Can someone advice??

L

little_ms_naughty

New Member
HTB & i started dating in July2007..

14 months into the r/s, we decided that it was time to settle down, since we both knew that we found THE BETTER HALF..

The problem is, my r/s with my MIL was only borderline before the ROM, but worsen after the ROM..

She was black faced throughout the whole ROM session, & all my pics turned out to be a failure becoz of her black face... Till now, i cannot close the episode becoz each time i saw the pictures, i'll be reminded of her black face..

Seriously, i cannot conclude what could have sparked that unhappiness out of her back then.. I later found out that she was unhappy that my parents were the ones who received the guest at the function room enterance... (Her thinking was that his son married into my family..)

The whole scenario was, she didn't know her way to the restaurant, & wanted HTB to pick her up from Hubb's godma house in Chinatown.. (Oh yes.. by the way, the ceremony was held @ Yum Cha Chinatown)

So arrangement was made for her to wait at Hubb's Godma home, while Hubb & i headed to the bridal studio in Tanjong Pagar to dress up...

Later, we walked to his Godma place in my dress+full makup & hairdo & his suit to pick his mum & godma up..

I could actually feel my makeup melting under the sorching hot sun.. i was very irritated, but tried to remain composed about having to walk in the sun with my best dress with stares from all the people on the road..

Upon arrival at the godma's void deck, we waited another 10 minutes before they walked out of the lift...

From there again, we walked to Yum Cha..

All throughout, the mum was black faced..

Alot of unhappy incidents happened too after the ROM, which i shall not go into details..

Now fast forward to ytd..

I was video calling Hubb, but due to some connections problems or whatsoever, he told me he couldnt hear or see me..

So i told him that i would use voice call instead..

But by accident, i dialed his home number (because he had called me from his home earlier) & within the first ring, the mom took the call..

His mum had this low voice which sounded very much like him, jus a little more femenine..

So, i mistook that it was Hubb trying to pull a prank on me using a fake voice.. So, of coz i played along...

To my horror, (after a few exhanges of my hellos) i realized it was his ,mum on the line..

so i asked for him.. His mom then passed the call to him..

I bursted out into laughter & told him the whole scenario... He laughed too, & after chatting, we decided to hang up..

My liang xin guo yi bu qu,(i struggled for some time) so i decided to drop her an sms to extend my apology...

Later, he sms-ed me that his mum scolded him becoz i was rude to her.. So he asked if i could call & apologize to her.. He even told me that she treaten not to attend the customary next june!!!

I was reluctant, but later relented becoz i knew if i did not apologise, it would further jeopordise our already 'on the rocks' r/s..

So i decided to give a call to her on the home phone..

She took call, & upon hearing i say

me: ma, sorry about jus now.. Becoz, i took you as hubb.. Sor....

Before i could finish the 'proper apology' (that she wanted) she hung up on me.. She hung up hard, so hard that there was a loud thud..

So then, i thought that she dropped the phone or sonething.. I tried calling again, & this time, it rung for the longest time before hubb took the call..

He told me that his mom was still very mad at me for 'being rude to her'

I asked Hubb,

me: so what is it that she want now??

he: there is nothing you can do now that she is so angry..

in my heart, i was thinking, then why did hubb ask me to call her to apologise in the first place since she was so mad???

me: so, you mean that she hung up hard on me is the right thing to do???

he was silent..

me: in the first place, i didn't know it was her who took the call right?? do you think i would dare to be rude to her?? (frankly i am very scared of his mom)

Silence from him again..

Then he ended by saying:

dun think too much.. go sleep now..

I know it was wrong of me to being rude (since she keep emphasising on this word, RUDE)to her.. I expressed my apology to her thru sms & calls already.. But still she is unhappy & threaten to not attend the wedding..

Can anyone advice how to please her/appease her anger???

I dun want things to remain this way forever.. but i really dunno what to do..

as much as i want to improve this worsening r/s, i'm at my wits end..

thanks!!
 


Wow.... for sure that you have a tough MIL to deal with. You need your husband to help you to appease her and show her the respect. She is saying all these at the spur of the anger. I strongly suggest not to mention or even remind her of it anymore. You must leave this backdoor for her to eat back on her own stupid threats. This is very important. Even when folks are clearly wrong, they will still fight till the last over their face.

But eventually, if she doesn't want to turn up for the wedding, there is also nothing you can do. Stop worrying about that. Just do your best to accomodate. This is the part you can control. How she eventually reacts, you have no control. So, don't worry.
 
Is your HB the only son? It sounds more like she is trying to make things difficult for you? Will you be staying with your MIL after marriage? Hmm.. try to appease her but dun bring up the scenario again. Perhaps buy some of her fav food to visit her or bring her for a meal when she has toned down?
 
I had lunch with Hubb jus now (he was working in the next building) & he told me that he will not go ahead with the wedding if he does not get his mum's blessings...

I was very shicked & somewhat hurt to have that coming out from his mouth..

So i asked him, do you mean that if your mum does not give you the blessings, you would not marry me??

He said yes.. He said he needed the blessings to go ahead with the wedding..

I really dunno what to do or how to handle his mum..

After so much unhappy incidents, i still respect her as an elder (like buying her really nice mooncakes for the mooncake festival..) & try my best to not take her words to heart..

But its said easier than done.. I would still get affected in one way or another right..

I'm still human & has feelings too..

If she can feel hurt about me being rude, won't i feel even more hurt having her slam the phone on me???

I know i would sttill have to respect her since he is the elder.. But having respect for her is one thing, my pride is another..

I can't possibly be swallowing whatever nonsenses she throws to me right??

I really dunno what to do...
 
time to think. His filial priorities is above over logic. Does he think of the big picture or only her picture?

You don't need a husband that always side you, but you need one that is reasonable and supportive. Is he one?
 
littlemsnaughty: both of you are already married regardless if there is a customary wedding or otherwise? I dun think it is reasonable for him to halt the wedding jus coz of such childish tantrums; moreover, if he is like that now, wun it get worse in the future?
 
littlewoman:

he has a elder brother who is 32 years old.. He is not working & depends on his mum & sometimes HB to provide for him..

Hubb told me to understand her, (since she is a divorcee) & give in to her more...

I dare not say i've done my best as a DIL, but i've done whatever i could have thought of to please her (but she forever had this same black face whenever she sees me..)

Hubb said she felt sorry for herself being a divorcee, & thus the 'negative reaction' towards me..

But i wasn't the cause of her failed marriage & i cannot understand y i'm treated this way..

Actually, Hubb had one ex-gf whom he almost married, (rings were already bought) but the girl ran away for i dunno what reasons..

Hubb & i have had heated arguements over her (we seldom quarrel) over a few occassions, & the arguements got so bad (becoz he kept reminding me that she is a divorcee & alone) that i began wondering if our union was the right one from the very start...

Hubb is a really really sweet & nice guy.. So thats one reason y i am still putting up with the nonsesnes his mum threw at me..

But i need some tactic to handle her soon coz i don't want hubb to be the patty..

I hate to see that happening.. I seriously do..

But if i continue to swallow whatever shits she throws me, she would one fine day ride on me..

I dun want that to happen!!!!!!
 
miloice:

he is very nice to all the elders... Be it his mum, his godma or my parents..

He is a good natured person..

He told me that his mum had only him to depend on..

He is certainly a dependable person, but if his mum continues all these, i think this marriage is likely to fail, becoz of his mum..
 
littlemsnaughty: I understand what u mean. She has such reactions not coz she is a divorcee but more like she is afraid that her son will not be her son after wedding. Try to pacify her and your HB has to be the one trying hard as well. MILs tend to listen to their sons more than we, DILs. I too have some conflicts with my MIL in regarding to the planning of my coming customary wedding, had arguments with HB due to over various issues, but we sorted it out and what is impt that our HBs have to see logics and based his actions on reasons.. that's what my HB will do.. He wun bother who is his priority but more on who has more reasons.. in this way, no favourism will be shown.
 
When a person is negative because of her history, she isn't going to be negative to specifically people that cause her failed marriage.

"But i wasn't the cause of her failed marriage & i cannot understand y i'm treated this way.."

That's a pretty naive view. In the same way, if you have a very pleasant and positive personality, doesn't mean everyone you met are equally pleasant? And people interacting with you are benefiting from those the help mould your personality. Would they be puzzled and not understand why this person is so nice since they didn't cause you to be a nice? Think about it.

The cause and effect is way bigger than our own existence only. Learn to give and take on this one. Your husband has a point there about his mum's negativity. He probably understand her reasons better than you do.

But, what's alarming rather, is his lack of understanding and support for you. Do talk to him about this. You do not need him to take slides, its pointless. In fact, stupid way to resolve things. Taking sides will always hurt the other party. Its never win-win.
 
MiLo : No one would wish to get married without parents' blessing so I do not tink that her HTB's filial piety is above logic..prob he is a bit harsh with the way he conveyed it across..

How to strike a balance between your loved one and one you respect?

From what I read, I noticed that your HTB did not ever said that his mother is right to throw temper at you and he did not blame you for "being rude to her" either.. I tink he is being caught in between as well..Prob his mum hold that "empress dowager" kind of role in the family and everyone is afraid of her..Is she exceptionally demanding to you?
 
Hubb still loves me in other ways like bringing me to places i felt like going or food i feel like eating..

Just that in whatever involving his mum & me he has the tendency to side his mum..

I brought this matter up to him b4.. But he denied in siding anyone & says he is neutral..

Other than that, he is a great guy to be with..
 
funtasty:

demanding no..

But she always passes me with negative remarks like if i did my hair, she would say things like y waste $$$ doing hair..

or when hubb & i shared a sofa chair for her as a gift, she say y waste $$$ again..

when i buy her foods, she would comment too sweet too salty too expensive & stuffs like that..

Nothing i did was right in her eyes..
 
littlemsnaughty: when someone is picky, nothing you do will turns out to be good for her.
happy.gif
Hmm.. Is she a traditional woman? Perhaps you might want to try whipping up a meal for her personally?
 
From the details u've given, it doesn't seem to me that your husband is "siding" his mum. Yes he remained silent when u asked for answers, but he did not blame u nor did he say it was your fault. Well, he had no answers, how to give u any? I hope u weren't expecting him to be quick to reply that "yes my mum is just throwing tantrums and being completely nasty, i scold her later k?", coz if a man does that, i wouldn't repsect him too much either. See, he may know when his mum behaves unreasonably sometimes, but as his partner, perhaps u shud try to understand that there's really nothing very much he can do? I think he's being quite fair in telling u honestly that he will not go ahead with the wedding without his mother's blessings. Just try to understand that he's feeling bit "trapped" as well, like u, he doesn't really how best to deal with her. I would think your hubby KNOWS between u and his mum, u're the more understanding person, and hence it would be easier for him to hope that u give in to her more, knowing that there's nothing he can do with a mum behaving like a child. So question is, do u love him enough to swallow your pride when it comes to dealing with MIL even in the future?
 
littlemsnaughty :

I bought durian mooncake for my MIL, she said, if want to eat durian, then buy durian to eat...dun waste money buy such mooncakes..

I bought pastry for her, she said, she gets heaty easily..ask me not to buy heaty stuff next time..

I bought her anlene milk powder as calcium supplement, she said, it is too sweet for her...

But I nv look at these remarks as negative ones..becos HTB told me what she had been thru..unhappy marriage and how she survived an severe illness...all these make me wanna love her more..so I do not take her remarks as negative...it helps me make better choice if I want to buy something for her..

Try looking at it from another perspective?
 
funtasty's kind of attitude is the kind u shud learn to adopt, a positive one. (Good on u, funtasty!)

If u know your MIL can be unreasonable sometimes, then u shud know it's just HER and not YOU, so no need to take things to personally right? Like funtasty, this don't like, try something else loh. Try 100 times, still dun like, well maybe she's just a person that can never be pleased, but u don't need to get upset also mah, right?
 
yes, her husband isn't taking slides. This is what I'm trying advise TS. To NOT expect him to take sides cos its a stupid and hurtful way to handle the sensitive situation.

Actually, when I read today's TNP, I feel sad. That woman in the headlines reminds me so much of my own mother. On how all these years, her unreasonable behaviors, fights with her own siblings, relatives, her colleagues etc. How she insisted to be overly protective toward us till a point of embarrassment. How it finally kill her own marriage. How she made me play along as PI with her to follow my Dad. And how she continue to transfer now the attention to her grandchildren.

I completely understand the bitterness of a negative divorcee mum. And also, the difficulties as children.
 
wjchiang:

i'm ready to hear her nag & pass negative remarks..

But everyone sure has a limits...

I can keep quiet & swallow things.. But i won't allow her to treat my family the same way she treated me..

She threw temper at my mum during the ROM by ignoring her with her black face when my mom talked to her..

so my mom just walked away & asked hubb to talk to the mom instead..

the reason y i am seeking help on improving my r/s with her is simply becoz i love him & also hope tht hubb would not get caught between us..
 
TS,
well, i understand it's tough to deal with someone that u can't reason with. So happens this is the mother of the man u love, so how? that fact will never change. Everyone has limits, yes, but how sensitive u r to whatever she does makes a difference. If u can try to "one ear in, one ear out", it's much easier and it would take up less of your "limits". If u choose to get upset over every incident, knowing well that she's being unreasonable - something unreasonable, u try to "reason" it, then a bit stupid, correct or not?

My mum doesn't make much sense most of the time, so i just "orh" to everything loh, doesnt' mean i do all of them, they just need some response that's all. In fact as it is, i've "orh" 5 times to her asking me to go out to eat my shui jiao now, though quite full, this i think i can do, so i shud go now and eat them instead of having to "orh" another 50 times
 
btw,
if u go back n reread milo's post, he's pretty much said everything u need to understand....if u read it well, that is
 
Geez...*blush* thanks, wjchiang

littlemsnaughty :

Did both side parents meet up after the ROM? If yes, does ur MIL still treat your mum the same way? Since on ROM day, ur MIL is already not happy with watever arrangement, I tink her face color wont be good to everyone. Unless you are saying that she only blackface to you and your family then I tink it could be due to other reasons? How's relationship between them prior to ROM event?
 
How about buying her fav food and paying a visit to her?
Spend time chatting, keeping her accompany even though she might not reciprocate .
At least, ur hb can see that you are making effort to establish good r/s with his mum.

To be nice to other people doesn't mean that we need to get the same treatment back, just be nice from your inner heart and don't say bad thing about her to your hb.

If you already done your best, I believe ur hb can see for himself too.

Fun: TS stands for Threadstarter.
 
Thanks susanna.

Agree with wat you said :

"To be nice to other people doesn't mean that we need to get the same treatment back, just be nice from your inner heart and don't say bad thing about her to your hb."

You have to tell yourself, you want to do it and not that you have to do it..
 
funtatsy:

like i mentioned, the r/s prior to ROM was okok only.. But worsen after the ROM after she saw that my parents did the welcoming of guest (since they were there like 30 mins before the ceremony was scheduled to start)

I mean it was a very normal reaction of my parents to do the welcoming since his mum was not there right??

By the way, we reached like 10-15 mins before the ceremony started..

We (both sides) did met once after the ROM for a seafood dinner which my dad paid for...

Her face was still black & gave one word answers to all conversations..

Dad gave them a ride to the nearest bus stop & MIL (she was seated in front) alighted without saying a word...

From where i was sitting, i bade her gd bye, but i think she didn't hear it.. So she asked hubb y i so no manners never say gdbye to her..

Fact is, i did.. Just that she didn't hear..

Told my mum abt it & she told me not to bother since they've (my mum & my sis) heard it..
 
no one is doubting your reactions are normal or not. The advices are focusing on how to improve things.
 
i did everything i could think of.. whether was it from my heart, i have to say some yes & some no...

I sincerely want to improve my r/s with her for the benefit of everyone..

But if its just me & hubb wanting to improve but she doesn't want to improve, i think my issues with her will take forever to resolve..

for now, i can only pray abt the situation that a miracle can happen..

mum & some church mates have been praying too!! :D

Thx for all the responses.. i will try some of the ways i feel it'll work to see how..

do check back for updates, but not so soon la..

i love you guys.. :D
 
just a question, what faith does your MIL belong?

Generally, there is some bad blood between some differing faiths. The resentments generally over Christian by certain groups are very strong. This could be one of the reason of your MIL negativity towards you and your family.

Religion is a sensitive and controversial issue. So, if its the case, then you must thread this really carefully.
 
miloice:

she is a free thinker... no religion leh..

but then, back then when hubb & me started dating, my dad did tell him that all her daughters must marry christian guys..

Dad told him that he can try going/getting involved in church activities/services with us first while we dated..

But if he wanted to marry me, he had to be a chrsitian.. that was sometime in Aug/Sept2007.

By Apr 2008, he decided to affirm his faith by getting baptised on Good Friday (if i did not remember wrongly)

My dad was quick to add that he had to tell his mum about the baptism thing, which he did..

His mum was displeased of course, & hoped that he dun go thru baptism as she is worried that no one will hold joss sticks for her if she passes on..

But, Hubb was sure abt this faith & firmly told his mum that he will still go ahead with the baptism..

i dunno if his mom sees this as defying her.. But i thinks that she thinks that i'm the cause of this defying & probably lead to this treatment/attitude of hers towards me/us??

i ain't sure..

In anyway anyhow, i pray fro miracle, patience, & wisdom when it comes to handling her..
 
TS,
this is where i'll pour some cold water at u...
referring to ur last post (u scroll up urself hor, i'm too lazy to cut n paste):
Don't have any expectations. U n ur hubby want to improve, MIL doesn't want to/doesn't know how to/doesn't do anything to improve, will u fall back to being negative? Just rem, it's how YOU see it, don't expect anything from her end. Even when u feel u've tried reallly hard, and u think she's still being difficult, just roll your eyeballs a bit and continue to smile loh. People don't necessarily become nice just coz u're nice. If u have certain expectations, u may be disappointed. Prayers are very often not answered in time, and miracles seldom happen. If they do, then it's a bonus. If not, as long as u remain positive and just let the "nonsense" pass, then it won't affect your happiness.
With my mum, i can be frustrated everyday if i choose to react all the time, 妈的(in my case, literally) 那我还活ä¸æ´»ï¼Ÿ
Everything comes with a price. U've found a man whom u love and thinks he's great for u, big plus to your life, no? then just take the MIL as a small price to pay for a big bonus loh.
 
well... i have seen enough guys joining the church and even participating actively for the sake of their spouses. But, religion is something we cannot impose on. To please their gf, they really get involved. But, many are not really touched in their hearts. i.e. they do not really have the calling.

Which is why I think this requirement for children spouses to be of the same faith is very superficial and pointless. Just my own opinion on this.

Do check with your husband if his mum has any bad impression of Christians. If that's the case, you should be more discrete about expressing your thoughts in her presence with any religious flavor. e.g. many christians don't realize how irritating it is to a non believer or if they are always speaking with 'holy' language and giving praise to God for everything including things others are trying to share with them and then making them pray with them for everything. Hope you are not that insensitive to do that.
 
wjchiang:

i do not deny that sometimes i will feel negative..

But it goes away as soon as it comes (like within 24 hours)

for now, my current tactic is avoiding seeing her, coz my frens advised that maybe seeing her lesser will lessen the whatever unhappiness..

i just hope that everything will be good & everyone will be happy..

thats my ultimate goal..

i reckon i need more love & patience towards her.. Its not easy, but i'll try..

thx!!! :D
 
personally, i don't agree with avoiding the issue. In fact, it may create more problems sometimes. HOPE seldom gets anyone anywhere. Have a think about it. Good luck
 
miloice:

one thing for sure i know, hubb is alot more devoted then me..

like we both attend bible classes & has homework to do... He is always the one reminding me on the homework, on the times of the classes & stuffs like that..

So i'm quite sure that he didn't 'join becoz of me'

Sometimes, for prayer meetings he'll drag me there when i said i tired leh.. today dun feel like going..

so i'm sure he knows what he is doing..

surely something or someone must have touched him to spark his reaction..

that one i cannot comment coz its up to individual when it comes to things like spiritual growth..

its something i cannot explain..
 
Good for you on your husband's conviction on the common faith. But maybe, that is partially the reason why MIL is unhappy. i.e. she sees you changing her precious son completely. Even faith also must follow his wife.

I'm thinking aloud here... These could be possibilities or may not.
 
old people, though you mentioned she is free thinker, their thinking is still the traditional type .. ie. you mentioned she scared nobody will hold joss sticks for her after she passed on ..

from what i read, maybe this is the reason for her so-so relationship with you before your ROM .. the ROM incident is just an add-on .. ie. she already bu-shuang, so ROM incident is just a reason for her to vent on ..
 
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