A need to feel wanted?

[hardegg]

Hi all, new to this thread.... Just need to get some advice here...
I'm 25F, he is 30M and we just got married 5 months ago.. We are staying separately as the house is not ready yet( Singaporean woes right).. Before we wedded, we were virgins. Back den, when i stayed over at his house, we were always tempted to go all the way every time but we wanted to abstain and keep it for the marriage.

Now that we are married, when i stay over for the weekends, we will only have sex once for one night and that's it for the weekends. I don't know if it's something wrong with me...if i'm that much a turn off? (BUT to justify, i had other suitors before i chose to be with him)...or is he just not interested anymore?

I don't wanna stress him but he can tell whenever i'm upset AND from there we will start to quarrel ..because when he ask me what is wrong.. I wouldn't tell him and he will think i'm being a spoilt brat... It has become a vicious cycle......

Of course there are other issues i guess...

Now he doesn't touch me as much and it really hurts thinking he is not interested anymore..I feel unloved and unwanted..... How is it possible for me to continue living in this lie telling myself i'm satisfied in this....

Really frustrated here... How can i get him to be interested?

 

[Jehvy]

I think perhaps the problem here lies in your communication with each other rather than whether it is not interested in you.

If you keep your woes, needs and problems to yourself, how do you expect your husband to know? Perhaps, he thought you are upset and annoyed with him thus he chooses to keep a distance from you?

Have you tried writing to him your thoughts and needs – be it in paper, sms or whatapp to him if you would not tell him face to face. Silence brews misunderstanding and distrust. When I have unhappiness that I cannot express out in words to my SO, I with sent him a long whatapp msg to tell him how I feel. It works to make him understand my perceptive and thoughts sometimes. Perhaps you should try it too.

Moreover, I think staying away from him during the weekdays also limits the bonding and intimacy time you have with your husband. Maybe you can try to make arrangement to spend more time with him.

 

[jkwedding308]

Hi all, new to this thread.... Just need to get some advice here...
I'm 25F, he is 30M and we just got married 5 months ago.. We are staying separately as the house is not ready yet( Singaporean woes right).. Before we wedded, we were virgins. Back den, when i stayed over at his house, we were always tempted to go all the way every time but we wanted to abstain and keep it for the marriage.

Now that we are married, when i stay over for the weekends, we will only have sex once for one night and that's it for the weekends. I don't know if it's something wrong with me...if i'm that much a turn off? (BUT to justify, i had other suitors before i chose to be with him)...or is he just not interested anymore?

I don't wanna stress him but he can tell whenever i'm upset AND from there we will start to quarrel ..because when he ask me what is wrong.. I wouldn't tell him and he will think i'm being a spoilt brat... It has become a vicious cycle......

Of course there are other issues i guess...

Now he doesn't touch me as much and it really hurts thinking he is not interested anymore..I feel unloved and unwanted..... How is it possible for me to continue living in this lie telling myself i'm satisfied in this....

Really frustrated here... How can i get him to be interested?

@Jehvy has a point.. It's more about the communication.. Unless he's physically tired / exhausted or is worried about something or genuinely has a medical condition, all guys naturally have a certain sex drive that needs to be fulfilled. It's not so much per se that he's no longer interested in you. If you have both abstained from sex for so long prior to marriage, it is only natural to assume that he would have sexual desires for you now that you're both legally married. As both of you were virgins prior to tying the knot, it could also be the case that he's adapting to sex as a new thing in life as well and when you withdraw from him by telling him that nothing's wrong, he may sometimes misunderstand your true intentions. Some guys may even doubt if it's their sexual performance that is not up to par to please their wives so rather than risking it, they choose to abstain from having sex. Also, from a biological and physiological point of view, because you've had sex for one night, the guy's reproductive system takes 2-3 months for sperms to fully mature and indirectly this means that it takes 2-3 days after the last sexual intercourse for sperm count to be maximized. What this means is that the guy's natural sexual desire may reduce right after sex and only start peaking again 2-3 days later hence why you're having sex for one night but none the following night. Who else lives with your husband? It could also be that he is concerned about privacy issues hence it may further reduce his sexual urge. But one thing for sure is you need to improve your communication with your husband. It's true that we women like to say "nothing" when there really is something on our mind and unless our husbands are mind readers, we cannot expect them to magically know what's wrong and fix it. Worse still, they may assume wrongly and that further widens the gap between us and them. Have a habit to have frank discussions with your husband and he too will in turn learn to be open with you. From there, you'll be able to identify each other's issues more easily and readily and be able to help each other out in managing them. Yes, there may be limitations to living together for now but that shouldn't stop you both from still seeing each other regularly e.g. having dinner together after work as regular contact can help further improve communication.. Hope all these will be of some help!

 

[miloice]

when it is the forbidden fruit, the excitement is much more. When you can do it anytime, somehow, it is less interesting. This is rather normal. Be creative to get the intimacy going. One thing lead to another. Don't focus on the sex, but on intimate quality time together. Cook, and explore passion together, have fun. Enjoy the personal time before you start your family.

What the others mention about communication is important. Everyone is different, we needs to explore and discover how we need to be pleasured. We discover it through self experimenting and then together with our partners. We need to teach our partners to find out how we like it. Similarly, you discover his fantasies.

 

[gene.snit]

hi, i just got married in dec 14. my hubby is foreigner. we lived apart. when we were dating, we used to sex a lot like 1 day few times. now that we married and living together- sometimes 1-2 times a week. like what @miloice said,when it is the forbidden fruit, the excitement is much more. Despite the lack of sex, we are still happy. I think as long as both of you are happy sex is not that important. instead of focusing on sex, maybe you can try some other activities with him.

 

[hardegg]

@Jehvy has a point.. It's more about the communication.. Unless he's physically tired / exhausted or is worried about something or genuinely has a medical condition, all guys naturally have a certain sex drive that needs to be fulfilled. It's not so much per se that he's no longer interested in you. If you have both abstained from sex for so long prior to marriage, it is only natural to assume that he would have sexual desires for you now that you're both legally married. As both of you were virgins prior to tying the knot, it could also be the case that he's adapting to sex as a new thing in life as well and when you withdraw from him by telling him that nothing's wrong, he may sometimes misunderstand your true intentions. Some guys may even doubt if it's their sexual performance that is not up to par to please their wives so rather than risking it, they choose to abstain from having sex. Also, from a biological and physiological point of view, because you've had sex for one night, the guy's reproductive system takes 2-3 months for sperms to fully mature and indirectly this means that it takes 2-3 days after the last sexual intercourse for sperm count to be maximized. What this means is that the guy's natural sexual desire may reduce right after sex and only start peaking again 2-3 days later hence why you're having sex for one night but none the following night. Who else lives with your husband? It could also be that he is concerned about privacy issues hence it may further reduce his sexual urge. But one thing for sure is you need to improve your communication with your husband. It's true that we women like to say "nothing" when there really is something on our mind and unless our husbands are mind readers, we cannot expect them to magically know what's wrong and fix it. Worse still, they may assume wrongly and that further widens the gap between us and them. Have a habit to have frank discussions with your husband and he too will in turn learn to be open with you. From there, you'll be able to identify each other's issues more easily and readily and be able to help each other out in managing them. Yes, there may be limitations to living together for now but that shouldn't stop you both from still seeing each other regularly e.g. having dinner together after work as regular contact can help further improve communication.. Hope all these will be of some help!

Yes thank you, we really need to work on our our communication and we are trying hard to improve on it. It doesn't help that I always assume since we together for almost 6 years, it means he should naturally know what i'm thinking. This mindset, I must change.

He is someone who is quick to anger and sometimes a bit sensitive...
I remember how i tried hinting him on how the thirst is still not quenched and he tried to get it up but he couldn't.
He went on to say he felt like i'm putting him down.

@Jehvy Maybe it will change when we actually move in together..Maybe it will not. I will get to know it soon
hmmm nah... Staying apart wouldn't make much of a difference actually, he is out of the country 50% of the time.....

Sometimes, I wished I went ahead with it before getting married. At least I would have known what it would feel like to be madly made love to. :X
I feel bad thinking that because he is really very nice to me, I'm really lucky to have him as my husband. Sex aside.

 

[hardegg]

hi, i just got married in dec 14. my hubby is foreigner. we lived apart. when we were dating, we used to sex a lot like 1 day few times. now that we married and living together- sometimes 1-2 times a week. like what @miloice said,when it is the forbidden fruit, the excitement is much more. Despite the lack of sex, we are still happy. I think as long as both of you are happy sex is not that important. instead of focusing on sex, maybe you can try some other activities with him.

...At LEAST you had the period where u had sex A LOT. I don't know how to say this but... my sex life has just began and it feels like i'm growing cobwebs down there. haha.... Is it normal that a man can only stand once every other day?? Would that be considered erectile dysfuction?
I used to help myself like once a day when I was younger... I guess I just have to face the fact that I married a man with a much lower sex drive..

 

[jkwedding308]

Yes thank you, we really need to work on our our communication and we are trying hard to improve on it. It doesn't help that I always assume since we together for almost 6 years, it means he should naturally know what i'm thinking. This mindset, I must change.

He is someone who is quick to anger and sometimes a bit sensitive...
I remember how i tried hinting him on how the thirst is still not quenched and he tried to get it up but he couldn't.
He went on to say he felt like i'm putting him down.

@Jehvy Maybe it will change when we actually move in together..Maybe it will not. I will get to know it soon
hmmm nah... Staying apart wouldn't make much of a difference actually, he is out of the country 50% of the time.....

Sometimes, I wished I went ahead with it before getting married. At least I would have known what it would feel like to be madly made love to. :X
I feel bad thinking that because he is really very nice to me, I'm really lucky to have him as my husband. Sex aside.

Hmm.. I think it can be a bit of a sensitive topic for any guy and not just your hubby.. To hint that your sexual desire isn't satisfied yet and that he's unable to have an erection can be a blow to any man's ego - he is made to feel inadequate that he is unable to satisfy you and that his sexual capability to have an erection is belittled. I don't know how you hinted to him but sometimes we may not use the right choice of words nor appropriate tone whenever we hint certain things to our hubbies. Perhaps another way to approach this issue is to just have an open discussion on how you can both improve your sex lives together - try not to phrase it in such a way that everything seems to point to it being his "fault" but that you too have an equal share in this matter and that it's not entirely any one party's "fault"...

 

[miloice]

Most ED are psychological but not necessarily the case. It is important to have a right diagnosis of his sexual problem. Work on the communication, bridging into the topic of sex. Spend time to make it happen. Exploration and pleasure each other. Does your partner watch porn?

Too much of pornography could leave the person having unrealistic expectations of sex. i.e. normal sex partner and action is not simulating enough. Go research online on the topic. The mind gets addicted with over stimulus, and can become craving for the kind of visual stimulus one gets in porn. It is a true condition and the guy can lose his erection with real sex with too much shagging with porn.