Having a crush on bf's good friend

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yellowsubmarine

New Member
I need some advice on how to get over a crush. I've known L, my bf's good friend for a few years. But it's only recently that I developed a crush on him. Of course I didn't act on it and I know for sure I won't cheat on my bf. Plus that guy has a gf anyway. But his good friend and I work together and I think about him often and it's bugging me.

I just need to know how to get over a crush, esp if you see that person often.
 


You've gotta put some distance between you and the other guy. That means stop working with him right away.

There's no other way, unfortunately.
 
U don't need to take any other action. Be ur normal self and treat him as platonic friend. When u know him well enough, he will show u his true self. When u see all his bad points, example like bad habits or bad temper or male chauvinist attitude, the crush/illusion that u have about him will go away by itself.
 
hi yellow,

since u know him for a few gd yrs and only developed feelings for him recently, my guess is u've oredi known him well enuff to hv a crush on him... yeah, he's gd but r u able to keep that goodness? no. u dun hv to look for his bad points to discredit him. he can remain a gd person cos ppl r generally "good"
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by acknowledging the fact that ur feelings for him is merely a crush, u sort of know that this feeling is not strong enuff for u to call it love. a crush is an obsession for an idealized version of someone rather than genuine affection.

the only way to distract ur attention from him is to focus more on ur relationship with ur bf. look for traits u find attractive in ur bf, things that made u fall in love with him in the 1st place.

if u can't get that rejuvenated feeling then u'll hv to ask urself what has gone wrong... r u and ur bf truly made for each other? BUT, pls take note: even if ur ans is no, that doesn't mean u can go running to ur crush. he remains a crush, an idealization conceived by ur wishful thinking...
 
confess your feelings. you will either hook up with him or lose him as a friend. either way, you will get over your crush.
 
Thanks everybody.

I can't stop working with this person, unfortunately, coz it's been hard for me to find a job.

Honestly, I dunno why I suddenly had this crush on him. Perhaps there is something I'm not getting from my relationship. This other guy is probably a temporary distraction coz he listens very intently when I speak and we have so many similarities compared to my bf and I.

My bf and I have been having a lot of problems and I have "disallowed" myself from giving 100% of my heart to him like I used to because when I did, he hurt me very badly - cheating, lying etc. He has sincerely changed, and I do love him, so that's why we're still together.

Anyhow, I definitely won't cross the line, like I said. I don't even sms or call him. I also work with my bf so anytime I meet this guy, my bf is around. I'm feeling kinda self-conscious now coz I do think about him sometimes and check him out when we meet. Just going to try to avoid him as much as possible and focus my energy on my relationship.
 
hey yellow,

guess it's time to review ur relationship with the bf if u dun get 100% satisfaction... u hv to face up to the fact that it does matter, dun short-change urself
happy.gif


and enjoy ur crush... the great thing abt hving a crush on someone is that u get to "do" everything without doing anything :P
it's completely guiltless and hassle-free and when the crush is over, just walk
biggrin.gif
u hardly get that from getting over a real relationship :P
 
Yellow Submarine,

follow your heart, go get someone you like. no shame about it.

go get him. sometimes i don't understand, why we need to be unhappy just because of moral or ethical questions ? are we born to be judje by others ?
 
I guess it differs from person to person?

If I don't have my ethics, to me, I don't have anything. Hurting other people to be with someone (esp someone I only have a crush on, and not love) would make me miserable, so no point lah. At the end of the day, doing this would make me more unhappy than not not being with the guy I'm crushing on.

Junkie - where got guiltless? I feel guilty leh. Hahaha.
 
actually, it has nothing to do with ethics. of cos faithfulness is gd and it's one desirable trait ppl seek in their mates. but it's only gd if u apply it to the RITE person. why substitute ur happiness for a set of rules? these rules only serve as moral guide for ppl to stay decent and there's alway an exception. if u do hv doubts abt ur current relationship, then u should stop to fix it or walk out of it... if u hv to hurt urself to keep another person unhurt and that same person is the one who hurt u in the 1st place then it's pretty pointless rite?

well, i would hv tell u to go for L if not for the fact that he's merely a crush... plus he's attached.... NO. i hv no problem with bf snatchers, it's hunting season for u guys
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i'm more concern abt the possibility of him rejecting u... if it's only a crush then not worth it lor, rite?

yeah, if u're dead sure abt it, a crush is a crush and nothing more... BUT, as u indulge in it, do oso take a look at ur current relationship... reality sucks but u still hv to deal with it...
 
"where got guiltless? I feel guilty leh"

of cos it's guiltless... u can hv a million orgies and still be joan of arc
happy.gif
 
Hi,
Sorry to crash, but I have a similiar / worse problem.
Im married with a kid, but I have developed a crush on a colleague and though we do not work together yet, we work close together, in proximity, and he too is married with kids of his own..

Now I'm hopping this crush will just go away QUICKLY..
I'm trying to think of all his bad habits.. snot in his nose.. bad language.. so I can kick this crush..

esle I can't stop thinking about him
sad.gif
 
OMG, I dun feel guilty, though I am, given my situation.. (Married with kid)
i have to have to kick this crush, any advice?
 
if u r ok with the possiblity of breaking up ur family then go with it... else continue to think of his bad habits... and throw in more dizziness... u gonna go spacey
happy.gif
 
actually it's a sweet feeling to be in a crush..
dun destroy it by taking any action, just keep it in the deepest place in the heart.
 
Its a very sweet feeling to be in a crush.. but I'm afraid it could escalate to an affair..

Cos I know he has very good feelings about me too, not a 1 sided thing. And I'm not the only person to notice it..

We are always the butt of couple jokes in office, and it stems from the special treatment I rec. from him.

It doesn't help that he has a loud personality and voice, everyone hears and sees him a mile away.

On top of this, I am given an interview chance with him next wk, if I get the post, I shall work very closely with him..
(travel and work together)

He gave me the interview chance and arranged it privately for me, somehow I think he will push for me to get the job though I may not be up for it. (I'm not experienced enough).

Ironically, he is known to be timid at home, and scared of his wife..
But a very mean / rogue boss at work.
 
so r u keen to fill in the role of the submissive mistress? cos i think it's highly likely that he'll like some free sex. nothing to do with the person, ur face or body. it's the thrill of it that got him, bedding another man's wife... he will JUMP at it...

easy isn't it? just remember to use contraceptive... be a responsible person
happy.gif
 
(travel and work together) , this is very dangerous.

If it really happened, there will be dire consequence and the reputation as well as family lives will be affected as well.
 
dun mention it
happy.gif

this is nothing new. just be sure to practise safe sex else u will feel shitty when something unwanted comes ur way...
 
so advice is to not take the job?
Esle situation will worsen, and I am digging my own grave
sad.gif


Now already many gossips about both of us
 
i know of an adulterous couple that they doesn't give a damn about consequence and the reputation as well as family lives. if u all interested, i send u the link to the blog

Most adultery cases come in the form of close friendship, developed over a period of time after close frequent communication. Adultery usually doesn't happen overnight but over a period of time. Satan & his demons are very smart & packaged adultery so nicely in the form of good friend thing and love that parties in sin of adultery do not realize that they are committing sin of adultery but it is only forbidden love. Adultery will not happen easily if there are no opportunities for adultery to happen & no close frequent communication between two future adulterous parties. The key thing is talking frequently & deeply to opposite sex outside the marriage and not being considerate to your spouse. When you share your feelings or talk frequently & deeply to opposite sex outside the marriage, you are opening the door & an opportunity for your marriage to end up in divorce because you will eventually develop feelings for each other over period of time. Your days of hunting for a spouse are over and therefore should concentrate on making marriage work rather than seeking outside for love or companionship.
 
Temptations are everywhere. What's important is for us to stay focused on what we really want and need. If you truly cherish your marriage, then you should be working to protect and guard it. If you don't then why t let morals and values hinder you.

Don't let temptation of excitment and emotion cloud your mind. You stay in your marriage or into affair fully clear minded knowing the consequences. Don't bullshit yourself and allow yourself to sway with emotions just like this. Crushes is normal for everyone. There is nothing shameful about that.
 
Just had the interv, not sure how it turns out. But I spent the last long weekend thinkin bout my crush, I absolutely need to kick this crush!
Help me
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I dun wanna shit where I eat...
 
I dun hv the will power to not start an affair, my marriage/ hubby is too boring to keep me interested. Though this is not a good excuse to start any affairs, but I am too weak willed to stand my ground. The only thing keeping me from having an affair till now is cos I keep myself busy with work/son/hobbies. But am getting bored with too much time on my hands.
I just had this conversation with a close friend, and she has advised that many pple sucumb to temptations when they are in the same situation as me. Bored, and routine marriage life.
 
The truth behind the smoke screen. You want it. No need for good excuse. Just be clearly conscious of your situation when you make the decision. To say you have no will power is really just a nice way to put it. That the situation is beyond you.

Your life and marriage is as interesting as you both make out of it. How much priority do you place to it your relationship to sustain the sparks? If there isn't any, then you shouldn't be surprised. no?

Go ahead if you must. There is no real right or wrong. But, wipe your mouth clean and be prepared to deal with the consequences when it comes. Don't again use the same excuse that you lacked will power. Truth is, the affair is good enough for you to risk your marriage on it.
 
There is no sparks watsoever in my marriage, I am the one who plans dates or holidays, hubby just sits back and wait, he is passive. But I dun deny he is a good father, husband. He loves me more than I love him.
I met up with my ex a few mths back, and am thankful I chose my hubby as my life partner.
My crush now has many negative qualities about him, things I hate in a man / partner, so I really dunno wats my attraction to him.
My crush is vulgar/ direct/ insensitive/ demanding/ arrogant
all of this my hubby is not and is the opposite in fact.
I shud appreciate my hubby more and not think about my crush, what more someone with such undesirable traits.
But I can't stop thinking bout my crush
sad.gif
 
hi, its actually pretty obvious. He is the opposite. Hence, it covers aspects lacking currently in your marriage.

If you are decided to get pass the crush, then take the commitment and time. Cold turkey is the best way. It doesn't mean your mind will stop thinking. It doesn't but when you put your heart to get over it with complete isolation, time will gradually fade the emotions away. Each crush that your get over from, will help you better cope with emotions. We can be tempted from anything emotional to physical. Sometimes, its simply instinctive nature at work. For many nice caring guys out there, they do not intend to cheat on their spouses too. It all started with the instinctive need to care and protect the weaker damster in distress. Our instinctive cravings for the minor things subsconsciously lure us all the time.

On a separate note, how is your communication with your husband. That more you take the lead, the less he sees the need and motivation to take any initiative in it. This is normal human behavior.
 
We tok to each other about everything under the sun except our almost non existent sex life, and my complaints about this boring , routine marriage I hv with him. My close fren who knows about my story, reckons I married too early, now with my son, it becomes complicated if I want to end things. I married at 26, was preg by 27. Am now 29 going 30
 
ur hb sounds like a gem! I married at 23 and though my hb is also those passive type, I will plan our activities and sometimes only the 2 of us will shop and catch a movie together, have small drinks and finger foods, chilling out at places like Dempsey or prawn fishing place at the Bishan. Last yr, we went on a short trip together (only the 2 of us). It's enjoyable and I enjoy his accompany. Otherwise most weekend will be spent with our daughter.

I feel that even though for married couples, it's a must to spend some time together as a couple to keep the sparks going.
 
Sex is something couples should talk more about. How to keep love making interesting and craving for more when both is quiet about it?

And communication should be follow-through with actions. Else, its just trash talking. Its definitely nice in the initial attraction in crushes. Its mainly the chemicals in the brain that makes one feels on top of the world. You are probably missing this aspect. The thing is, we can continue to fall in love with our partners through the yrs.
 
"We tok to each other about everything under the sun except our almost non existent sex life"

i sort of know what makes it tick for u now...

it's more than crush. it's sexual fantasy, this desire to be dominated by a virile and dangerous male... it's animalistic.

u a risk taker?

i suggest u make known to ur husband the burning desire that is tormenting u rite now... risky but can be effective...
 
It's common to have fantasy but then it will fade when u get to know the other party better. Why want to ruin something that's so impt just because of a fantasy?
 
my life is exactly like susanna low's.. we plan some movie nites together, nice dinners, and weekends with my boy, well I'm bored.. though most think this is a perfect marriage.
We always holiday together, and not bring my boy.
And my boy is looked after by my parents in law, so we actually have a lot of couple time at night.

And no, i dun feel like toking about sex or crave sex with hubby, cos frankly, sex with him bores me..
sad.gif


do i sound evil? I'm being open and frank here..

And I dun think I am much of a risk taker, maybe slightly more then hubby. My crush is not good looking, i have no idea why I have a crush on him, he's everything I DO NOT WANT in a partner.
 
ya, I have to seriously consider the advice of my close fren, she has never had a long term job / relationship.

Since graduation, her longest job held was 2 yrs, the rest were 6 to 8 mths.

Her relationships are varied and short, and she dates 1 to 5 men at any one time.. so sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.

But she is a very passionate lady, who "lives for the moment" and puts in 110% in what she does, work / love.
So if she is in love, she will do anything and everything for her man. Something I will not.
 
Hi watson, how do you expect sex with him to improve when you don't talk to him about it?

Seems your temptation is mainly sexual. My wife has pretty low drive too. But I'm more than open with her about my fantasies and sharing porn and dirty talking. In a way, it encourages her to be more advanterous.
 
she (close fren) tells me I have not been in 110% in love with another before so I have not experience true love, and have settled down, now stuck with a kid... so its natural for me to keep thinking what life would be like if I haven't married my current hubby.

somehow I have to agree with her, no one esle knows of my story, and I am cautious about revealing too much to my other frens..

so far, all my frens are envious of me and my "perfect marriage" and if I'm going to bitch about it to them, they will prob think I'm warped, and need some psycho help.
 
"But she is a very passionate lady, who "lives for the moment" and puts in 110% in what she does"

never consult a bohemian on the right way to behave :P
 
110% in love?
I never believe in that. Its really for the fantasies.

Emotions are like waves. Today, u can feel its 100%, tomorrow 0% and 50% on another day. Its over-rated.

Once the fantasy is fulfilled, what's next? There are people with all kinds of weird fantasies. So, no worries. Ask the German killer that canabalise on a willing gay victim, he has nothing but regrets over it. Its only a fantasy. After fulfilling it, reality really sits in. Consequences don't disappear. Life isn't about fantasies.
 


I do not fantasize of sex with my crush.. maybe not yet, we have not started anything..

another possibility I discussed with my fren, why I am attracted to my crush is..

I am attracted to sucessful / agressive personality..

I was a freshie when I married then hubby,
at 26, my hubby was earning double my salary, and doing pretty well in his job, he held a good job and was confident when he spoke..

I kinda look up to him as my mentor, this may also be the reason I got hooked to him in the 1st place. I ditched my BF then cos I felt I could'nt learn anything from my BF and felt he was dragging me behind.

Hubby was my "superior" in my 1st job.. we dated after we both left the company.

Over the yrs, I worked and climbed up the corporate level, and my salary is now not too far from his.

And I did not work very hard to get to where I am, I suppose I was lucky.

He is not earning as much as I expects him to be, and not at a corporate level I would want(director level), so in a way, maybe I am disappointed in his "growth".

He is way smarter than me and very hard working, so from the way I see it, he is just plain unlucky to be stuck at his level and not earning as much as I think he shud..

He puts in 110% in his work, but what he draws home every month, is prob not worth his time and effort.

Whereesle I put in 60% into my work, and I feel / know I am overpaid for what I do in my job.

So now with my crush, he is way higher then my hubby, and I prob look up to him in the same way I did many yrs when I 1st started dating my hubby.
 
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