Did i do the right thing?

H

h3artbrok3n

New Member
I've just registered but i've been reading this forums for some months already.

I registered cause i need somewhere to pour out my woes and i just want a listening ear and its so painful to even pen this out right now. Just broke up with her last night.

I reckon i need someplace to express my story out of else i may have a breakdown.

Some of you may find this story stupid as my ex is from Shanghai but does nationality even matters?

We are together for a few months and when we first started out, everything was quite ok. Normal dates and such. But soon i started to realized that all the time i was the one calling/SMSing her and organizing dates and such.

I know that she's the very independent type of girl, who doesn't like to take much initiative into these stuffs but i felt that its getting ridiculous as even if i called her and even if she sees that i had a missed call to her, she doesn't even calls back much much less replies to my SMSes.

Any other normal guy would already know and understand straight away that she's not interested in this relationship but spoken to her alot of times about it and she keeps saying that she's serious into this relationship but her actions says otherwise.

I got so confused that what the hell is going on!? If she says she loves me and why doesn't her action says so otherwise? I got to the point of even finding MYSELF irritating that i need to keep calling and calling and calling her and i did asked her if does she herself finds it irritating and she says not at all. Even to the point of asking her out for dates i have to remind her at least 2-3 times before meeting up cause she will just forgets about it or has other commitments.

I love her so much yet i'm feeling so tired i really dun want to let her go but last night i decided to break off with her as anyone knows that this relationship will never work out if only 1 hand is clapping.

I called her last night 3 times and same as usual she doesn't picks them up and so i SMSed her about it. When she sees the SMS she replied that i'm throwing kid's tantrum and she agreed immidiately to the breakup.

I'm feeling so depressed right now and am still thinking if i really did the right thing by breaking up with her. I'm starting to regret my decision but yet i need all the strength to get over it.

I've even bought her a GUESS wallet for her coming birthday cause i know that she needs it but now its just sitting on my table and i dunno what to do about it.

Being a guy my heart cries but tears just can't flow.
 


I forgot to mentioned also that she get's jealous very easily also. If i'm out with other girls or talks to other girls, she gets quite offended about it.
 
Do the two of you reside in the same country?

Her heart is not with you, that is pretty obvious. As to why she kept saying that she loves you, I don't really know. But my guess is that she may be looking for other aspects that the relationship can offer her. Most probably, she was never interested in your love and attention to her.
 
Don't just take people's words for good, look for congruent behaviour. Love is never made up of sweet words. Love can be easily recognised through actions and behaviours. If these are lacking, then most probably love is absent.
 
Hi Doll. Ya i do agree 100% that action always speaks louder than words. I did talked to her about it quite a few times and she keeps saying that she understands what i meant by it but end up still no change.

I guess that i'm just too tired to carry on with this or maybe i give up too easily. but i still love her very much =(
 
Bro, all the while she has been doin tis to u, i'm sure most of us will know wat to do in short time but u still willing to wait. may i know wat make u so infatuated to her?
 
Naive...relationship amateur...and stupid...

If you can't even read all those signals and signs that you YOURSELF have written out...in your ONE WAY STREET relationship with that woman...then you're really beyond help...

Get over it and move on...you're just being taken for a sucker by that woman
 
do u even know her enough to claim how deep that love is. No critism intended but many of us have gone through this walk and each time, we 'thought' it was such deep love.

But when its all over, u realize its plain emotions and feelings. Its only skin deep. Emotions are over-rated. Relationships is a 2 way channel. It has to be build with good foundation. Because, no matter how STRONG emotions are, it will waiver with time. Emotions are such. Emotions give the drive, sparks and passion but doesn't give the knowledge, understanding and mutual communication channel. It doesn't build anything. It is the individual's commitment and effort to grow the relationship.

If all you cherish in the relationship is NOTHING but prue emotions, then, u haven't really grown the relationship at all. And rightfully, nothing much to cherish except the experience and episode in making you reflect and realize what are your needs. You need a validation of your emotions... Someone that assure you of your presence. That, you make that difference in her life.

This is very normal. Everyone have different level of needs in each aspect. You are still searching for answers on why why why. Frankly, she is just not your cup of tea. I cannot emphasize more the compatibility. You cannot be giving without taking... Its too tiring. Its a matter of time, the tireness will sit in.
 
Initially when we first started. Was still quite ok but she already has this problem already when we first got together.

She dun even calls back to her family back home and also dun often picks up calls from her own friends. she just says that they all look for her and she seldom calls them.

Unfilial_Son: Well i guess it all boils down to chemistry.
 
broken,
I feel that you always have excuse for her...
Since you are unable to let go and wanted to patch back with her again, then go ahead and try. if it doesnt work again this time, then I suggest you let go...

before u call her up to patch back, you must lower your expectation of her...
not calling you etc... forget abt her apptment etc... like this, you will be feel slightly better...

if not, the same cycle goes on again.
 
its very simple... if there is compatibility, u guys would enjoy pleasing each other because its natural to do so.

If the only way to be heppy is for the other to suppress themselves, then the compatibility issues are quite clear liao.

Instead of thinking about the relationship, I would encourage you to spend time to reflect what you really need. Regardless whether u guys patch back or not, what's important it really finding yourself. That's key to happiness. You need to 1st understand yourself before you can communicate and grow together as a couple to fulfill each other needs.

To grow the relationship, it needs synergy. It needs to generate its own energy to renew the passion, drive and sparks to continue the relationship. Because emotions will naturally dry up. This is completely natural cycle. Without the regeneration of new energy within to bringforth new sparks, the breakup is inevitable.
 
Brok3n,

is she here to work on a professional basis (ie banking/nursing/nospitality) or the nite-jobs (ie - ktv)? (dun feel offended, this is Rather impt)

was it a normal dating thing, or started with physical attraction which ended in bed earlier than normal?

dun fret too much... to be honest, it's easier for u to date - being sporean in spore, as compared with foreigners depending on wat capacity they are here as. some job designations may not afford them alot of time to spend in relationship settings... and honestly u seem kinda sticky. also, being from shanghai, she might be more goal-oriented than u, thus her time+focus on relationship and social stuff may not be as much as the average person.

on another note, she could already be with someone else. but this really shouldn't matter... what matters is that u're not getting much information nor time from her, much less commitment. so why not u just drop her outta your mind?

it should be 'She is not the right girl for u', rather than "i'm not the type of guy for her"
 
hi bro,

u wrote : it should be 'She is not the right girl for u', rather than "i'm not the type of guy for her"

Exactly, its not about fitting to whatever seems fit for the gal. There is no way one can be happy without finding himself 1st.
 
Powder: She's here on a normal job basis. and it was a normal thing and no bedding infact happened.

Kickapoo: So how did you handled ur relationship and when did it happened? Would like to know more....maybe you can give me ur msn?
 
on that case then perhaps u can look at her employment situation n work commitments and see if they are such that she does not have a whole lot of time to give u... tho already broken up, i suppose u're looking for a reason... at least get your closure...

some relationships are such... when u are busy, your gfren needs alot of time... when u're free and have time - she might be at a busy stage...

the others have mostly been pointed out... tat she's not that into u... so gotta face it.
 
It could be that she has already gotten another bf. All the signs are there - she does not initate dates, does not pick up your calls, does not call you back, does not repy your smses and agreed immediately to a break-up.

You are a nice guy. You deserve a girl who loves you sincerely. Please move on. All the best.
 
either there's a culture difference,
she's just making use of you,
getting jealous could be that she felt her pride was hurt,
or she's got many other boyfriends.

she's not suitable for you. drop the r/s while it's only a few months. get someone who deserves you.
cheer up.
good luck
 
Yes, you did the right thing by breaking off.. don't think so much.. there shouldn't be too much pain.. what you have gone through nothing lah.. just move on in live..

anyway shanghai girls are not easy to handle..
 
ha ha shanghai girls are taller than those in the south.. so proportionally .. yes, maybe smaller waist.

But it is their "mind" that is more scary.. i think they are "too smart" for the typical sg guys.
 
hi broken,

maybe u can add me in msn because i m also another broken guy
sad.gif
pmed u
 
Oh for fcuk sake...

What do we have here now?
A bunch of guys grouping together and weeping over gals that broke their hearts now?

Get a grip and move on...what a disgrace...
 
She won't...

I mean why even in the first place mourns over a relationship when IT WASN'T EVEN FREAKING there in the first place?

How do you EVEN call THAT a relationship?
Getting depressed over something that wasn't even real?
I'm not too sure about the group dynamics of a group of broken hearted guys wailing and weeping over a broken relationship? It's a deeply disturbing image for me to even visualise...

I had a friend who went into a 1 year depression after he got dumped by his gf...It took a bunch of SANE minded guys to drag him up before he even got better...I seriously doubt that a group of men who's suffering from heartbreak is going to be ANY HELP to their general mental health...

I'm seriously interested in what they are going to discuss on their MSN gathering...
 
Compare who got it worse from ex-gf I guess. Even as a woman I don't believe in such "group therapy". Face the music is a faster and surer way to recovery.
 
A little bitching here and there is normal and OK.. but can't be every time also bitch about the same old thing all over again and again
 
A little bitching here and there is definitely OK but you can bitch to your friends, not necessarily to people suffering the same plight mah, which may end in bashing the ex-es.
 
don't know.. but people normally like to bitch to the same people who share the same plight.

bitch to friends? they probably may not entertain you..
 
Everyone have their own ways to recovery. As long as it doesn't go beyond a healthy period, it is fine.

There are losers in life that whine and becomes sour for life. That's a SAD life.

I have seen such losers whinning throughout their reservist. Very irritating.
 
Exactly...

What they should be seeking for is not the same company of men who are in the same situation!

What is it going to achieve? Besides wallowing in more misery and ending up hating women...

If that friend of mine did not have friends like me who slaps him awake, he would still have been stuck in that depression cycle of his!
What he needs is not people to take pity on his plight! It should be someone who can drag them out of the pit of misery that they are currently in...

Turning to people who are in the same pit bottom as you? How is that going to help?
This group is just going to dig and dig til the pit becomes deeper...making it harder and harder for people to extend a helping hand to get them out...

And that applies to BOTH genders! Not just guys...
 
we've been thru this haven't we? 2 groups of pple... the empathisers and the movers... half the time the empathisers will tell the movers that they dun understand.. they too harsh.. blah blah.. Classic being "it's easy for u to say cos u're not the one" followed by the "we women" "why us" sh!t...

then the movers will have to go thru this whole cycle of explaining... siong! but tat's wat these pple need... they need explanation, they need to know why, they need to know why Again, and again, and again, and again... then they ask why Again! and u explain to them again, and again, and again...

when they run out of it, freshly-heartbroken pple appear to create a new but familiar environment, so they get to ask Again, explain Again and go round and round...

well i think just let the different types of pple speak their piece and not have to wack each other lor... like how some pple find me harsh, sarcastic blah blah... it's not like they are bothered to advise in the first place... they just want the world to be this perfect environment where birds chirp in the morning and flows bloom...

cute biscuits anyone?
 
actually i have not finished...

movers are not movers becos they are heartless nor have no feelings. in fact it takes Alot of wisdom to see thru life and be a mover... i'm sure there are pretenders, but read into the words and u'd know if a person is speaking with wisdom or speaking heartlessly.

i'm not sure if some of u noticed, but there are forummers here who are facing the same problems today tat they were facing 3yrs ago... it's not uncommon to see they start a thread 2-3yrs later with the same set of problems...

so what happened? well - they fell for the empathizing trap, it made them feel better, they decide to try again. and again. and again.

try to be a dutiful good wife and waste your love on a gambling good-for-nothing husband... empathy does not work. Where u have access to all the aspects and Life in its entirety - look at a more rounded picture and then look at Yourself. and make That Decision. it's not tat difficult.

what makes it diffuclt is pple dragging u back in! by their way of empathy... sympathy even! they throw u the What Ifs, Maybes and u are keen to grab their reason n empathy... cos grabbing that allows one to stay in that familiar (though painful) environment. Humans fear change and tend to stay in the familiar . that's life, if one does not even understand these, how does one be effective in anything?
 
Misery loves company lah ref. to the broken-hearts gathering. A friend went through a break-up with a bf about the same time I found out about my husband's infidelity. Each time I try to be positive about things, she shoots it down with man-bashing statements. In the end, I figured she just needed someone to whine with her and since I couldn't and didn't want to go that way, I decided to keep my distance. Quite mean of me I guess, but I wanted to save my sanity first.
 
broken,
actually, if i'm the person on the receiving end of ur relationship, i'll be very very tired and will lost interest in the relationship pretty fast.

i guess for ur next relationship, try to trust ur partner more & get on with ur own life. i believe ppl shd come together only as complementary strength. not when one side always need assurance of the relationship
 


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