Depressed...Suspect Wife Cheating

dazedconfused

New Member
I am very depressed and unable to sleep as I really suspect my wife is cheating on me. There are some signs shown which led to my suspicions but I am unable to obtain any proof. I have listed the signs below. Appreciate if someone can tell me whether I am being paranoid or I have just cause.

1) Her job function has changed and she is suddenly working extremely long hours sometimes over the weekends. Asked her why and she said her new Department is very busy

2) Keeps spending a lot of time with her colleagues and friends barely any time with me. Goes out with them and comes home quite late

3) See her messaging very often and sometimes late in the night

4) Non existent sex life

5) Not much communication

6) Doesn't want to have a baby with me

I became even more paranoid when I checked her underwear and found a whitish sticky substance. God knows what it is. Her period came one or two days after this discovery. Is this normal?!

I have a strong suspicion the evidence I need is in her phone but I am unable to access it as I do not know her password.

I know I sound very paranoid but its because I love her and feel very sad and not knowing what is going on is driving me crazy. I don't dare to confront her about my suspicions as I am worried she starts hiding it even more and if I even need proof, it will be harder to get.

Really appreciate some advice on what I should do.

(Private Investigators please don't message me, if I really need your services I will look for one)
 


ajumma

New Member
Hi, I remember you from your previous posts. Sorry that the problem is still ongoing.

I'm no PI, but didn't it occur to you to scout out her workplace? Call her office at the time when she says she is working and ask her whether she wants you to send supper over. That way, you will know whether she's telling the truth about having to work late.

You could also turn up at her office during the weekends when she says she is working. You could tell her you were just passing by.

By the way, the whitish sticky substance could be vaginal discharge. If so, it's normal for women.

I hope your wife is not cheating, but you've to stay strong and be prepared.
 

pantieileen

New Member
hmm...probably doesn't sound like she's cheating. More likely she is flirting? Has a work-husband so she prefers staying back at work?

Sex life..there are some women who doesn't like sex, maybe she's one of them? Maybe she doesn't want to have kids yet so she doesn't want to have sex? Well, that's one of the many complains my male friends have. SO i think it's pretty normal.

How long have you been married? Coz it sounds like she's still enjoying her single life but you are very very married.

Sorry but i find it funny that you are checking her underwear. BTW, the white discharge after her period means her ovulation is coming so erm, time to xxx and make humans
 

opalstar

New Member
Root cause of 1-6 : explained by her being busy at work. To determine if she is really busy at work or not... Just do an impromptu show up at her workplace during weekend. Tell her you are passing by and will like to have dinner.. if she say she is busy, then wait one hr and show up with dinner..That may not sit too well with her if she is really busy at work and felt embarassed...

Another indirect way.. call her cell.. and pretend her cell cannot hear clearly , say you got something to ask her, can call back using landline (do not use the word officephone)? I am pretty sure you will know the landline extension of her company rite?

root cause for white discharge..: Like Ajumma state.. it is normal for woman to have discharge.. Sounds a little creepy when u start checking her underwears.. though
 

powder

Active Member
why not just ask her in a sensitive manner rather than go on peropherals on her longer working hours?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
why did your relationship with your wife gone so cold? When did the communication stop?

About white discharge. Haven't heard of vaginal discharge? It can be anything. And if she is having an affair, it would be damn stupid for her to do it without protection.
 

pantieileen

New Member
Maybe he's thinking in the lines of STI.. but still gross to check her underwear. I wouldn't even touch my bf underwear. Imagine the smell and gunk!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Discharge can be really very common and normal. Having more discharge before period is not something to be surprise. It could be anything from normal discharge, yeast infection or STI. So, why will some white discharge make him paranoid??

How long has this man married his wife? Basic women hygiene stuffs, he has never realized all these while??
 

opalstar

New Member
Yeah.. Really gross....

Er what is STI? some form of STD? The only STI i know is Strait Time index.. but I don't think you are talking about that.

Haiyoh. cannot blame la, some guys are totally cluesless about women hygiene... but still.. -_-..
 

nichie

Member
Keke...milo..you sure know a lot about woman stuff but don't assume every man is like you ok...some quite ignorant..may be dazed is not checking on STD in the underwear but male semen...but dazed...you need CSI lab to do it...really funny...first time hear tht people dig into woman's underwear to check whether she is having abt affair...
 
If base on the first 5 signs (6th not applicable as we already have our darling little gal), and if i am as paranoid as you, I would have gone bonkers donkey years ago...

My hubby is required to work at any time of the day and any day of the year, weekends and public holidays inclusive. Given his work nature, he can easily have EMA. But i believe that he's genuinely working even if he goes out middle of a weekend night citing that he got job to do.

It all boils down to the one basic thing... and that's TRUST.

From the way you digs for evidence, basically you deemed your wife as guilty unless proven innocent. And this is going to be ENDLESS, for it's gonna take a lifetime til your wife step foot into her grave to be proven innocent by you!

I would suggest you stop being paranoid, give trust to your wife and work on pt no. 5 Communication!
 

dracano

New Member
The points listed by the TS do not seem to point to an affair to me. However, what's obvious is that your marriage is giving warning signs, especially Point No. 5. A marriage without adequate communication is not a healthy one.

Instead of getting paranoid over all these, work on taking the initiative to start conversations and communicating.

What industry is your wife in? Has she been career-minded all these while? If she has been a workaholic, then what's happening now shouldn't be a big surprise to you.
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Thank you for your comments. Regarding the underwear part, my suspicion is that she was making out with a guy and knowing guys, his finger wandered down there and started rubbing...hence the stain. I only checked cos she came back really late one night and I had a strong feeling that she was with a guy before that. (I have reasons for my suspicion as well)

I can't scout out her workplace. Its secured and she will know that I'm there only because I suspect her cos I've never been there in so many years. I don't want to let her know that I'm suspecting her of infidelity. I need to see what is inside her phone as I believe my answers are there but I don't know how get access to it.

I hate and don't want to be paranoid but I can't help it. Its not exactly a very nice feeling. I have tried communicating and have also hinted that I am feeling very neglected lately but she does not seem to bother.

I can only pray that I don't start asking for advice on divorce in future.
 

powder

Active Member
dude,

i think it's more painful to stay in suspicion and not be able to do anything about it...

i just want to point out to the simple fact that u stay with this unknown By Choice...

i am sure there is a way for u to approach this question with her without causing pain, especially if u are so certain abt it... u may look stupid if u're all wrong abt it, but it's better to feel stupid and know the truth, than to feel frustrated and know nothing...

which is the lesser of 2 evils? it's likely to drag a long while for u... when time is an essential part of life u could have spent on places or things or pple more constructively...

sometimes it's necessary to bite the bitter pill.

and pls be strong... coming together and being apart are all choices that any individual can make... it takes 2 to be together, and just 1 to separate... it has never been your choice even with a marriage cert.

Respect that.
 

powder

Active Member
some pple are so afraid of making mistakes, getting things wrong... that they suspect, think, hope, wish, try luck etc etc....

it's not like u are walking happily in a wonderful frame of mind.

learn to risk a little, try a little, talk a little, fall down a little, get slapped a little, get it wrong sometimes...

by avoiding wrong, u are not exactly getting it right...

by avoiding confrontation, u are not exactly in a peaceful frame,

u gotta learn to make a decision, than to avoid one.
 

ajumma

New Member
dazed,

About the vaginal discharge, it's easy to see the difference between pre period discharge and discharge from arousal. The later one will make the panties more wet if she is, as you claimed, with a guy. If you only see a little discharge, it's most likely due to the normal vaginal discharge.

You can't check her workplace but you can call her at her office, isn't it?

You could also go up to her when she is smsing at night and ask her straight out who she is messaging.

Look over her shoulder to look at the phone message if you have to.
 

opalstar

New Member
I have my sympathies for you for feeling insecure during these month (Nov - Now). But hello, take some actions?

Either a)you ask her directly, b) get someway to check her phone, c) indirect methods to vouch for her whereabouts...

But beware..I can't speak for the rest of the ladies.. but I will be EXTREMELY pissed off if my man ask me (no matter how nicely) if I am having an affair..Be prepared for a fight..

If you don't mind me asking.. Is your wife currently earning more or she had a steeper career progression that you? Women can be everybit as careerminded as the men..
 
white substance? that's sperm of course. and her period come 2 days after it, that mean she know her "safe period". before period come 2 days u can let the guy cum into a woman.

she have already had enough sexual lift outside so when she's back, she doesn't need anymore.

how long have you 2 been married? no children, because she doesn't want to have 1 with you. she know when have 1 with you, it'll be dam hard to leave you.

Hiring a P.I is a must. get evidence. then file for improper behavior, cheating and this and that, then she can't get the maintenance from you.

else now no proof, if you suspect her, then she file against u under abuse, improper behavior, untrust against her. then she will get maintenance from you, 1/2 of the flat and other more.

so it's time for you to wake up, accept what's going on and prepare what'll be heading your way.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
well, it's a 50-50 situation...

and u will be doing urself (& ur marriage) a HUGE disservice if u make that enquiry sounds like an accusation.

so, u might like to back it up with concrete evidence.

AND i dun call that spying.

u need to verify...

it's Morally Legitimate to do so.
 

dracano

New Member
I second matka's comment.

I can't help but feel Mr Jefferson here is out to break other people's marriages and finding satisfaction from it?
 

pantieileen

New Member
Technically you can track her location with your own phone. BB or iPhone. Unless she's working in places like Gombak that can only use non-camera phones? But i think you still can track her location. This should be free.

Just so you know i don't track my other half and he doesn't track me either but i know another person that always track me coz he'll send me a googlemap of my location. quite freaky . i don't know how he do it but i know it's possible.
 

renerene

New Member
I thought that was good reverse psychology from Jefferson.
TS sounds like he's bent on finding support to confirm his fear. The lack of evidence on his wife's infidelity is killing him. Think he is likely to stay depressed if he finds no evidence in her phone, cos then he will have no reason to attribute his wife disinterest in him.
 

nichie

Member
No point guessing, complaining or worrying, if you cant find out the reason yourself, get a PI to do it, its better to know the truth early rather than held in suspense.
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Dear All, most appreciative of your words, kind or harsh. No right or wrong in this.

My worst fears have already been confirmed. You cannot imagine the crap reasons I heard. I will post them when I am feeling better. Now feeling lost. Got to take things one step at a time now.
 

ajumma

New Member
She was having an affair?

Really sorry for this turn of events. Dazed, please take care. She doesn't deserve you.
 

opalstar

New Member
Result out le.. Good for you although I am sorry to hear that it is not the answer you want to hear.

At a time like this, you may want to find someone close to talk to.. rather than wander around alone..
 

dracano

New Member
Take care and remember to always look on the bright side of things; no point being pessimistic and doing harm to yourself.
 

dazedconfused

New Member
She told me that she has only held hands with the guy. Also, she says its because she has changed and even if it was not this guy, it might have been another one. Basically, she's using the "it's not you, it's me" trick on me.

I find all this a bit hard to swallow and believe. Would you if you were me?

I believe that cracks were in the relationship but this guy's appearance added a lot of the fuel to the fire. Naturally, she denies this. From her perspective, I think it sounds a whole lot nicer to say you are leaving because there is no love as opposed to cheating right.

She is really scheming as before she even told and confessed to me about everything, she had already done her checks with HDB on whether it is possible sell the flat.

Another horrible thing is I know who the bastard is. It is very sad for me that she has took our marriage vows so lightly to the extent that she does not even want to try or make an effort to resolve things.

After all this, she's clearly feeling very guilty and saying she still treats me as a friend. Do you think after all these I should even talk to her?
 

opalstar

New Member
"After all this, she's clearly feeling very guilty and saying she still treats me as a friend. Do you think after all these I should even talk to her?"

,,, are you 5 years old? what do you mean by do you want to talk to her... even if you want to divorce, still have to open your mouth right? If you want to work it out.. then of course..more talking and talking..

I have since re-read the post in Nov. sounds like you didn't understand your wife very well.
1) Lack of communication
2) Lack of a common goal in life.. you want kids, she doesn't. She wanted to focus on career. you say why so much money.. (lack of support)
3) Lack of trust.

There is a high probability that her love for you had dampened.
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
Dazed: I think its a blessing tat u finally know the truth now. Though i'm sure it hurts cos it dashes all ur hopes, but at least u stop having the confusion n wild tots.

For now, u gota ask urself wat u truly want. Can u accept her unfaithfulness? Chances are she is lying about the holding hands part. Doesnt really matter wat reasons she gives now cos she has already broken the trust n vows she took. If u still love her n want tis marriage, u must be prepared to forgive her actions n work tgr to rebuild ur marriage. If u have lost faith in her n see no light in tis marriage, then make plans for a divorce n stand ur ground to have a fair n swift process.

Whether to stay as frens is not impt. Think about urself n ur life first.
 

ajumma

New Member
Dazed,

Don't take her word for it that she has only held hands with the guy. It would be gullible to believe that, unless your wife has always been a very conservative woman.

Do you wish to divorce? If so, you might want to visit a lawyer to find out more.

I would like to give your wife the benefit of the doubt. But when love has ended, there is no guarantee that things won't turn ugly. You should protect yourself and your rights.

Although calling the other man "bastard" now may help you to release your anger, I would like to remind you that it takes two hands to clap. Don't blame the failure of your marriage entirely on the third party.

You are responsible for the failure of your marriage by not working things out sooner. Your wife is responsible for the failure of the marriage by not trying to regain back the love when she lost it.

Most of this has nothing to do with the third party, who might've fanned the flames, but if your marriage was strong to begin with, he would never have had a chance.

You have to accept the responsibility and not be in denial or try to push the blame to someone else. When you accept that you're responsible, the pain is easier to bear.
 

cksgp

New Member
Hi dazed and confused,
I am exactly in the same boat as you. My wife left home about 4 months ago. I understand totally what you are going through because I've been through that dark, lonely valley where nothing seems to shine at all. PM me. We can meet if you want to. I can share how I went through this journey. Interestingly, I've not visited this site for almost 3 months, but tonight I felt compelled to visit. And I know this is not by chance. Again the choice is all yours. You are NOT alone in this.
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Love lost is one thing. I have tried ways and means to try to revive it by suggesting date nights, going overseas for holidays and marriage counselling. But all these fell on deaf ears.

It is very disappointing that she wants to let go of everything so easily after so much time invested into this relationship.

Ajumma, you say that I have to accept responsibility. Yes, in a way, I do for not spotting the signs earlier. However, does that mean that she can cheat? Even if she has lost her love for me, shouldn't she have told me about this first as opposed to taking things into her own hands by cheating on me? We are after all married. Sad to know that the vows taken were forgotten so easily.

Anyway, thank you to all for your time spent in responding to me.
 

texasholdem

New Member
hold hands only.? lol she must be taking u as a damn bloody fool. only fools will believe that. surely u gt brain to think right? she said that just to entertain u dude. But anyway, lets pray together for these shameless bast*** to rot in hell. shall we?
 

nichie

Member
Seem like a lot of women are unfaithful too which is a contrary to the other thread mentioning man are in the majority. I believe in whatever the case, both parties are to be blame as it took both to work on the marriage. However, looking from another angle, its not a bad thing such thing happens because people do changed and when it happen, its better to let go than to try to patch back. Things will never the same again and the scar will always be there for life. Will you able to have complete confident in her again? Will you suspicious of her when she works late again?

Dazed

You have mentioned the marriage vow a couple times and you seem to take it quite seriously and also expect others to do the same, however, I believe majority of the married couples say it for the sack of saying and don’t give a damn about it as can be seem from so many unfaithful men and women. To me, these words are as cheap as the air they are said and you don’t need such cheap vow to stay faithful. So many couples divorce due to trivial matters and talking about ‘Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as you both shall live?’ – its really a big joke.

You don’t have to feel sad and you should feel happy to finally know the truth and her, I believe that not all people found their life partner in their first try, some just have to go through a few tries to get it right, its better to divorce and get a new life rather than stuck in an unhappy and suspicious marriage.
 

lovingyou

New Member
"I believe in whatever the case, both parties are to be blame as it took both to work on the marriage"
==============================================
Agree with this statement.

Dazed: it is true and it might be better to end the marriage based on no love rather than adultery, but in most of the cases, it is only through comparsions that one realises that the love they once had for their partners are gone and the ones beside them are not the ideal one? Your wife has make her choice and thus, probably left you with the only decision as well. It is not time to allow emotions get over the head, to understand what she has in mind and get it done with should be the keypoint for now.
 

powder

Active Member
dazedconfused,

dun have the same mentality like most local pple... whereby Just Becos u try, u think u deserve to reap any sort of reward for it.

trying hard for a relationship should not cause u to feel like u deserve to get salvation or restitution.

just as in the past many years, u should have learnt that your degree dun mean shit without hard work, your money dun mean nothing without wisdom...

u need more than just hard work to achieve what u want... and when it comes to 2 individuals - it is only 49% chance for u, not 50%.

marrying a girl is only the beginning... nobody is bonded to stay your wife by virtue of your marriage cert and efforts.

efforts mean nothing without results... so dun glorify your efforts and expect anything out of it.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
dazed,

go ahead, immerse urself in anger and disbelief.

u hv every rite to feel the way u're feeling...

no one can take that away from u...

and i think u need it to Release all the pent-up emotions.


BUT, u know u can't stay in that hole forever...


the one left behind cuts a tragic figure or emerged victoriously as a bigger and better person...

it's up to u to decide.
 

ajumma

New Member
dazed,

Of course it doesn't justify her cheating. It's a terrible feeling to be betrayed, that I know and I empathise with you.

What I was trying to say is that when a marriage fails, both are responsible. You for not being more upfront in dealing with the problems earlier and your wife for not honouring her vows and not trying harder to get the love back. I think by the time you suggested the holidays and date nights to her, it was too late.

Do have a good talk with her about this and see what's your next step. Again, please protect yourself. Has your wife said anything about a divorce? Any conditions attached?
 

clark

New Member
We MUST be like powder. If not, "dun glorify your efforts and expect anything out of it."

??????

dazed, You are entitled to feel anyway u want. you are the one who is going thru the whole ordeal.

Stay strong and positive.
 

ajumma

New Member
When you relinquish responsibility to the other person, be it the spouse or the third party, you feel even more helpless and victimized, and that's going to make you even more depressed. Don't be a victim. Have the courage to face up to the ugly truth and solve the problem.
 

dazedconfused

New Member
Appreciate the encouraging words. Powder, I think your comments are quite harsh on me. I do not actually think that just because I put in effort into a relationship, the other party MUST reciprocate. Its the betrayal that hurts, whether or not love has been lost. Not sure whether you understand this.

I have been trying hard to patch things up but it appears like a futile attempt. I am just sad that years invested into this relationship is gone just like that and she is not willing to make the least bit of an effort to try to salvage this. When I am alone and start reminiscing about our old memories, I will start tearing. Pathetic I know. I must overcome this.

The worse thing is she keeps insisting that the guy has absolutely nothing to do with her decision whatsoever. She is blaming it totally on the fact that she has no more feelings for me. Would you believe this? In a way, I just wish she would own up and admit to the adultery rather than giving this excuse that sounds that bit more noble.

In a positive way, at least I do not have those paranoid feelings anymore which are truly horrible. Plus I am very grateful for the strong support from family and friends. From this incident, I can tell who really cares for me as well. Looking forward, I guess I will have to start evaluating my options pertaining to divorce which is another big headache altogether.
 


infojunkie

Active Member
"The worse thing is she keeps insisting that the guy has absolutely nothing to do with her decision whatsoever"

no point harping on this issue.

will u feel better if she admits that she strays becos the guy seduced her?

what difference does it make?

NOTHING.

"She is blaming it totally on the fact that she has no more feelings for me. Would you believe this?"

YES, hard to swallow but u hv to believe it. the FACT is her love for u has gone, accept it.

sorry, i know u're grieving...

ok, dun believe it.
 

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