Found husband cheat. Lost!

M

meekia

New Member
I am totally lost.

I have married with my husband for 8 years. All this while, i trusted him a lot and never question him even if he come home late from work. Recently, I found out that my husband is cheating on me, and this is not the first time.

He has been with a girl few years back and the r/s last for 6 months. Currently he is with another girl and they were together for 14 months.

When i know the news from a third party, i confront him. He denied said there is no girl. I din trust him because no fire no smoke. And his reaction is making me lost trust in him. He kept quiet when I ask him who is the girl outside. I cried and sad. Didn't talk to him for few days.

After few days, I choose to trust in him and continue the marriage. I got another news from the person again. Then I ask him who is the one kept sending me emails, he said there are someone trying to harm him. There is no girl, and he did not do anything wrong to me. I trust him again.

7 days past. I received another email from the guy and in the email, there is my husband email writing to him and admitted the affair. I was totally lost. I asked him once again, and he now admitted the 2 affairs. He said he love me still. But if he loves me, how can he cheated on me? Not only once, but TWICE!

He said he has has cut all the communication with the current girl already and swear that he will be good from now on. I forgave him because i love him and i do not want to let go the marriage just like this. Surface we are ok. But I cannot let him touch me now. I do not have much to talk to him after the incident.

Should I forgive him? Can this marriage last?
 


haha... really sounds like the 2 parties came to post about the same guy. so meekia, kindly clear our doubts if u r the same person mentioned in the other thread.
 
*phew* lucky..

anyway meekia, not too sure how u feel. but for me, i feel that if my husband will to have an affair once, maybe I can still forgive. but if there's a second time, I don't think I am benevolent enough to forgive him again coz a third, fourth and and countless time might strike again.

anyway, u need to determine who is the "guy" who emailed u all these info. determine if "he" is a friend or enemy. it might be ur husband's previous girlfriend who juz sign up an email account in hope to break ur family. do consider this.

yes, ur husband is at fault. but it might not be the case that he doesn't love u anymore. sometimes, it's juz the emotions that rules the head and sometimes it's juz for the excitement. and even seduction. we can't tell u whether u should forgive him or not. but like wat we always say, decide for urself.

ask urself if u were to forgive him, are u able to forgive totally and put it behind u. it's useless to say it but u dun mean it. marriage will still fail in the end if this is the case.
 
yea, don't think the two threads are linked, except for the emotions, which are understandably similar, and the kena "bao toh" part via email...
 
Actually, it isn't about how generous the wife is. Rather, is it worth it? And has he shown any real repentance? Depends on why he is into affairs. Seems to me, his integrity and values are flawed to begin with. i.e. he is actively looking out for affairs.
 
But i feel sad if i will to leave him. 8 years marriage. haiz... He told me he will change and will never do that anymore. I dunno whether i should leave or stay. whether I should trust him.
 
meekia: 1 mistake can be forgiven, but what does it tells you abt repeated mistakes? Moreover, what makes him commit the offence the 2nd time with a different woman? I guess, you need to find out more before making any further decision?
 
affair is no something like 4D where u buy and strike it ....
it need times and effort, and he is doing it on purpose .... and further more not once but twice ... which mean he is actively looking for excitement
not by mistake ... i feel that this is definitely unforgivable
 
yea.. 8 yrs marriage is not easy to let go. so do think thru carefully before making ur final decision. think if u will still have the confidence in him to repent and build up the trust again
 
blur: Yeah. u r right. i really dunno wat to do now

Blissful: I lost faith yet I do not want to let go. how am i going to tell my family? how bout the hdb we owned? haiz...
 
meekia, u keep saying u will be sad to leave him. Are you happy now?

Not encouraging you to leave the marriage. But, you are restricting your own options. That's why you are feeling trapped.

Every decision has its price. Even remaining in the marriage. And with your thinking that you die die cannot leave him, you position yourself badly. What's stopping him from starting another affair. He would probabaly just be more careful in cleaning his tracks and continue with his flings outside.

"I lost faith yet I do not want to let go. how am i going to tell my family? how bout the hdb we owned? haiz."
How are you going to be happy and answer to yourself?? You live only once, its your life your call. You can cry everyday, come in to the forum and tell your sad story, but nothing is going to change. Go on this way, if you can and want to live your life like this.
 
littlewoman: I understand. I just do not have the guts to move out. fear of losing. I was so angry when I know the news. I din talk to him for few days. Then i told him, ok we start all over again and he also swear that he will not do anything hurtful anymore. I dunno whether i make the right choice. I seldom talk nowadays. But he convinced me that this is normal. it takes time to heal he said

Milo: I know where r u coming from. I dunno how to move on from here. i just wish there is not changes and i continue the marriage like this. But like you said, i am not happy
 
Time is an essential factor and it might or might not heal the wounds, depending if both parties can/can't let go, forgive and acceptance are the next factors that follow. Since you had made a choice, no point harping on if it is the right choice but more on going into the observation phrase, observe his sincerity and see if he really do wat he says...
 
if he wants to change, he would have done so after the first affair, so wake up from your dreams and do what you have to do.
 
i agree with littlewoman, give it time and then reflect if it works. If it still doesn't, then don't suffer anymore. Move on.
 
it has been 1 month since i know he cheat. so far so good. he came home right after work. nothing much but seems like he is immersing himself in work also. i can see he is sad. surface we are ok. we talk, no quarrel. but we have nothing much to talk unless is necessary. i will watch movie and play with our pet and he will do his work or do his own stuff at home. so i dunno whether how long will this situation last and is it normal. i try not to think about what has he done to me. i try not to know it then we can move on in our marriage. haiz...
 
meekia: the marriage and both of you can truly move on if both of you are being open about your feelings, emotions etc... No point trying to hide behind a "mask", pretending that everything is fine / okay. You have to talk about it, try to make an effort to overcome your inner pain... Both of you have make a choice to stay on this marriage, but if both of you are staying in this way, what is the point? I am not asking you to trust him immediately but not talking unless necessary will blew the whole thing off as well. No point being angry anymore, since you have made a choice to stay on, why not try to find your inner peace instead? To be able to forgive and forget about the incident, you have to first be able to let go in your heart...
 
to me, he seems very sorry in what he has done. i knew him for so many years, i just know he is really sorry and guilty this time. but again, when i think of what he has done, i just cannot let him get close to me
 
meekia: maybe u wan to open up and tok to him about it? the prick is still there, will never be gone till u sort things out. do u intend to remain like this for the next 2 or 5 years?

listen to him and cry it out if need be. u r bottling everything up and he might be doing the same thing too. wats the point of staying in this relationship when both of u are like strangers and treating a home like a hotel?
 
i talked to him. cry it out also. ask him why did he do that to me. am i not good enough? he cried and kept saying he is sorry. i never see him so sorry and guilty like this. first time i see him break down and apologize. i was convinced by him thats y i decided to be together. but the relationship just din work out well although we both r putting in effort to walk through this
 
" i just cannot let him get close to me" = means? Emotionally injured at the heart needs time to heal but first of all, are u opening yourself up or have you already put on your "full battle defense suit" ?
 
meekia,

I suggest that you guys go on a holiday. Start dating like young couples again to rekindle some sparks. It might how ease the tension.

And don't leave such heart to heart talks to time of crisis only. Try to re-establish the connection. The more you guys are connected, its grows the trust.
 
if u know u can never get over this, then maybe u might wanna consider giving up. else, if u cannot bear to leave him,remove this prick as much as possible and move on to observe.

not trying to scare u, but u have juz found out about his affair not too long ago. for the time being, he wouldn't dare to do anything. but as u observe, if he really promise wat he said, at least u can be assured by his actions. on the other hand, if his "habit" comes back, at least u can give up on him totally and make a firm decision.

all these takes time. sit back and consider if u r willing to invest the time
 
milo: we did try to go for a short holiday. but doesn't seems like a happy made up trip. things seems like normal, but doesn't really work out well
 
meekia: that is pretty the norm.. We can't expect that our initamcy will resume once the partner apologise isn't it? All these need time... Most of us, women will only perform a close contact with her partner if there is love and of course feeling the mental connection with her partner.. you aren't feeling all these nw... why not try to be back "friends" with your HB, get to understand him and the whole marriage better... like wat Milo suggested, rekindle some sparks in the marriage... Do what a young couple might do, holding hands, spending time talking to each other etc?
 
blissful: im trying to forget bout wat he has done. but like what u said, is like we dun have much topic recently. may be like he said, it takes time. but can time really heal? can we really back to normal?
 
littlewoman: sometimes i feel weird when he hold my hand. he is like a stranger. but i din refuse. i think if i want to work things out, i have to let him do something
 
meekia: u feel weird coz u are feeling the fact whereby, how can he hold my hand when he used the same hand to hold another person's? U feel weird coz u dun believe and find it unbelievable that how can someone who always says he loves u but end up falling in love or having an affair with another person? All these qns linger in your head and inner heart ya? You have to stop thinking and questioning yourself if you want to work on the marriage... To see if he really means what he says is not to keep harping on these qns but feel it with your heart and eyes...
 
Time can heal if you allow it to. i.e. u guys must put in the effort and have the patience because it will take time.
 
meekia,
after a rock hits the water, there will definitely be ripples. this is the most difficult time to get through, but yet you cannot avoid it. ride the waves, and cry if you want to or have to. take some time while the reality sinks in. then you have to pick yourself up once the ripples subside.

for my case, although my hubby didnt cheat, but i took very long to get out because the rocks kept dropping, and it took a long long time for the water to run still. yours is a big rock and the ripples may be bigger, i sincerely hope your husband isnt that cruel to drop rock after rock on you.

your external factors like family and HDB flat will be settled once you've made a decision. for now, dont include them in your dilemma, its only going to make it more difficult for you to reach your decision.

you will know if your husband is sincerely repentant. give yourself a time out and think through this important question - are you able to forgive AND forget? and start anew? if yes, then give him one last chance. if not, then give the chance to yourself to a life without him. both decisions carries a certain amount of risk, and you can only make this decision when your mind is clear. definitely not now.
 
thank you stardust. i dunno how long would it take for me to forget about all this. he seems like a stranger to me now. like u said, i see him regret and sorry in what he has done. but when i think of this affair is not the first time and he admitted it, it really breaks my heart. he is having affairss with his eyes opened. is he still the one i choose to marry him when i was young? did he ever respect me?
 
meekia,
these were the exact questions i asked myself not too long ago. when trust is betrayed in such a callous way, it can be near to impossible to build it up again unless the erring party is willing to go out of his/her way to salvage the relationship.you know your husband the best, trust your instincts.

the first things you need to know is why he strayed, both times. you need to know, and he has the duty to explain to you. like gambling and alcoholism, some may addicted to the thrill of having a double life. if your husband had carried on for 6 months and 14 months with the women, there could also be some emotional ties involved? these are questions that only he can give the answers to. but i dont think its a good time for you to ask him now, because you are not ready for an open talk yet. when your tears run dry, it'll be a good time to talk because then your emotions are spent, and you'll have a clear mind to ask and to receive answers, then make a decision.
 
stardust: i din ask why he stray. i dunno whether i am too scared to know the truth or i dun even wan to know the details about his stories with those girls. i asked who is she, he kept quiet. but just replied he will cut all the communication from that day onwards. and for the past 1 month, he really show and proof to me that he din keep in touch with her anymore. i ask him why did he do that, he just replied i am sorry. i am very tired. i gave up asking but just forgave him. i dunno whether im doing the right thing...
 
if you've chosen to forgive him, then try your best not to wonder about your decision until he does something to break your trust again.

i think you're very brave to do so..i dont even know if i'm strong enough to forgive and forget IF i were in your position. dont ask whether you are doing the right thing.. there is no right or wrong in such matters. two men can do the exact same wrong thing, but one's wife may be able to give another chance, yet the other wife may choose to leave.

you can only hope that he is truly sorry for his past actions and is sincere about changing for the better and to make it up to you.

although i suppose i'm one of the lucky ones - that my experience was nothing that devastating and a product of much wild imaginings and white lying on my husband's part, i've learnt that nothing is guaranteed in this world.i'm not longer sheltered and innocent from the tempations of the world, they;v become very real and very threatening to me, and so i've got to build up my own strength and ability so that i can survive and florish on my own should that day become necessary.

forgive and love your husband the way you used to, but dont forget to protect your mental, emotional self too. on top of that, i hope you do not end up expecting the worst from him, or live day by day expecting something to go wrong. you'll run yourself dry if you fall in that deadly cycle.
 
stardust: i dunno whether i am consider brave to do so or coward to know the truth and fear to lose him. 8 years of marriage, how we build our home together, how we spent our sweet time together. i dun wan to lose everything just like this. i can see that he is truly sorry for his past actions. but whether he is really sincere about changing for a better person, it is still too early to judge.he still make everything very vague about his affairs. mostly i know the it from the person who wrote me the email. then i confess him. according to him, the person who wrote in is not the mistress. he seems like know who is the person but he din really make it clear to me.
 
i have no strength and courage to leave. just carry on like this but doesn't seems like the relationship is working out although surface we seems ok. he looks very tired and sorry about his past and he is immersing himself in his work. i am still very angry and sad in what he has done. i dunno how to talk to him and i dun have much to talk to him.
 
meekia,
this is the ripple effect and the transition period where both parties need time to consolidate their emotions. give him and yourself the time and space required. but do you feel his sincerity in salvaging your marriage? are you still confident to say that he still loves you.

if you feel that this period will drag on, and no improvements can be seen, please arrange to see a marriage counsellor. sometimes all it needs is a third party, the right questions, and all the knots can be untied.

8 years is nothing compared to the next 40-5o years that you will need to live on. if its with him, then you really need to untie the knot in your heart, in BOTH your hearts. if its not with him eventually, 8 years worth of happiness, plus 2-3 years worth of pain to forget a cheating husband, is nowhere near 40-50 years of living in doubt.

i guess to get your answer, just ask him a straight - do you still love me? his immediate reaction should give you a hint to the answer you so desperately need to move on - may it be with him or not.
 
I asked him. do u still love me? immediately he said yes. i asked him, u have affair out there and u admitted. do u wan a divorce? he said no i dun wan. i cannot afford to lose my family. i will not leave u. i will cut all the communication immediately. but 1 week later, i found out that he is still in touch with the girl. although they din meet each other, but i got to know that they still sms and my husband still call her. his explaination is he cannot just leave the girl like this. he has to settle and end the relationship properly.

i talked to him after i knew that he still get in touch with the girl. i cried and he panic. and from there on, he keep his promise. i know he has cut every communication with her now to save our marriage. but beside this, there's no more he has done except come home immediately after work everyday and keep me accompany most of the time.

but again like u said, i have no confident after all these lies. for the past 14 months. he has been with the girl. how many lies he had said to me? i have no idea. how much of his words i can still trust now, i have no idea also. do u know what i mean? is like the trust is not there now. i have no confident.
 
hi, seems that your husband isn't really out for sex only. i.e. there is emotions involved and hence takes time to break it off. Don't add anymore strain to your marriage. Give time and space to the both of u, if it doesn't work, at least you tried.
 


yes. not only sex. he has feelings with the girl and the girl loves him. if not, they will not last so long. 14 months is not short period of time. is just that they seldom meet, but they email and sms each other everyday. till that i found out, then he stop everything with her and no communication at all since he wants back the marriage
 
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