How should i encourage him

[maerceci]

My SO just had a career change. It's a tough job. Initially when he told me about this, I forsee that he will have a hard time to adapt. Thinking that since he have the intention to give it a try, i should be supportive.

So now, things turn out to be tougher than he expected. Since last week, he have been very stressed and feeling depressed about his work. I hope he won't give up so soon since he is only 2 months in the job. I have been trying to encourage him to try harder and telling him that he is still learning. Telling him positive stuffs every time he feels discouraged.

I cant help being affected by him emotionally too. Some times i feel lost and unable to help when i see him feeling depressed. Whether should i continue to support him or should i give him a wake up call to give up.
Need a place to let this out..

 

[shiilng]

Hi, care to share which line is he in?

if he is in the sales line, he will need alot of support. currently i am in the sales line too. my hubby give me a year to try out. if i dont make it, i will get out from there.

maybe you should give him some more time unless there are factors that you need to consider like financially.

 

[tomasulu]

sometimes the best thing to do is to be supportive without attempting to influence his decision.

 

[powder]

Ray,

pls dun be a typical woman all ready to offer support and cuddle him n tell him all gonna be alright.

u will end up with a bfren who gives up easily, and your kids will end up with a father who can't give them the finer wisdom of life.

u see those mothers who are quick to sayang their kids? pls dun be the same... u have a different role to play and Unless u know what a successful role is comprised of, u are not really in position to tell him when to give up, and when to push on. either way, u are simply putting yourself in a position to be blamed.

my mum has been on standby to sayang me when i fall, she is my mum, she is a successful mother. But she is Not successful at all when it comes to what our generation of pple seek in work & life. so i should not heed any of her advice on work... Similarly, u should just offer quiet support and leave the decisions to him. it is his struggle and his battle... Dun Deprive him of that learning curve. u may end up destroying a husband who has good qualities by not allowing those qualities to develop.

if u feel lost, that's actually Your problem. dun burden him with them, dun feel that u need to share his work problems... becos this path is entirely his... u have nothing to do with it and no part to play. this Is Not a business which he started... he is An Empoyee...

dun entertain thoughts of being a supportive gfren more than u should.

 

[moistfaucet]

Ray,

you can give options, but not advise.

 

[maerceci]

Thanks for the advices.
Met up with him last week. I can tell he is struggling hard. His usual smile is no longer there and he seems like he have lost all motivation and confidence. It breaks my heart.

powder, you have address what i am concern about too. I was wondering if i am being over-supportive and too eager to help. I also wonder will my actions and words affect him and deprive him to learn and experience life. I always let him make the decision. But I always listen to him talking about the problems he encounter and giving him suggestions. Cuddle him when he feels down. Meet him and always cheer him up.

Haiz.. To stand aside and watch him is not easy. I dont know what should i do now.

 

[powder]

as parents, we have to stand aside and watch our children fall n learn to walk... some things in life is Not for u to prevent, and the consequences of Preventing can be more dire than simply letting them fall the first few times.

we cannot be there all the time, else how do we live our own life?

like our buddies, frens n siblings... we let them live their own life and build up their own experiences... we cannot be good in everything and shield them from the world or falls. More so if u're talking abt a guy...

it's natural to protect the princess, as it is natural for the guy to slay dragons... this is something that hasn't changed for centuries, except maybe - there's no more dragons, and women dun really stay home looking pretty and getting served 24/7.

Life has evolved, Spore has evolved, Education has evolved, Work-Career building has evolved... but one thing remains - we need to be equipped with the necessary skills to tackle obstacles, overcome adversary, so as live life to the fullest by making decisions that ONLY we can cater to ourselves...

u cannot make any decisions for him altho u can give him your input. i cannot make that either... and he is unlikely to be able to make decisions for u either... we're not talking abt XinWang or ThaiExpress for lunch. mundane decisions are made of INCONSEQUENTIAL choices... (unless u had indian rojak in geyland serai). but these choise which u wish to help - they affect his life - with or without u.

your helplessness is natural... simply becos u are in no position to help, unless u're some CEO and wanna groom him. even babies need to fall sick in order to build their body's defenses...

the cuddles n listening ear is more than enough, and is the best u can give him. that's what relationships are abt...

 

[maerceci]

shiling, my initial tot was to observe him for a year and evaluate whether this career suits him. However, during the 1st 2 mths, he is not performing and hence he feel stressed and discouraged. His team leader also giving him pressure.

Probably like wat powder said, this is one of the challenges he must go through. And i am in no position to pull him out.

 

[simpleman]

Didn't know nowadays, women are into much into men?

Even their career also want to interfere?

there is really nothing you can do.. other than to lend a listening ear and give him whatever support.

Even my daughter career aspirations.. I told her to follow her heart.. try something and fail .. it is ok.. I can't be telling her what is best for her although I can provide analysis based on what she is good in..

Or like when she is deciding between JC and Poly. I don't make decision for her. I let her make the decision. I don't even try to influence her one over the other. I told her if she make a mistake, it will mean a waste of 1 or 2 years and she can always start all over again. But if I decide for her, she may never know how to fall and pick up the pieces.

 

[miloice]

Are you his boss? The evaluation should be done by him and not you.

 

[powder]

yup... also, u have to note - Pressure

pressure sounds like a bad thing, but i can tell u it's one of the best things to face... and it can nurture qualities that makes a person worth Alot. like for myself, it is actually my ability to face pressure & execute the right decisions in minute/hours that makes me paid more than most pple. of cos when started off, u wouldn't know, and my gfren would be sad for me to see me constantly stressed... but after a decade of doing what i do - i realise it somehow pays off.

actually not just young men, but young generation of pple - must give themselves time to adapt to the environment, especially at work. it is no longer abt sitting behind a desk and carrying out work... it is also abt making decisions, timeline, dateline, quotas etc etc. How do we shield pple from what's needed to survive, if we dun let them learn to survive at the early stages?

any wonder why younger generations are demanding for solutions and not actually finding their own? just look at the forum pages daily on the HDBs...

pple just dun know how to solve problems nowadays...

 

[miloice]

agree, pressure can be a good driving force.

 

[moistfaucet]

Live the life you want to live. be the person you want to remember. make descisions, make mistakes. if you fail at least you try. no shame about it.

most local is not ambitions, always look for something stable.

Drunk every day
forgetfull i am in the dark day
storm comes and go
try to escape in the bad day
act stupid and carefree but who care

wild mind while wine kick
never understand what life is
happiness that i seek
get the life the sickening me

forseen the future
and act like a god
know everything but fail to comply

what life for if sad all the time
happiness is all i seek
no money no name but who cares

Alex Faucet, 2010

 

[maerceci]

I think milo and sm have highlight something i did not notice. I have been reminding myself but some how i fail to see it this time. I am being too focus on him and things happening around him.

It's a warning sign. It's time for some self-reflection. Stop thinking that my life revolve around him only.

 

[powder]

good one! yes u should... dun revolve around him... seriously.

the problem with some gfrens - is that their maternity instincts kick in with their bfrens... it's nice when the guy is young, once older - he'll wonder why he has 2 mothers and he'll ditch the one who isn't mother by blood. and he'll find other girls MORE appealing...

unfortunately some of these guys marry the girls out of obligation.

 

[maerceci]

Hahaha probably it is like u say, it's our instinct. I really need to put in extra effort to check on myself once in awhile. I know how dangerous to be so into another person and lost own direction in life.

I feel a lot better now. =) Have been keeping these to myself for some time.