How to deal with a super busybee?

R

rainbow123

New Member
Let's say you have a bf whom you love very much. But he is always sooooo busy with work and bogged down with so much tasks to do at work and to bring home to continue. He is so busy that you can only get to spend time with him once or twice, at most, per week. Other times when he knocks off from work early, he heads to the gym to recharge instead of seeing you.

And that is not all. His job requires him to be posted overseas for periods of time. In the x years you've been together, you have tolerated with him being posted to 1 country for 1 year and later on, to a 2nd country for 1 year. After his return, he still has some postings overseas for a period of 3 weeks to 1.5months. But in the meantime when he is in Singapore, you only get to see him over the weekends and usually he would be complaining endlessly about his work and how tired he is. Tired, tired, tired is a constant word you hear from him. And even over the weekends, he has to drink coffee to survive.

Whenever you wanna meet him on the weekdays for dinner or just to chat/for a hug, he will be working OT or he is too tired or he is heading to the gym to recharge. Needless to say, even though he goes to the gym so often, there is very little intimacy besides a quick hug/kiss as he is always too tired for anything. You think to yourself whether you have to go through this for the rest of your life with an almost dead partner whom you actually do love quite abit despite all these or should you just walk away from all the disappointment and unrealized expectations?
 


I was in a similar situation before. Hopefully I can give some useful suggestions.
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I was with my ex bf for 3 years. His work was very demanding. When he started, he would return home at 10pm every single day. It soon progressed to 11pm, 12am, then almost always past midnight. He would have work to do on weekends too. And yes, tired was also his catch phrase.

We almost only met from 2 to 10pm every Saturday because he likes to sleep in on Saturday and then sleep + work some more on Sunday. I couldn't remember him ever asking me out for dinner on a weekday. I was always the one to initiate and he always had to go back to work after dinner. Towards the end of our relationship, he would continue to sleep when he was with me while I watched him sleep/surf the net.

One day he finally asked me out on a weekday and broke up with me out of the blue. Turns out that he has been unhappy with our relationship for the last 1.5 years and one of the major reasons he stayed later and later at work was because he wanted to avoid me. I am not saying your bf definitely has the same tendencies but it is a possibility that is worth considering.

Although I was really upset when he left me,in retrospect, it was probably a blessing in disguise. We had very unequal expectations of our relationship and I found that me compromising all the time actually made me a very different person such that I wasn't myself anymore.

I suggest you should have a serious talk with your bf about it if it is making you so unhappy rather than waiting for an inevitable eventuality to explode in your face. And if you realize that the expectations can never be matched, it will probably be a better idea to move on. Just my 2 cents
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Hi Rainbow

Pardon me for being direct.

He's just not that into you.

To him, you are part of his world and expects you to be there whenever he wants you to. You have basically no say. I do not think he considers your feelings. It's all about him. He is self-centered and loves himself more than you. Do you see or feel happiness in this relationship? A relationship is about 2 persons respecting each other's feelings.

If I were you, I would choose freedom and say good-bye. I'd rather be happily single than miserably attached.

I believe you deserve better.

All the best!

Cheerz
 
hi ginasjm,

u r posting on rainbow123's perspective or rather, a typical girl who craves for 'a reasonable amt of attention' in her own books.
of course, who to say rainbow123 and jean do not have their rights to demand, as everyone has their expectations?

however, to mention that the bf is self-centered and "loves himself more than you", is really too one-sided lah.

how about u try to focus on the bf's point of view as well? he might has his own expectations as well - like a supportive gf who knows why he works this hard and do not bear a grudge against him for working his arse off.
 
err... I workout weekly 3 times in the gym and swim 4-5 times and often bring home work too. Not to mention, I will try to get at least 8 hrs of sleep to ensure proper recovery. This is needed to prevent overtraining.

Does that mean I'm not into my wife?? Its funny how one just come to conclusions based on these. As if marriage / relationship means the end of other aspects in life.
 
milo,

The TS meant was that her bf has no time for her.

For you, as long as you have time for your wife.. doesn't matter how many times you go gym or swim or bring work back..
 
I think the gym thing is just the tip of the iceberg. Not spending enough quality time is probably the key message. Expectations would have to be reconciled for this to work. Being in a relationship doesn't mean the end of the other aspects of life but certainly the amount of effort put in to make the relationship work has to be roughly equal. That is not tangible but I think being more interested to spend some extra time together at least once in a while helps.
 
Actually right now I have a GF who is also busy and tired.. no time for me as well.

But Ok lah, I make do with whatever time.. like picking her up and talking in the car or a drink or a quick meal..
 
"but certainly the amount of effort put in to make the relationship work has to be roughly equal"

I don't think the amount of effort put into a relationship can be roughly equal. Close to impossible. It is just the expectation that we need to set.
 
I think roughly was probably the wrong word to use. What I really meant to say was that there is a tipping point. Like on a balance, one side cannot be 500kg and the other side 1g right? Enough weight has to be on either side to keep the other side from crashing down. Sorry if that was a bad analogy.
 
I think it is rather dangerous to go into a relationship and start to weigh the amount of time/effort put in.

Both have to be comfortable with the time and the expectation.. and mostly one side would put in more than the other.. as long as they are happy with the arrangement .. and not putting in time/effort but complaining all the while.. and resenting the fact that the efforts put in is not reciprocated..
 
In fairness, I would like to add that actually he does ask me out for dinner on some weekdays. But this is only occasionally when he feels he has some energy left to meet me instead of going home to rest. He has mentioned before that our meetings are too long (I presume on weekdays) because I usually don't want to say goodbye so fast immediately after dinner.

Whenever I complain about this, he will say something like "What to do? I also hate this lifestyle but my work is so demanding." Then he'll say that he's working hard for our future. When he says that, I've got nothing to say already cos how can I fault him for that? On days when he's moody, he'll say he's got no time for "all these" and I'll have to go and deal with it myself cos he's got work early the next day.

It just feels that after all these years together, the sparks are really diminishing...
 
"He is so busy that you can only get to spend time with him once or twice, at most, per week."

for me, this is the key sentence.....
1 or 2 days per week might be his best, but obviously rainbow123 finds that it is insufficient.

other days such as gym sessions or needy sleeps - rainbow123 see it as an issue.
she'd rather he spends time with her, and well, there's no wrong on her part but herein, lacks a deep understanding.

I guess rainbow123 shouldn't lament about the overseas postings when she couldn't even cope with his daily lifestyle on home soil.
 
My yardstick for a relationship:

If the disappointment > than the happiness.. then may consider to quit.

for some people dissapointment can be 90% and happiness only 10% yet they drag on.

and disappointment can be dealt with by our expectation..

At the end of the day, if you are not happy in a relationship.. what is the point right?
 
sm,

sorry for not being clear. I was addressing more to AvocadoAddict's comments actually. To say he is self-centered over something rather inconclusive.

Back to the TS issues. To me, what's alarming for rainbow's situation are :-

on her bf's part : the lack of intimacy and commitment / keenness in the time together. We can be busy with work, family and other commitments, bring home work and have lots of hobbies. It doesn't mean we will not appreciate spending quality time with our partners.

on Rainbow's part : her need and expectation for her bf to forgo his other aspects including career, hobbies and sleep unrealistic.
 
sm,

"I don't think the amount of effort put into a relationship can be roughly equal. Close to impossible. It is just the expectation that we need to set."

agreed. We need to be flexible and reactive to the situations to achieve the practical balance. This balance doesn't equate to having relatively equal effort or time for each. It doesn't work this way. Actually, I believe relationships needs constant but small amount of maintenance. Consistency and quality is way important than quantity.
 
Hi Miloice and Vios

Pardon me for airing my perspective.

Yes you are absolutely right. I am viewing my opinion base on Rainbow's post. I think it is fair to say from what i feel from her info. "Other times when he knocks off from work early, he heads to the gym to recharge instead of seeing you."

If you read my post again, my whole sentence is to say, Rainbow is part of his world. When he wants to meet her, she's there for her. But it's not vice-versa from what i read. Kindly not quote and take it out of context.

Vios,
a typical girl who craves for 'a reasonable amt of attention' in her own books. I do not appreciate you labelling me as above. Pls respect the fact that I post my view as what i felt. But I, do not in any way deserve your categorization. Different people expect different kind of treatment from their partner. In Rainbow's case, i would not consider to carry longer cos he is not giving me what i want. Some people will have absolutely no issue with what Rainbow's bf is doing. In any case, there's no right or wrong. If you are happy in a relationship, continue. If not, get off.

I do not mean that having relationship is to forsake individual's life. Everyone has different demands and expectations on relationships. I appreciate the fact that my fiance is hardworking and career-focus for our mortgage and our future sake. Despite his stressful and busy schedule, he never fails to ensure me as his top priority. He still makes me dinner regularly and talk with me every night before we sleep. Though he is very tired, but that does not stop him from showing his love for me. I'll do all the housework to show my appreciation of his love. It's a 2 way traffic. We receive and we give.

Everyone has different expectations and opinions in a relationship. Sorry if my mention of self-centeredness offends any.
 
rainbow,

in my opinion, everybody needs to maintain individuality which sometimes requires detachment from a certain part of life, to do his or her own things... but of course, it is necessary to strike a balance between love and work when one is in a relationship ... so hv a gd talk wif ur bf abt this issue... and try to find a middle ground, the way to manage ur need to spend time together and time apart... and i think, for a relationship to work out fine, the ideal distance between couple should not be too distant or overly close...
 
rainbow123,

you may want to consider spending quality time to quantity time. No doubt girls will prefer attention but we do have our freedom as well. your life don't only consist of you and your bf. Try to spend time with your family or friends, it will take your mind off the minimum amount of time you had spent on your bf.
 
junkie,

If I could, I would like to have that good, meaningful talk which could hopefully resolve everything. But as I've mentioned, the reply from his side will just be, "What to do? I also hate this lifestyle but my work is so demanding." which of course, there's nothing for me to respond to so it's like case closed. Either that or his reply will be he's very tired and/or sleepy, "he's got no time for "all these" and I'll have to go and deal with it myself cos he's got work early the next day."

To add on to that, he doesn't see any problem cos he said he was just being himself. After 5+ years together when he and his colleagues are all getting engaged/married one by one, we are still arguing over the same old issues.

Milo and Avocado,

thanks for your feedback although I must say your contrasting perspectives have left me more confused. But I think since you 2 are married/engaged, it's not quite a fair basis for comparison since there is a difference between husband/wife and bf/gf you know...I don't see the other person every day like the way you all do.
 
rainbow123,

i walked your bfren's path 10yrs ago, we're very similar in this sense. eventually i brokeup and stopped dating totally... it is not fair to the girl, neither isit fair to someone who is very tediously trying to build a career and future... i settled for the fact that Timing was wrong.

u're right, u cannot argue with his reasoning... but then again, he is spending too little time with u to warrant u feeling loved and secure in the relationship. so actually this is a period where both of u will not get what u want, and the emphasis on the relationship is Very Low...

there's a saying of the woman behind the man... i guess it's representative of that. Just that do u wanna be this woman IF u know u could jolly-well be brushed aside the day that he finds the success he craves?

forward today 10yrs later, i'm glad i didn't allow any gfrens to go thru those periods with me. sure they'd be enjoying the fruits of my labour, but whether or not i'll be with them today - is another matter.

if u wanna be with him, the best thing u can do is to just treat it like a long-distance relationship... it's just difficult for u becos he is IN S'pore. but in reality, he's better off being in london.
 
hi AvocadoAddict,

its not about offending people in the forum. we are all here to share & exchange ideas. So, no issues really
happy.gif


As I explained, there are 2 sides to it.
The guy probably didn't show any interest to spend time with her.
While, she also need to check her expectations.

If we are to talk about self centeredness, one could also perceive rainbow's upset over his gym workouts as self-centered too.
 
rainbow,

well, he's not WRONG when he said "he's just being himself" ... and the way i look at it, more like a shift in priorities on his part, which doesn't seem major to him... but to u! and u can choose not to take it! and do remember that u're in a relationship with this person u like becos u wanna know him better, to see if he is RIGHT for u... doesn't mean u spent 5yrs wif him, u'll hv to stick wif him for the rest of ur life. u can choose, u know?
 
hi Rainbow,

IMHO, your unhappiness are misplaced.
You could be upset over a man than doesn't be bothered or concern about the relationship. That would be different from getting upset with his career commitments or need to have other aspects like sports and hobbies.

I suggest that you talk this out with him. Maybe, what you are missing is the quality time rather than quantity? When someone says he has no time, u have to differentiate between if its a lack of time-management or lack of priority. Its a significant difference.

If lack of priority, then its like what AvacadoAddict is talking about.
 
It's sometimes difficult for us to understand the position of a bz man (esp so when we are not as bz) and often misunderstand that he "chose" not to spend time with us.

Often times, he just needed the time n space for himself.. He has already worked so hard, so he prob wants some time to unwind..

You have gotta learn to accept this fact cuz there's nothing much u can do about it. It is his life and he has all the right to live it the way that he likes/wants. But if it is really making you miserable cuz you cannot accept it that he's not "making more effort" to spend more time with you, then perhaps you should consider to take some time off..
 
Rainbow,

From experience, 'good, meaningful talks' are almost impossible to expect from a man who seems to be avoiding confronting the situation head on. There may never be a solution to your problem. It can be either accept and forever hold your peace or move on. If I were you, I would opt for a confrontation. I am not saying you go in with guns blazing but ask questions like 'so where do you think this is going?' or 'do you see us getting married in x years'. The caution is that you have to accept whatever answer he gives you even if it is not the answer you want. I think if he admits that he can never give you the kind of quality time you need and that your expectations of each other are thoroughly mismatched, you will be doing yourself a favor by moving on.
 
Jean,

we've had those kinda talks before. He doesn't like to give a specific time when we'll get married. He usually says when we're financially stable and he has saved up enough. Plus...he doesn't like me always asking him when we're getting married. He even told his boss that I was pressuring him to get married! !@#$%
So I try to steer clear of that marriage issue now. I don't want to make it seem like I'm some desperado dying for him to marry me quick.
 
Rainbow,

Perhaps then you also need to ask yourself if you can live with this little attention for prolonged periods of time. It is possible that marriage is just a faraway thought in his mind and that he has no idea how to get from point A to point B because he hasn't really thought about it. I made my ex promise me he will think after a very long and torturous discussion and he returned admitting that although he mentioned that marriage was a long term goal, he never gave it serious thought and thinking through our relationship, he concluded that he wanted to be alone at this crucial time in his career. I personally think there is a very stark distinction between being despo to get married and getting your other half to think about it because not thinking about it thoroughly enough and giving promises that go nowhere is just irresponsible behaviour.
 
Actually, if a relationship goes to a point that one needs to confront to communicate, why hold on anymore?
 
Ginasjm,

u do not appreciate me ‘labelling’ you as ‘a typical girl who craves for a reasonable amt of attention in her own books.’ In the first place, is that even ‘labelling’?
read the word ‘reasonable’ again in that sentence and u tell me that I do not respect u? I'm baffled.

In any case, ‘reasonable’ over there means ‘realistic and practical’ and are based on the circumstances.
Speaking of which, this part happens to be rather unfamiliar to some - attainables vs unattainables

Coming back to your first post, I’ve read again and it still does not stop short of telling me that the guy is to be wholly faulted for rainbow123’s current emotions.
Mainly because he heads to the gym after work on other days?
If the gf needs more than 2 times/week (as she deems it as ‘reasonable’), I don’t find that it is helpful to pinpoint the blame on the bf and his schedule.
Shouldn’t that sort of expectation be first aligned with the other party’s current lifestyle? - Achievable? Requires deeper understanding??

To add on to my first post, ur reply to rainbow123 is typically your mode of problem-solving in practical terms – ‘Blame first, Think later’.
and btw, most of us understand that life’s not just about work and relationships……
 
sounds like someone just picked up and completed reading that book.

but on a more Logical note... where does marriage come in for this relationship? what's the purpose?
 
Rainbow, everyone has their individual expectations and perspectives in a r/s. Your Bf's might be thinking that he is doting on you by providing a better life for you and thus, he is working hard for your future now. However, you have him as the top priority and thus, you feel neglected. You might want to sit him down and tell him how you feel actually, and see if there is any way for compromises? My hubby used to work for 7 days a week and going gyms when he is free to wind up as well.. But after some discussions, he cut down on his gym sessions or hours to spend more time with me. Any possibilities that you might be able attend the gym lessons with your bf? I mean different stations of excerise but at least a similiar hobby to talk abt as well?
 
Well, I guess if we can't iron out this issue then we shouldn't even be thinking of marriage. My friend told me yesterday that I keep telling her about the same issue over and over again. And like what some of you mentioned, she said I should either accept it as part of him in the long term or leave if I can't.

I guess it's quite hard to make a clear cut decision cos despite his flaws, he's got many good points too.
 
You had been with him for 5+ years and you cannot accept it now? Can you accept it in future?

When i first started with my fiance, he was studying part time masters. He also like to sleep during weekends until 2+pm and i will travel to his place to meet him. During exam period, he will have to stay at home and his mum don't even like us meeting up until after exams. That means, during that period, we don't even have "2 hours a week" to spend.

At the mean time, he will have to travel overseas for business trips which often falls one occassions like Xmas, NYE, Valentine's day and my birthday. We do counting down online for such occassions and sometimes, when i am too tired, i will just sleep early instead of waiting for him.

Now, he had left that company. He had also completed his masters, we will only meet during weekends. As for weekdays, we met occassionally when we can afford the time to meet.

Sometimes during weekends, he will have to attend drinking sessions/weddings/gatherings which sometimes, i will not follow. While sometimes i will have my clubbing/wedding/gathering which he will not follow as well. We have our freedom and our life. Instead of spending "quantity time", we are satisfied with any amount of time we are able to spend with each other.

"Well, I guess if we can't iron out this issue then we shouldn't even be thinking of marriage."

You mention that if you cant iron out this issue, you shouldnt be thinking of marriage. Have to thought about, if you cant iron out this issue, should you still be together?
 
Rainbow,
u wrote : "I guess it's quite hard to make a clear cut decision cos despite his flaws, he's got many good points too."

The entire mentality that one should only terminate a relationship when the other party needs to be completely rotten before you can make a break is a flawed one.

The entire dating is really a trying and growing phase where people discovers what they really need and want in their future. Its a walk to discover and find the suitable mate.

If you are looking for a long lasting relationship in view of marriage, then you ought to be aligning your goals.
 
Rainbow, try to look at his good points and ask yourself why did you fall in love in the 1st place, but as it takes time to readjust your own expectations, you might want to take it slow for marriage, marriage is a life-long commitment.
 
who? Me?

Whether you have regard for that someone who can't handle a job and a relationship at the same time is really immaterial...

We are not talking about you, remember..

I still find it is a balancing act.. during the many stages of our career and relationship - there will be rough patches - like when we were busy building our career - the relationship will naturally take a little back-seat - this is when understanding is required or in extreme cases - not to have a relationship.

Then there are periods in which our career has stablized and we can probably enjoy the fruits of our labour. The line sometimes can be blur.. still to me.. in a relationship .. if the pain more than the happiness, time to quit.. as it is not always possible to balance everything in life..

If you ask someone building his career, what is the most important thing now.. it is not going to be his girl friend... and he won't give up his career for his girl friend.

But if you ask the same man on his death bed (while suffering from some disease) - what is the most important - he will not tell you it is his job or his career - but his gf (other than family) beside him..

the examples I used are just extremes.. for most of us.. it is probably somewhere in between..
 
Timing is crucial lah... this one no need to say one. only a dumb-ass person won't consider timing... whether it's investment, purchases, relationships - Timing makes a HUGE difference.

let's just say tat if the girl is dating Jay Chou - she will quietly wait for him to be free, or leave. there's no hanging around and making alot of complaints... in the first place he won't even be there to listen to your complaints.
look at andy lau, look at jacky cheung... NOW look at their gfrens/wives...

end of the day wat is your cup of tea? the kind of guy u choose, the kind of successful guy u want, the kind of character which also links to the industry he chooses, etc etc... ALL these have to be considered.

logically u can't pick a 25yr-old, and Expect to have a more lavish lifestyle and romantic getaways whilst he still has tonnes of time for u. he'll prob be more at work, than with u... unless he's filming F4(S'pore edition) with u.

likewise, a guy who has tonnes of time for u, might not be very driven in the career-aspect, which might mean a more humble lifestyle.
 
nobody can wait That long unless they develop their Own Life as an Individual... so that is the Key to wat i'm saying...

i know alot of pple see a couple as One unit, One item... but with some pple, it's very hard to function as a couple. it only works if both are equally uncommitted to other aspects of life... but if bother have passion in money, charity, animals or more urgent causes - it's not gonna be very easy, but definitely sustainable if the more neglected partner finds a cause of his/her own.
 
That's why I believe we function more as an individual than as a couple in relationship. It doesn't mean two independent individuals love each other less by spending less time to do things together.
 
Yep provided if both are on the same line of thoughts. Otherwise, it would be mismatched and expectations will always be crying out loud as of the case we seen here. Either you know that this is the person you want to stay with, or unable to hold out with. You don't go to macdonalds and ask for chicken rice
happy.gif
 
Agree with HBH that both must be on the same wavelength in order to stay happy tog.

There should not be any right or wrong answer whether a couple should be more individual or couple-ly. It's more about the good match and/or acceptance of the 2 personalties.

But an individual should not be so dependent on the partner such that there is no life without the other party.
 
sm, my opinion may or may not matter but it is not immaterial, if by that you meant irrelevant. TS is wondering if she should walk away, do i need to connect the dots for you?
 


wahahaha this is really hilarious:

"logically u can't pick a 25yr-old, and Expect to have a more lavish lifestyle and romantic getaways whilst he still has tonnes of time for u. he'll prob be more at work, than with u... unless he's filming F4(S'pore edition) with u."
 
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