Anyone can help me?
- Thread starter lost_babe
- Start date
@Powder, Opal & sm,
Of course I know posting in this forum will not give me the truth... Of course I don't want to keep on guessing and live forever in the dark... That's why I choose to confront him but ended up he just replied it is not related to us and none our business, why bother other people business... That's why I asked him what he want now, he can't continue like that don't bother about us and not telling me the truth. At least either telling me he wants a divorce or he wants to salvage this marriage but he just don't give me an answer, just said that he is just busy doing his things... Previously I have already done everything that you guys had suggested me to do and still no answer from him... I thought I can get some ideas on how to salvage my marriage or any people in the same boat can share from this forum, that's why I am here...
Btw, thanks all for your comments and suggestions...
Of course I know posting in this forum will not give me the truth... Of course I don't want to keep on guessing and live forever in the dark... That's why I choose to confront him but ended up he just replied it is not related to us and none our business, why bother other people business... That's why I asked him what he want now, he can't continue like that don't bother about us and not telling me the truth. At least either telling me he wants a divorce or he wants to salvage this marriage but he just don't give me an answer, just said that he is just busy doing his things... Previously I have already done everything that you guys had suggested me to do and still no answer from him... I thought I can get some ideas on how to salvage my marriage or any people in the same boat can share from this forum, that's why I am here...
Btw, thanks all for your comments and suggestions...
lost babe,
No. The question is not what he wants. But after having gone through all these... what do you want?
It is YOU not HIM that you should be concern with.
Are you prepared to end the marriage? Ask yourself instead of asking him.. He is going to evade and not answer. He is going to siam.. so, what are you going to do? Are you going to be in this mode?
If not. Stand-up to what you want. But if you can't get him to respond, you have to take action. Ending the marriage is an option.
You have to take charge of your life instead of depending on other people to respond.
No. The question is not what he wants. But after having gone through all these... what do you want?
It is YOU not HIM that you should be concern with.
Are you prepared to end the marriage? Ask yourself instead of asking him.. He is going to evade and not answer. He is going to siam.. so, what are you going to do? Are you going to be in this mode?
If not. Stand-up to what you want. But if you can't get him to respond, you have to take action. Ending the marriage is an option.
You have to take charge of your life instead of depending on other people to respond.
mum_of_2_girls
New Member
Hi Lost Babe,
I think you don't have the courage to divorce with 2 young kids, that's why you hope your intuitions are wrong.
The easy way out is to close one eyes and pretend everything normal. Be your cheerful self, maybe your hubby will be more open and discuss with you the issues.
From this, maybe your hubby and you can overcome the financial crisis and third party.
Please be patient. This will take months.
I think you don't have the courage to divorce with 2 young kids, that's why you hope your intuitions are wrong.
The easy way out is to close one eyes and pretend everything normal. Be your cheerful self, maybe your hubby will be more open and discuss with you the issues.
From this, maybe your hubby and you can overcome the financial crisis and third party.
Please be patient. This will take months.
I can tell you. The difficult part is not about the children (for sure taking care of young children is no mean feat) but the realization and acceptance that the marriage is gone and beyond hope.
Once you have accepted this planning for it should not be that difficult.
Tell me, how are the children being taking care of now? Tell me who is providing the financials? Or the care and control? It is more a psychological burden than a physical one (I am not downplaying the physical aspects - yes, it can be tiring). But once you have the psychological strength, everything is possible.
Once you have accepted this planning for it should not be that difficult.
Tell me, how are the children being taking care of now? Tell me who is providing the financials? Or the care and control? It is more a psychological burden than a physical one (I am not downplaying the physical aspects - yes, it can be tiring). But once you have the psychological strength, everything is possible.
hi, Lost
Why should he want a divorce when he see no repercussion from your side even when you have questioned his trust and faithfulness, life goes on as usual for him. He is able to brush you aside every time you question him precisely he understand you wont do anything drastic like divorce due to the kids, then, why should he cares? He can enjoy the best of both worlds and I wonder whether he did give you any money for household expense if not, he even want to maintain status quo or he will have paid alimony when divorce by law……………….how long can you live in such situation? another 2, 4, 6 years....
Why should he want a divorce when he see no repercussion from your side even when you have questioned his trust and faithfulness, life goes on as usual for him. He is able to brush you aside every time you question him precisely he understand you wont do anything drastic like divorce due to the kids, then, why should he cares? He can enjoy the best of both worlds and I wonder whether he did give you any money for household expense if not, he even want to maintain status quo or he will have paid alimony when divorce by law……………….how long can you live in such situation? another 2, 4, 6 years....
yup, it makes wonderful sense for a guy to live this way... u have kids taken care of by a wife so u'll have offsprings. and then u go ahead and have another life outside of it... wife is basically free + can even earn their own money... compared with nurseries, maids etc...
if divorced n pay alimony + child maintenance - alot more expensive, definitely have to stick to only 1 hotel instead of 2. and cannot book plane tickets liao, everything stay within the region and best take bus to cameron and genting
if divorced n pay alimony + child maintenance - alot more expensive, definitely have to stick to only 1 hotel instead of 2. and cannot book plane tickets liao, everything stay within the region and best take bus to cameron and genting
Can anyone advise me how much is the divorce fees and how much is the lawyer fee if just seeking the lawyer's advise. I wish to gather some info first before getting into decision. E.g. a) I am the 1st owner of our hdb and the deposit and installments are deducted from my CPF a/c. If divorce, is it that the flat must be sold and the money distributed equally to us or the flat is belonged to me as I am the one paying, I got the rights to sell or not and if sold, will he get the share? b) Is it compulsory for him to pay alimony + child maintenance? What if he really in financial difficulties and unable to pay? c) If he bankrupts or in financial difficulties, will it affects me like seize my hdb?
Proposing a solution .. you can consider but you must be determined enough to get through the different stages without relenting....quite simple also..
Start a Divorce.. (now.. don't get all uptight and stuff).. Do it in stages
1_ Announced to him you want a divorce and you are sick of being keep in the dark. Even whatever happen to the other gal is NOYB, he should still have consider YOUR Feelings. you r his wife.
2_ Move out of the house and separate your financial accounts to show that you are serious..
3_ Announced to him that you are filling for custody and alimony
4_ Contact a lawyer to go about doing it and issue a formal statement to ur now-ex.
Perhaps, his reaction at different stages could shed a little light into his mindset.
When he is unmoved/little/superfical reactin at the stage 1. He is probably thinking that you are faking it. He is unaffected by what you claim you might do.. A perception is that he is not overtly concern...
Once you moved out for a period of time (1-2 weeks?) and he still is not looking to explain to you or getting feasible solutions to have a deep chat withyou and to work things out; it would mean that life without you is the same and you are just a mere "companion" in the house. If he flinches or get upset when you talk about separating the accounts, you will understand that it is the "joint" money that he is looking at...
When you announce to him in different point of time that you will be filling for alimony and custody. Take note of what he react more to, the children or the prospect that he have to pay out money. You will know what is important to him.
At the point of getting a lawyer to formalise the proceeding.. if there is still no "action" of resolving thing from him.. Please.. go and get a divorce because from the start to the end, you may meant nothing to him..
Of course, at any point in time, if you feel that your husband attempts to speak to you on the matter and seek to actively salvage the relationship, you can put a stop to the divorce proceedings...but at least you let him know you are serious about not letting the matter continue..
Hmm.. i do not have 100% confidence, this will work.. but hey.. in theory.. it sounds quite plausible.
Start a Divorce.. (now.. don't get all uptight and stuff).. Do it in stages
1_ Announced to him you want a divorce and you are sick of being keep in the dark. Even whatever happen to the other gal is NOYB, he should still have consider YOUR Feelings. you r his wife.
2_ Move out of the house and separate your financial accounts to show that you are serious..
3_ Announced to him that you are filling for custody and alimony
4_ Contact a lawyer to go about doing it and issue a formal statement to ur now-ex.
Perhaps, his reaction at different stages could shed a little light into his mindset.
When he is unmoved/little/superfical reactin at the stage 1. He is probably thinking that you are faking it. He is unaffected by what you claim you might do.. A perception is that he is not overtly concern...
Once you moved out for a period of time (1-2 weeks?) and he still is not looking to explain to you or getting feasible solutions to have a deep chat withyou and to work things out; it would mean that life without you is the same and you are just a mere "companion" in the house. If he flinches or get upset when you talk about separating the accounts, you will understand that it is the "joint" money that he is looking at...
When you announce to him in different point of time that you will be filling for alimony and custody. Take note of what he react more to, the children or the prospect that he have to pay out money. You will know what is important to him.
At the point of getting a lawyer to formalise the proceeding.. if there is still no "action" of resolving thing from him.. Please.. go and get a divorce because from the start to the end, you may meant nothing to him..
Of course, at any point in time, if you feel that your husband attempts to speak to you on the matter and seek to actively salvage the relationship, you can put a stop to the divorce proceedings...but at least you let him know you are serious about not letting the matter continue..
Hmm.. i do not have 100% confidence, this will work.. but hey.. in theory.. it sounds quite plausible.
Lol.. is the suggestion a "no good" one *finger crossed*?
If I say no to your answer, will it lessen my credibility in my posts... *opps* hope not...
As some might have inferred from my other responses in the different posts, Truth to be told, no bf, no husband at the moment.. but i always have been my unoffical GFriends' advisor and I was told that I am good at giving insights and suggestin actions..(?) . Usually, I offer perspective and suggest action/possible reactions, they implement if it sounds reasonable..works out 65-75% to what i "guess" might happen..
I did however suggested a similar course of action to one of my GF whose husband cannot stop putting work and his colleagues infront of her to an extreme stage. Is like a living widow, won't go into much further details on this..(personal la) but similar to Lostgal's case, the husband was indiffrent to all her attempts to salvage then.
in her case, she stopped at the first stage going on to the second ..the guy took her seriously when she started packing and they had a few discussion and went to counselling .. so they are still together for the moment..
If I say no to your answer, will it lessen my credibility in my posts... *opps* hope not...
As some might have inferred from my other responses in the different posts, Truth to be told, no bf, no husband at the moment.. but i always have been my unoffical GFriends' advisor and I was told that I am good at giving insights and suggestin actions..(?) . Usually, I offer perspective and suggest action/possible reactions, they implement if it sounds reasonable..works out 65-75% to what i "guess" might happen..
I did however suggested a similar course of action to one of my GF whose husband cannot stop putting work and his colleagues infront of her to an extreme stage. Is like a living widow, won't go into much further details on this..(personal la) but similar to Lostgal's case, the husband was indiffrent to all her attempts to salvage then.
in her case, she stopped at the first stage going on to the second ..the guy took her seriously when she started packing and they had a few discussion and went to counselling .. so they are still together for the moment..
i normally look at the person...
suggestions are good, unfortunately it's not gonna happen. she will say she wanna look at this, but more to please the audience and hope that something her husband does will allow her to stop... then she will just go thru the motion, at every opportunity - pausing. eventually she'll stop after spending time getting the info.
things can only work if the person u're advising, is actually convinced and not half-hearted.
i can honestly tell u that even if her husband admits to affairs, she will find herself begging him to stay after the initial furore, and willing to take 2nd place...
when all else fails and she stays, she will tell herself that she's doing it for the kids...
Let's just say abt 90% of her questions have answers on the hdb website where u just need to type "hdb" and the rest is in the other threads. a person who is looking at these options seriously will do more the current.
she is dependent by nature, and is a follower, she needs a leader in order to have action, else most of the approach will remain passive and exploratory and just keep the possibilities at the peripherals.
there are at least 8/10 things she wants to do, which she has not done, and her reason is that she is waiting for Something, Someone, or Someday... most of it is likely to be Someone, and that someone would be her husband.
i do hope i'm wrong, but that's just a hope.
suggestions are good, unfortunately it's not gonna happen. she will say she wanna look at this, but more to please the audience and hope that something her husband does will allow her to stop... then she will just go thru the motion, at every opportunity - pausing. eventually she'll stop after spending time getting the info.
things can only work if the person u're advising, is actually convinced and not half-hearted.
i can honestly tell u that even if her husband admits to affairs, she will find herself begging him to stay after the initial furore, and willing to take 2nd place...
when all else fails and she stays, she will tell herself that she's doing it for the kids...
Let's just say abt 90% of her questions have answers on the hdb website where u just need to type "hdb" and the rest is in the other threads. a person who is looking at these options seriously will do more the current.
she is dependent by nature, and is a follower, she needs a leader in order to have action, else most of the approach will remain passive and exploratory and just keep the possibilities at the peripherals.
there are at least 8/10 things she wants to do, which she has not done, and her reason is that she is waiting for Something, Someone, or Someday... most of it is likely to be Someone, and that someone would be her husband.
i do hope i'm wrong, but that's just a hope.
Opal, I've never thought about whether you are married or otherwise would affect your credibility in whatever you posted. Sometimes I do think you have a tendency to overanalyse human relationships. But since your friends all felt your suggestions were good, then I guess your methods work for them. Perhaps you haven't encountered a relationship where you entirely do not have to think about how to maintain a relationship. Then I must say I'm really blessed. Interestingly, I told my hubby about our thread and asked him if he feels he's been consciously putting effort to maintain our marriage or relationship. He laughed saying jokingly, "of course not lah, aiya no need to do so much for you one lah..." I feel touched after hearing such a response because to me, he's done a lot for me...yet he could jokingly tell me that he doesn't have to do much for me. As how I've understood him, we're of the same wavelength and that is no need for a conscious effort to maintain what relationship. We're doing well naturally as a married couple and that's what matters. This is something I've never experienced with any other men I had been with. Also, in case you need another answer from a man, when I told him about the thread on "What keeps a man faithful", he laughed out loud and said, if a man wants to be unfaithful, he would be unfaithful, no other reason or factors. Then he started joking about that's a good idea and I started tickling him. This is basically how we communicate with one another...really nothing to fuss or think deeply about. My experience with him feels new every day without efforts at all.
Anyway to lostbabe, now that you've answered the questions, I believe you realise you would be happier without him. You just need the courage to seek for your own happiness. I can't provide exact details on how you should do it but I don't suggest using divorce to threaten him to see if he's hurt - no point. If you really made up your mind to divorce, then just be firm. Never use it as a threat or tool to dig out whatever truths you want to hear. Hope you would make a wise decision for your own life. If you analyse the whole situation at a deeper level, your kids may not be the ones who suffered from a failed marriage. In fact you and your kids could benefit from it and start anew. Just offering another perspective for your consideration.
Anyway to lostbabe, now that you've answered the questions, I believe you realise you would be happier without him. You just need the courage to seek for your own happiness. I can't provide exact details on how you should do it but I don't suggest using divorce to threaten him to see if he's hurt - no point. If you really made up your mind to divorce, then just be firm. Never use it as a threat or tool to dig out whatever truths you want to hear. Hope you would make a wise decision for your own life. If you analyse the whole situation at a deeper level, your kids may not be the ones who suffered from a failed marriage. In fact you and your kids could benefit from it and start anew. Just offering another perspective for your consideration.
Hi Denise, i still maintain there is a difference between doing TOO much and not doing it at all. There is no such things are "faithful proof" and I never claim it exist but we can help to increase the resistance for "faithfulness" by addressing the common reason why guys/gals become unfaithful.. Perhaps you may like to re-read my posts again. However, let's not spill over the discussion to the current thread?
I am just declaring upfront that I did not have any first hand knowledge. However, in emotional and trying times, a clear head and a common sense approach will be better/useful than a whole chunk of emotions. Certainly, lostbabe (sorry, i have been calling you lostgal for a while, just realize) can just discount it as she deemed fit.
It is my nature to analyse relationship and i kinda think is interesting. Too many a times, people look back and say, why didn't i see it..
I do disagree about divorcing him outright and make it firm. Why encourage divorce if there maybe a turnaround to the situation. In a way, Divorce is like giving him a last chance to force his hand and giving her a chance to know what his real stand on things were (e.g. does he just want a bed mate / mother to child or he is heartpain about paying future alimony).... Since Lostbabe herself is uncertain, why not take it step by step but to do so, she need to be determined enough to take the final step if necessary. No use stepping backwards if the husband meets her "bluff"..If he does not appreciate it, then goodbye my love..
I am just declaring upfront that I did not have any first hand knowledge. However, in emotional and trying times, a clear head and a common sense approach will be better/useful than a whole chunk of emotions. Certainly, lostbabe (sorry, i have been calling you lostgal for a while, just realize) can just discount it as she deemed fit.
It is my nature to analyse relationship and i kinda think is interesting. Too many a times, people look back and say, why didn't i see it..
I do disagree about divorcing him outright and make it firm. Why encourage divorce if there maybe a turnaround to the situation. In a way, Divorce is like giving him a last chance to force his hand and giving her a chance to know what his real stand on things were (e.g. does he just want a bed mate / mother to child or he is heartpain about paying future alimony).... Since Lostbabe herself is uncertain, why not take it step by step but to do so, she need to be determined enough to take the final step if necessary. No use stepping backwards if the husband meets her "bluff"..If he does not appreciate it, then goodbye my love..
Outcast Ohh come on, do I sound like a guy? Age.. 18 .. how long have i been 18 is another qn which i am not going to answer.
Powder Agree however, she will not have the fortidue to take the Divorce in one big step.. So small steps along the way may allow her to see a clearer picture. She is not so much of dependent than hesistant with no idea what to do. She probably feels that it is easy for us to comment on it but harder for her to actually do it. which is true..but sometimes, it is the action of taking the first step which is the hardest. Hopefully she can make up her mind about which action (regardless is to stay or leave) soon and stick by it.
Powder Agree however, she will not have the fortidue to take the Divorce in one big step.. So small steps along the way may allow her to see a clearer picture. She is not so much of dependent than hesistant with no idea what to do. She probably feels that it is easy for us to comment on it but harder for her to actually do it. which is true..but sometimes, it is the action of taking the first step which is the hardest. Hopefully she can make up her mind about which action (regardless is to stay or leave) soon and stick by it.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Divorce or not is another matter. The truth is already so in her face, the first step would be to accept it as it is and not waste any more time to find excuses for him and herself.