How to handle?

H

heartbreakman

New Member
lately, i found out tt my wife is saying mushy words 2 another guy whom she met while clubbing. "i miss you", "can't wait to see you again", "you made my life more lively" etc. she has also been hiding things abt tt guy fr me which i eventually found out but did not question her. Am i being too sensitive in the words tt she said 2 e guy n am i being too probing tt made her wan 2 keep secrets fr me? til today, i did not confront her cuz im afraid tt i will be doing 4 e wrong reasons. can anyone help?
 


heartbreakman, firstly how did u find out abt these matter?

I tink u should have a heart-to-heart talk with her. If not, distrust would grow within, r/s will sour in the long run.
 
wrong as i may be, but i saw her smses. yes i may have invaded her privacy, but its done as i have sensed something amiss. And it was the only time i did it since we got married. is she mis-using the trust tt i have for her to get trills from other guys? am i not fulfilling her life such tt she has to source it from somewhere?
 
How long have both of u been married?
Frankly speaking, if my partner were to check my sms, I would be mad too.

Whether as a husband fulfilling her life or not, u have to tink it n assess wat went wrong. i believe both parties play a part, not juz a one-sided blame game.
 
Only people who are cheating on their spouse would be mad if their spouse read their SMS. If not, why be so angry? Yes, it is an invasion of privacy but what is the bid deal unless hiding something?
 
If one checks on his/her spouse's hp, there is no cheating, his/her spouse will nt know tat someone is checking on him/her.

On the other hand, if one checks on his/her spouse's hp, there is cheating involve, sure will confront his/her spouse ma. Tats where anger, blah blah blah comes in

If nt which fool would admit to his/her spouse they check on the hp for fun?
 
as much as you hate the hp being checked, it happens to married couple, sometimes you cannot claim privacy invaded, after all marriage is about privacy shared...and in this case, hanky panky is suspected....and affairs get started isn't always about being poorly treated by the other party, some folks are just itchy.....
 
sometimes i check my husband's phone .. ok, a part of it is me being curious la (i admit) but for the most bit, it's because he's expecting work calls/smses but he can't come to the phone so i check first and tell him .. so far he's not told me off so i take it that he's ok with it .. yah, only when you have something to hide, then you would be upset if your SO checks your phone.
 
in my opinion, checking of your partners mobiles for the purpose of keeping tabs or "just checking", is definitely wrong. and honestly, using the logic that "whats the big deal if you got nothing to hide" is plain childish. so, if you have no use for the money in your bank account now, can i take it for my own use?

seriously, it doesnt mean that partners have to tell partners EVERYTHING just because its asked of them. whatever happened to trust in a r/s? of course, in the original post, obviously something is amiss which aroused OP's suspicions. there is a genuine cause behind his actions. but, if you are just snooping around poking your nose just to keep tabs on your partner because of your own insecurity and not because your partner is giving you cause for suspicion, then its plain disrespectful.

heartbreakman, i think its fairly certain there might be more than meets the eye to your wife's smses. you should have a talk with your wife on your concerns. assuming your wife is just developing an emotional attachment at this stage, if your wife is willing enough, the situation can still have an about-turn.
 
i tried talking but was gunned down as saying im too sensitive. told me she knows her w she is doing n im overreacting. however is these kind of things tolerable?
 
just to tell you that ..

she went to a club before she is married to you ..

she still went to a club after she is married to you ..

so ....

you shld be use to the way she projects ..


agree/disagree ?
 
I agree we shouldn't check our spouses mobile. but let say, if your spouse hand itch and touch your phone.. don't have to be too upset and create a big hooha.. just tell him/her that you wish your privacy respected.. that is all
 
just tell her she may think she knows what she is doing but the problem here is that you don't know what she is doing....

ask her if she's ok if the situation is reversed, if she's ok ,then i guess you're out of luck...or in luck depending how you see it...lol
 
I do agree with lightningbolt.

Heartbreak, mayb u have to fill us a little more abt ur r/s with ur wife so tat we can help u more?
 
heart break man, are you able to handle the truth or do you want to remain blissfully ignorant?

Those messages you described are pretty potent.

If you want to salvage the marriage, give her a warning that you know what is going on and she should stop. No need to explain to her further. Then from then on, repair. Stop neglecting her. She needs attention and you're not giving her enough.

If you can handle the truth, hire a PI. Prepare for the worst roller coaster ride. And be warned, arm yourself with evidence. Do not let her know what you know or have. Do not surrender unnecessary information to her that she may arm herself for counter-attack. Always be and remain at the upperhand for, in the worst case scenario, the Women's Charter will bring you down even if it is not your fault.
 
heartbreakman, i dont think saying "i miss you" "cant wait to see you again" is something that is commonly exchanged between pure platonic friends, because those words are loaded and suggestive and if i do not want to send out the wrong signals, i wouldnt be muttering them to anyone. i, for one, have only said those words to the person i liked. i dont want to be too quick to judge, but thats just my 2c based on your perspective which im giving the benefit of doubt to.
 
heartbreak, I tink u really have to monitor the situation closely.
However, she will try to be careful now since u tried talking to her. (If she has anything to hide)
 
tk all 4 e diff opinions. i dont wish to judge jus wan find out the truth.. situation has gone to e worst. i wish to confront her with these again and prepare the lose the marriage. but it jus pains me 2 c tat she made the wrong move in life jus bcus of one moment of fun. tats y i am relunctant 2 let go.. i love her so much tat i do nt wish her 2 destroy her own life. i may not be the perfect guy, but i noe i can give her the security in a marriage. i wish to provide 4 her 4 life. but c-ing these things happening, I cant swallow the bitterness. anyway, tis is nt e first time she stray. during our courtship, it happened b4. so am wondering if she will ever change 4 e better.
 
see ... it happen before and nothing bad went .. so human nature is to commit again when skin itches.

but i feel it is still not so serious that it needs to have be a loss in marriage ..
 
A leopard cannot change its spots.

Of course, I'm over generalising. Not to give you hope but there are genuine cases when something tragic happens, a person can change.

Seriously, you're better off with someone else. She is not worth pursuing.

Can you imagine life with her? Always suspecting what she does outside.

She is not finding happiness with you, why insist?
 
heartbreakman, if what your saying is true, then you need to take stock and reassess your situation.

Personally, I view marriage as a lifetime commitment. Heartbreakman, there must be overwhelming positives in your wife that resulted in you marrying her despite knowing that she has cheated before. Im not telling you to stay at all costs, but you need to give a lot of thought. Some people are serial cheaters who love the thrill of seeking something fresh. But there are also some who may have been momentarily weak to temptation due to maybe their going through a rough patch in their current rs etc. Im not condoning cheating, but there are always push and pull factors at work here. This is not the time to play the blame game, but rather to see what have gone wrong in the rs and whether there is enough love and commitment to repair the damage.
 
i suppose it is done out of folly. women and men both enjoy hearing endearments from time to time. if you didn't see the sms, would you have felt something was amiss?
best way is to communicate with her but dont ever mention the sms... it would break the r'ship.
 
I really dunno how to advice ...

i mean saying such words with no values is just like guys watching a female wearing mini skirt up the stairs ..

i jus wish the TS will think carefully about it .. to see if he values the marriage he holds ... as i feel it is changable .. or stands and views can be make more clearer at both side
 
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