Found husband cheat. Lost!

milo,

I dun agree that hb should be given much space and time. Yes, agree on a timeline and stick to it. If still SMS and call everyday.. how to break the affair?

With emotions, takes time to break off as in the healing process I understand. But it just take a will to end all communication. Yes, give hb some time to get over the relationship but that is not the same as still giving hb opportunity to communicate with the other girl.
 


sm: I have spoken to him and make things clear. he agreed and so far so good, they have zero contact now. i knew that he already stop talking or sms her already. Both of them have agreed to break up as well.
 
hi sm, that's not what I meant. Because he is emotionally involved, meekia cannot expect him to just get over it in no time. Naturally, he will be sad and emotionally confused despite his promises to cut off all ties.

There will need some time to start rebuilding from scratch. I agree that he needs to cut off communication with this gal and cold turkey himself to really get over it. But, its not always that simple. That gal could resort to emotional blackmailing etc.

So, yes, should have a timeline rather than one word from him and expect everything to be over. Expect him to still make mistakes, Meekia should remain aware and set appropriate reminders to him. But not jump or become hysterical nor breathe behind his neck all the time. That would add more stress to the frail marriage. This is what I'm really trying to advise meekia against.
 
thanks sm and milo. i think i am kinda scared of losing him. i am not a pretty lady.

few months back he did mention to his friend that his love to me has fading away slowly. he never proposed to me 8 yrs back and he mentioned to his friend that i agreed to marry him myself, he dun have to do any proposal to win my hurt. he said he has married and he knows very clearly that he is my husband. he has to be responsible to the family and he will not divorce or leave me. he has no choice, but thats life. (His friend told me after i knew he stray. which is quite recently only) im very sad when i hear this. but i refuse to know more. i scare to know the truth. i choose not to know it.

after i found out he has someone out there, he told me he is really sorry and regret in wat he has done. can see that he really guilty because he can't sleep well at night, he cant eat well as well. he promised after all this, he will appreciate the family more and appreciate me more as his wife. he swear that he will never do anything hurtful to me again. and i know he is trying to save our marriage also.

yes i am trying to trust him. but seeing our situation like this, can this marriage really work out and last long?
 
meekia,
dont ask these questions at this point in time. there are really no answers to these questions. anything can work if you put your heart and mind to it.

love is so subjective, sometimes we forget that we love someone because we've gotten used to having the person around. your husband seems to be entering a phase of depression as well, because whatever he told his friend is on a pretty low note.

i believe everyone has the right to be loved. from the things he said, it seems that he's staying out of a sense of obligation, and not because he loves you so much so that he cannot live without you and the family. are you able to live with that? its more than what others may have. but if you want to live in a marriage with love, then it may be better for you to initiate to leave.
 
and please never doubt yourself, ESPECIALLY your looks. whoever told you you werent pretty isnt pretty themselves. never lose your self-confidence. if you dress up, do it for yourself, not to keep a cheating husband. it may sound shallow, but perhaps take a day off, visit a spa, do a hair treatment, get a new hair colour, new haircut, get a facial, go shopping for new clothes - be as different as you can, and get your friends to spend the whole day with you, dinner and drinks after.. it really really works.. that was what i indulged in the past few months. and i realised i really enjoyed myself and soon, instead of doing all these things to distract myself, i ended up doing all these because i really enjoyed it. although i couldnt drink anything alcoholic because i was pregnant. =)
 
stardust: to be honest, every woman will want their husband to love them, let them shower us with love and care. thats y i am skeptical. i dunno whether i am able to live with the situation like this. if i have fear to lose him and live on my own, then i will have to accept what it is now. but can this really work? i really have no idea.

if he ever mentioned his love is fading away bits by bits, which means this is in his thought. although he may found that he is very wrong now and will appreciate me more, but will the love in between us grow again after all this?

I believe he is in depression too. that is why i can see him immerse himself in his work, cant eat or sleep well. but is it because of me knowing his affair or he is forced to let go the affair? i believe that the girls should have some position in his heart that is for sure. he used to care for her a lot. if not, they won't be carry on for so long. he is now have to let go the girl because i stop him from contacting her. but she may live in his heart still? i will never know.
 
yup, these are the things that we as the wife will never know because the husband will never tell the truth if he wants to keep you.
of course every woman wants a loving and caring husband.

again, like so many forummers here has said, you need to give it time to gain a better perspective. after you've cleared your head, it'll be easier to talk and to tell him your expectations. you need to decide what kind of marriage you want. you want a husband who's loving and caring - how do you want him to show his love and care? tell him what kind of marriage you want and need, and ask if he's able and willing to give you that. you've also gotta ask him what kind of wife he wants you to be? what is it that he finds lacking in you that he has to turn to other women to find?

love will only grow with understanding. if you two do not understand each other's deepest wants and needs, then you know the answer to your own question. understanding can be built up, even broken trust can be rebuilt, provided both are willing to work at it. you can't have one person putting in half hearted effort - there is no respect for the other party like this.

love can fade because he is not putting in effort to love you, or else you are not putting in effort to be loveable. instead of putting in effort to 'love' other women, suggest to him to try putting in effort to love you instead. thats why i said, tell him how he can show his love, and ask him how can you show yours.
 
It's so common to hear such sob stories here every few days, and it's not surprising that men cheat so often, cos they are created by GOD to have the instinct to propagate their own kind (sowing their wild oats).

In marriage, it's only a piece of paper that ppl use for appyling for new subsidised HDB flats, to have legitimate children, higher social standing(be it for work or for others to see, and also a sense of belonging where u can come home to after a days' work.

All these do not change the man's basic instinct to have multiple sex partners and although they fool around outside, they still value to keep their own families intact and hence all these fooling around is usually done behind's the wife's back.

If a man keeps having 1 affairs after the other despite staying married, I can say that he is a very attractive person(either in looks, character to with loads of $$$)and also very good in sex & libido, that the 3rd party would still want to have sex with him, knowing that he is already married.

So it is highly unlikely that he will ever change, esp. after repeated affairs after affairs, like a leapard will never change it's spots & another Chinese proverb like which cat does not eat fish???

It's time to make a decision to either accept for what he is, until a time he is too old and impotent and can never fool around anymore or make a clean break like a divorce.

This is the best advice that I'm giving here, right from the horse's mouth...hehehe
 
Never trust a man if he says that he has broken up immediately with the gal that he loved & esp, if the gal also loved him back alot!

He can say that there is no more contacts like SMS or emails.....but if he is careful enuff, he can delete all the discriminating SMS & emails skillfully w/o the wife finding out.

And also that the other party is careful not to contact him outside his working hours when he is most probably with his wife and family.

The only way the guy will leave the gal is that he does not love her anymore, the gal also cheats on him outside, or the gal demands too much attention and risk the wife finding out, or demands for money regularly until the guy gets pissed off!

If the gal is so ever willingly open her legs for the man and the sex is still great and exciting(better than with his wife of so many years)...u think he can just walk away from that???
 
sean liew: yes u r absolutely right. they have been very careful for the past 14 months. stupid me! never have notice that he has an affair out there nor the one which is few years back! he did it very carefully.

he seems like a very good husband at home after work and during weekends. but during office hour, they have been dating each other and cheating on me behind my back.

i totally understand what you mean by never believe that he can let go the girl immediately. when i found out his affair and he did promise there will be no contact anymore, i trust him and forgave him. he even brought me go for a short trip travel to make things up.

BUT few weeks later, i found out that he was still sms or call the girl and they are still in touch. is just that they did not meet other anymore after the affair has been disclosed few weeks back. his explanation was he cannot just walk away like this. he has to settle things and end the relationship properly.

i went mad. shout at him and wanted him to know what actually he was doing. if he want back the marriage, he should have zero contact instead of be extra careful in communicating behind my back.

he cried. he now truly understand how i feel and swear to god that he will stop everything from there onwards. and i also got to know that the girl was sort of pissed him off during that period of time. from there on, everything just come to the end.

he is kinda pissed and stress with all the quarrels. between us, and between him and the girl. so he decided to stop everything to have peace of mind.

i understand where are you coming from and i also understand that he may not change and cheat on me again. BUT...

i never see him cry. but recently, he is completely defeated and he cried. from there, he really shows he that he is sorry. by seeing him like this, i think he has learn his lesson. shouldn't i believe in him?
 
meekia,
dont be affected by what forummers post here. different ppl have different views and values, and they are only speaking from their minds. keep an open mind and dont question your choice unless something happens to prove you wrong.

on such issues, one can never make a right or wrong decision. you can only make informed decisions and take calculated risks. this'll depend on how well you know your hubby and how much you want your marriage to work out again.
 
When a guy cry, it means he's getting too desperate at his wits end. His affair got found out & he's the guilty party, of course he will panic and cry. He don't want to lose both u & her. That's making him very sad. He knew that he has to please both sides very hard now. He does love you but also emotionally tied up with another one too. Dilemma. When the affair persists more than 1mth, it means he's serious with the gal already.

Anyway, you can give him a chance if he can really break off completely, immediately. If he still dilly dally & cite so many excuses, he's not sincere at all. I had been thru similar situation & i do not pardon man who takes his own sweet time to make me suffer more.
 
We tend to cling on to relationship just believing in the love. The common reason go holding on are either "I love him very much" or "I choose to believe that he still loves me".

Love is just an emotion. Don't have this idea that if someone loves u, they will not hurt you. Ask yourself, the ones that hurt us most are always those we love most. I'm sure we have done things that hurt our loved ones, though mostly unintentional.

Don't give love more credit that is. Relationships take much more than the love alone to survive. So, you gotta look at the entire picture to decide if the relationship is worth holding or not. Its a total lost cause to cling onto a hopeless relationship. Mostly, we destroy whatsoever wonderful memories with the many yrs of suffering dragging it.
 
meekia: Keypoint now is what you want, if you are bent to give your HB a chance, don't question the otherwise. Like what Milo says, time is needed to fade away feelings for emotions... noone can do it immediately.
 
sigh. how i wish this is not happen on me or i can bang my head on the wall and forget everything that has happened recently. life never been easy after the affair was found out. although i kept it inside and dun want to know more about it, but i just can't help to be sad.
 
meekia: this is a transition period... it is a hard and tough period as both of you have to regain back the trust etc... harping on such qns wun help... More frustrations will set in with the qn going unanswered...
 
meekia, we all understand how u feel. then again, it's up to u whether u still have the confidence in ur husband.

u can go on acting like nothing has happened. but deep down, the feeling of doubt will always be there, and this will never help in any other way. i would say, take ur own time to see. no point rushing and bomb urself with all the questions like: wat if they still keeps in contact, does he still love me and stuff.

no one can lie forever. the truth will always be there. in the meantime while u try to cultivate the feelings and trust again, open ur eyes wide enough to observe. if things still dun work out after a period, then move on.
 
meekia, life full of challenges.
U facing problems with your hubby while I'm facing problems with my husband's family member..
My husband do not understand me and side his family.
I feel sad.. if not because of my 1yrs old son, I think we might divorce already.
Anyway, cheer up! There is a long way to go!!
 
Dong: life is never been easy for me after all these. i tend to cling on the relationship yet it seems a bit meaningless actually. like what blissful has had mentioned, if im looking for a marriage with love, i should take the initiative to leave. im like dragging it days by days... probably just want to take time to proof, to proof that this marriage can be carried on
 
meekia, am not saying that it's not time to reconsider if u should leave him, but you have made that choice to stay in the marriage, shouldn't you really give it a try? Everything may seem meaningless now, but such feelings may be caused by your current unstable emotions. Dun let everything that you hear affect you thus.

By giving the marriage a chance, you ought to stop doubting and start opening your heart to trust him again. Have that simple faith that he has left her. And dun bring this error up again.

If you carry on in your current state of mind, the marriage will not pick itself up again.

If you were to ever find out that he repeated his mistake again, at least you know that you have tried your best and that it's time to move on.


If you have really tried but you just can't forget the incident, then it may be better for you to consider leaving him.
 
There is the old saying................
Leopard never change it spots

awaiting for the next affair ;-)

opps....sorry......
 
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