thinking we wont be together? i guess its not a good thing to go to fortune tellers! also, the fortune teller mentioned that in his life, he will not have close friends. People who were once closed to him will leave him.. it does happen from my years being with him. all sound so true~~~ . She also mentioned that i may die around 50 plus. so i guess i have got only about 10 years to live. :/

i hope the kids can have a complete family. i'm not asking to be the happiest woman on earth. but a more "less worrying" life... i'm not thinking of a 2nd marriage. i really would want to help him. but how should i do it when he doesn't see himself having a problem?

我真的不想就这样放弃。。。

What I can tell you is that it is useless. I used to think that I can change my ex wife. I can say that she has a character problem. We have seen a counsellor and she is on treatment in IMH as well but the doctor and counselor has said that it is up to her to change.

 

[sadman2009]

Verysadguy, can't you see that blunder actually is not here to ask for what she should do? She is only here to vent her anger or pour out her heart. So, no point telling her again. What needs to be said has been said. Moreover, now she say there is still love. She still loves him. So what's there to complain about. Loving a person deeply should cover whatever shortcomings the other person has. And since she still loves him, I will just wish her well. The end.

 

[miloice]

you are stuck in this mentality that you need and can fix his mind. The only one that can fix it is himself. If he doesn't see the need to nor believe it is important and useful for him, he will not change no matter how you try to help him.

One can and will grow that reality falls flat right at their faces and there is no way to escape and excuse their way away. If you are still thinking about influencing him, reflect over who has the most influence in his life, it could be someone close and he trusts and look up to. A mentor or something.

 

[life_is]

thanks all for the advices. Love do exist and I really hope to put in more effort in helping him than to let him "rot". Yes, he mentioned man has more ego and pride. so this is why he is so concerned about how others behave towards him. he thinks i'm too easy going.

who can i refer him to so as to let him know that something has to change in order to move on better? someone who can tell him that he has a character problem?

in fact, we have been to a fortune teller more than 10 years back and she said that he will grow old alone.. we asked what does it mean but fortune teller was unwilling to reveal. this lingers in my brain and i think it is the cause of me thinking we wont be together? i guess its not a good thing to go to fortune tellers! also, the fortune teller mentioned that in his life, he will not have close friends. People who were once closed to him will leave him.. it does happen from my years being with him. all sound so true~~~ . She also mentioned that i may die around 50 plus. so i guess i have got only about 10 years to live. :/

i hope the kids can have a complete family. i'm not asking to be the happiest woman on earth. but a more "less worrying" life... i'm not thinking of a 2nd marriage. i really would want to help him. but how should i do it when he doesn't see himself having a problem?

我真的不想就这样放弃。。。

Don't think too much about what the fortune teller said. The future is based on what you do now.

Do what you can and don't think about what is out of control.

 

[cynthiasotong]

thanks all for the advices. Love do exist and I really hope to put in more effort in helping him than to let him "rot". Yes, he mentioned man has more ego and pride. so this is why he is so concerned about how others behave towards him. he thinks i'm too easy going.

who can i refer him to so as to let him know that something has to change in order to move on better? someone who can tell him that he has a character problem?

in fact, we have been to a fortune teller more than 10 years back and she said that he will grow old alone.. we asked what does it mean but fortune teller was unwilling to reveal. this lingers in my brain and i think it is the cause of me thinking we wont be together? i guess its not a good thing to go to fortune tellers! also, the fortune teller mentioned that in his life, he will not have close friends. People who were once closed to him will leave him.. it does happen from my years being with him. all sound so true~~~ . She also mentioned that i may die around 50 plus. so i guess i have got only about 10 years to live. :/

i hope the kids can have a complete family. i'm not asking to be the happiest woman on earth. but a more "less worrying" life... i'm not thinking of a 2nd marriage. i really would want to help him. but how should i do it when he doesn't see himself having a problem?

我真的不想就这样放弃。。。

Sister, it will be hard and tough as he himself don't see himself having a problem.. Beside high ego, I can say that he might love himself more than anyone. As a woman, I know why you don't want to give up on him and children are innocent. I will ask for you to try to relax yourself and try to go have some fun with friends or kids first.. I'm afraid you will be too stress and tense up before u can really help him..
I actually position myself in ur situation. If I have a hubby like him, I will not hide anything. In fact, i will tell him we need a serious talk..
I will tell him how I feel and how much I love him., I will let him know that I am willing to stand by him and look into the situation together but will need him to help me too.. I will tell him I won't want to divorce as I love him a lot and me and the kids need him.. If he willing, we can seek help..

 

[blunder]

thanks everyone for the concern and advices! I have been really busy at work thus didnt have the time to log in. yah, should not dwell into what fortune tell said.
i'll try to slowly influence him as it's only when he know what kind of person he is then we can walk further on changing him. When he still sees nothing is wrong with him, it's totally impossible to get him to fix my concerns.

after seeing those suicide cases recently, i want to treasure my family even more especially when i know he still does loves me. And he loves the kids too. it's our duty to provide family love for the kids and bring them up in a healthy environment. i'll try best!

have a good weekend everyone. i'm glad i was here to pour out the sorrows and think about all the advices that you all have given. thank you again..

 

[mirrorcelcius]

kind of strange for all couple problems.....did they see it when they are in initial dating ? what kind of person their spouses ?