How to make a closure to a endless pain

[meimei1601]

Hi...

This is the first time I have to post this on a "wedding forum". It suppose to be a forum that people share on their happiness on preparation on the new journey in life. But I realise not all. The "matter to heart" is most of us belong.

My ex and I ROM in March 28. It was a short courtship. We know each other for 1yr plus. however, since we are not young anymore and we both know what we want. He decide to proposed to me 5mths after into a relationship. Seriously I was happy when he do so. As we know, we wanted to be together with each other.

Strange thing is.. After his proposal. We seem to have alot of disagreement than before.

1. When I met his parents and family for the 1st time. I was being ignored by them for the 2 hour dinner. No one was asking me question like most people would. I mean, arent they curious about his son's girlfriend/wife to be? They dont ask where I work, work as, how many sibling I have, my family background etc.. make it worst... the only person who keep smiling at me the whole night is the maid of his brother. He did ask me how was it after the dinner... I told the truth.. and he said his family is like that??
   
2. When I ask him "what is relationship to him" after he proposed. He said relationship is like a business. I was so upset by his replied at the start. Business? Does it mean that its just a pay and get service type of relationship or a relationship that require certain return? Becos of such. I actually feel so sad that I almost wants to break up. I rejected his proposal immediately after knowing such, I told him that marriage is not a business. It require alot of hard work and make it thru. I feel that relationship should be a committment on both to make things work. But he explained that his "business' means "serious"? And I getting something wrong hereI have declare and confess to him that I am a high sex drive kind of person. But for such declaration. I was told by him that I should control myself. It become something weird and wrong with me. physical contact is important. If that is a barrier with him. I believe its good we talk things out and decide on our future. How can a married couple live together with physical contact?
3. He always comparing me with his brother's wife (a malaysian whose family is in malaysia and only 1 sister in spore). He has his own business that deal with religious stuffs, who I am a free thinker. he expect me to be at his stall often and would expect me to help out in the stall after marriage. I am reluctant to do so, as I explain. I dont have such believe and I dont think I can help. I can only offer myself to be there helping during special occasion (like CNY) when its really busy. But I need to have my reunion dinner. (they dont have reunion dinner due to the business... oh.. its a family business). I mean... the bro's wife can help all she wants becos she didnt have her own family to take care of. But I do.
   
4. He feel that I dont put in efford to mingle with his family. His bro and wife has attitude problem. And everytime I strike a conversation with them, They will just ignore me. I get along quite well with the mum and sis. But entertaining them everyday is tiring. I have try so many ways. I often bring down dinner to his stall for them. buy them lunch whenever I can.
   The fact that I always tell him is. The stall is where his work is. And I dont find it a good idea to disturb his "work" no doubt his sibling is always there and I shd be there to get along with them. But.... If I can do nothing there and just loiter around like a ghost. Why do I have to do so? I have already did what I can... But its never enough.

I actually feel very reluctant about signing the paper with him. I make a feel question to myself and him. I suggested that he shd buy a house under bachelor scheme, so that we can stay together and get along first, but this suggestion was being deny. end up, I was being accused of not serious in our relationship. He said its not fair to my as a girl to stay together with a man without married. Thats why he insist on getting married first.

He convince me that he will take care of me, protect me and share my burden that makes me believe that I should married him without thinking much. And I do.

Just 4 mths after we ROM. He said he want to annul our marriage.

Reason given was... He is very stress... He is drain and have no heart to carry on.

he give me excuses on an unknown future, telling me that we will not get along and will end up divorce in future. He is stress for the preparation of the wedding which I am the one doing all the thing. He is drain when I told him to put a little support to me and put in a little effort on the marriage. He is the one wanted to have a wedding banquet not me. And all I did was wrong and making a big fuss.

I am amazed by how he can just walk out of our marriage. Giving no reason, just excuses. hurting me like I am his worst enemy. He can continue to eat, sleep and work like any other day leaving me devastated, pain and sadness... I will cry every night to sleep. break down into depression.

Yes we have alot of disagreement and we might not be compatible as mentioned above. But when I decide to take him as my man and make my vows. I decide to love him till dealth till us apart, How can he just do this? other than the pain we have and disagreement we had. We had so much happiness moment before... I dont understand how he do it.

I know time can heal the pain. But the scar will remain forever. I am tired...

Please tell me... what should I do??

 

[sharingNcaring101]

Wow...that is a very hard pill to swallow. I'm sorry to hear this and it must be an awful hard time in your life right now. Men are funny creatures! It’s hard when something like that hits you, Especially when it could be the last thing that your expecting to hear. Men and women have different needs and when those needs aren't being met it will drive a wedge between you.

Maybe if you take a few days each to yourself and think long and hard what you both want. But first of all, pls put on hold and not plan for a family. You know having children can put great strain on a relationship but perhaps he could spend a bit of time together just the two of you and see if you can re-kindle the basis of your relationship if this is what you both want. Communication is very important, more important than sex. You need to set alone time aside for both of you.

Communication is the key to every relationship. If you don't communicate, you will never find the reason why he "fell out of love". There is a saying once a spark, there will be fire..... find your spark again.

The important thing to do quickly is to involve some counselling for both of you. It's not a time to argue about it, but a time to list the realities of life on a piece of paper at the kitchen table.

If he wants to work it out, seek counselling. If he doesn't want to, you go for counseling for your own mental health sake. But whatever you do, as hard as it may be, don't let it affect your self-esteem. It is not your problem, it is his. Been through it, will make you a stronger person.

I highly recommend that you look into buying the book "His Needs, Her Needs”, If you need a good counselor PM me.

 

[meimei1601]

Hi sharingNcaring10,

I also understand the part whereby communication is important. However, he didnt want to communicate. I try my best to save the marriage. I talk to him personally asking the problem between us, asking him to tell me the issue that bothers him. But what he told me was those past issue that we have already talked about it and get over with already.

And everytime I request for a heart to heart talk. He will always said that I am wasting his time, he said that it will be a never ending conversation and he is not willing to listen. He already judge me with an unknown future. predict that we will still end up divorce if we continue with a small peanut incident that happen. He dont even willing to spend time argue with me.

I dont know how the PM works.. but will counselling cost me alot?

I dont understand the fact that how can he just change so fast? at the moment... giving his promises and vows and put in so much to make the relationship works.. at the moment when he is not happy, he can just want to annul our marriage and eat and sleep like any other days pretend nothing happen. Seriously amazed by his behaviour.. Dont feel abit of sadness, dont feel shame losing that relationship that was build with hardship and happy moment..

 

[miloice]

Actually, he gave you reasons but seems its just excuses to you. Both of you have no idea what you were getting into. Both of you are full of expectations of the other party and nothing properly communicated. It isn't a peanut incident, from what you have already written, basic expectations are contrasting.

 

[meimei1601]

Miloice,

I agreed totally with what u said, thats why I told him we need to talk heart to heart and figure out what happen. Everytime he use meant words on me, I will definately not be happy, however, rather than screaming and shouting, I always keep myself quiet and told him I am angry and need to cool down. because I am very much aware that whenever we are angry, words used is never nice to hear. Like I go on diet for my wedding, he will always said I am lying to myself rather than support me. Than make his mum help him to work for him just becos he wants to take that day off to go USS with me (He is self employed) Of cos I do not agree with it, but he said he dont care and tell his sibling this, which create a bad image of me infront of them.

Above all, I am still not good enough for him to mingle with his family which his whole family hates me for that he created.

And whenever we have disagreement, rather than talk it out, he always wants a breakup, now even we are married, he want to annul the marriage. Whenever I want a communication, he will said I am wasting his time.. So how can communication be done? Communication is a 2 way thing... its not always I am the one who talk... He needs to talk and listen too right?

 

[sharingNcaring101]

Hi Meimei1601,

If some aspects of your marriage are too difficult to talk about, or if you seem to be stuck at some point in getting on with your life you may find that the act of writing/speaking out your thoughts to someone will help you clarify and come to grips with them.

Speaking out can be an important step toward maintaining good mental health while feelings of rejection, disappointment, and guilt disrupt your peace. It is especially helpful in the dark of the night, when loneliness seems to intensify and sleep eludes you. Writing is particularly useful for those people who didn’t want to say good-bye to their marriage.

You can write anytime you need to talk. It is a safe way to discharge anger that might otherwise be directed toward someone who has disappointed you. Writing can diminish guilt feelings and be a more comfortable way to unload sorrow and memories that you are not willing to share with another human being. Another reason to write is to preserve the good memories instead of dwelling only on the bad ones. Sometimes the good memories get lost in the struggles of a difficult marriage, but they are there – just as the reason you married this person in the first place is there – valid and valuable.

There is no time limit or expectation for what you need to write. No one will judge you or your writing abilities as you complete it in your own unique way.

Determine to allow your pain to flow freely onto a piece of paper. Once you write it down, you can more easily set it free. Anticipate the day when you will no longer hold on to your bitterness or feelings of failure but release them forever. It will be then that joy and peace can take up residency in your once fragmented life.

I'm no expert to write the above but this was part of my homework when I saw a marriage counsellor and he requested me to do it as part of my counselling assignment.

 

[meimei1601]

sharingNcaring...

I agree with u totally. I do write too... write down what makes him do this and also write down why should I just let it go. After completing 5 points of good things about letting it go, I actually feel that the marriage is a mistake at the beginning. honestly, I was very reluctant marrying him at the first place, feeling that he is not ready. But his sweet talks and promises blinded me and make me chose to believe what he said, believe his promises and believe his vows.

That is what makes me a failure....

 

[italianosportivo]

TS, this isn't a failure but one milestone you got to go through. What I see is that the two of you or at least one is not willing to iron out the problem or even, sit down and talk about it. Most importantly, doing this in individual perspective as well as in each other's.

There isn't someone "made" for each other or "the one". Also, never expect the other party to change for you and vice vera. But more, to adapt to each other's life instead of changing for someone. We all know it will never work. No one will change for someone even if they say they do therefore the saying, "Leopards never change it's spots". However, people will learn to adapt.

Take things slow now. I've been through something much worst and still walk out of it. Depression, frustration, hurt, sadness and all will persist. Won't sing your praises.. Time will not heal all wounds, but time will dull it so let time be your agent of recovery. While time is agonising thing by itself, try to fill this time with something happy to do. Meet friends or family. If need to be alone, perhaps download drama or movies might help?

Take things slowly.. A step at a time. You know yourself better than anyone and only you can pull yourself together. So, DON'T GIVE UP!

 

[meimei1601]

HI Italianosportivo,

Yes u can see that one is refusing to settle the issue like a man and handle the situation as for us. I have no choice but to face the reality to know that this man I married to was born without balls. His best solution is to make himself happy and dont bother about others.. This mean even to his wife.

Everyone has their own story and I believe there are ppl out there who suffer worst than I am. Depression,frustration, being accused, hurt, sadness and all.... like everyone else.

And thank you everyone.. I WONT GIVE UP!! Whatever dont kills me make me stronger.. and understanding he is not worth me gg thru all those again.

I have done whats the best at that time.

 

[italianosportivo]

Good that you feel that way.

I want to share this message to you and everyone that faces relationship or marriage problems now.. and felt this is a message that might also be in line with one of my personal beliefs, principles and philosophies that through, because of, or in spite of your connection with me, no matter if it was a moment, or a millennium, that something good will happen for all of us.

Money didn't buy me what I have today, blood, sweat and tears did. Money didn't get my someone I love to be in my life, blood, sweat and tears did. Happened didn't just happen, blood, sweat and tears happened first. Health was given to me, but fitness didn't, blood, sweat and tears did. Blood, sweat and tears paid for the time I invested at work, in relationships that worked and those that didn't. Blood, sweat and tears paid for the time I had to make sacrifices, of luxury, of personal ego, and of limiting beliefs and now is that time.

I have a plan, a dream, a vision, of which I wished for, hoped for, and then believed in it for. Many a times, there will be people who visit me, and shared the same wish, hope and belief, but not many, and maybe not any be with you till it happens. And even more, who doubted, who disbelieved your beliefs and who even took action to bring it down. It is you who own your dream. And it is you who can give it away.

In local Singlish, I shiok can already or boleh ta. But not in a selfish way. I am shiok when I see my love is happy. I shiok when I can afford that time and space for it to happen. I shiok when I have the capacity to bless another. I shiok when I have friends who share the same shiokness, and I shiok when they create that space and time for me to be shiok!

Dear friends, we all have the capacity and ability to take it to the next level, and many a times, emotion is that tap that turns it on or not. I had to tell myself, let emotions be the fuel to drive your ability, and not hinder it. Ego is our asset, but when it runs ahead of us, it writes cheques that we can't cash. Let it be the pen that drafts your dreams and not destroy it.

I am what I am today, not because I am good, but because my friends and love ones are. They have, in their own way, through then, by them, or in spite of them, given me the colors to paint my dreams. And each beautiful day I have, is a beautiful gift of colors that they have given to me.

And I wish for you, hope for you and believe for you, that when you have your dream, that this message is one of the colors that has made it brighter and more beautiful than anyone can imagine. So whatever you're going through now, be strong!

I quote: "Whatever choices, friend or foes made, good or bad, never regret them because in one way or another, they made you who you are today and never will I give up on them."

 

[ayaya]

Hi meimei,

From all your description,the one thing i could think of is he has fell in love with someone else

 

[meimei1601]

ayaya,

No, its not, in fact.. many had said, for his appearance, no one will fall in love with him.. lol.. His mum said and swear to me he did not. And before his sudden change, he had no time for another at all. He works 7days week and his action is work and home, he is those kind of man who will keep reporting his whereabout, which I didnt request him to.

 

[sunboi80]

Hi Meimei

I don't wish to pour cold water but i think once he said that, the r/s is over. I also broke up with my ex after 7yrs of courtship and ROMed.
it just suddenly happened, during our wedding preparation (banquet booked, date chosen, house bought, reno done...) one day she just old me she don't love me anymore. I've tried almost everything but i guess once the love is gone, it's gone. (later i realised she found someone she felt was more suitable for her)
it's really a bitter pill to take now, but i guess we just have to moved on.

Now i am happily re-married to someone who deserved my love more...

regards

 

[meimei1601]

Thank you sunboi80,

Yes I agreed with you, its sad to know that one who said take care of me, love me.. can change so fast. Its faster than turning a page of a book. And I also must agree with you that once he said it means nothing can turn back his decision.

For what we had and what i have done is pointless to him. And when I am here trying to make him realise how much happy moment we have together seem so irritating and disturb to him. The hurt and pain he had caused will never be forgotten. And I hope his childish action end here like our marriage and hope he hurt no more.

If he just want to make his title as "married before" than I had helped him achieved that and I hope he can forever stay that way till he learn how to love someone. I believe love is not about just being happy himself. Love is about sacrificing, hardwork, communicate and alot more. I chose to love this man and so if he is happy that way.. than be it. I just hope he can stop hurting his family and some other girls out there and the girl's family as well.

Thanks