Feeling vexed

Katejake

New Member
Hi peeps, this is my very 1st post in this forum. Feeling kinda vexed recently and would like to share my story and seek for advice.

I'm a 30 year old SG female. I have a boyfriend of the same age from Malaysia. We were close friends for about 3 years before we became official in March last year. We have applied for Bidadari BTO in Nov'15 and is now waiting for the ballot results to be released.

My boyfriend is a great guy in my opinion. Except the fact that he is heavily burdened by his financial commitments in Malaysia. He earns a good salary in SG (about $5k) but he hardly has any savings. He told me yesterday about his bank balance (less than 4k) and it has always been at this range. Never increased. I was disappointed of course. Since we have already applied for BTO, shouldn't he start to save up for proposal ring, wedding, renovation) to be taken place in a few years time? Upon knowing his pathetic bank balance, I asked him, are you saving up money for our future? Do you have any plans for our future? He said not at this moment. My heart literally sank to the bottom of the sea. I've got a feeling that he will only be ready by 35. I'm not sure by then, will I be having some difficulties in giving birth.

And he also mentioned that he definitely wouldn't be holding a banquet in SG as it is too expensive. He only plans to have a ROM and that's it. No celebration or anything. He can't afford it. Is he being selfish here? It's like he made this statement without even consulting me. I agree with him for not holding a banquet as I also find it a waste of time n money. I only wish to have a small wedding party with my relatives and friends. I told him if he doesn't want to pay, I will instead. And I think he isn't happy. He said if given a choice, he rather pay for BTO renovation instead of spending on a wedding. Looks like I have to fork out everything for my wedding. Is he sincere about me really? Feeling vexed.
 


Depends on how much u love him.for me,I would feel he is not sincere and marriage is once in a lifetime thing,so at least should do something acceptable.no celebration of any kind I can't accept.Tell him how you feel abt the party u intend to held.If he refused then you will see what kind of person he is.
 
Hi girl, depending on how deep and how confident u are in your future with ur bf, u can talk to him and convince him to share the burden together. I dun believe money is everything and so what if saved up alot but make everyone unhappy.. Money is meant to spend on meaningful things. Of cos not asking u to squander on banquet and designer gowns but plan for a basic wedding that can satisfy ur parents here.. Im sure they wan a good wedding to marry off their daughter. Ask him to respect ur parents as much as he wans u to respect his. Work out a budget everyone agrees on then go for it..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
when I dated my wife, I was in debt, my account was just a few hundreds. What is important isn't how much savings he has at the moment but what he is doing to plan for a future together. 15 years passed, we are married with 2 kids, debt free. Talk to him, you cannot just hope he will plan. Its something both must take determination and discipline to realize.
 

oooolala

New Member
Hello Kate,

I am writing my comment hoping you dont mind my words in any case it may be of any offence.

But i've a few thoughts while reading your post,

1) You mentioned he don really save, so what did he spend on? Smth he needs monthly or more of a want?
2) When he answered about any plans for both future, he dont, but do you? How fade/bright is it that includes him in your plan? and how confident your plan will work out?
3) If you assume that he will only be ready by 35 with the finances, not to mention about giving birth, have you thought with the savings he saved by then and with yours, able to sustain the near future, supporting both sides families? [and if we talk about giving birth, alot more of $ to dump in]
4) When you mentioned he only plan to have ROM, no celebration, i dont find him selfish but would need to spare a thought for you. He has a cheaper alternative, why not ya? Afterall he don save up much too. Since you said its' a waste of time & money, then why not go ahead with his idea? Holding a small wedding party for close relatives &friends, there are many other alternatives in sg that you can do so. Do some research, I saw many with like minimum 10 tables and its like around 4-5k max. Do-able. =)
5) And erm, no girl will pay for wedding banquet please unless u're doing real those round table minimum 1k then that's different story. but if its' buffet style, please dont.. Not about selfish or what, is more of showing the guy he has the capability to give u a memorable and sweet wedding..



Afterall, I feel, he is standing on his perspective looking at a very near future with you. (My opinions above)

1) He agreed to buy a BTO with you despite the huge amount to downpay at a mature estate, Bidadari (I applied that too, excited and eager to see if my ballot number is successful and small enough to choose a desirable unit =p ). That is quite a huge move on his part i feel.

2) Its good for 2 of you to really sit down and think about expenses spent per month. Where do all these $ go to every month? How to save up more per year? Its not for any future but at least for ownself for a better urgent matter needed if necessary. (That's what my bf did for me, my $ always go nowhere for i duno what i spent on. He sat down with me and discuss every single detail, from a usual similar amount of only save up 2k PER YEAR, like literally duno where it go to. Till now that i track every of my spendings, it helps me save up by controlling on my spending too.. Last year, manage to save up x5 the amount. instead of usual 2k, i managed to save 10k Last year. ) So I advise, do a thorough and detailed expenses excel file for tracking.

3) Set aside a good amount before talking about marrying and giving birth despite age is catching up. Its a matter of choice, Would you want to have a sweet life with your husband with no worries on debts/suffocating bills paying Or struggling with finance and handling growing up baby?

4) Budget-ed wedding venues can be quite easily found in Singapore actually if you're looking into small close places.

5) I feel he dont want to tire you at the end of day too. He is not selfish, in fact, he is being very open and honest to you than to hide all these facts from you and tell you after you married to him. He is doing the right thing i feel. Just that he needs to control spendings and save up more.

Sorry for this long reply but yup =)
 

life_is

Active Member
Hi peeps, this is my very 1st post in this forum. Feeling kinda vexed recently and would like to share my story and seek for advice.

I'm a 30 year old SG female. I have a boyfriend of the same age from Malaysia. We were close friends for about 3 years before we became official in March last year. We have applied for Bidadari BTO in Nov'15 and is now waiting for the ballot results to be released.

My boyfriend is a great guy in my opinion. Except the fact that he is heavily burdened by his financial commitments in Malaysia. He earns a good salary in SG (about $5k) but he hardly has any savings. He told me yesterday about his bank balance (less than 4k) and it has always been at this range. Never increased. I was disappointed of course. Since we have already applied for BTO, shouldn't he start to save up for proposal ring, wedding, renovation) to be taken place in a few years time? Upon knowing his pathetic bank balance, I asked him, are you saving up money for our future? Do you have any plans for our future? He said not at this moment. My heart literally sank to the bottom of the sea. I've got a feeling that he will only be ready by 35. I'm not sure by then, will I be having some difficulties in giving birth.

And he also mentioned that he definitely wouldn't be holding a banquet in SG as it is too expensive. He only plans to have a ROM and that's it. No celebration or anything. He can't afford it. Is he being selfish here? It's like he made this statement without even consulting me. I agree with him for not holding a banquet as I also find it a waste of time n money. I only wish to have a small wedding party with my relatives and friends. I told him if he doesn't want to pay, I will instead. And I think he isn't happy. He said if given a choice, he rather pay for BTO renovation instead of spending on a wedding. Looks like I have to fork out everything for my wedding. Is he sincere about me really? Feeling vexed.

What are his financial commitments? If these are parents, or investments then it makes sense.

It is alright not to have a grand wedding with banquet. Given a choice I would say the same too. All that once in lifetime stuff is only for fairytales. Better to save for renovation than for a wedding package that will give both of you a heavy debt. Doesn't look like he can afford one so don't sign up for a financial burden that will give you a reason to hate each other later on. Critical point is whether he has plans to save and accumulated wealth with you for the future. Do the finances with him as well to make sure you can afford the BTO, otherwise it will be a big problem later. Both of you will need to sit down and work out the numbers. Also, before you get married, go for marriage preparation so you can discuss all the difficult issues with him before deciding to tie the knot.
 

Katejake

New Member
Okay just an update:

Yupz we are still together. Actually, we have not discuss on when we are getting married. I think most likely in Yr 2019. Just only briefly talked about our wedding shoot destination (Cameron Highlands-Malaysia) and honeymoon destination (Bali). As mentioned in my 1st post, there isn’t going to be any banquet. I will be holding an intimate & cosy celebration for my relatives (less than 10 tables I guess) in SG. There definitely won’t be any celebration in Malaysia which I’m ok with it. Cost wise, since it’s a celebration for my relatives, guess I am the one who’s gonna pay for the wedding expenses. Haven’t talked to him about this but I feel he will surely help me out with a little. =)

Housing wise, we have selected a 5-room BTO unit in Bukit Panjang with a comfortable pricing whereas he has bought a 2-storey terrace in Malaysia a few years back. I told him I will settle SG renovation & he, Malaysia renovation. So, all is well for us. =)

Appreciate all the valuable advice given to me. Thanks all. Love & peace always.
 

joyfulheart

New Member
ultimately what matters is you two are happy. actually how you are going to spend your lives after the wedding day is more important. you dont have to throw an extravagant party during the wedding day.
 

jkwedding308

Active Member
Okay just an update:

Yupz we are still together. Actually, we have not discuss on when we are getting married. I think most likely in Yr 2019. Just only briefly talked about our wedding shoot destination (Cameron Highlands-Malaysia) and honeymoon destination (Bali). As mentioned in my 1st post, there isn’t going to be any banquet. I will be holding an intimate & cosy celebration for my relatives (less than 10 tables I guess) in SG. There definitely won’t be any celebration in Malaysia which I’m ok with it. Cost wise, since it’s a celebration for my relatives, guess I am the one who’s gonna pay for the wedding expenses. Haven’t talked to him about this but I feel he will surely help me out with a little. =)

Housing wise, we have selected a 5-room BTO unit in Bukit Panjang with a comfortable pricing whereas he has bought a 2-storey terrace in Malaysia a few years back. I told him I will settle SG renovation & he, Malaysia renovation. So, all is well for us. =)

Appreciate all the valuable advice given to me. Thanks all. Love & peace always.

Glad to hear that things look like they're improving... Just a note of caution: when you both applied for BTO, there would be a section where you tick to declare that you don't own other properties. This would also include overseas properties such as the terrace house your boyfriend owns - if HDB finds out about this, your application will be voided and you may be penalised as well... Just be careful...
 

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