Can a marriage survive without SXX? Please help to advise.

J

joyfulgirl

New Member
Is there any woman up there feel like me?

Ever since i given birth, I lost all the interests and desire on SXX. I do not know if it is due to hormones changed, i never approached my gynae or seek medical advice as I felt it personal and have no courage to move on.

It have been almost 3 years, I just simply have no urge. But in order to fulfil my duty as a wife, I have no choice although I might feel frustered and told my hb about how i feel, but how many can i turn away? There is nothing wrong with my hb i swear, he is doing well and he is a good hb. I begin to feel that having SXX is a burden and I am very worry of when hb will initiate again, when hb start to hint me. I felt stressful about it. I totally have no desire at all! It is adding pressure on me. I am wondering is SXX really a important factor in a marriage? Can a marriage survive without it? I still love my hb, but just that I do not have any desire and fantasy doing.

It ever come across my mind I feel like telling my hb to seek for alternative SXX source, but I am not so noble to allow that to happen. But if this is not going to happen, how am i going to live with this problem for the next 20-30 years (if i can live till then)?

Men have desire, I can't be so selfish, how many times can i turn away? How many men can tolerate my own problem while they need SXX, if i don't give in, am I giving him a chance to "outsource".

Sigh, seriously, I also do not want things to turn out like that, but I really do not have any desire and am completely uninterested in anything about SXX. What should I do?

Hope i can find someone who are in my shoes share with me your experience
 


Hi Tina, does self exploration and porn perhaps heighten your interest in sex? Also, engaging in more intimacy and foreplay. One thing leads to another. You probably need the build up to it. Your maternity instincts has probably keep you occupied all day. You need to 1st wind down, relax and get into some mood. Take time out to have a good warm bathe, have him give you a good rub and massage and have a steamy session after.

Not sure if you have already explored all those mentioned. Do try out the various ways to simulate the interest and see how it goes 1st. I guess you don't just sit there idle and think of sex. Probably guys would.
happy.gif
 
actually you don't really need to provide sex all the time if you're not in the mood.
maybe a simple blow job or hand job, would be enough ?
 
Tina, it is possible only if both parties feel the same way. There's no right or wrong answers here but it's about compatibility and acceptance at this point. If both have the same mind set - hooray. If not, then you'll have to find a point where both of you could accept.
 
are u under great stress?

i always believe that sex helps to bond a couple closer (not refering to those flirting affairs/ons though).
 
BB, hmmm I beg to differ. I don't feel the sex helps to bond a couple closer. I feel that other activities do..and they are more often than not the very simple activities couples do...like cooking together, doing the laundry together (yes, this too!), cuddling each other before turning in at night etc...
 
Tina

Don't worry too much. We are not alone. I was also shocked to find all my female friends whom already have kids, also feel the same thing.

Dunno why, we find having sex very tiring, stressful and very troublesome. We simply just wish to rest and relax esp after work or taking care of kids, rather than have sex.

I never tell my doc the problem but I did discuss and told my hubby about it several years ago. Luckily for me, he is very understanding enough. He doesn't show his displeasure whenever I don't feel like it. Maybe he also feels the same as I do, prefer to rest and relax than have sex after a long day of work.

How we still bond with a lesser sex marriage?? We spend most of our time la kopi together at Mac, Ya kun, toast box, coffee bean without the kids. We watch and discuss tv series shows when we are in bed although my fav tv program is more on the documentary shows. He loves to share his work matters with me although I hardly share mine. We loves to go for our evening strolls with or without our kids. Generally speaking, we grow closer through frequent communications, not frequent sex.

I know that not all couples are the same but like what Denise said, there are many methods to bond with your spouse instead, if we still care and love one another.
 
Tina,

To be honest, I was once in that stage cos I became much much less confident of myself cos of my loose skins and much less, the looser vagina. I also find that my focus were more on the kids than on myself.

I'd read this somewhere, when one don't even feel good nor confident in oneself, how would they allow another to appreciate them the same way?

In order not to let my hubby be disappointed or the marriage to dull, I began to diet real strictly. Went for regular exercise.(Exercise helps in urge for sex) Did invest some money on Radio Frequency treatment (tighten loose skin) and also did some yoga on the lower portion, proven to help us ladies tighten that area with muscle (Testimonial from hubby).

Personal grooming came next. I learnt how to self make-up. Get more attractive clothings... and sexy lingeries. I am stimulating myself more (mind stimulation) than stimulating my hubby by doing the above.

Honestly, after I improve on what I'd mentioned, and I started to get attentions from men again... Cars slowed down and beeped at me, like it happened to me when I was a teenager. Guys smile and raised their glass at me. Hubby became SUPER POSSESSIVE!

All these are positive influence to my mind, body and soul. It makes me feel good about myself. And eventually, it heighten my urge to show off more to hubby, to try out more with hubby. He had said, he had never felt better.... after my whole big change.

Try it?

P/S: Now I'm preggy again. I'll have to repeat the whole procedure after next January. However, it's always worth it.
happy.gif
My boys appreciates me more when I was a slim and good looking mummy. (Haiz.... Men!)
 
Chilli Queen
Congrats! Is it a prince or princess?
I read your post before in a XiaolIng's thread, and was amazed by your strength. Wanted to ask you why you were so forgiving. haha.. u sound like u are a strong woman.
Enjoy yr pregnancy!
 
Dear Tina and Denise80,

Don't worry, just wait for an attractive young babe eyeing your hubbies' money and you gals can have Sex outsourced. ^.^

You know you are fighting against nature, right?
 
Scope: not sure why you made that comment but more like someone will eye my $ more than my hubby's and you seem to have a tendency to overrate sex here. Sex in a marriage is important but must not be overrated. If sex is the key ingredient in a marriage, one can marry a whore or gigolo. Other aspects of the marriage are equally important: communication, common goals, values etc. If these are strong, why would I want to outsource sex? That's the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard. Fighting against nature? Pls define nature. Nature of what? Nature that both men and women need sex? Nature of men going for younger babes? Again, you seem to think with the other head when you make that sweeping statement of yours on behalf of the male population. You are missing the entire point and if you associate marriage with just sex, that is sad to know.
 
Denise80,

Come on.

Yes. Marriage has MANY aspects. But man is man. You ain't a man, so I'd tolerate this outburst of yours.

But it is already a red alert that so fast into your marriage when you are still young that sex is already an issue.

I don't think you understand, to man, sex is a communicate issue. ie. this intimacy is very important in a partnership.

You can of course still go shopping and doing things together... like any other friends but you have to realise one thing... you are at risk, and... he may not end up your One after all. You may not realise it, failure to make your guy feel needing sex towards you is already a communication issue.

It's a 'need', by nature, Denise80. Girls can love a guy without sex, but...

It's not a sweeping statement. Unless he is unhealthy or abnormal, then he is an exception.

It's goodwill. Take it or leave it.
 
so for all women, when give birth don give naturally, but give with cesarean. so your Vagina will be remain untouched. I told all my gfs like that and most of them were stunned especially the young one. I told them do not underestimate the power of sex in relationship. but for the old one they already understand. but there is a plastic surgery to seal it back from the loose door into the tight door.

so unfortunate, in Asian the parents do not discuss about the personal things with their kids.
 
Europe parents they are very open to their kids, they talk about their feelings, they are sensitive and they discuss about anything. even in the young ages. i wish my parents is Caucasian. even when the parents are at the wrong side, they don't mind say i am sorry. and they say i love you a lot too.
 
Quite true.

Look at this forum... they fought and screamed and protested even in the face of cold hard truth.

This is madness, and I am living with it because I am stuck in Singapore.

Girls here are not conservative when they are wild, and they marry without even the need of true love... but when it comes to sex and such, they become mum... play conservative.

One reason why ang moh women are now more and more appealing to me. LOL~
 
agree,

when they act and word they do them wildly, but when they face the problem they act conservatively. you are the man mah...you are the girl mah....and women charter has been launch.

I have few friend ang moh women. but they are all just friends. i enjoy talking to them.
 
Women are women. When it comes to man and their body it's about the same east or west. It's mostly the culture. In Singapore, the thinking of women is... really very odd.

You can't say they are conservative, yet they are definitely not open; the only word I have is general madness.

Then when their relationship hits rocks... they find another and the same problem hits them.

Denise80 is actually one of the better thinking women here. I hope she is not trying to fight against pure science... and embrace her own fantasy.
 
madness hahah....I like that.

I never understand when man marry the women...just for a women without sex desire ? for what ? better get a guy, we can click easy both same sex.

some local small island women they are very cold and frigid, not only in SG but also in HK. I don't know why. they lack of social skill or lack exposure to many people. kind of strange....seems like this forum scientifically prove is very necessary, there is survey show that people in Hong Kong and Singapore they have the least sex in the world.

embrace the difference go find what you want. life is short no time to waste.
 
LOL~

'In Singapore, guys are short ugly and arrogant', Darwinism means women have to adapt.

It's seriously madness... I was reading a girl wondering if to marry a guy who doesn't seem to want to sex her... ...

It's very evil of the guy... to marry for the sake of marrying the girl and let her 守活寡 throughout her youth.

I am a man of high sex drive lah... maybe that's why I can't understand how a normal healthy man can be so bo chap of sex with his wife when an average man 'erect about 300 times a day'... and a wife can believe a healthy man will have no desire for her...

Hard to understand. LOL~

I mean, if I love a woman, I'd definitely want her every week... it'd be one thing she is not giving me, it'd be another that I don't want her.
 
Chocolatte,

Not necessary. I can have no sex with the woman I love for years and years...

Like I said, it's one thing you want her and she doesn't give and another when you don't want her... till the point even sex becomes an issue of making babies.

A woman can refuse sex with her husband... but it's very interesting to claim that her husband and her have no feel for sex anymore. Then the husband must either be sick or... he already feel nothing towards the woman but tries to play a role...
 
scope,

thats why a lsd women will not suits u. love and sex is differnt thing. sometimes u do love your spouse but just no longer have such urge to have sex.
 
Sex is about instinctive needs.

Even a tamed animal can be provoked when driven to desperation and hunger.

Both physical and emotion fulfillment is important.
 
I think ive been misread. I'm saying my hub and I r not getting enough sex given that we r keen to have babies. Yet we r both comfy with the current level of intimacy.
 
I agree with chocolate. I still love my hub but that urge for sex has lessened as compared to the past and this is even mutual between my hub and I. Underlying reason: less novelty, stress fr work etc. This doesn't indicate the marriage is failing or watever. Simply need to try ways to fire up the passion in each other I feel.
 
Denise80,

Think about it... What is not enough? What is the need to fire up? I am not here to argue with you, big girl.

Just note one thing though, like I said... a girl can like a guy without thinking of sex, but a guy... well... I don't think so. It's nature, it's science.

And... when a guy is stress, sperms are down BUT sex is supposed to help de-stress. That's why many bosses frequent KTV to 'relax'.

For a guy, sex is a need forever, for a girl... sex will be a diminishing issue especially when you hit 50yo and above when your hormone dies down.

So young and 'not enough' sex... is dangerous. Think from your man's position... if it is true that "Denise80 is no longer appealing because of this and that... someone else will become more appealing in time to come."

When a man truly loves a woman... sex will be regular... because the brain triggers the need on regular basis for intimacy. It'd be never be enough.

Man is man lah~

Hi Chocolatte,

It'd be very interesting for me to go around asking, "Hi lady, you got a high sex drive? If so, let's date..."

LOL~

Like I said, if a man truly loves a woman, he'd ask the woman for sex but not necessarily prepared to be entertained. So yes. Love and sex are two separate issues, yet from a man's side of things... love and sex are a package.

That's the design of nature. A man can 'tahan' the rejection of sex from the woman. See?

However, when a woman claims there is not enough sex... there will be a problem. Just like the girl who is wondering to marry or not when her fatso doesn't seem to be interested in her.

I am a romance freak, and sex is one way to express romance. Orgasm is part and parcel of a married life... not true???

Hmm... should I use a psychology test again... LOL~
 
Denise80,

It's ok, darling. I have told you what you need to know, knowing perfectly well to shoot and run. ^.^

Seriously, it's usually like that... women are built to feel ok, you are still in love (eg) even with sex not enough, the man is still entertaining you, you feel ok... when the man is already aware that the woman is no longer appealing, continues to entertain the woman but the sex drive begins to target elsewhere.

I can safely tell you, this is representing all of the normal and healthy men with a dick each.

Denise80, I suggest you find out the issue with your man, understand if you are really losing appeal and observe his 'new' sexual direction.

I said already, you guys are still young, his libido would not be so low, if his libido is not about you... you'd have a problem.

If you believe he doesn't have sex drive, then I'd of course only represent myself. But...

...tell me, what is the chance? LOL~

It's very dangerous when you think there is no communication issue when you don't understand your partner... You do have a communication issue, you know that?
 
Every man will definitely hv their sex drive, some are so comfortable in their everyday routine that they don't see any need to distract their life while some are deprived of sex with strained r/s with their partner that they seek somewhere else for sex out of loneliness, others sex drive are so high that even if they are in a loving marriage, they still seek sex somewhere, some are addicted to paid sex while players seek for thrills.
There are all types of men and women everywhere and not just happened in the red dot.
 
Ting Yi,

Too bad you ain't a man, or Geylang will be bankrupted of business oredi. LOL~

Actually there r only two types of men... healthy and unhealthy men when it comes to sex.

For this case, it's like blood types...

High sex drive man (Blood AB) can fit in as a faithful guy to high sex drive and low sex drive woman.

But low sex drive man (Blood O) cannot fit into high sex drive woman.

Without love, any sex drive level of men will stray. LOL~
 
How about for those who claim to luv their wives yet stray outside the marriage?

and also those who are comfortable and faithful in their marriage even though sex is average?

Who's the unhealthy man?
 
Ting Yi,

How about for those who claim to luv their wives yet stray outside the marriage?

and also those who are comfortable and faithful in their marriage even though sex is average?

Who's the unhealthy man?

What is the relevance to TS or even Denise80's case?

Besides, I have explained sufficiently...

Average sex is not a problem lest when sex is a problem...

You'd need true love to last a lifetime, to make a man want you forever... till you cannot be wanted since you are too old for sex.

That's the reason some women seek only the One overseas, and local women thot marriage is but a decision. Then many are caught now or later... someone else appears... the third party.

A Darine Gal asked why... I replied... She chose. No why.

In today's society, love takes second place as compared to our parents' time. Individualism kicks in... Women married for all sorts of reasons... for versions of love they can't make sense of. Their men... mostly ain't around; many are married, but still very much alone.

Ting Yi, that's why Denise80's got a problem... She started out telling me how great was her husband... too incredible back then. Now, she revealed the real issues. They have a basic communication problem that she doesn't realise.

Tina at least realises the problem more than Denise80. But if Tina's man loves her, she can go ahead and reject 1000000 times, no problem. The problem starts only when at Nth time... someone new comes in...

And it's probable.

And yet... when Tina is too old... her husband will still be hungry for sex. That's when true love or the One comes in... and matters.

If you have not married the One, then you will have a problem.

Many local women simply don't understand why the One... and why he even existed... of a man who will love a woman forever. LOL~

Good luck.
 
Scopeguy, I think you are just contradicting yourself. First you started out that ALL men are looking for sex all the time. If he don't get it in a women, then he will get elsewhere like geylang to get it. Then you flip the switch and say that if the husband finds the ONE, he will stick to that women. However the woman can reject the ONE for 100000 times and the problem will start with someone new comes in. Your message that all men will always stray no matter what is not really truth. It might only applies to you and your circle of friends maybe.

I have know people who will always stray and is so proud of it and even show me video of that girl which i find that somewhat disturbing. But i also have friends who will never stray because of moral ethics or some other character or beliefs that they have. Even though they are the extreme ends and most people will be the in betweens, i guess you are really rare because you flip switches and claim that you are both extreme ends at the same time. LOL~
 
Scope Guy, the message that i gotten from you is that all guys will be hungry for sex and will always stray if he didn't get enough sex. Every scenario including finding the ONE will lead to the man straying if he didn't get enough in your own agruements. I agree with you that some men can be faithful after finding the ONE or true love. However, it is quite obvious that you don't believe in it despite saying that.
 
Lee, are you the next fat and ugly milo or full of shit powder who cannot accept another person's point of view ???
 
Hi Superman,(hopefully you are not the guy who went for surgery to look like him)

He himself is the one who is not accepting his own point of view. Citing one point of view yet counter his own views by stereotyping man in certain ways.
 
scope,

Hi Chocolatte,

funny man .

"It'd be very interesting for me to go around asking, "Hi lady, you got a high sex drive? If so, let's date..."


of course i don't mean to go around and ask ladies this question. What i meant was denise and her husband are on the same level when it comes to sex. so to them sex is essential but may not be the most important point in their marriage.
 
Scope, despite the problem I had with my hubby in terms of making love/babies, I don't see why my hubby is less loving because of that and hence I of course still think that we have a very good relationship going...couples who ain't that keen on sex anymore as compared to the past shouldn't be written off as having marital or communication problems or that the man is less loving or incredible as before..unless one is only looking for sex in a marriage and deems sex as the key ingredient in a marriage - which I still disagree with. In fact if I were to list the things my hubby and I do (other than the lack of high frequency / mind-blowing sex), I think many would be rather envious. And my case is clearly different from the rest..I don't have a hubby who hangs out late at night for drinking sessions or who are often missing in action or who doesn't touch me at all. He cuddles me to sleep, kisses me at night and in the morning, cooks for me etc...in short, the relationship is healthy. All I'm worried about is the low frequency of sex is not helping with making of babies and this could be also precisely one of the factors that led to stress on our part. In fact, we are too comical that we don't really enjoy sex anymore (which is funny in some sense). Also, scope, ppl do change overtime so when I said I had a very great hubby, I meant it...in the past and now and highlighting problems in my life is only saying that I don't have a 'perfect' relationship, never about my hubby not being great. He still is and I think for this matter, only my opinion matters.

If you, Scope, would like to contribute, you could perhaps suggest how couples can spice things up in the bedroom rather than highlighting that all men need sex and if ours don't, something is wrong with the man or woman or that there is serious communication problem - which is not helping?

And yes, Chocolate, sex is essential between my hubby and I but not the most impt pt in our marriage I feel. In the past, as bf/gf, I would classify it as mind-blowing sex but now, it's more like 'love' than pure animal instincts and coupled with work stress etc, both of us are just jaded and not aiming to have more than the once a week routine - to me to have babies, the timing is impt and we just can't seem to bring ourselves to it. That's the frustrating bit which I think singles wouldn't understand as they tend to overrate sex in every aspect.
 
Denise80,

I guess it is premature to talk to you more on this. But this is me goodwill helping you to sound the alarm. After all... what is the point of sounding an alarm if you already know... LOL~

Yeah, I read you. Denise80, there is something you just don't understand.

Your case will be the same... when the sweet young thing comes. Seriously, I don't see much difference. But... LOL~

Hey, no offence. Good luck, Denise80.

Lee,

You don't know how to read? LOL~

Chocolatte,

Hmmm...

I think Denise80 has a tendency to beautify her marriage... It's always... Oh, there looks a problem but it's nothing... Oh, we got an issue, but it's beautiful... Everything is painted too positively on her side that begs one to think (if you care enough to) that...

"So it's no big deal on your side, what about the other side?"

I can UNDERSTAND perfectly Denise80 from a woman's point of view. But she doesn't seem to understand the 'basic instinct' of men... I believe in love, but I also believe in science, not to mention... I myself am a man.

It's never the most important point in a marriage... until a sweet young thing comes by.

Look around this forum only, how many women ain't got caught by surprise?

Of course, before something does happen... it seems alarm will be ignored. Just as well... I just camp for a good show. LOL~

Why am I so naughty... ... ... Hehehe
~
 
Denise, enjoy your marriage. There is no need to conform to what another see as normal. How adnormal scope or another think you guys are, doesn't doesn't deprive a single happiness from your marriage. It is very easy for one to pinpoint on a single aspect as the generic reason for happiness or unhappiness. But, everyone is different. We do not marry the entire population but one unique person. There will be generic gender traits, the awareness and recognition of these traits doesn't mean it will always be relevant in every scenario and aspect. Sounding the alarm, why not? Not every alert has to be a risky one. There are false alarms as well.

For sure, everyone will have their own view. As long as the couple is fulfilled in their relationship, enjoy it. There will never be a single winning strategy. What works for you probably isn't for another. Each and everyone will find our own strategy that is the most relevant for our own context.
 
Milo,

Don't put words into my horny mouth... I never think Denise80 and Co is abnormal.

When the huat will you ever change???
 
sorry, not adnormal but unhealthy.

Not to worry. if there is an error, just point it out like u did.
 
Milo,

Whatever.

Just don't paste me ugly photo here again WITHOUT me consent, and...

Are you one of those weirdos at EDMW???
 
Wasn't you the smartalec who pasted the TINY photo from me facebook to here???

Maybe me recall wrongly.

Anyway, that EDMW is damn siao one... but entertaining for a while.
 


Scope Guy,

Yes i don't know how to read 2 different books at the same time while citing theories from both to support one another. Esp when the 2 books are titled 'The Game' and 'The Hopeless Romance'

But i am rather curious about your version of 'The One' and the characteristics that makes you faithful to her. And to what level and extend are you willing to be faithful for your 'The One'. It would be interesting enough for you to share with us.
 
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