Before Marriage fear

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dancerulez12

New Member
Hi everyone,

Im engaged. but the thing is, i am having doubts now. let me explain the entire story first.

I knew him at work and we started out as flings. start of our relationships were full of ups and downs. i believe cheating already started then but i was not aware and i was actually happy being with him. last year after his birthday, things got worst and he started hanging out late till wee hours... lying me constantly to meet other girls.. and even till the extent sleeping with them (which he admitted about it ltr on)

afterwhich, i decide to give him the first chance and accept it.. then, he confirmed that i was the one he wanna settle down..

soon, we book our ROM place.. pay deposit for our house renovation.. signed the hdb appointment..and then few weeks back he proposed to me.. but then all this while.. i tot he did not lie to me again.. i even went to the extent to track him using apps and check his phone and found out that he lied several times...

when i went crazy and confronted him, i always in the wrong rather he was at fault. i give in still.. but the question is.. does he even know why i did it this way..

i see the sudden change in him after the first major quarrel when i wanted to end the R/s.. he seldom go out that much and even spent more time with me...

he told me tat because we are getting married he has never slept with anyone else anymore..

the truth does hurt. but now, i am with fear that things may happened again. i have stopped tracking him or check his phone and this was what i promised him.

Can anyone tell me what should i really do? my ROM is just few more weeks...
 


I can only tell you this, he'd definitely fug someone else again...

Whether to proceed on with the ROM is not my business... It's yours.
 
I was only telling you what you are thinking...

A guy will change, definitely... if you are the One. On hindsight, he did fug other women when he was with you... only that he err... temporarily stop or slow things down for you.

Logically speaking... I'd consider myself a safe gambler by betting he would fug someone else, and you are at risk of STDs such as HSV2...

Lemme explain this... if you are the One, the respect and love for you WILL make him only fug you and no one else, because he knows that will hurt you.

Like I said, ROM or not will be your business. Not mine.
 
Thanks for sharing with me on this Scope Guy. Every step in life is always a risk, be it in work, relationship or anything we do.

I really wanna know how or what can i do. Thats all.
 
Feel like gambling? LOL~

Well...

In a way, you ALREADY know what you can do and how to do it. Obviously, you are very bothered about him sleeping elsewhere...

And deep inside you, this idea keeps ringing.

Yet as a woman, you desire marriage. And here's a guy you have invested time and sex in...

Decision, decision, decision...

Seriously, do you think he'd change?
Do you think you don't mind him sleeping around?
Are you going to go on checking his phones and such till you guys fight and tear at each other?

Well...

Will you go on with the ROM?

How do I know? Isn't it?
 
hey babe,

go catch the dutch movie 'Stricken' if u can (showing at lido now)...

or read the novel 'Love Life' (by Kluun) on which it is based.

i must add that audience's reaction to this movie/book tend to be polarized...

but either way, u'll get to know urself better...

of what u Can accept and what u Can't
happy.gif
 
Scope Guy: Yes, i am seriously very bothered about this and constantly questioning myself because things has happened before and im afraid it will happen again.

I just need that assurance time to time again just to make sure my decision was right and i wont regret.

Junkie: Is that movie relating about what is happening for me?
 
Babygirl12,

Sadly speaking, no matter how much assurance you got, you yourself ain't assuring yourself.

And you know it.

You knew the odds from the beginning. So why asked?
 
Junkie:
I just read through about Stricken and its similiar to how i felt. I guess all this while i have accepted him for who he was right in the beginning, and realised i started to get picky and annoyed by all this nonsense he gave me.

Come to think of it, he told me because i understand him well enough which he thinks i am the one for him.

I have accepted this flaws of him and why should i choose to be funny at this moment right?

Haha. and thanks! i will go and watch this movie soon!
 
"but then all this while.. i tot he did not lie to me again.. i even went to the extent to track him using apps and check his phone and found out that he lied several times"

Yeah, I believe you... LOL!!!
 
I must protest on behalf of guys...

There are indeed guys who can be faithful... when they met the women they love.

I WAS a devoted lover till I was betrayed. So you can't say there ain't guys who are devoted to love.

When a guy meets his One, resistance to other women becomes unusually high, and he'd accompany the woman thru her old age, beyond menopause and beyond the decay of beauty.

That's why the One.

What you are telling me is... you don't see value in yourself.

Dun be misled by Junkie and her bunch of novels and movies... You know what you want, or what you don't want.

And you know you don't like to be lied at.

And worse...

You know he is full of lies direct at your face.

There are white lies, my dear... but you are obviously not his one and only. You know it.

You are just finding an excuse for yourself. And now you are telling me you know guys... when you are not even a guy. LOL~

Yeah, I believe you...
 
You know, he is not the guy who introduce even gf to his friends.. even his mum came telling me. its the first time they hear their son calling me as a wife to be.

i even asked his friends if he even bring his gf to meet them, and all say nope and i was the only one they saw.

previously, even his gf are just friends.

So which should i believe?
 
Let me entertain your madness one last time before I leave for the noon...

Here is a guy who told you he only have you in his heart...

His action: He lied to you and fugged other women...

Your action: You take those words seriously.

I don't know about his mother, but if I were to be your mother...

Hmmm... Have you told all these to your mother yet? LOL~ I will be very interested to know what her response would be.

Lastly, you will make your decision, you will choose to gamble or not. Not my problem.
 
"I have accepted this flaws of him and why should i choose to be funny at this moment right?"

well u'll hv to think ur hardest before arriving at this decision (to accept or not), dun act rashly
happy.gif


as for the film, it's actually quite uncomfortable to watch (nude scenes notwithstanding) :P

cos it confronts ur inner demons and makes u re-examine ur value system...

u end up asking urself qtns u dun care to to think abt in ur care-free mode...

do reflect before u make the leap babe
happy.gif



ps. to some, or should i say many, sex and love r two different entities... it's just a matter of personal preference.
 
Maybe what he said is true, he love you and only u he will marry but it doesn't mean that he will stop sleeping around with other gals especially you have caught him not once. Since he cannot stay faithful with you from the start, what makes you think he will change after the marriage?
 
Hi Babygirl,
By agreeing to marry him despite knowing he is fooling around outside MEANS that you are actually giving him the "permission" to do it after marriage.
Think twice and go ahead if you can close one eye or both after u sign on the dotted line.

I almost married a guy like that and that was the advice my dad gave me.
Just my 2 cents worth.
 
Since you are already having doubt before marriage, why do you still want to leap into it, esp you yourself acknowledge that he is constantly lying? If you think marriage is going to change him, you might be wrong.

Do you marry for the sake that ROM date is fixed up already? Or for the sake that you have to hand in your ROM cert for your HDB? Think twice - these are easier to unwind than having to go thru divorce later, esp if you have kids.

Yes, everything is with risk, including marriage. But you know him best than any of us, whether he is worth the risk. It's your choice and it's your life.
 
Hi All,
Really thanks for sharing. i know what you all meant and trying to say here. I am still young and do not necessary need to rush for marriage.

I will just see what i can do about this relationship before i make the final decision whether to sign on the paper or not.

I definitely do not want to have regrets in my life and to face all these shit in the future..
 
well remove all idealistic notions u hv of marriage and be brutally honest with urself...

that might help u in making the suitable choice.

and remember this:

dun go for the perfect human being...

try for the perfect fit instead.

he has to be the perfect fit that fits u perfectly...

i mean really fits u and won't mess u up...

not now, and hopefully, not future....

that's what matters most.
 
u wrote : "I mean, where on earth is there a guy still as faithful?"

This is self deceiving frog in well thinking. Every individual is different. We acknowledge gender traits and instinctive patterns and urges. We do not convince ourselves that our partner has somehow no responsibility of control over who they are and their actions. Accepting our partner for who they are doesn't mean bluffing yourself.

There are many reasons that contribute to faithfulness. It includes the quality of the relationship where both plays key role in. If clear evidence that this individual is a player and you cannot deal with that reality, don't kid yourself. Not everyone is a player. Just acknowledge that he is one. Your decision is about your relationship with him. Not about other men. You do not need excuses or such lame reasons to convince yourself. Recognise him for who he is, no need to generalize and label everyone else.
 
Actually why not sign the papers... you can always divorce. You ain't a virgin, so it doesn't matter.

Besides, you still get half of his assets if you walk away then. You get nothing if you shake him off now... LOL~
 
babygirl...

u dun choose a shitty unfaithful guy and then lie to yourself that all the guys in the world are like that.

most of the posts seem to be dipped in denial... and is wrapped around your inability to leave him. u can bluff yourself abt your intentions... but deep inside u're just too afraid to let go of this one.

anyway u have to ask yourself if what i said is true.. .and if u're looking at marriage like something of a degree... everyone gets it and u're getting it too... regardless of suitability nor consequences.
 
My thoughts:
Why so many girls have so much difficulties to leave a guy? No man can die??? After reading so many threads of agony of marriage, why still want to step one leg into it and rant here about all the problems? If you know you are having already problems with a guy, why still want to step into marriage?
 
becos mine is different from the rest...

it's different cos it's mine...

that's why it's worth a try and worth ranting abt...
 
A Reader,

You are just a moron, what do you know?

It's called emotional attachment, and to a girl this is a big issue at times. When you become more mature, you maybe can understand.

Don't you ever feel strongly for anyone? Anyone not that apparently perfect?

Moron...
 
Scope
Those that you have bedded are even a bigger moron to be bedded by a big moron like you.

Talk about emotional attachment? Do you have emotional attachment? If you do, how do you and those you have bedded will feel? After you bed them and ditch them? Apparently no emotional feeling since you and those you have bedded can just continue to do so, one after after.
 
junkie... if its different... then why the attempt to lie to herself by labelling everyone else a unfaithful?

Anything cannot accept, blame it as generic trait, anything she likes about him, its because he is different.

OK, I get u.

Emotional attachment isn't rocket science, Facts don't lie. If she needs a wake up call, better she get it this way than experience years of painful marriage.
 
Problems are always there and i chose this relationship in the first place. The reason why i rant out the problems i have is not about getting positive or negative feedback but its a space i can share it out and ask people whom i dont know let me know what should be done and what is not to be done.

Junkie: i guess you somehow understand me.

If the guy i have can give me everything and everything, but just this flaw alone makes me wonder. Should i give up this 85% of his good because of 15% of his bad? or should i accept it?

Afterall, this is one thing i still need to convince myself. And all of you are right, i can back out anytime right before marriage.

Im not a selfish person because i think about others too much than myself, which is why i always get hurt. I have to consider about his friends opinion, i have to consider for his parents who are old age and retiring soon and needed the money for retirement.

I have never met a guy like him before who treats me extremely nice (minus off his flaws) and also i feel i wont be ill treated badly as a wife for the family.

So tell me, i really cant rant about the problems i have when i have mixed feelings?
 
Scope
Grow up and be more mature. This is call é•¿ç—›ä¸å¦‚短痛。They already have cracks and issues before marriage, why still marry? So what if there are emotional attachment? To marry just for the sake of the time already invested in the man, so it will be a waste if not married to this man?

What about the waste of rest of her life and more emotional baggage when there are more problems and cracks after marriage? What about the suffering when innocent kids are brought into picture?

Issues already appeared. No matter how the man promises to change, the same issue will continue to dwell upon her even after marriage. She will be suspicious of any of his late home coming, any close relationship with any women (even if it might be just v close friends or colleagues), etc.

Scope
You are the one who needs to grow up and be mautre. Stop idolising love. Love is not that great to gamble your whole life with. Better to wake up early than to continue for the sake of the so called emotional attachment.
 
Babygirl
You have doubts. You fear the same things will happen again.

You think he understands you and gives you everything. If he is so, you will not have doubts. He will listen to you, and stop all the lying and the sleeping around. If he is so, you will not have doubts and will not need to rant and will not need to fear.

Why should you consider his friends' opinion? Why should you consider his parents' opinion? It's your life, your marriage, you should consider only your opinion.

Since you have doubts, why don't defer the marriage and give yourself a little more time to assess him? Have you seen the sincerity in his wanting to change? Or he is just entertaininig you by saying you are the only one he wants to settle down with and he will not fool around? It maybe also emotional attachment that he feels he has invested time with you, the ROM date has been fixed, the house is ready, so it is easier just to proceed with the ROM. But it does not mean he will stop fooling around.

If he does feel it is wrong to fool around, why would he do so in the first place? Some more - constant lying, as mentioned by you.

Ranting does not solve your problems. Ok, now you have ranted - have you solved your problems? You are still in doubt, right?
 
babe,

try to look at ur problem from a 3rd person's point of view... u gain more clarity that way
happy.gif


and no milo,

not "because he is different"...

it's "my problem is different" :P
 
Babygirl, you can rant all you want. Your call your life. You just cannot wish for things the way you want. Just because you haven't met a better guy doesn't mean there isn't anyone better.

Calm down... naturally, others will point out the issues. Lying to yourself will not change anything. If you cannot accept him for who he is, you will always be miserable and upset over it. You said this yourself "I definitely do not want to have regrets in my life and to face all these shit in the future.."

So, why make the decision that is likely going to lead you to regret?

Junkie, you are right. lolz
Its always the 'you are not in my shoes' mentality. If that's really the case, don't expect empathy. When a person is emotional and contradicting, demands the right to stay this way, what more can one say? Good luck. I'm not you, I will never be in your shoes, so, your rants is meaningless. Hope you will feel better after ranting, else too bad.
 
A Reader,

You are just a moron... Obviously you don't understand, explain to you you also refuse to grow. Have it your way then...

Not that I never encountered morons before...

Immature morons...
 
Scope
It's ok I am a moron. But that does not make you any less a moron than me.

And with your so-called emotional attachment, you are doomed with not letting go of your love who chose another man instead.
 
One fact for sure, i know he is serious in settling down with me.

And yes, i know i have doubts about this marriage and fear that same thing will happen. Especially when nowadays news articles are showing guys or girls having affair. i just dont want it to happen to me.

People often tell me; is either you close one eye or both or leave this shit out of your life.

I am just stuck in between and dont know which options to choose.

But thanks all
happy.gif
i know i need to straighten out my thoughts about this and decides what is best for me.
 
erm, kinda different from the 'you are not in my shoes' mentality...

and we are all guitly of the same crime...

just different issue that's all
happy.gif
 
Babygirl,

You haven't told me what your mother said...

This sort of things, have you told your mother when you are 'consulting' a forum of strangers? LOL~

I am still waiting...

Sometimes, my dear... the perfect way to tear up this relationship if you can't do so rationally is to borrow strenght from your parents.

I can perfectly understand your concern where these morons can't...

After all, many girls like bad boys, like bees to honey, like a drug addiction. You are not the first I met.

Some morons used to question me, why the fug I (seem to) blame the woman when a marriage fails... Woman, it's up to you to decide. You make the decision. You bear the consequence. You can't blame the man...

From the start... I already told you, I was just telling you what you are thinking... You must have liked the boy very much, and love is blind. I know...

You know he lied to you...
You know he doesn't respect you...
You know he is an infidel right from the start...
You know you like him alot...

This is a woman madly in love.

The only difference me and that man of yours is... When I can't love a woman, I'd say goodbye, but he is marrying you. Our women love us... but err...

Marriage is not just a romance, my dear.

It's not something like choosing someone you think is best, and then make her a wife or what. It doesn't work that way.

I treated my women very nice as well... great romance, great sex, great company... but that doesn't mean it'd be great for marriage.

What if he got STDs and passes it to you? What if he got a baby with someone else? What if some women bang your doors everyday telling you to back off when you are old...? You sure you can take that? What if you got children? How are you going to explain the situation?

Is he really the One? But he doesn't respect you... he said he love you only, and his action is fugging other women...

One day you will grow old, ugly and weak... you sure he'd be the One to be by your side?
 
Babygirl.... remember what junkie said about perfect fit

"not now, and hopefully, not future."

Don't make decisions based on hopes. You place your trust on someone because you have the confidence in him, not because you hope he will become someone he isn't.
 
A Reader,

Fug off, moron... You don't even know love and you are opening your mouth too wide too often.

So what if I love a married woman?

So what if I can't let go?

So what if I'd wait for her... and fug other women?

Your problem?

Must I ask for your permission to pick up girls... and must the girls ask your permission to be fugged by me?

Who do you think you are to make that judgement?

Immature morons...
 
Scope
I expected it - as usual, nothing you say make sense, just know how to call everyone moron.

It's ok, Moron. I have no emotional baggage, you can continue with yours, not my business anyway. Happy carrying with your emotional baggage, while happily f*king so many women.
 
A Reader,

Fug off, just keep your mouth shut if you already said you don't understand the fug is going on...

You expected this? Why haven't you shut up?

It's as if you have that many experience with that many women...

It's never emotional baggage. Though it hurts, it makes me alive.

Only a robot can erase true love that ever happened.

You people are like a bunch of assh0les drafting a bunch of laws and expecting every matter of the hearts to conform to those 'commandments' when you are not God...

And you like to judge...

MORONS. LOL~
 
Scope, i have not told my mum about it yet as i haven get the chance to talk to her. me and my family arent that close and i dont really talk to my parents about my problem because i dont want them worry for me.

Milo, ur right. "You place your trust on someone because you have the confidence in him" I have that trust for him but it was all broken just like a mirror.

Just feel that, i provide what you say, great romance, great sex and company. but isnt that enough ? i have confidence with how i look and portray myself to others, isnt this enough?

Many guys tell me that my guy is so lucky to have me, but... Sigh..
 
Scope,
dont be so mean to scold people morons. I started out this thread to get people's opinion on my relationship and not for you to keep scolding people.

People feeling troubled here now you know?
 
Babygirl,

Guessed as well. I mean the part you ain't close to your parents.

Now is the time, since you are getting emmm... married.

I just want you to listen carefully and know this...

If he is SERIOUSLY going to settle with you, he would not have bedded other girls while you are around... because he'd have cared about you, he'd want to protect you, he don't want to hurt you, and you are really the one and only.

But of course... like I said, you can just marry him. If he isn't caught sleeping around, fine. If he does, you divorce and get the assets. Of course, the problem comes when you spent too much youth on him, and if you do eventually leave him, you might be too old to find the One...

But seriously, ask yourself... can you really leave him?

I can feel... you are a very very young girl, probably the type who clubs alot, probably very pretty... but you will grow old.

No matter how you decide, I wish you the best.

Please emmm... update me on what your mom says... I'm curious. She'd be in the position to tell you what to do, not us.
 


Scope,
Actually im turning 23 soon and my guy is already 30. He has stopped sleeping around i guess, but the most tell lies to me about meeting other girls.

I was a dancer and love dancing but dont club as much already because it just make me look for horrible with the constant drinking and staying up late.

He has constantly tell me into my eyes that, he can only love 1 women and he will treat me good and be there for me. This is the part where i am confused on what to do next.

I will talk to my mum soon and no worries, will update you luh
happy.gif
 
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