Husband affair

thetoots

New Member
i am in mid 20s so is my husband. Recently i found out that he is having an office affair. Dating and hold hands. Not to the stafe of intimacy yet. Had confronted him and he does not want to end the affair. I am puzzle. I do not know what I can do. They are texting every now and then. She knew that I knew but is not ending. She is married and still have boyfriend out there. Thought of divorce but unable to let go. Currently pregnant and I have two kids. We have been together for 8 years. Married for 3. We had always been quarreling but we know its fine because of our character. Right now I dont know what to do to end this. Thought of alerting the lady spouse but had promise my husband that i will not disturb their life and wrecking someone marriage is so not me. They are office colleagues and my husband admit that she caught his eyes. They started officially half a month ago. He feels that I am irritating. But he treat me so near yet so far make me confuse. However, we still have intimacy. Why? Because he cant get it from that girl? Or because he still wants me. I am confused. Neither did he give me an answer that whether does he love the girl or me. Can someone help me. I am scare i want to save this marriage but i really dunno how.
 


jkwedding308

Active Member
i am in mid 20s so is my husband. Recently i found out that he is having an office affair. Dating and hold hands. Not to the stafe of intimacy yet. Had confronted him and he does not want to end the affair. I am puzzle. I do not know what I can do. They are texting every now and then. She knew that I knew but is not ending. She is married and still have boyfriend out there. Thought of divorce but unable to let go. Currently pregnant and I have two kids. We have been together for 8 years. Married for 3. We had always been quarreling but we know its fine because of our character. Right now I dont know what to do to end this. Thought of alerting the lady spouse but had promise my husband that i will not disturb their life and wrecking someone marriage is so not me. They are office colleagues and my husband admit that she caught his eyes. They started officially half a month ago. He feels that I am irritating. But he treat me so near yet so far make me confuse. However, we still have intimacy. Why? Because he cant get it from that girl? Or because he still wants me. I am confused. Neither did he give me an answer that whether does he love the girl or me. Can someone help me. I am scare i want to save this marriage but i really dunno how.

Try to find out what is the root problem at hand and his reason(s) for having this affair AND continuing it despite you knowing. Prior to this, how is he as a husband to you and how is he as a father to your kids? You need to get him to come clean otherwise matters will only worsen. There is no obligation on your end to submit to his request for intimacy just because he's not getting any from the affair. If he wants the intimacy that comes from being married to you, he should jolly well oblige to his duties as a husband and not continue on the affair. Both of you may also want to consider marriage counselling. Your husband's colleague, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have much fear or shame in this matter but if needs be, you need to confront her and take a firm stand... Whether or not you eventually tell her husband is another matter but there is hypocrisy in your husband's demand that you do not disturb his colleague and her husband's life when she has so clearly disrupted yours - he may just be fearful of how her husband may react and how he will get into trouble with him...
 

thetoots

New Member
I think he fear that for me doing so the lady will end with him. I had text the lady once on that day i found out. Sad to say. She continued. And well she fear of me exposing her to all her friends and her husband. So she keep try to convince my husband to lie to me and all. However he know me well enough i do not buy simple story and neither am I that naive. I do not have the root of the problem. However, this happen after my frequent OT and he do felt neglected. He did raise to me about it before this whole thing start just that I did not take it seriously thus i felt i am also responsible for it. But nevertheless wad he did is definitely wrong. And i had told him that. Now i am trying to make my our time. Our intimacy cox previously i do always reject him as i am tired moreover pregnant. He do feel hurt thus i told him i will change. But seeing him texting the gal day and night just make me dishearted, i wonder will my change pull him back? Or he is just taking advantage that i am soft hearted?
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
I think he fear that for me doing so the lady will end with him. I had text the lady once on that day i found out. Sad to say. She continued. And well she fear of me exposing her to all her friends and her husband. So she keep try to convince my husband to lie to me and all. However he know me well enough i do not buy simple story and neither am I that naive. I do not have the root of the problem. However, this happen after my frequent OT and he do felt neglected. He did raise to me about it before this whole thing start just that I did not take it seriously thus i felt i am also responsible for it. But nevertheless wad he did is definitely wrong. And i had told him that. Now i am trying to make my our time. Our intimacy cox previously i do always reject him as i am tired moreover pregnant. He do feel hurt thus i told him i will change. But seeing him texting the gal day and night just make me dishearted, i wonder will my change pull him back? Or he is just taking advantage that i am soft hearted?

I am glad to see that you recognized what he did was wrong yet realize some of your issues may have been a contributing factor. Be upfront with him and ask him what he hopes to get out of the affair and why he is not willing to end it. Ask him what he sees in the future of your marriage as well as his fatherhood with the kids. In other words, where does he see his own future? If the current affair is just a thrilling fling he's having at the spur of the moment, gently point out to him the futility of continuing such an affair when even he himself doesn't see a future in it but to get him to return back to your marriage which was first laid on solid grounds. If he, however, sees his future in the affair, gently prompt him what basis he has for that and remind him that it would be waste to throw away your marriage for something that may not last. After all, the other woman is fearful of being exposed so unless she wants to just continue behind-the-scenes hanky panky, it is unlikely that she is going to ask for a divorce from her current husband and start afresh with your husband.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
TS, if your husband is willing to end this affair are you prepare to start afresh with him?
As in, to completely forgive and forget . If you can , then it's worth trying to resolve this problem.
I understand your situation is sticky with 2 kids and pregnant with another, but it shouldn't
be the reason to continue . Kids can be better off in a single family then a broken one where
parents ain't behaving themselves properly. Please remember, children observes and imitate
everything from their parents. If their parents are distrusting, the children may grow up not
being able to trust others and become insecure. Anyway IMO, mistakes can only be forgiven
but never forgotten and I can never live with it. just me.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
TS,
I think you don't understand what Miloice said. If your husband is not feeling apologetic and remorse over his actions but has continued to do it. There is no forgiveness.
You get what I mean? You walk up to a person and said I forgive you when the person doesn't think he has done wrong or doesn't feel apologetic is meaningless.


Don't suffer in silence... Why want to allow yourself to be the victim... Well, you have every right to tell the lady's friends and of course her husband and her affair... You yourself are a victim and you know how unfair and wrong that your husband has done this to you. So be fair also to her husband ... Tell him about it. It's so cruel to be kept in silence while your spouse betrays you. Don't you agree.
Let her understand what betraying her husband would mean and cost...

And don't be naive and stupid to think that they have no committed any sex. I would say they have already done it countless of times. And why your husband still want to have sex with you? Well, he's an a**hole. That's all. He just want to have the best if both world. It's great to some guys to be able to have sex with a few woman at the same time. And moreover, that's with the wife tolerating it.
Why he denies having sex with the girl? You know divorce in the ground of adultery on his part and you can claim more percentage of the house and ask for alimony. And for the other lady if the husband has got proof of adultery. She will be divorced without any alimony. They are not stupid. But you are!

You can't leave him? But do you know that many people won't realise their own wrongdoing if nothing happens to them. And they will not stop. Do you need to stay on with someone being unfaithful to you continuously just because you have kids together? Many divorce persons can still leave their lives happily. And many times it's only after the divorce that the one who strayed realise of his/her wrongdoing.. And realise how good their spouse were.


Using SingaporeBrides app
 

thetoots

New Member
He left last fri on the day of out eldest bday.
He found out tt i am contacted the lady and felt tt we gang up and fooled him. He is angry and disappointed and tired he said.
He stay smwhr else now and claim that he had another girl.
He do not want the kids anymore.
He even say that he wun be there even if I deliver.
My world suddenly collapse.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
He left last fri on the day of out eldest bday.
He found out tt i am contacted the lady and felt tt we gang up and fooled him. He is angry and disappointed and tired he said.
He stay smwhr else now and claim that he had another girl.
He do not want the kids anymore.
He even say that he wun be there even if I deliver.
My world suddenly collapse.

Everything happens for a reason, at least this an affirmation on the ending itself. it's going be tough but you must go on. You must believe you will be the one smiling in your twilight years when your children grow up. That's what I always tell myselves.
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
He left last fri on the day of out eldest bday.
He found out tt i am contacted the lady and felt tt we gang up and fooled him. He is angry and disappointed and tired he said.
He stay smwhr else now and claim that he had another girl.
He do not want the kids anymore.
He even say that he wun be there even if I deliver.
My world suddenly collapse.

I'm sorry to hear of what has happened. But this is an affirmation that your husband is dead set in his cheating ways and is not remorseful of his actions. The fact that he claims he now has another girl shows how fickle-minded he can be and if anyone should be angry, disappointed and tired, it shouldn't be him but you. It would be normal for you in this situation to feel anger towards him as he disappoints you with his actions. But don't lose hope. This is a tough moment to face but for your sake and your children's sake, you have to stay strong. He may not want the kids anymore but if a divorce is in the plans, you have every right to request alimony from him and he is legally obliged to still provide for you and the kids...
 

thetoots

New Member
I dunno. He seems a change person as much as I know fault in him but something went wrong in our marriage that cause by me too.

I hope to bring him back despite all he had done. To me a failed marriage is due to two not one.

Anyone had save their marriage or can advise wad i can do?
 

sadman2009

Active Member
Why do you say it's also your fault? What have you done? Slept with another man? To me, if you betray you are to be blamed to a large extend....

Well, since he is not remorse. Then, you should now think of yourself. Get more evidence of his adultery acts. Record his words that he admits having a girl. If got a chance take photos of him with another girl.
Since he is heartless, then there is nothing to look back... Get a good divorce... Ask for the house and get him to pay you alimony... He will regret in the future... But now, don't be soft...

Some of my friends ex-husband after divorce led a miserable life with little financially. In the end, he also split with the girl who was the third party. And the ex-husband is living a very hard life but the wife is having a very happy life with good finances.


Using SingaporeBrides app
 

thetoots

New Member
He will ba. Cox 3 kids if i file for divorce.

What i did wrong? Maybe i mistreat him? He felt i am irritating, controlling and all. Which i possibly did. Only thng i did right is I am faithful throughout.

I am sad sad till i dunno how to walk out. Bt i dun wish to walk out. I only want to save the marriage if possible.

Gosh.
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
He will ba. Cox 3 kids if i file for divorce.

What i did wrong? Maybe i mistreat him? He felt i am irritating, controlling and all. Which i possibly did. Only thng i did right is I am faithful throughout.

I am sad sad till i dunno how to walk out. Bt i dun wish to walk out. I only want to save the marriage if possible.

Gosh.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to save your marriage but you need to remember that it takes both parties to be willing to make an effort - it will not work if only you are willing but your husband isn't. You need two hands to clap. And that seems to be the case here. Ever since he walked out on you, has he shown any signs of remorse? Did you talk to him about it? Have both of you sought marriage counselling before? You may have your flaws (everyone does, including your husband) but you have been faithful throughout. His unfaithfulness, however, cannot be forgiven if he doesn't want to be forgiven - how can someone possibly receive forgiveness if he isn't even willing to acknowledge the mistake that needs forgiveness in the first place? Similarly, how can you save your marriage when you're willing but he isn't? Are there any reasons why you're holding on so tightly to wanting to save your marriage? Kids? Unborn baby? Finances? Family/friends' expectations? Maybe even pride and ego? Identify what your motivations are for wanting to save the marriage and analyze if these factors are realistic. Explore if it is really possible for your husband to change over a new leaf and to put in his fair share in saving the marriage. If he isn't willing, all you're putting through is just a waiting game that will only land yourself being more hurt and grieved and possibly even more frustrated and angry later on...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
There are always difference between what you want and what are your options. Be realistic. Yes, it is so painful but this is also the truth. No such thing as cannot let go when the relationship is already LOST. It is about acceptance, the first step before any personal recovery can happen.
 

Carousell

Active Member
i am in mid 20s so is my husband. Recently i found out that he is having an office affair. Dating and hold hands. Not to the stafe of intimacy yet. Had confronted him and he does not want to end the affair. I am puzzle. I do not know what I can do. They are texting every now and then. She knew that I knew but is not ending. She is married and still have boyfriend out there. Thought of divorce but unable to let go. Currently pregnant and I have two kids. We have been together for 8 years. Married for 3. We had always been quarreling but we know its fine because of our character. Right now I dont know what to do to end this. Thought of alerting the lady spouse but had promise my husband that i will not disturb their life and wrecking someone marriage is so not me. They are office colleagues and my husband admit that she caught his eyes. They started officially half a month ago. He feels that I am irritating. But he treat me so near yet so far make me confuse. However, we still have intimacy. Why? Because he cant get it from that girl? Or because he still wants me. I am confused. Neither did he give me an answer that whether does he love the girl or me. Can someone help me. I am scare i want to save this marriage but i really dunno how.
Its tough for you to save your marriage because it sounds like you are doing it alone, we need two hands to clap, you cant do it if he doesnt want to. The fact that he continues after you found out, shows that he just wants two women at the same time. I m sad that you have two kids and is currently preggy, your hubby is really very selfish. What do you plan to do next? Are you financialy stable?
 

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