How to have a better relationship with partners

[pinkfairy08]

Hi all,

Need your humble opinions on wha I am going through and how it can be better. Both me and my boyfriend has been together for about a year and we have plans to settle down. We are both quit similar in our chaacters where both of us can he headstrong and sensitive to comments made by people (e.g. talking too straightforward when not meant harm others. We hav sit down to discuss on this issue many times and I mysef try to compromise him and explain to him sometimes words can hurt emotions mean otherwise and can alo strain relationship. All this while he is aware. He is a person with few words unless is talk "fei hua" with parents, friends or me.

However, I realise he get oked up easily over small matters like when I am unhappy the way he talk, i try to let him then he starts to get sensitive and begin to use hurtful words tme such as,"you see lor you see lor, "if you like it then suit you", "you always say i no good etc" when I didnot ve provoke him only sometimes when PMS or sometin bad happen, I show black face or talk lesser.

Up tll now, I think he fails to undestand he has poor social skills and do not know how to say things to comfort people when in such conflits situation. This is making me tired and I am trying to heck and bo chap. When he angry, he lost his sense and start to use all this words and say I do not respect him and do not let him talk, which I did after I explain to him how i feel and why we conficts over such small matter. As I am the more vocal one, it seems he alwys push the blame that faults lie in me. When I explain to him if he feel there is any bad points I need to change he should tell me but he just quiet.

And worst when we like conflicts, I told him I quiet and le him cooldown, instead of thnking and reflecting. he will say me "suit you" since you no cool down I will not talk and mention to me dont threaten him etc.

How do I deal with this situation. does ignoring helps?

 

[miloice]

You guys cannot even communicate with each other, why the plan for marriage?
"How do I deal with this situation. does ignoring helps?"

This sounds like TROUBLE.

 

[lonely_desire78]

Hi Pinkie,

Its difficult to change a person. In fact, if I can advise you, don't bother changing him. Some things are inherent in a person, such as the thing you mentioned about the way he talks. One saying goes:
"Man marries woman hoping she doesn't change, but she changes after marriage. Woman marries man hoping he changes, but he doesn't after marriage."

I also must share that there are such people who speak their mind (literally) and don't quite mean what they say. Take for instance, the army boys who use plenty of vulgarities, yet they may not mean anything. On the other hand, there is the typical Chinese boss who threatens his employee with pay cut and means what he says.

Fact is, there are many people who thinks in various ways. There is no fixed right way of how people conduct themselves and behave. That's the challenging part about loving someone, which is to be able to accept and love the other for what he is. Bear in mind that you can only do that much to ask for change. End of the day, do you want him to put up a front to say he will change, when you know he cant? Or would you prefer a more upfront answer which is don't bother changing him?

What you feel is poor social skills may not be what he thinks. He has every right to agree to disagree, so do you. Rather than trying to impose the "required change" on him, would it not be better to ask if there can be a compromise? He obviously cant change from head to toe, but surely he can act with restrain in the way he speak and "evolve" (rather than change) over time. And you can perhaps try to overlook some of these behavioural traits.

In love and relationships, there are no right or wrong answers. The journey is not to fight to be justified. Its neither a mission to show the other that you got the best or right answer. Its more like a rag sack race. Both parties in the sack and trying to jump in the same rhythm. In a sack race, you obviously don't dictate to the other partner how fast he jumps and the technique he should use. Its a partnership of both parties trying to accommodate and match each other's pace. Isn't it the same as a relationship?

You can be right in what you think, but its not just about you. Its about the two of you together, which the difficult part. Both will bring your own values and beliefs. Fighting is somehow unavoidable, but it should not cause the two of you to drift or distance from each other.

If I can put all of the above together, its about finding a rough fit, rather than a precise one.

 

[verysadguy]

All I can tell you is do not marry. You would end up divorcing like me. In marriage, communication is very important. If one keeps on interpreting things in a bad way even though you meant to be good, it would be very difficult to carry on the relationship. Trust me. Have a break and think through it.

 

[faithmiffy]

I hv a similar rs and im getting married . After dating 7 yrs. . We finally found ways to compromise and now he is a total change man who knows how to love me the way I wanted and I become a woman he wanted. managing a rs is nv easy. . Some people are nv born to be married... some are... most importantly there must be love respect and willingness to give. All the best to u !