Depressed...Suspect Wife Cheating

powder

Active Member
dazedconfused,

betrayal hurts, it has hurt for as long as the first betrayal of Man occured. everyone would have gone thru it at one point of their life, so if u have any maturity, u'd Understand that u are not an exclusive recipient.

It's ok to be sad that years invested into this relationship is gone, but investing further emotions into it is not gonna make the investment suddenly turnaround. whether she is willing to make any effort to salvage depends entirely on whether she wants to or not... u want her to have This feeling becos u want the relationship, but u must also Realilse that she Doesn't want it.

dun mind me, but a guy who says this, "When I am alone and start reminiscing about our old memories, I will start tearing." - would be precisely the kind of guy she Doesn't want.

while u may wonder if i understand, i can tell u that u are the one more in Need to understand than me, since u're the one having issues, Not me. the whole point behind "Understanding" something, is to actually be able to let go and move on... if u cannot move on, then u are the one who has not achieved Understanding, not me nor anyone else here.

U are the only One here who thinks that the guy has something to do with her decision... the truth is, it is not The guy, but it is every guy who isn't u, who can be The guy... and this is so becos u are no longer her type of guy. anyone who isn't u, will stand a better chance than u... and anyone like u, will stand as little chance as u.

She is Not blaming it totally on the fact that she has no more feelings for u... she is merely reiterating a fact which u have difficulty Understanding and choose to see it otherwise. if she admits to the adultery, are u willing to admit to yourself that u are No Longer the guy she desires to be with?

What options can there be pertaining to divorce which isn't the divorce itself? just free her from You, and free yourself from this...

u are still far from enlightenment.
 


clark

New Member
"U are still far from enlightenment"

??????? Since when have you (powder) became Buddha? This is simply ridiculous.

Dazedconfused, give yrself the time to grieve, the time to cry. It is a due process u have to go thru. You just need to know that u will come out of this situation no less than anybody less. Time will heal.

There are ups and downs in everybody life. You need to remember the pple around you that still care and love you for who you are. Seek comfort in that.
 

opalstar

New Member
"She is blaming it totally on the fact that she has no more feelings for me. Would you believe this?"

Yes.

"I am just sad that years invested into this relationship is gone just like that"

Eh.. this is not a capital guarantee financial product. Gone is gone le... Bo bian. face it up.

"she is not willing to make the least bit of an effort to try to salvage this"
How you know..? You don't even KNOW what went wrong in the marriage. People can be tired of trying.

You don't even know she didn't want kids. Where is the Communication in the relationship? If you don't even know what went wrong, your "attempts" to salvage the relationship could backfire.

It can be harder for most woman to be unfaithful (emotionally/physically) if she loved her husband to death.

Sorry to know that she had betrayed you (at the very least emotionally).. but face the fact, you might not have helped in the relationship either.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
dazed, your anger and emotions are completely normal. You will take time to get to terms with reality. However, in the long term, holding on blames and resentments isn't going to do you any good.

Everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness. Priorities differ, people change. This is a fact of life. Respect differences. If you guys have grown apart. Let go and move on.

Don't keep harping on the 'rights' and 'wrongs'. No one live perfect lives. Spending all your time to judge how wrong she was isn't going to value add to your life. You assumed that she didn't try. She could have been trying for all these while with you totally clueless. Even without this affair, it seems both of u have separate lives. Its a matter of time, u guys will drift apart.
 

ajumma

New Member
I don't think tearing at the happy memories is pathetic, dazed. You're a human with emotions and feelings. Write a letter to her with all your feelings and what you're thinking about now. Give it to her.

If your intention is to try to salvage, getting angry with her, blaming and laying the guilt on her or the guy is not going to help. It will only turn her off and make her even more sure that you're not what she wants.

However, it takes two. So if she doesn't want to salvage despite your best efforts, you'll have to let go. But no harm trying your best.

Take care. I know you feel terrible now, but you'll be alright.
 

powder

Active Member
kent,

the word 'enlightenment' was not created for the sole purpose of Buddhism, nor to be used with Buddha.

just becos u are stupid, dun drag others into the same level of understandng u have for the language.

i have yet to see u post anything of value that can really help pple...
 

powder

Active Member
i have yet to see u ever make a point in the first place... so saying things like "point proven" is not gonna con pple into thinking u actually made any point.

u must really idolise me to be chasing my every post and adding something of absolutely no value to it except to call me a guru, and glorify me...

u have the same mentality of those bums in small indonesian towns who do nothing except create uproars over every matter tat is not in line with religious ways.
 

ajumma

New Member
powder,

Notice that most of us have been ignoring this person's posts. Keep it that way. This person is just like the fool or joker of this forum. Adding in negative words to confuse others, but not really offering much in advice.

I have read enough books on depression and relationships and I know that the surest way to dig a grave for yourself is to wallow in self-pity and the surest way to kill off your chances of salvaging a marriage is to unleash the whole extent of your anger on the cheating spouse.

So you make good points, powder. Ignore those who have nothing worthwhile to contribute.
 

denise80

Active Member
dazedconfused,

I think subconsciously, you rather wished she admited to adultery so that you would feel better on your side since the blame would be more on her than on you. However, if she claimed that it's because she lost her feelings for you, you would then have to 'share' that responsibility somehow. The latter is what you didn't want to contemplate. I may be wrong but that's how I feel. I think for your mental health and well-being, for now, just place the blame entirely on her...when you slowly heal from your wounds, then do a self-reflection before you fall in love again in future. It may have to do with your poor judgement of people to begin with, your insensitivity to a lot of signals she's been sending, communication breakdown along the way, weak will on her part etc etc. All these don't matter now because you need to be kind to yourself first. Think about it only when you've healed. All the best.
 

clipperjunk

New Member
at the very least the decision has been made for you...it'll be a cliche to say move on but the fact is just that...wrap up this chapter and write a new one....best wishes...
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Hi All,

Thank you to those for your kind and comforting comments. You know who you are. I am coming to terms with the loss. No doubt I still feel sad and depressed but I have lined up a lot of activities for myself to keep my mind occupied. Perhaps it because I anticipated all this that it did not come as a surprise which would have hit me undoubtedly harder. I have been through break ups and I am sure this is no different, time will heal the wounds.

For those who have harsh comments and you know who you are, I totally understand your intentions may be good and you may be trying to knock some sense into me. But it is akin to a silly guy who has been beaten up badly and then getting beaten up again for being silly. Surely you don't pay money to see counsellors and psychologists only for them to give you a piece of their mind? I don't know whether you understand what I am saying and I really don't wish to invite anymore harsh comments.

Life will go on for me and I am sure of that. Thanks again to those who have given me your kind comments. Bless you.
 

clark

New Member
The guru (powder) is too self-absorbed to realise that he is an ass.

Take care dazed. You are well on the road to recovery. Ignore the 'enlighted one'.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
no wonder u hv eyes but u CAN'T see...

cos such close-mindedness...

there is NO victim in this marriage. nobody is blameless.

gd luck to u.
 

powder

Active Member
well dazedconfused,

if u're not too pleased with harsh truths, u should just say it... that is precisefly one of the contributing factors to who u are, and why your wife isn't too keen on u as a lifelong partner.

find me lies in what i say else accept them as truths and facts. the quality of life u will have, the type of women u will eventually meet, the kind of relationship problems u will face... they do not end with this marriage. they are a direct result of who u are, how u handle matters, how u approach life etc...

if u think 1 bad end entitles u to a new good beginning, then u'll be in for more angst in life. i know many who go thru 1 bad relationship after another, wondering why the heavens are so unfair to them... but they fail to see that it is precisely the heaven's way of showing them what they shouldn't do.

instead of learning, they still insist on hitting brick walls and going abt their way not knowing why the same things seem to repeat themselves...

your wounds can heal, but if u still wanna play with fire and knives without putting more effort into preparing yourself, u will go thru the same cycle again.

if u're walking out of this not knowing where u were wrong, u will never know how to get it right.

whatever u said abt how u will get out of it and all that... it's pretty much bull. between a beautiful lie and an ugly truth, u know exactly which your choice is... and since it is in u to choose beautiful lies, dun expect future partners to ever be able to be honest and truthful to u becos it is in u to be unable to take it.

this time, u have no choice... next time, u will be having no choice too. it will not change becos u will not.
 

whitelv

New Member
hi dazed

i come from the other side of the fence and still battling to resolve things. to me, adultery stems from smth missing from the relationship. if your wife was contented with the marriage, if everything was great, i think she wouldn't consider hving an affair with someone else. you can try to fix things through marriage counselling. if not, actually it is much better to let go from the start rather than drag on for too long.

the biggest headache would be telling your family and friends and getting them to accept whats happening. *sighs* all the best
 

fraiii

Member
tend to agree with Peas on this... the diff part is facing the "what happend" question... and then u dunno how to answer them
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Thanks peas and lost, I have tried to salvage the relationship but failed. Now accepted it although still very depressed. Sobbed like crazy when I was looking at our wedding album.

You are totally right peas. Hard to explain to friends, relatives, colleagues...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
not entirely true that something must be missing from the relationship. There are push and pull factor. Even in a complete relationship, our needs and wants don't end. This is human. We are never fully satisfied. GREED and LUST is part of human nature.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"Hard to explain to friends, relatives, colleagues..."

It's your life.....you don't have to give details if you don't want to or are not ready. In fact, there is nothing wrong to be generic about the situation.
 

powder

Active Member
there's no need to explain to everyone... u can just share when u're ready to, but not Explain... u dun owe explanations, but just keeping those close pple who care for u - in the loop.
 
Well AT LEAST U DID HAD GREAT MOMENT WITH HER BEFORE AND U DID LOVE HER BEFORE.

and yes dave your wife don't love u anymore and it's time to let her go. be a man, forgive and forget and move on in life.

I can say it's not easy but what's your choice. unless u can accept the facts she cheated on you before and you are willing to forget about it and keep her. cherish her, make her happy as per your vows when u r.o.m with her, else if you can forget it, and your self ego is too high, then u should leave it.

no human is perfect and maybe she found someone who she is sure she want to be with and she's sure about it and she really want to leave u, then let it be.

Ask yourself do u still love her? Ask her does she still love u? if yes. then forgive everything and move on.

if either party, the answer is NO. then find a lawyer and disolve the wedding contract. yes it's only a contract which can be break off easily with as low as $2000 lawyer fee.

from what you typed, I can see that you don't love her anymore. and someone now love her more then you. you become a HINDER between the 2 lover. sadly to say you will be a big rock blocking other people's happiness.

It's valentine day today.

I just wanna say Cherish the moments with your love one today, end all unneccassary conflicts, hug her, kiss her and sayang her. because when one day when she's gone, either by death, or change of heart, u will never get to have her again.

many some conflicts add up to a big crack in the heart ...

I know it's hard for u to accept it. win her back, or let her go. blue pill or red pill.

but to win her back, first your love for her must win the self ego in you. try thinking back of the happy moment with her.

else everything can be settle in $2000.





Happy Valentine Day everyone. wheather u are single, or just breaken off, or are considering breaking off. or your angel is waiting for u in heaven.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Dazedconfused,

It does not matter why the marriage breaks down.. or the reasons given by her. It is gone and you have to learn to accept it.

Will it help if she kneels down and takes all the blame and says that she causes the marriage to break down.. the result is still the same..

And what is there to explain? If you have any children - yes, then maybe seeking their understanding.. because they will be directly impacted. For other people - even parents - if they are good parents they will support whatever that is good for you. If they don't support you, whatever you are going to explain is also useless.
 

powder

Active Member
problem with explaining is that some pple have the tendency to be the good guy, seldom the bad guy... so the other person becomes the 'baddie', so to speak...

remaining silent protects all party. reasons can be as simple as a major communication hurdle or that we have different goals in life now.
 

nichie

Member
Sorry, why people felt uneasy or difficult to explain to others if they divorced, is it because it reflected a certain shortcoming of a person character? Do we feel inferior or faulted ourselves where we felt we are not even attractive enough as a husband or wife that our the other half have to seek comfort or love from other man or woman? May be its precisely this point that we felt we are a failure as a person and spouse….yes…its difficult to admit and openly talk about such thing….it concern our ego, self-worth and respect...divorce is still being viewed negatively in our society….there is still a stigma attached to a divorcee…..many parents still cannot accept their daughters/sons having a divorcee as bf or gf or marrying one….

To me, divorce is a very personal thing, why should we explain to anyone beside our parents.
 

denise80

Active Member
I believe it's not about a person's ego, self-worth or pride. More like, we didn't want people to probe because it would stir up feelings of unhappiness. Any sensitive being should take heed by not probing. The last we want is for the divorcee to start to self-pity whenever they have to 'explain' the situation to others.
 

simpleman

Active Member
People who are uncomfortable with their divorce status will probably remain so. I can't speculate the reasons - it could be personal.

But I don't feel the need to have any reason. I am divorced but I don't talk about it. But I have no problem talking about it if it is necessary.

It is not about pride or ego or self-worth. Yes, these may be the initially feelings but it will go away pretty fast. We are not defined by our marital status. A divorce may not be a personal failure. Yes, it is the dissolution of a marriage but it can be viewed positively. It is the end of one journey and it can be a start of another.

And no. We don't even need to explain to our parents let alone other people. The only people that we need some understanding are our children (if we have) because they are directly affected. Our parents are not affected, our relatives and friends are not affected, our colleagues are not affected in any way. If people want to talk about it as a show of concern - that is fine. Otherwise, we just smile and move on.

Is there any stigma associated with divorcees? If there is it is us, the society as a whole. But then do we need to care too much about what others are thinking?

And regarding stirring up of feelings of unhappiness. I don't know.. is there a problem. Feelings of unhappiness can be stirred by anything.. if we can't manage it then well.. it means the divorce still weighing on us..

The problem with this thinking is that we are viewing divorce as a major failure in life. Do our lives end there - right after the divorce. Or do we pick up and move on?
 

powder

Active Member
in the past where sex was pretty much taboo and between married couples, i can understand if u have stigmas which sort of indicates a divorcee, especially ladies, is no longer a virgin and with that - comes a 'stigma'. but u have gotta be ultra-conservative to let that haunt u in any way in today's context.

if we combine that with the stigma of 'failure' that locals are so adverse to... then perhaps we get this overall feeling whereby u feel 'lesser'. But should u? and nobody should make u feel lesser either.

we are defined by more than just our marital statuses... in fact that should not even be a defining factor.
 

whitelv

New Member
i think it's v hard to explain to family and friends who associate divorce with something v bad and esp if they expect the relationship to last on forever.

And if you dont tell them the details, they will ask many questions or think u don't respect them if u don't tell them (referring to v close family members).

dazed: if she is bent on divorce then u just hv to let her go and hope that she is happy. isnt that what loves all about? she has to be happy and you have to be happy for yourself too.
 

dazedconfused

New Member
I am going to make one final attempt to try to win back my wife. I have been inspired by a story of a husband who went back to his wife which I read in another thread.
 

powder

Active Member
i hope it includes perhaps, having a different outlook from what u were... cos if fundamnetals remain undesired... then the attempts would just be more a self-learning curve. well u have nothing to lose, but i do have a feeling u will lose sorely if u do...

i hope it's more than a shorterm inspiration, but a lifelong shift in mindset.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
well, do keep us posted.

i wish u best of luck
happy.gif
 

opalstar

New Member
Good luck. You may not believe all e words that had been given here but I sure hope u can consider the words when forming a plan to get her back..

The road is tough and bumpy ahead. From e heart, wish you luck in succeeding if you take upon e challenge
happy.gif
 

60secs

Member
White discharge? It's just normal vaginal discharge. Don't be too alarmed, sg females are basically still a very conservative bunch. Even if the worse case scenario happen that she's having an affair that night, it would be near impossible for her to do it without protection.

Imo it probably doesn't sound like she's cheating. More likely she is flirting? Has a work-husband so she prefers staying back at work?

Sex life..there are some women who doesn't like sex, maybe she's one of them? Maybe she doesn't want to have kids yet so she doesn't want to have sex? Well, that's one of the many complains my male friends have. SO i think it's pretty normal.

How long have you been married? Coz it sounds like she's still enjoying her single life but you are very very married. I would suggest you stop being paranoid, give trust to your wife and work on pt no. 5 Communication!
 
60secs. u r 60 century away from the story already.

Thread Starter already said wife is seeing another guy and is in the process of divorcing already.

White discharge = sperm lo. like i said she had enough sex outside so in house no need already.
 

dragon64

New Member
Jefferson, i think you're 600 century away from the story as well...

Didnt you see the last post from TS that he is making an attempt to reconcile with his wife?

Perhaps u are happy to see others to be in ur same shoes so that you are not alone....
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Thank you to all for your advice. I will not be providing anymore updates or asking for opinions any longer. This will be my last post in this thread and possibly forever in this forum.

I am aware of an arsehole named 67secs that likes to post excerpts of threads here (mine included) on and off in the Channelnewsasia Market Talk forum where people like to talk rubbish. It certainly didn't feel good at all reading some of the responses from people who were joking about my problems. I really don't know what to say about this person. While people are posting some genuine personal problems here, this person cuts and paste responses from the thread starter with God knows what intention. Probably to attract attention or get people in the forum to have a good laugh. Definitely not to help, that much I am sure.

Anyway, thanks to all those who had kind (or harsh) words and advice. Take care and bless you.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
rite, 60秒 is an attention seeking whore...

we knew abt that long long time ago...

dun get upset and take gd care of urself too
happy.gif
 

powder

Active Member
didn't know abt that forum... no worries, for every 10mins u spend solving your problem, at least u know the 10mins is for u and u alone... for betterment of your life.

as for pple like the one u mentioned... i guess they've lost hope of solutions, thus reveling in your problems... and doing fuckall for their own.

shall go see that forum now...
 

powder

Active Member
found it.

that's the joker who has little substance over here... similar to the midget clark.

it'll be nice to see them when time comes for them to be Judged after death...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
what credit has a joker that insists he is a virgin screwing around with a condom? This chap has no credibility in his words.
 

opalstar

New Member
Why he did that for? Honestly, what did 60secs hope to gain out of this?

I hope Karma exist and will bite him in the Ass. One day , at his most vulnerable stage, someone he thought he trust will spill the darkest secret to a totally inappropriate audience. The audience will make a mockery out of his pain.

At the moment, i hope he will recall this incident and know how others felt!
 

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