How to gain his trust back?

[dulhaan]

I am facing a problem now with my FH. We've been really stressed over so many things lately, I've noticed that we've grown apart. I have school, and he's working, and by the time we get home, we'll be too tired to spend time with each other. Sometimes we try to make time during weekends, but when weekdays come, we rarely see or talk. This has left him feeling insecure. And he's thoughts have been running really wild. I did cheat on him once during the first few months of our relationship, but that was way back in the past. BUT, he has been reminding me of what I did, and we've been arguing about this matter everytime we get to talk. He thinks I'm still lying to him. We've already set a date for our marriage, but now, he's giving me 3 days to prove to him that I've been true to him OR ELSE, it'll be over. He also mentioned that he wants me to change ME. And he gave me a week to change.
I really wonder what else I should do. Isn't it enough that he's never caught me lying or cheating all these while? FH is the kind of person that can see through my lies, and all these while, he's never once even caught me lying, so to speak. I have been true to him, but now he says he doesn't trust me. He said he never did trust me. Ever since that cheating stint I had way back, I let him check my handphone everyday, I give him my passwords to everything, I even give him my ATM card so that he can check where my money goes to. And we're always with each other if we're not schooling/working.
I am afraid to lose him. But I don't know how else to prove to him within 3 days. And I have to change almost everything about me, coz it seems to me that he doesn't like everything. And I have to do it in a week. I'm very lost right now. I need help!

 

[green_tranquility]

This seems to be an unhealthy relationship. He's unable to get over your past and using your past to emotionally blackmail you to listen to his commands.

 

[mayimayi]

he should love you for who you are and not want to change you to who he want...

imo... if he cannot trust you now, i doubt he can ever trust you again unless he overcome his own insecurities...

 

[applepie2]

Belle :

It may be more important to see a counsellor to work on the past or trust issue, rather than prove to him how true u r in 3 days...

If he dun trust u all along...how are you able to build his trust in just 3 days ? Trust takes time to build...

Take care.

 

[powder]

why dun u wear a chastity belt and give him the only set of keys... and also send him an mms every 10mins so that he feels secure? of cos he'll have to pick up the tab. dun think u need 3day, u'll only need 3hrs upon reading my post. if u can't get a chastity belt online, try fabricating it at one of the industrial parks...

or u could say 3 wonderful words to him... "let's break up"

u'll be happier, he'll be happier, makes more logical sense to stay happily apart than unhappily in marriage doesn't it?

 

[powder]

ps : u can't gain the trust of a person who doesn't understand the meaning, can u?

 

[powderful07]

Belle...

Based on what you have said...why are you even hanging on to the thoughts of being with this guy? The relationship that you have now is totally unhealthy!!!!

Don't you find it sad to be in a relationship where there's NO TRUST?
Don't you realise that it's NOT YOU who needs to change...it's HIM!

Ditch him...he's not worth it if he continues to be this insecure immature guy...

 

[dulhaan]

Thanks all. Recently, he's been really hostile and vulgar towards me. He was never like this before. I feel as though he is just trying to find reasons to leave me. But he says he's just too stressed. I cherish this relationship, but I'm already thinking of leaving. I hope he'll realise his mistakes soon. I'll be going overseas for a year to continue my studies next week, and I'm afraid things won't get any better. I'm now thinking twice of leaving SG, but I'm also scared that he may not be worth staying for.
I want to know how to make him feel secured with me. I've done almost everything, but he says he doesn't feel my love for him. We always go to bed after a heated argument. He's only fine in the day, but once he gets back in the evening, he becomes really hot-headed,shouting at me coz of every little thing and finally argue. And everytime we have a tiff, he ignores and I have to do all the comforting. I keep giving in, because many people told me not to add fuel to the fire. They said I have to be the water. But I think I've been water for far too long. Do I stay and try like hell to repair this relationship, or do I just move on?

 

[sillywoman]

It needs both hands to clap so even if u do all the things he wants u to do nothing will change! How long hve u been trying to assure him? If it doesnt work it will never work! He is not willing to let go of the past & move on then there is nothing u can do!

I suggest u go ahead with ur studies & leave him alone to think abt it! Dnt knw abt u but if i were u i b so sick & tired of trying to assure him!

All the best & gd luck!

 

[powder]

i see a re-enactment of drama and drama-like storyline...

One thing - remember that u dun really have an audience to your life, everyone are stars in their own stories, so do things for yourself and dun be too dramatic.

 

[alfalfa]

i have had a r/s whereby i had to reassure a guy many times n he chose to leave me in the end. i was blind then but boy am i gald he left me, coz it's better to have someone who love u for what u are.

so, be fair to yourself and think properly whether he is worth it or not. learn to love yourself more...

 

[kickapoo]

Once you cheated on someone is it very hard for him/her to trust you anymore. He can forgive but he can never forget.

 

[powder]

Once u cannot trust someone anymore u should not be with them.

 

[kickapoo]

I totally agree with you, poweder .

 

[ninku10]

Once bitten, twice shy. This applies to every human being. You can do a hundred other nice things,but all it takes is one mistake to erase all those hundred nice things you had done.

But i see no hope in this relationship. Have you ever ask him what specific things he find in you that irk him? Has he ever told you face to face what changes he wants from you?

You two seems to be avoiding some topics from what i have read in your post.

 

[sgbabydoll]

At this rate that you are going, you may have to die to prove your love and loyalty to your bf!

When I found out that an ex-bf of mine had other women, I chose to let him go despite his disagreement. He couldn't comprehend why I did not kick up a storm and even forgave him but not give him another chance. Well, I just couldn't foresee myself having to deal with this drama for the rest of my life. True enough, he kept bringing this up even as we remain friends, that I was heartless, etc.

 

[its_fate]

May I know how old are U?? I'm not implicating age and mentality into this issue. Juz wondering how long U can still live to substain this relationship....

Why cling onto a "float" that will drown U? Take a step backward and look at this stituation youself.

1. Are you willing to "die" for this relationship?
2. Are you willing to be "jailed" for this relationship?
3. Are you willing to go "broke" for this relationship?

If the answer is NO for the above, it's time U move on... Don't spend $26 to dig yourself a grave

 

[sgbabydoll]

"I want to know how to make him feel secured with me"

No one can be with us 24/7. Our security has to come from within ourselves.

 

[miloice]

Both of you need to get past history. Don't let him use your guilt to make you submit like this.

And he needs to grow up and let it past. Else, it will only consume whatever feelings u guys have.

 

[dulhaan]

I'm 24, and he's 26. We've been together since I was 18. And I cheated on him when I was 19. It's been years, and he's still not over it.I didn't mention one piece of info though.I don't think it's necessary coz I've gotten over it.But,yea,he did cheat on me thrice the same year I did.AND I forgave him,and also forgot.I don't see a point bringing up the past if it affects our future.Tmr is the day to prove to him,and I have nth.I guess it'll all be over tmr.=(

 

[powder]

this whole affair sounds like the GCE-O'Levels...

u trying to pass his test, he trying to pass yours... and then u guys compare results and see which JC u can go to...

time to grow up. any marriage is likely to end in divorce or a miserable life... both ways, marriage has the worst possible odds for u guys...

by all means take the gamble. all the best.

 

[powder]

did i mention that IF u look deeper, u might find that the both of u are just staying together becos of issues that has NOTHING to do with love nor wanting to share a life together... it's likely more to do with insecurity, habit and other things which u're likely to find outside of marriage. it's likely to be personal issues that makes u stay in the relationship... selfish personal reasons which u dun wanna face up to yet.

 

[sgbabydoll]

He is not over your cheating incident and you are not over the fact that he is not over it. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?

 

[its_fate]

"A" cheat on "B".. "B" cheat on "A".. Now "A" cheating herself that "B" will get over everything.. "B" cheating himself that he is able to change "A".. Very complicated with so many cheating in this relationship. Hiazzzzzzz..

Why can't U juz let it go.. 24 still young.. Your life juz started.. Why U wanna step into a self-dug grave??

"Recently, he's been really hostile and vulgar towards me. He was never like this before. I feel as though he is just trying to find reasons to leave me." If that's your feeling, why U still "Lum Diao Diao" Hokkien = Hug..

Have some self-esteem for youeself and leave him....

 

[sgbabydoll]

You're quite humourous, Iris haha

But I do feel sad for TS and bf. Relationship is NOT about suffering together. It's about being happy together, so that you can weather the storms that come your way from time to time.

 

[dulhaan]

I had a talk with him this evening..And I told him that if he decides to live in the past,then I'm moving forward,which means that I'll move on from this whole relationship thing.Thankfully we're not married yet..Maybe I fell in love too fast and too young..He says he can't let me go as much as he wants to,but I'm afraid that I've had enough of this game.I have decided to leave,and I hope that I made the right decision.I guess it'll take a long time for me to get over him,but I'd rather have a hubby who trusts me and loves me for who I am..
It seems to me though,that every guy seems to accept you for who you really are only in the beginning of the relationship.And then slowly,they think that this and that is not right with you,and that you have to change,blah3.Is love really like this? Haixx..

 

[powder]

look, u've been together since u were 18, and now u're 26... in between, i'm not sure how many guys were there to accept u, then want u to change when they're not in a relationship with u... (assuming u were not 2-3 timing...)

 

[dulhaan]

Haha.I'm talking from friends' experiences.I always hear these kinda thingy from others,and there are also such accounts here in this forum right?And, I'm 24. =)

 

[powder]

yeah it's a typo. 24, 6yrs since u were 18...

good, pls state it's from frens' experience that u decide on the statement. i saw no angle for u to have the experience to say that with much credibilty... and assuming your frens are your age with the kind of 18-24yrs-old relationships... i'd dismiss a whole lot of u as having immature relationships.

when 2 pple are together despite alot of differences telling them to be apart, the biggest gel-ing factor is Sex, and Insecurity.

ps: quoting this forum doesn't make it factual... there's many young ladies like yourself in 1-2 relationships who over-dramatically lament things which they are in no position to lament. it just takes 10 pple who think like u to make up a forum, and make a 'fact' out of a lament.

 

[dulhaan]

Well,yea,I do agree with you powder..But when people have similar situations,it seems true enough..It's like 30 people claiming they saw a dog on the sidewalk.Hey,all 30 of them saw it,so it must be true right?
Anyways,I have to agree with you on the gelling factor though.He's only himself during sex.Lol.And right after that,everything's back to the chaotic shouting and unnecessary anger.

 

[powder]

seeing a dog on the side walk is just seeing a dog with one's eyes...

u can tell if u see a guy, but u can't tell if u know a guy. using eyes and using heart is different, using emotions is different, opinions differ as well.

an asshole can see the dog and the dog is definitely there.

30 assholes saying that u are an asshole, does not make u an asshole.

your lame argument is precisely the reason why i dispute opinions of girls like yourself, i also dismiss and question your credibility.

no mature adult in their right mind would argue in such a lame manner and hope to get away with it. it's like how u can see a 3yr-old lie...

the sex part IS true, especially with your generation. the mismatches stay matched on the above 2 reasons... That's experience, and i dun need 29 pple to agree with me to be right in my judgment. i know i'm right becos i am... i dun need to tell u how many pple agree with me.

tat's just to show u why pple like me breakup without a thought and move on to better relationships... and pple like u stay stuck and even after breaking up, feel compelled to be sad despite knowing it's a bad match.

u won't miss him, u'll miss the things he tells u before he gets u to bed, and when he's in the midst of bedding u.

 

[dulhaan]

If that was arguing to you,then pardon me,but I wasn't.Was just giving my pov.Yes maybe we're young,but we ain't stupid.Just my two cents.
Breaking up without a thought?I doubt anybody does that,except maybe you,as you say so.I wonder why people get so worked up in this forum,and flames TS,trying to show who's mighty.
But yea,point is,I just needed some good and credible advices.=)

 

[powder]

good, now tat u're worked up - use that anger on being treated the way u were... by the guy u were WITH.

to be frank, i'm not the least bit worked up, but if u understand the principle behind 'performance arts', then u'd understand the principle behind my posts...

half the time i'm not really interested in speaking politically-correct stuff like how u get advice from the HR person on the Sunday Times on getting jobs. those advice DO NOT take into account the person they are advising... they just consider the academia & criterias and give an advice that's fit for print-media.

i'm not flaming u as much as u're flaming yourself with that display... and it absolutely doesn't matter who's mightier. is that what u think my posting to u at this time of the hour is abt?

trust me, when u've travelled as far in life... u'll be less inclined to need to prove silly little points to make yourself feel good. i certainly dun need to do that, else i'll be sucking up to u and every other person making lousy comments with poor judgment, and have all of u hee-hee ha-ha with me like some popularity contest.

dun bother arguing cos anything more than self-reflection on your relationship, is just a futile attempt to preserve the pride that u have otherwise tossed away whilst in the relationship with your guy.