von, this is going to be a rather long post as I have quite a lot to comment with regards to such issues. But what I do is my personal take on my situation, so you may take it as an insight on someone who has more or less the same feelings as you. But what works for me may not work for you.. it depends on the relationships between all the parties involved as well as the outcome you are ready to face. Why I am saying this is because for my case, what I am doing now causes my monster-in-law as well as my father-in-law to be extremely unhappy with me, which results in us not talking at all, so it may not be the ideal 'solution' for you. I admit that my situation is extreme but I got no choice as I do not wish to give in to her unreasonable demands & live my life feeling miserable. Life is too short for that. My hubby supports me so it makes everything much easier. The way my situation is being handled is hard as I am prepared to just have a cordial relationship with her now & in the future. I really do not see any way that my relationship with her will improve. It is extremely difficult to live with a person who wants to control every aspect of your life & does not take 'No' for an answer.
I totally understand how you feel. Like you, my parents trust me to handle my own life & have never interfered in any way. Now that I am married, I am supposed to feel like a 'full-fledged' adult but instead I feel like I'm back at being a small kid, with my actions being monitored & being told what & what not to do all the time. My MIL have never showed me any care & concern before, all she cares about is her own son & family, I would dare say she is a very selfish woman. I have never ever felt relaxed in the house & it is getting really tiring, both mentally & physically. I have always told my hubby how I feel all the time, I always update him on what his mum says or does to me. I feel it is very important to let him know how I feel. I did not marry him to make my life miserable so I do not keep everything to myself. I feel he is entitled to know exactly my thoughts & feelings, it is also unfair to him if I keep things to myself.
I have tried reasoning with her many times but the message doesn't get across. She just won't give up on pressing her ways on me, she is The MIL & I am the DIL so I have to listen to her, no room for negotiation. In the end, I had to resort to the extreme method. Maybe I am more defiant so I free myself of all these misery by avoiding my monster-in-law.. for me, I go to work early in the morning & return home late at night, unless my hubby is home early, I'll return with him as MIL does not bother me when my hubby is around. Of course, I greet her when I see her, but that's about it. Throughout these nine months that I have stayed with them, my hubby has seen for his own eyes the countless situations that I was placed in that was not in my favour & he understands & acknowledges that. I understand that he can't do much as the person involved is his mother but it makes me feel so much better that he totally understands what I am going through & tries his best in whatever he does for me.
I guess it's easier for me as my hubby knows that I would never get along with his mother as our characters & even our views clash. Forcing us to stay together will only result in disaster. That is why he has never once tried to persuade me to stay on in the house as he knows I am very firm in what I want.
von, at the end of the day, it's open communication between your husband & yourself. I am sure there can be alternative arrangements that can be discussed like promising to visit his mother more often when you guys move out, things like that. Try to talk to him & be really open about how you feel. Explain to him that you have lived in a very different environment with your family for the past 20-odd years & so it's hard for you now. Like jhoo mentioned, he might not even realise that you are feeling this way as this is the way he is being brought up & he thinks it's ok. Once he is able to put himself in your shoes, it'll pave the way to solving this sticky situation.
Cheer up!
*Ok, I realise I can go on & on about MIL issues.. this is a pretty long post.. hehe.
