Am i over suspicious?

X

xiu03

New Member
Hi all,

I am married for 8mths+. Before marriage, we had a courtship of 8yr. I chance upon my husband’s hp and found in his phonebook, there are a couple of gals whom he saved their numbers as ‘Bj_followed by their name’. In the sms which are dated in April, I notice some ‘Bj gal’ actually sent him their residential address. There was one anonymous whom wrote 4 smses: 1) Are you confirm coming? 2) Her address and 3) She said that she can’t make herself to do it with him. Pls do not call or sms her. Tata. 4) Sorry, it’s my fault. I couldn’t find what my husband actually wrote to her. I confronted him and he said it’s not him. It should be the previous owners. His hp number is being given by his company and the hp number is being passed down from previous employee to him. From what I know, the one using before him was a lady. I was unsatisfied with his reply. He said most of the time, I was with him, so I have mistaken him. He suggest to end the relationship if I don’t trust him. Am I being overly suspicious or is he really cheating on me?
 


xiu, you mean to say that the sim card was given by the company but the phone is his?

i don't think sim card will store sms liao. i mean, if you take the card out from one phone and use it in another, you can only sync the contacts but not smses.
 
Sorry to add salt & pepper...

Isn't it the first thing U will do is to delete away all previous SMSs from the Co.phone??

I duno what others will do but, I'll do so when issued a Co. phone...
 
To clarify this point:

"i don't think sim card will store sms liao. i mean, if you take the card out from one phone and use it in another, you can only sync the contacts but not smses."

Cuc, Sim cards can still store SMS
happy.gif
 
I would say dont jump the gun first. The phone might have gone through other hands before landing on your husbands. Scenario like the lady resigned, someone took over temporary use the number for certain messaging purpose before passing it over to your husband.

But well like the others mentioned, how long has your husband been using this phone and etc? more information needed.
 
HBH, only if the sms is saved i believe. but if they're not, then it will be deleted.

xiu, if you already know so .. the timeline is there liao .. what more do you need to know?
 
My post was late as I was on the line.

Well cuc, on the sms part one some phones auto save onto the sim card one. and sim card comes with the capacity of 500 or 1000 sms storage (can't rem the actual figure). Hence not neccessary need to do the transfer.

Iris

Well, then it's just a lame excuse. I was wondering did TS mention that the phone was with him for 3 years and the previous owner was a lady when she spoke to her husband.
 
Xiu03,

End of the day is if you would buy his excuse/story or not and if you are still able to give him another chance to trust him again. As my point of view, there's 2 origin to put relationship on the line threatening to end it.

1 is during the session of your approach you somewhat droved him up the wall and etc.

2 is he has actually lost his feelings in you.

On the whole, you have to evaluate the relationship between the both of you and decide if he warrant your trust and if you are able to overcome this with him and reinstill your trust back. If you are able to, drop this issue and move on together. If you can't drop him and move on yourself.

I would be straight that as you mentioned that the messages came in April and he had been carrying the phone for 3 years with the contacts in his phone, who is he trying to kid?

But well now it boils down to if you are willing to have a new start to it or not.

It's your call.
 
cuclaine,

its incorrect to say SIM card doesn't store SMS. EF SMS is a standard file in any SIM (GSM), USIM (3G), RUIM (CDMA) card. It is mandatory and the handset will search for it.

However, most mobiles now manage the inbox from the handset and not SIM. The mobile will detect a new SIM automatically copy SIM information over. Furthermore, most operators now install device detection applications on the SIM so that it will push internet browsing and MMS configurations down for your handset to automatically.

Xiu,

actually, all the suspicion can be verified by checking the SMS date. You know its April. Was the SMS sent / received before he received the company SIM card?
 
not all phones have this function mah .. i have tried with my nokia phone before (but of course, an old model .. the kind that can only see 30 sms) - i can't retrieve the old sms unless it was saved on the sim beforehand.

anyways, the timeline is there .. he's been using the phone for 3 years, the sms was sent in April .. think la!
 
hi Cuclainne,

the no of SMS in the SIM is limited. Same with phonebook entries. A max of 255 numbers. For the SMS, its normally operator dependent. Each SMS is max 255 bytes per record. And standards only allow max 255 SMS. But most operator only set 20-30 SMS for the SIM.

Again, its not the phone. But the SIM card. When u change SIM card, some mobiles do copy the SIM SMS over as well. To test this claim, its simple. Update an SMS on her own SIM card and then use it on his mobile. This way, she can confirm if his mobile copies the SIM messages to his mobile. Reminder, she needs to ensure the SMS is indeed transfered to her SIM card in the 1st place!

The question is when did he get the SIM card and NOT mobile. I'm thinking. But, u r not getting the technical facts right.
"can't retrieve the old sms unless it was saved on the sim beforehand." This is exactly what I'm saying. The SMS might be saved on the SIM and that's the reason it is able to retrieve. Most phones even OLD Nokia ones allow u to select between or view both SMS from mobile and SIM.
 
Gee, i am in a similar situation as you... 8 years of courtship and married for just a few months... and now i am in the process of separation.

I found out my husband's affair through SMS too and a lot more evidence was found and confirmed that he is indeed having an affair.

Do not believe in his words about "i'm with you everyday so how can i have an affair". My husband said the exact same thing. Mind you, he's not with you 24hrs everyday! Men can have affair while they are at work, or say wanna go out with friends or doing OT...

As for whether the sms is indeed from the previous owner, well, you should know him better after 8 long years. Is he the kind of person who doesn't really care about "tidy up things"? Most people would clean up the sms and phone book if it's from the previous owner.

Is there any way for you to get hold of his phone bills, credit card bills or even bank statements? I managed to dig out more evidence from the bills.
 
CSP> His phone bills are being paid by company. He dun have credit cards and his spending expenditure is almost constant each month. I do believe that the smses belongs to him but unsure if he do commit adultery. The smses occur in the month of April only. I tink he know the gals through IRC as once he felt asleep and i notice the PC was on with the irc panel. During our courtship, he will mention that his army frends will ask him to go to those sleazy bars. He will always reject.Overall, he's a doting husband and filial son. Could the smses due to lust and thrill or he has changed?
 
Xiu, gosh, we are really in very similar situation! My husband had always been very loving and doting for the past 8 years as a boyfriend too. He was also the kind who would never go to those indecent places, until one day when his colleague brought him to a massage palour to "relax" and then all hell broke loose. What followed was adultery, lying, and chearting; the betrayal of the greatest nature.

Read my story if you want to know more:
http://www.singaporebrides.com/cgi-bin/forumboard/show.cgi?tpc=5&post=3735134#POST3735134

However, i am not saying that this will happen to you too. It may not be that serious and may just be a fling, which you gotta put a stop to it before it's too late.

Sometimes relationship does get stale and men will want to look for excitement. Just too bad that they look for it at the wrong place or in a wrong way. And sometimes things get out of hand or that outside woman is simply too good in getting them hooked that they could not turn back anymore. People do change, especially those men who have never had "such fun" before and once they have a taste of it, they will become lost with the lust and thrill.

Again, i am not saying that your husband is doing the same. It is just one of the possibilities that you will have to consider.
 
have a nice talk with him.

tell him, he's standing on thin ice now loh.
it's either, he breaks up a happy family, or continue to have one.
If he opts to keep the family, let him know you cannot take another blow again..

But seriously, the tone that was used when he said, don't believe him then end the r/s, how did he sound like?
Is it out of guilt? Frustration?

sometimes, guys can have CC, which are not mailed to their maritial home... You never know.
 
Real_sotong> His tone was a little frustrated but not harsh.Will talk to him. What is meant by : "sometimes, guys can have CC, which are not mailed to their maritial home... You never know" Can someone enlighten me?
 
Hi Xiu, it means he can applied credit cards using a different mailing address so that you will not find out..
 
Apart from being feed with other information that is not relvant here, xiu03 you should try to concentrate on the talk first than being distracted by other things.
 
Now u'll had just feed TS with more irrelevant things to ponder over about than being constructive over her talk to come. Good job.
 
Hi HBH,I'm merely answering her qs, why do you have to be so sarcastic? Did any part of my reply asked TS not to have a good talk with him?
Pls enlighten me.
 
The thing is this... we always think that just having a nice talk will solve EVERYTHING. I'm not saying that it won't, but it also depends on how sincere is the other party. If he is a good liar (like my husband) and we have always trusted them so much, then all the talks will only build up false hope and then hurt you even more later when the truth is out.

So all the so-called "irrelevant" things may actually be relevant to hlep her in seeing through some of the things that may otherwise hidden. Learned from others' experience and discern it yourself on what is and is not relevant in your situation.
 
It doesn't solves everything. It merely clarify things. There is a significant difference here. Making decisions basing on suspicion, guesses and assumptions is not very wise. When you talk things out, you can really see where the relationship is heading. It is never about finding SIMPLE SOLUTION.

There are cheaters that will attempt to form a smoke screen to hide everytime. And by not wanting to clarify things, u fall perfectly in his big game of ambiguity. Talk about the relationship and how weird and fishy this whole incident is. To rebuild the trust, it needs both of them to be committed to work on it. Spying and investigating doesn't improve the relationship. If he is unable to rebuild the trust, does it matter to investigate anymore??
And if u guys are really trying to rebuild, its so 'clever' to destroy it by this investigation.
 
Hi jia-joey,

Is that being constructive or destructive in the fact of feeding additional information which I listed out in relevance to above which you percieved as sacarsm?

If I want to be sarcastic, this is how I present it methaphorically.

Sotong to TS: "You could use a gun..."
TS: "How do I use a gun?"
You: "By clocking back the safety and take aim before you pull the trigger"

*Bang* TS shoots.

You - I'm clear! I only teach her how to use the gun.

Thank you
happy.gif
 
Probably you have not thought of the likelyhood on such contribution to allow the TS to have one more clause onto her suspicion list. "Could my husband sub a card out if he has one?"

It's free to go on and we had seen the tendancy of how many people drawn reference from other's case onto their own stories. Don't you agree with me that the info provided of such nature feeds the involved party with more "ideas"?
 
MiLo, oops, i should have made myself clear... i wasn't saying that do NOT talk about it at all and then make decision based on suspicion. I was actually clarifying on why "additional information" was given, with the exact reason that you mentioned, "There are cheaters that will attempt to form a smoke screen to hide everytime". These information may actually help to see through the smoke. ;)

HBH, yes, i agree. It does feed more ideas to the involved party, and it can be good or bad actually. On one hand, to talk without any preconception is good in that the party listens with an open heart. On the other, it may also mean that one can't see through the "smoke screen" if the other party is indeed lying.

Frankly, the school never teaches us how to handle marriage problems and how to detect cheaters or sincerity. We either learn from our own experiences (which means that we will have to be cheated on before), or we learn from others'.
 
I only type thoughts which I feel are needed to. Am not intending to reply to any unnecessary flaming here. But I know I've no ill intention.

Anyway, to TS, maybe your HB is just stressed out over other things like work, if he's using that sort of tone.

And, after seeing the overall picture, look into the little issues which are tagged to it.
But honestly, I feel, a sincere talk or even writing a letter might help both of you to sit down and communicate.

However, all said and done, everyone here can give you ideas and share with you experiences, but do remember that whatever you do or choose to do, you're the only one bearing the consequences.
 
Hi HBH, i would say is neither constructive nor destructive. It's just clarifying what real sotong had mentioned based on what U & I understand but TS does not. Why do you even need to label my reply as constructove OR destructive?

By not replying to her qs, does it mean she will get the clearer picture of what is going on between her and husband?? And by answering the qs, i did not see her jump the gun by saying, " That's it! If he really have a CC with a different mailing add, he must be having an affair! Any rational people will kne ultimately there is a need to have a heart to heart talk with her husband. I think what you have wrote was definitely uncalled for.

TS wrote:
Real_sotong> His tone was a little frustrated but not harsh.Will talk to him. What is meant by : "sometimes, guys can have CC, which are not mailed to their maritial home... You never know" Can someone enlighten me?

I replied:
Hi Xiu, it means he can applied credit cards using a different mailing address so that you will not find out..

TS replied:
Oic, i doubt so as his income can't meet the criteria for credit card.

HBH wrote:
Don't you agree with me that the info provided of such nature feeds the involved party with more "ideas"?

I don't agree, as I've explained earlier, I'm just answering a direct qs she posted. So in your opinion, some qs are best to left unanswered?
 
CSP,

Yeah I agree that such lessons we do not learn in school but through life experience or from others. But we do know that now is not a good time for be sharing with TS such informations.

If the thoughts above on Credit card to different mailing address that came out of nowhere is needed to be shared in this instance, we should bring out all the ways a guy can cheat and let TS know so that she can be prepared to sharpen her knife. Approach to kill than a open heart.

Jia-Joey,

Fyi my statement on the redundancy of the additional "information" made that came before TS's clarification at 5:28pm if you are trying to say that the statement was harmless by copying TS reply above that the husband does not qualify for credit card to address to me.

But it still does not dispute the fact of redundacy on the additional informations of none contributing nature.

My post at 5:26pm was directed at Sotong. 5:27pm is meant for all those who are trying to make reference to their cases with TS situation which is not very suitable as the context is more like teaching her how to convict and nail the guy down than handling it with a open mentality.

And immediately you acted your role as the "innocence passerby" that jumps out claiming sarcasm (as if you were guilty of something) and landed at my gunpoint.

But still, it does not take the essence away. What I listed out were the facts which we commonly seen here. One party talks about possible situation of adultery. Then more joined in with "experiences" to share that grow into a competition on who has the worst story. End of the day nothing for the person with problem.

If some stuffs are not meant for the occassion, it is true that it is better to be reserved first. Apply some EQ and you know.

People add the scoop you provide the topping. Why would you feel the "sarcasm" if you were on a neutral ground. As if I mentioned your nick on my so called "sarcastic" posts. It's your eagerness to defend yourselve which proven on your stance of sliding to side. I would need to say more here.

I hope that you don't tell me that you agreed on the CC idea because it would be a double whammy.
 
"These information may actually help to see through the smoke. ;)"

That's what I already pointed out. If one is unable or uncommitted to rebuild the trust, do u even need to investigate further? I know its a pretty instinctive thing the people want to spend time to uncover / expose the lies. But, it really doesn't help you in anyway. Its vicious cycle and u will spend alot of time uncovering when u should have left him long before.

Serial liers will not stop with one lie. Neither will they stop simply because his cover was blown. The only effective point is for the person to finally WAKE UP. If that's the only reason, then I would agree.
 
well, if its troubling your mind then why not find out the truth? i have a sister. married. same senario as u.. she engage p.i to check on his activities. but to get a p.i is not easy coz there r p.i who are bogus. and well he got p.i from Glen Iris Investigation. in the end, she got what she suspicious of. i can give u the number to a guy working at Glen Iris Investigation. his name is Fendi. He is the Operation Executive of the company. u can talk things out with him and see if he can do something about what u r going thru.. and the evidences provided are valid in court.. take care..
 
Xiu03

Actually, if he really wants to cheat on you, I dun think he will use credit card even if he has one, cos it will leave evidence behind in the bill summary. It seem more easy to draw cash out. Cos cash transaction wont have records in the bill mah since not using ATM or credit card , get me ?
 
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