Forgive or not forgive?

I thought I found a man whom I love and who loves me. However, I was wrong. We got married and moved into our new house. A few days after we got married, I checked his handphone. To my horror, he claimed to be single and exchanged intimate messages with many women over a chat application. On a few occasions, he even asked to meet up with the women to have sex. I confronted him but he denied (not knowing that I already knew about his flings). I was devastated but I was prepared to forgive him (after all I was only married to him for less than a month). I told him to put what had happened behind us and to start afresh. However, I also warned him that I will not forgive him should I find him to be unfaithful subsequently. He was dumbfolded but did not seem to take me seriously. He continued to befriend women through the chat application... young girls, women who are old enough to be his mother, foreigners... you name it, he has it. My bestie encouraged me to confront him and ask him to promise that he will never do it again. I have other friends who encouraged me to leave him. Recently, I discovered he had been fooling around (includes having s*x with strangers and prostitutes) even while we were dating and preparing to get married. I felt like a fool to be kept in the dark. I felt terrible and cried to sleep a few times. This man knew I was upset but he did nothing to salvage our marriage. He denied everything and did not apologise for what he had done. His parents side with him and said he did all these in a moment of folly. Should I forgive him?
 


No, definitely no!!! A leopard never change its spots. Even if you forgive him, would you still have the trust in him? Without even doubting him?
 

Infernolord

Active Member
Ask yourself if the situation is the other way around. Do you think your hubby can forgive you?
Then ask again, how much does he love you? He can betray you at the very moment u all get married. ..

I think your hubby is a player. Then u should play your game and level it. Ask for a divorce, dun tell him the reasons and ask him to find out himself.
If he still deny and is ok with it, you have your answer......... He will cheat and will cheat openly in future. (not underground)
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Your subject title is already problematic. What are you forgiving him for? He isn't even repentant here. He is a serial swinger and sex addict. It is long in his sexuality to get sex from all these activities. He will not change his sexual appetite and behavior. Our sexuality is developed pretty much during puberty and early adulthood, where the brain develops and more or less gets hooked onto certain stimulus from the dopamine released in the brain. Its an addiction, these are life long habit that has become not just habitual but instinctive.

Think about it this way, can you change your enjoyment over eating ice cream? You can't, the high feeling of enjoyment from the ice-cream, no matter how fattening it is, you will crave for it. The dopamine he gets from his sex episodes are probably far more than ice cream.
 
I wish I could just close one eye but I can't. The things he did just keep flashing back as much as I want to forgive him. Like dreamycandy said, I have lost faith in him.

Now is the tricky part. Under Singapore laws, I will need to wait at least 3 yrs to ask for divorce. Haiz... my nightmare will not go away so soon.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I wish I could just close one eye but I can't. The things he did just keep flashing back as much as I want to forgive him. Like dreamycandy said, I have lost faith in him.

Now is the tricky part. Under Singapore laws, I will need to wait at least 3 yrs to ask for divorce. Haiz... my nightmare will not go away so soon.
annulment ?
 

meiji5

Member
Sorry to say this but your husband will not change his ways. If he agrees to change to appease you momentarily and doesn't change, it only means that you accept his way of life and he will continue to do it while you will get hurt deeper and deeper.
 

Infernolord

Active Member
I always believe that people should deserve a 2nd chance. And i think if he is really remorse and want to change.
U should judge for yourself and see how he act. Words are words. Actions play a big part.
 

meiji5

Member
I do agree that every person deserves a second chance, but as TS put it she told her hubby that she was aware of what he was doing and to put it all behind them but he still taking it for granted and continued going about his old ways.

Infernolord, you know my story so you know that I don't believe that this person would change. Especially since his wife (TS) already knows and he still denies it.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
as mentioned, this man has an addiction to casual sex. His sexuality is already well established, it cannot change. It is like asking someone that loves women and enjoy straight sex to become gay. It doesn't happen. His brain is wired to be horny with such sexual encounters. Normal sex between the couple doesn't fulfill him. This is the same reason why serial killers can lead seperate lives, on one side, good responsible loving family man but on the other side sadist unfeeling killer. Kind of extreme example here, but think why sex offenders are quick to reoffend. Sexual needs are into the instinct, like all addictions.
 

sadman2009

Active Member
Try getting him to agree to annulment. You can gather all the proofs of his infidelity.. in Singapore with proof of his infidelity... woman can ask for a lot... when he knows these he will agree to annulment.. which is also good for you...
 

jam123

Member
My bf of 2 years just proposed 3 weeks ago and I said yes. but I found out he visited prostitute 3 months ago. What should I do
 

meiji5

Member
My bf of 2 years just proposed 3 weeks ago and I said yes. but I found out he visited prostitute 3 months ago. What should I do

Does your bf/fiance know that you found out about what he did? Are you able to talk to him and find out the reasons why he visiting prostitutes? Did anything happen between you both 3 months ago that could have triggered this?

There's not much information to know to advise you on what to do except:
1) can you forgive him for this if he had a good reason to visit a prostitute?
2) can he assure you that it was a one off thing and it would never happen again?

Have a talk with him first.
 

meimei1601

Member
I wish I could just close one eye but I can't. The things he did just keep flashing back as much as I want to forgive him. Like dreamycandy said, I have lost faith in him.

Now is the tricky part. Under Singapore laws, I will need to wait at least 3 yrs to ask for divorce. Haiz... my nightmare will not go away so soon.

Circumstances and time is not a reason not to move on. With in 3 yrs if u can proven him to be unfaithful or he is happy to be single again, there is something call annulment...

Give 3 yrs of separation and be single is better than dragging Ur entire life in this marriage but yet single with status tight for Ur whole life living in misery, unhappiness and hell
 

life_is

Active Member
Circumstances and time is not a reason not to move on. With in 3 yrs if u can proven him to be unfaithful or he is happy to be single again, there is something call annulment...

Give 3 yrs of separation and be single is better than dragging Ur entire life in this marriage but yet single with status tight for Ur whole life living in misery, unhappiness and hell

Annulment only works if no sexual relationship between spouses. What she can do is gather proof of infidelity and file on those grounds. May be made to go counselling but at least should get started on it if the marriage can't be saved.
 

Carousell

Active Member
I thought I found a man whom I love and who loves me. However, I was wrong. We got married and moved into our new house. A few days after we got married, I checked his handphone. To my horror, he claimed to be single and exchanged intimate messages with many women over a chat application. On a few occasions, he even asked to meet up with the women to have sex. I confronted him but he denied (not knowing that I already knew about his flings). I was devastated but I was prepared to forgive him (after all I was only married to him for less than a month). I told him to put what had happened behind us and to start afresh. However, I also warned him that I will not forgive him should I find him to be unfaithful subsequently. He was dumbfolded but did not seem to take me seriously. He continued to befriend women through the chat application... young girls, women who are old enough to be his mother, foreigners... you name it, he has it. My bestie encouraged me to confront him and ask him to promise that he will never do it again. I have other friends who encouraged me to leave him. Recently, I discovered he had been fooling around (includes having s*x with strangers and prostitutes) even while we were dating and preparing to get married. I felt like a fool to be kept in the dark. I felt terrible and cried to sleep a few times. This man knew I was upset but he did nothing to salvage our marriage. He denied everything and did not apologise for what he had done. His parents side with him and said he did all these in a moment of folly. Should I forgive him?
You said that you warned him after the first time you discovered but he dosent appear to take it seriously, then why you still continue to stay with him? You are really courageous. For me i wont settle with a warning only, if he doesnt even seem repentent after the first time i found out, means he will never change. Sometimed people can appear to be sorry but deep inside would not want to give up casual sex or flirting also, all the more those who doesnt take it seriously. You should leave him, especially before you have children
 

Carousell

Active Member
I do agree that every person deserves a second chance, but as TS put it she told her hubby that she was aware of what he was doing and to put it all behind them but he still taking it for granted and continued going about his old ways.

Infernolord, you know my story so you know that I don't believe that this person would change. Especially since his wife (TS) already knows and he still denies it.
What is your story meiji5? My hubby also caught visiting prostitutes 8 months ago, we have two young children. And we figured out he was addicted to pornography and sex which explains why he cannot stop on his own.

He has apologised to me and promised not to repeat. But i m a very self protective person and cheating is never acceptable to me, i dont believe in giving chance when it come to cheating. But now because of two kids and what he did, i stay on first. But not confident for our future and actually lose all the sparks of wanting to grow old with him now.
 

Carousell

Active Member
I thought I found a man whom I love and who loves me. However, I was wrong. We got married and moved into our new house. A few days after we got married, I checked his handphone. To my horror, he claimed to be single and exchanged intimate messages with many women over a chat application. On a few occasions, he even asked to meet up with the women to have sex. I confronted him but he denied (not knowing that I already knew about his flings). I was devastated but I was prepared to forgive him (after all I was only married to him for less than a month). I told him to put what had happened behind us and to start afresh. However, I also warned him that I will not forgive him should I find him to be unfaithful subsequently. He was dumbfolded but did not seem to take me seriously. He continued to befriend women through the chat application... young girls, women who are old enough to be his mother, foreigners... you name it, he has it. My bestie encouraged me to confront him and ask him to promise that he will never do it again. I have other friends who encouraged me to leave him. Recently, I discovered he had been fooling around (includes having s*x with strangers and prostitutes) even while we were dating and preparing to get married. I felt like a fool to be kept in the dark. I felt terrible and cried to sleep a few times. This man knew I was upset but he did nothing to salvage our marriage. He denied everything and did not apologise for what he had done. His parents side with him and said he did all these in a moment of folly. Should I forgive him?
Can i check with you the app he use isit wechat? Anyway i am appalled that his parents are ok with it. Do you know when he started all these activities? He may be a sex addict like my hubby, congrats if you are getting out of the marriage before more problem arises due to children etc. These men really should not have settle down if this is what they want to do, hey are destroying lives.
 
I am thankful for all the advices that you all have given me. I will move on with my own life without this jerk. For those singles out there, do open your eyes big big and really know the person inside out before you marry him or her. Don't end up in a pathetic situation like mine.

Carousell, I will reply you separately.
 

gladjo

Member
Its impossible to annul but if both parties agree...it can be annul ..no freaking lawyer in the world will tell u this cos they want u to go thru the whole divorce process.where they can rip you $30-50k

For porno addicts hubby...really nothing to say cos i did encountered some n they need to rewire their freaking brains
 

Carousell

Active Member
Its impossible to annul but if both parties agree...it can be annul ..no freaking lawyer in the world will tell u this cos they want u to go thru the whole divorce process.where they can rip you $30-50k

For porno addicts hubby...really nothing to say cos i did encountered some n they need to rewire their freaking brains
Actually for those who regularly visits prostitutes, i think more or less they are considered addicts bah. How to draw the line between addicts and non addicts. Unless a man only visits like once in a long while due to no intimacy with wife or no gf at all, then maybe not considered addicts.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Actually for those who regularly visits prostitutes, i think more or less they are considered addicts bah. How to draw the line between addicts and non addicts. Unless a man only visits like once in a long while due to no intimacy with wife or no gf at all, then maybe not considered addicts.
Addict is one that loses control, he cannot control his urges and suffers from withdrawal.

Non addicts, are just people that have moral values that permit commercial sex and sees it as a treat occasionally when the feeling is right. Pretty much how many would see ONS. They basically know what they are getting into, they want a good time and knows how to protect themselves.
 

Carousell

Active Member
Addict is one that loses control, he cannot control his urges and suffers from withdrawal.

Non addicts, are just people that have moral values that permit commercial sex and sees it as a treat occasionally when the feeling is right. Pretty much how many would see ONS. They basically know what they are getting into, they want a good time and knows how to protect themselves.
You seem to understand all these quite well. Isit because of your father's experience? Your gf or wife can rest assure that they will not face what we face here since you are so clear minded.
 
Can i check with you the app he use isit wechat? Anyway i am appalled that his parents are ok with it. Do you know when he started all these activities? He may be a sex addict like my hubby, congrats if you are getting out of the marriage before more problem arises due to children etc. These men really should not have settle down if this is what they want to do, hey are destroying lives.

Yes, it is wechat.
 

Carousell

Active Member
Yes, it is wechat.
I read that wechat can locate individuals who are interested to meet up for sex. Is that true? Makes me want to dwnload and see how it works. My hubby used to have wechat but by the time i discover he deleted all records so i m not sure whether its true that his are all prostitutes. I hope he didnt meet up w some random girls just looking for no pay sex, thats so sick. I hate all these apps designed to help people betray, if you google theres a lot out there even help to cover up till the extent theres no way to find out. Its stressful to remain in a relationship with cheaters.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
You seem to understand all these quite well. Isit because of your father's experience? Your gf or wife can rest assure that they will not face what we face here since you are so clear minded.
Let's just say, I'm a normal guy with needs, and completely honest about it. I struggled with my own demons when younger. Guilt from religion but my lust remains. Its impt that we shouldn't hide our sexuality and be open about it with our spouses. The more we hide and suppress, the more it will accumulate inside. Do we accept our spouses for who they are ?
 

Carousell

Active Member
Let's just say, I'm a normal guy with needs, and completely honest about it. I struggled with my own demons when younger. Guilt from religion but my lust remains. Its impt that we shouldn't hide our sexuality and be open about it with our spouses. The more we hide and suppress, the more it will accumulate inside. Do we accept our spouses for who they are ?
Yes i agree. We should be honest to our spouse. Mine is a combination of his bad unhealthy habits of watching and reading plus the fact that i wasnt very interested in sex and didnt realised its something very impt in a marriage. He always give in to my reluctance to have sex And bottle it up. But he also admitted that with the addiction, even if we regularly have sex, he might still stray. Especially when he didnt stop reading from the forum.
 

clem

Member
Yes i agree. We should be honest to our spouse. Mine is a combination of his bad unhealthy habits of watching and reading plus the fact that i wasnt very interested in sex and didnt realised its something very impt in a marriage. He always give in to my reluctance to have sex And bottle it up. But he also admitted that with the addiction, even if we regularly have sex, he might still stray. Especially when he didnt stop reading from the forum.

Hi Carousell,
Though guys should respect girls if they are reluctant, but the reality is that sex is still an important part in a marriage.
I'm not sure why you are not interested, but I'm sure your hubby would be very pissed off if you show any reluctance - this may "encourage" him to explore alternatives.
I'm not trying to find excuse for your hubby or saying that it's not his fault, but i think to help him to fix it, you need to support him in some way.
Afterall, marriage is about give and take.
Jia you.
 

Carousell

Active Member
Hi Carousell,
Though guys should respect girls if they are reluctant, but the reality is that sex is still an important part in a marriage.
I'm not sure why you are not interested, but I'm sure your hubby would be very pissed off if you show any reluctance - this may "encourage" him to explore alternatives.
I'm not trying to find excuse for your hubby or saying that it's not his fault, but i think to help him to fix it, you need to support him in some way.
Afterall, marriage is about give and take.
Jia you.
Yes i understand now that sex is impt. Ask me now actually thinking back, i am also not sure why my thinking is like that. Maybe i m just a bit slow in sex knowledge, i didnt really thought of it as a need. I just think that he shd settle w masturbate if we didnt have sex. But his masturbation involves seeing porn and reading from sammyboy forum and that forum is full of access to prostitutes, so it makes cheating really easy.

Yes i understand it is still hus fault but at the same time, i need to do my part if we want to salvage the marriage so now yah, i dont reject him anymore.
 

clem

Member
Yes i understand now that sex is impt. Ask me now actually thinking back, i am also not sure why my thinking is like that. Maybe i m just a bit slow in sex knowledge, i didnt really thought of it as a need. I just think that he shd settle w masturbate if we didnt have sex. But his masturbation involves seeing porn and reading from sammyboy forum and that forum is full of access to prostitutes, so it makes cheating really easy.

Yes i understand it is still hus fault but at the same time, i need to do my part if we want to salvage the marriage so now yah, i dont reject him anymore.

:) No no, masturbation can never replace the real sex, especially when the man has a gf / wife! Instead masturbation only makes them more pissed off ("why do I have to do this since I have a gf/wife??").

Seeing porn and reading sammyboy forum during masturbation is normal, it's to increase the stimulation and most guys do it... just that the experience shared sammyboy people might have encouraged your hubby to try it out (add that "since my wife never helped, and it seems so common for guys to go for prostitutes").

Again, don't do it just for the sake of doing it... let him know how you feel (ask him too!), and slowly improve on it... both of you deserve the good time from each other. It's not easy for you during this period because of what he has done, but let time take care of that part...
 

Carousell

Active Member
:) No no, masturbation can never replace the real sex, especially when the man has a gf / wife! Instead masturbation only makes them more pissed off ("why do I have to do this since I have a gf/wife??").

Seeing porn and reading sammyboy forum during masturbation is normal, it's to increase the stimulation and most guys do it... just that the experience shared sammyboy people might have encouraged your hubby to try it out (add that "since my wife never helped, and it seems so common for guys to go for prostitutes").

Again, don't do it just for the sake of doing it... let him know how you feel (ask him too!), and slowly improve on it... both of you deserve the good time from each other. It's not easy for you during this period because of what he has done, but let time take care of that part...
Mine is like a whirlwind. After i discovered i suddenly want to have sex, maybe its a testing to see isit he doesnt want me anymore. Then after some time, i have repercussions again i dont want sex again because i was angry and find him disgusting then i think we stopped for two or three weeks. Then later on cool down still love him or scared he cannot tahan then go back to regular. My life really like a drama experience now
 

Roxie88

Member
Mine is like a whirlwind. After i discovered i suddenly want to have sex, maybe its a testing to see isit he doesnt want me anymore. Then after some time, i have repercussions again i dont want sex again because i was angry and find him disgusting then i think we stopped for two or three weeks. Then later on cool down still love him or scared he cannot tahan then go back to regular. My life really like a drama experience now

Guess this is normal.. In the aftermath of your discovery, your world turned upside down. That's why will want to do what you normally won't .. Do anything in fact, to see if your husband still wants you. I did that as well and my husband accepted that sex.. Ridiculous as it sounds, I wanted to see if he can still get aroused by his own wife. To think back I felt he was selfish then.. In fact, he started throwing all those details of sex with that woman in my face and then when I cried and get intimate with him, he just accepted it.

Hope things settle down for you soon.. This kind of drama in life is not wanted.. All the best! Hopeful to hear you getting out of this heartpain and rebuild your relationship with your husband.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Yes i agree. We should be honest to our spouse. Mine is a combination of his bad unhealthy habits of watching and reading plus the fact that i wasnt very interested in sex and didnt realised its something very impt in a marriage. He always give in to my reluctance to have sex And bottle it up. But he also admitted that with the addiction, even if we regularly have sex, he might still stray. Especially when he didnt stop reading from the forum.
I have to emphasize, porn is not necessary unhealthy. Its basically dramatized sex. Its like saying soap opera and all the action film are bad. The issue is when the fantasies gets out of hand, there is a market for all kind of crazy shit from BDSM, animal sex and rape. That is when it becomes totally perverse. There is nothing so unhealthy watching a beautiful woman making love to an ugly chap.
Just as extreme views about gambling or any vices. Activities that are addictive are dangerous. Dangerous doesn't mean its unhealthy. People have different risk appetite and level of self control.
 

gladjo

Member
Frog in a frying pan .. the frog thought it isnt hot so its not dangerous ...slowly the heat goes up little by little ... smoking isnt bad ..u dun die instantly ... heroine isnt bad, small amount dun kill so long as control, who hold the controls, the one smoking ....addictions arent bad so long as the person can control..what if he lost control ?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
well, you can use the frying pan to cook a very nice steak. Why does one need to be a ignorant frog? Fire, guns are all dangerous, likewise for drugs. Yet, all has its application. Drugs are used for medical reasons. Nevertheless, many people do live in white and black worlds, I acknowledge that. They will never accept other shades. When used appropriately, one isn't the frog. Anyway, I love frog legs. Yummy :)
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
ddictions arent bad so long as the person can control..what if he lost control ?

Unfortunately, we don't live in isolation. Temptations are everywhere. Live a life fearing what ifs or learn to deal with it. There are both different strategies. There isn't a better one. Depends largely on the individual. In the nutshell, don't over or under estimate ourselves. We should be very honest and reflective about ourselves.
 

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