Break up when we were working things out...

[ClearFriday]

My ex fiance and I had a number of huge fights in the past few months and he broke up with me after one of them. We knew that we had communication issues and I knew i had temper issues, and realised that I didnt really understand him during the past few fights. I convinced him that i would learn to understand him better and proposed couple counselling to help fix our issues. We went for a few sessions but we havent identified and dealt with the root problems causing my frustrations and bad temper towards him. I tend to overthink and trying to find out the root problem really stressed me out, such that i lost my temper with him and hurt him very much again. Ever since, he's been adamant about moving on, not wanting to be hurt again, and we're not on talking terms. During this fight, I realised that it was always my lack of emotional control when i get frustrated, and it was my poor irrational handling of the situation which caused me to hurt him the past few times, one way or another. The source of the frustration did not matter. wanting to salvage our relationship, i approached our counsellor again for advice. I really love him, I'm really committed, and i'd do everything I can to not hurt him again, but it takes time and he might not have the patience. I wrote him a note to explain all these and proposed ways forward but I don't think it matters anymore. I'm in great pain after breaking up twice, especially after we had planned our wonderful future together, and knowing that i had realised my flaws too late which ruined the relationship we had forged. I'm really torn and I've never been so depressed before.

 

[beaverjuice]

Sorry, that's a huge wall of text but what was the root cause of your frustration again?

 

[ClearFriday]

Sorry, that's a huge wall of text but what was the root cause of your frustration again?

After some thinking I narrowed down two things, him not understanding and disregarding my point of view (we're both guilty of that), and that he doesn't seem to be committed enough but on hindsight its because of the hurt that I've caused him.

 

[beaverjuice]

Why's that? ie. him disregarding your POV? Does he talk over you and doesn't practice "reflective listening"? Is he a highly opinionated and stubborn person?

 

[ClearFriday]

Why's that? ie. him disregarding your POV? Does he talk over you and doesn't practice "reflective listening"? Is he a highly opinionated and stubborn person?

No no, he has a soft personality, I'm the dominant one... We're just both not very good at listening and understanding each other yet, especially when we are arguing. That's what the counsellor also gathered from our sharing so far.

 

[MyENV]

Continue to go counselling for your healing and maybe depression.
Read:
1)How to Want to Get Over a Breakup (by Jen Kim) 2) 4 Ways to Successfully Manage a Breakup (by Jill P.Weber) 3) 4Ways to Not Beat Yourself Up Over Your Breakup (by Jill P.Weber).
Psychologytoday.com

 

[beaverjuice]

No no, he has a soft personality, I'm the dominant one... We're just both not very good at listening and understanding each other yet, especially when we are arguing. That's what the counsellor also gathered from our sharing so far.

Ahh .... and what has been his response so far? He's adamant to move on?

 

[GreatScotch]

My ex fiance and I had a number of huge fights in the past few months and he broke up with me after one of them. We knew that we had communication issues and I knew i had temper issues, and realised that I didnt really understand him during the past few fights. I convinced him that i would learn to understand him better and proposed couple counselling to help fix our issues. We went for a few sessions but we havent identified and dealt with the root problems causing my frustrations and bad temper towards him. I tend to overthink and trying to find out the root problem really stressed me out, such that i lost my temper with him and hurt him very much again. Ever since, he's been adamant about moving on, not wanting to be hurt again, and we're not on talking terms. During this fight, I realised that it was always my lack of emotional control when i get frustrated, and it was my poor irrational handling of the situation which caused me to hurt him the past few times, one way or another. The source of the frustration did not matter. wanting to salvage our relationship, i approached our counsellor again for advice. I really love him, I'm really committed, and i'd do everything I can to not hurt him again, but it takes time and he might not have the patience. I wrote him a note to explain all these and proposed ways forward but I don't think it matters anymore. I'm in great pain after breaking up twice, especially after we had planned our wonderful future together, and knowing that i had realised my flaws too late which ruined the relationship we had forged. I'm really torn and I've never been so depressed before.

Do consider giving him space. Give him 1 month to sort things out. If he contacts you during this month then there's a chance you two can work out. But if you don't hear from him after 1 month, at least you know it's over. He knows both of you have been putting in efforts to make things work but drew naught when evaluating results. Give him some time to himself and if he is meant to be yours, he will return to you.

You are emotionally attached to him now but lacks control of your emotions. It is fortunate both of you aren't married yet. If he is adamant on moving on without you, take it as lesson learnt for you and try to treat your next one better.