Am I too much?

ciaobella

New Member
We also fight on this, if he when out with his friends for a drink. I just want to know where is he going, who is with him and roughly what time he will reach home?
If I go out, I will do all these for him.

Honestly, I trust my husband, I want all these information is because I worry about him.

Now he told me, I make him unbreathable with all these.

Is all these too much, am I crossing the line?
 


If he dun go out with his friends, we are very loving.

Green, you know what he is willing to tell me where, who he is with. But he dun like to tell me the time he is coming home.

So what should I do?
 
i think men usually don't like women to ask them so much. it's an ego thingie. at least that's what the my male friends and also HTB tell me. ask too much and they think we are trying to rule over them... sometimes it is also the tone of voice we use to ask. women are different - we enjoy being accountable to the man we love.

have you told your hubby that you ask out of concern and try to get him to understand? and try asking gently next time bah. it may just work.
 
Ciaobelle,

Seriously i think its abit too much to ask... sound like not trusting him enough and acting like his mum by asking...
Men don't like to answer what time, probably he don wanna commit a timing, but in the end if he is late, he get blamed by u for coming back late...
Guess this is their way to avoid quarrels and arguments.
Seriously, as a girl, i don like reporting my schedules to my bf too... need some space to breath...some freedom too..
 
1. dun make him feel like u're his mum.

2. if he heading out drinking with frens, dun make him commit a timing unless u need to prepare bath for him when he gets home, or if u're preparing dinner etc.. When out on guy's nite, it's hard to gauge the time, guys outing seldom all meet at one time and end at one time... some come early, some come later, some come when u're abt to go... hard to give a time.

3. i believe guys should give a rough time like before/after midnite etc. but i dun believe ladies should ask for the time... even if u need to, put in in other ways... ie "if u're drinking past midnite, just promise u'll drop me an sms and i'll take a cab down to drive u n the car home", u'll likely get a rough time from here. pls vary accordingly...

4. who he is with... well for safety i think he might wanna name 1 person. but u sorta gotta phrase the question well... sometimes it's the way u ask... if it sounds like a questioning then he's gonna feel irritated.

all said, 1st 2-3 times set some SAFETY ground rules, regards to drink-driving and promising not to catch rides from equally intoxicated frens, but say it ONCE only. if he breaks it 3 times, then OK, u start to be abit naggy... else if he has not screwed himself nor acted irresponsibly, just trust him. he was drinking before he had u as a wife... he dun need your wifely duties to inclde the nags.

deal with your own need to be worried. we're all adults and perfectly fine before we met our spouses... dun worry nor fuss your marriage into a failure.

PS: i dun think u're too much, neither do i think u're totally ok. i just think perhaps u might wanna rephrase your tones and adjust the way u put across to him... if u sound like your own mother, then that's how Not to do it.
 
yup.. place ok .. with who ok .. time not ok ..

what happens if you go into charles and keith and i immediately ask you how long are you going to take in this shop. what time will you leave this shop?

its not only trust that is involve in this .. what if i tell u a time which later on i and my buddies have too much topic and cannot commit to the time that i have answered you? wouldnt that raise another problem .

so long he is not doing funny bizness and not having so much brothers outing .. i dun see a point in needing know what time.

i totally agree with powder .. he was drinking before he had u as a wife and manage to get home on every event. But if u really need help in that, i give u a hint.. there is a limit to every person alcohol b4 he surrenders.. if he usually reaches home at 3 am .. then that will be his limit ..
 
"If he dun go out with his friends, we are very loving. "

Ciao,
Please try not to blame your relationship matter on his friends. Everyone needs some personal space and freedom.

If he tells you 11pm and comes back at 11.30pm, do you nag excessively? If you do, I'll have dreaded telling you the time too. Give him some flexibility about the time he returns home.
happy.gif
Hehe he is not a pet and he is not under criminal probation.
 
i think place ok, with who ok, time half not ok...

don have to ask for the exact time la.. just like what powder said, before/after midnight is good enough le.

if my bf ask me for exact time and i gotta reach home before said time, it will remind me of my sec schoool time; dad will even change padlock or greet me with a cane if i went back more den 15mins later...

so if he wana tell you den listen to it without expectation loh.. if not, u can just drop him a sms asking to enjoy and u are going to bed first or something. Rather then one fierce sms saying: Why arent you home yet? i will piss too if i see or hear such thing when i am out with my friends.
i duno if u do say such thing la, but just an example.
 
Mayi,
Wah your dad sounds fierce. How old were u then?

My mum only asked me whether I would be going out at night? She would not ask me about who I would be going out with, where I would be go etc :P
 
I dun expect an exact time from him. He just need to give me a rough time. And if he is late for the time he gave me, jus sms me to let me know he is ok and give me a new time.

So long I have all these info, I will not call him or sms him to disturb his time with his friends.

What I do on the above is alright, right?
 
Green,

If he is late, I dun nag at him. I jus get very very worry, I will keep think if he is alright and what had happen to him.
 
Ciao,
I understand where you are coming. We gals tend to be very concerned over things. However if your hubby is unhappy about your expectations of him updating you on his return home's time, I guess you have to give him some space on this aspect. Like what Milo says, he is not a boy. He is also with a group of friends who can help him out in the case of fight, robbery etc. Even if something bad happens to him *touch wood*, what can you do to help him since you are not at the scene and far away?

Appreciate that he is willing to let you know the other details. You need to reassure yourself when you start to worry next time
happy.gif
I'm sure you don't wish for such argument to happen again.
 
"And if he is late for the time he gave me, jus sms me to let me know he is ok and give me a new time."

its actually quite irritating to keep track of time when you are out and still need to give a call/sms to the SO if one will not be home on time.
Also, there is nothing much to worry about actually.

Greenie, yeh my dad was very strict to me when i was in primary and sec sch. But i was glad that he was strict to me and then gave me my 'freedom' when i was 15yrs old which means no more curfew. keke.
 
Hi Ciao,
Sometimes guys will find us a nag if we keep calling him to ask him wat time he be coming home, who is he with bla bla. The more he wont call to inform since he knows you will sure be full of questions.
Normally, my hubby will inform me if he is going out after work. And i just said ok, then next morning then i'll asked him where he went / wat time he was back etc.
If you kept want him to inform you what time he'll be back, then not only will he feel 'fan' about you, you only made yourself not able to sleep well.
 
This is the part on setting expectations that Powder has mentioned in 1 other thread earlier.

Dinners, which are cooked by the wife (no matter how delicious they are or how sweet the wife's intent is), are no longer something welcoming to the hubby because he has to abide to her expectation that he must be always be back home on time for the dinner. Something like that ....
 
Can i say it this way?

no expectation = no disappointment
anything positive that comes without expecting = bonus
if nth comes along the way = normal
 
I agree totally with what Powder said..

perhaps its your way of asking or your tone of it. and then again.. asking him for timing etc is ok i think but just ask, dun demand him to tell u lor..
 
Everyone,

Thanks for you advices. I will take note and dun have too much expectation. The higher the expectation the bigger the disappointment.

Maybe my tone and the way I phase the question doesn't sound nice and caring to him. So he feel so negative about it.

We talked over this, he is ok, he understand my point and will compromise to me.
 
..... speechless.....

in the end the male still give way as the female still insist the method to handle...

so the value of all the post currently negates to zero.
 
Ciaobelle,

Men and women are different. You are happy reporting your itinerary to him doesn't mean that he feels the same way.

When they go for drinking, it is difficult to tell you roughly when he will come home. As Powder said, his friends may arrive at different times. Imagine if he tells his friends "Sorry brudders, I have to leave at 12am because I have to reach home by 12.30am" and be jeered at "Walau brudder, you have curfew ath? Hahaha".

Your problem is not an uncommon one for couples whose hubbies/bfs go drinking with friends. Unless he doesn't have this drinking practice, this is what you will have to come to terms with.

I have been through this and initially I was like you and there were quarrels. But I have learnt not to ask too much and not to give black face when he tells me he is going drinking. If I am not too tired, I will wait for him while watching TV. If tired I will go to sleep. Both of us are much happier this way.
 
he might give in to the female's way of thinking.. but only for a brief moment. I think unless both parties are truly happy with the arrangment, there will be resentments even if he "reports". People slips up once in a while, so what happens if he forgots to call at the tenth occasion?

My guy would call sometime when he is out drinking, but not for reporting purposes. It's more because he is drunk and wanted act cute (his words, not mine). As for me, I would tell him that it's really nice to hear from him, but if i didn't hear from him before I sleep. I will just send him a msg to have his fun and be careful.

Don't expect him to call, but if he do, just tell him to enjoy his night out and thank him for calling.
 
"I will take note and dun have too much expectation. The higher the expectation the bigger the disappointment."

You did not have high expectation of him. But you should look into whether your expectations are unreasonable.
 
Ladies out there....

I'm just checking out something...
Lately (or rather since Adam and Eve time) I have been seeing a lot of comments from the female community that :

"I do such and such...so I'll expect my hubby/SO/BF/slave to do the same as well....failing which to comply with my standards...I'll be very upset"


Is it thus logical to assume that YOU WOMEN expects US GUYS to comply with everything that you do just becos YOU DO IT?

Have YOU WOMEN completely forgotten that WOMEN and MAN are 2 quite very different species?
 
Not one way traffic. He understand why and know why I worry so much about him. And I dun probes.

We came to the understanding, why this happened.
He spoke too fast and I misunderstand his meaning about his time to return. So I cooked special meal for him and waited for him for hours.
 
compromise is a 2 way thing.
Maybe she didn't elaborate enough. I think its okie to drop SMS to inform for being late or something.

That part, for guy to compromise is pretty okie no?
But the part of committing what time to be back is really for what har? Unless, u guys have plans following that, then it make sense to commit on some timing. Else, its really stupid to worry over what time he will be back when he is clearing outside with friends or work.

Going beyond that is really control for the sake of your own person comfort level and need to control.
 
why are you so worried for him? You guys have been receiving threats?
Even as a gal, I find those questions suffocating. I dont ask my hubby. He tells me himself who he is out with and when he will be home. The more you ask, the more naggy you become.
 
Man dont like too many questions asked. Its proven in my family. My father, brother, hb and even bro-in-law are the same.

You can ask where going but never asked what time coming back. They just get irritated. When its time to come home, they will call you to let you know but never asked.
 
ok ... ciaobella.. it is your relationship and up to your actions to handle it. If you conclude that its fine , im ok with it.

just wish to give u an advice on personal character development.

"So I cooked special meal for him and waited for him for hours."

the above sentence if it means real .. its just a silent bomb ticking in your body.
 
tat's one of the reasons why i prefer girls who dun cook and can't cook. i dun know how to deal with this 'cook dinner and wait for me to come home to eat' thing... have dealt with it for many years and always felt bad with mum, why would i wanna go thru it for the rest of my life with a wife? perhaps unless i really get a 9-5 job...

pple place too much emphasis on cooking. some even use coooking as a solution... Times have changed! if can make it for dinner, i prefer to hae some fine-dining with wifey...
 
the problem is that girls when they are young they look at how their mother manage the family and try to mimic

in the end what we have ? wife going into the roles of mum..in the end the husband has 1 natural mum, 1 mum-in-law and 1 beginner level mum
 
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hi all,I think themost effective way to react to anything we find unagreeable about each other as a couple is to start by being quiet about it.It works with better results than making the hell of a noise.don't you all think so?Be asked to speak...
 
yes, I agree in keeping quiet when the emotions are high. But, it doesn't mean keep quiet and expected to be probed for more. Such expectations can be equally frustrating for the couple.

I don't think there is a one solution for all.

But basic common sense must be in place. i.e. Trying to negotiate when one is emotional is a no brainer loh. It is only human that conflicts will escalate. So, yes, be slow to react. That's indeed a good advise.
 
The best way to resolve arugument are to go and write a letter to each person telling each other how one feel and reacts to the matter and why. the content should be solely based on the event and not anything dug out from the past.

in this way people tend to reread what they write and its an effective way to prevent any abusive language or illogical statement which is given in a moment of heated anger.
 
I was wondering when a guy's tummy is full of beer will he still be able to stomach another meal, be it specially cooked or not.....

Gals, treat yourself better! Enjoy yourself while your SO goes drinking. Watch DVDs, listen to music, read or do facials. Do not do nothing but wait. Waiting is agonizing.
 

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