Feeling down

Hi peep,

Just want to share my story and wonder anyone in the same boat as me. I am already in my mid-30 and working for many years. But the problem i am facing is i have a controlling mother , although i won"t deny the fact that she is a nice person who care about the family.

I am the only daughter staying with parents as my other sibling is overseas. But even till now, she kept all my bank passbook,atm cards and credit cards with her for safe keeping and she mention is for my own good. I am left with a atm card and cc for my usage. However, she track all my usage on my cc and also frequently update the passbook to see if there is any transaction. All the while she only keep and did not withdraw out unless those from our joint account if she need to for her expenses. Some of the cards she holding also have my individual account. In addition, she kept my passport too since birth till now i think. I try to bring up this subject about i have grown up and return to me to keep but she always become agitated and say i am not filial to take back hese items.

But i am not someone who anyhow spend but she always say i will give to my bf or get cheated etc or anyhow use.. i can"t seem to talk reason on this issue with her as she just want to keep all my important items to herself. :(

I really don"t know how to communicate with her on this issue anymore as we will always quarrel and she saying i am unreasonable and have wings to fly "s why i want to take back my things. Although she mention that she will give me back when i get married but i don"t think she will as is just an excuse..


Anyone in this same situation as me or i m the one facing it? Feeling vexed..
 


life_is

Active Member
Depends on what you want in life. If you desire independence, can choose to move out. However, it can also be lonely to stay alone.
 

Noobee

New Member
Maybe she is feeling insecure that you might leave her alone since other sibling is oversea.

My mum feel insecure even with my dad around. She reacted very paranoid. So we always advise her to continue working so that she has her own circle of friends. She won't feel bored or empty at home.

If she is not working, she may consider joining those rc or cc activities. But she is the introvert type, maybe pick up things like knitting or sewing.
 
Oh she is working all along till she was like early 60s and when she us working her actions also same, she kept all my documents. I wonder if is her character like that, she also kept all my dad documents and always check the stuff etc.
 
Even when i encourage her to take up cooking lesson she has no interest and prefer folllows me whereever i go except when i out with bf or friends..she has her circle of friends too but meet occasionally.. she just feel very insecure i guess and her style is keeping family members important documents so that the person wont turn astray.
 
Even things like letting me drive the family car she also will nag and she wont allow unless she is inside the car. To the extent she kept my driving license :(
 

Noobee

New Member
She seems so used to controlling most of the things. Guess you probably doesn't want to upset her tt why u are feeling down.

Do u have plan to settle down soon, can use that to talk to her?
 
Yes have plan to settle down in the next few years as i am dating someone now for few months.

She will feel upset if i tried to talk reasons with her as i really want to be independent. She will say nasty things i have changed or any guy teach me bad things to talk back at her etc.

There is no way i can take back n keep my things as she really want to control and nothing can stop her.even my last relationship 2 years ago was about to proceed to marriage but did not turn out well but she keep nag say dont let him know my account details etc..and tell me will return my account things to me after i move out but in end marriage did not happen as my ex had bad anger issue and in end wedding cancelled.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi peep,
Just want to share my story and wonder anyone in the same boat as me. I am already in my mid-30 and working for many years. But the problem i am facing is i have a controlling mother , although i won"t deny the fact that she is a nice person who care about the family.

I am the only daughter staying with parents as my other sibling is overseas. But even till now, she kept all my bank passbook,atm cards and credit cards with her for safe keeping and she mention is for my own good. I am left with a atm card and cc for my usage. However, she track all my usage on my cc and also frequently update the passbook to see if there is any transaction. All the while she only keep and did not withdraw out unless those from our joint account if she need to for her expenses. Some of the cards she holding also have my individual account. In addition, she kept my passport too since birth till now i think. I try to bring up this subject about i have grown up and return to me to keep but she always become agitated and say i am not filial to take back hese items.

But i am not someone who anyhow spend but she always say i will give to my bf or get cheated etc or anyhow use.. i can"t seem to talk reason on this issue with her as she just want to keep all my important items to herself. :(

I really don"t know how to communicate with her on this issue anymore as we will always quarrel and she saying i am unreasonable and have wings to fly "s why i want to take back my things. Although she mention that she will give me back when i get married but i don"t think she will as is just an excuse..

Anyone in this same situation as me or i m the one facing it? Feeling vexed..

The fact that all your siblings are overseas probably why she is so insecure. However, it is also probably the reason why all your siblings wants to leave their controlling mother.

Is your dad still around? If yes, can you also talk to him to explain to her. Your passport expires once every 5 years, after the new renewal, don't give it to her. Emotion blackmail from parents isn't uncommon. We feel hopeless but to comply because of the conditioning she had placed you under all these while. You can show your love and maintain her trust, its not just for you. She needs to learn to let go. Its ridiculous for a parent to control your finances till this level. Same for your credit cards, call your bank and ask for a new card. You are not powerless to regain control. There will be friction, think about it, haven't you suffered enough? Which is worser, conflict from changes or status quo. You live only once.
 

chocsorbet

New Member
Hi Moonriver,

I am in a similar situation as you, just that my case does not sound as severe as yours. I had a joint bank account with my mother since young, and thus she holds the passbook. Every month (she is a housewife hence no income contribution), she diligently updates the passbook. After I have started working, my income goes into this account, but at the same time, my expenses increased. If she sees any anomalies, she will ask what did I spend it on, and sometimes comment that I should not spend unnecessarily. Another example is, when I tell her I want to go on an overseas trip with my then-boyfriend (now husband), she will get very upset and say that we should not go overseas together alone. Sometimes, when I try to reason (or you can say slight argument) with her, she will respond with statements like 我去死掉算了.

But having said all these, I do not doubt her love for me, and that she is just being overly protective. Therefore, my advice to you is, take baby steps, one at a time. Try to make changes very subtle, so that slowly, she will be conditioned to it. For example, I used to have a curfew at 10pm. There are a lot of times when I really rush back home. But once in a while (maybe a month?), I will test water, and come back a bit later, maybe around 10.10pm. Then slowly, maybe across 1 year, it becomes 10.20pm, 10.30pm. Bit by bit, my mother got used to it I guess. Or alternatively, you have to come up with ways that can justify your actions. For the passbook problem, I signed up an OCBC 365 account. I told her it gives better interest rates (which is really true), and that they did not issue a passbook (which is also true). In that way, she can no longer have access.

These are just some examples that I have encountered. It may be different for your situation. But no matter what, stay positive! I am sure you will be able to find a way out :)
 
Seriously sometimes i feel i may go crazy anytime as she turning worst.. the fact i am already mid 30 and can get my own house, she can tell me about house rule and curfew... i need my own life really.. is not that i go out everyday sometimes weekend slightly later and she send me alot msg and threaten me somemore...

I really super down sometimes want to enjoy time with my partner and frienda to chill out but she nag and nag and worst she go temple take divination and tell me the guy i am dating is bad and lastime always tell me the guys r all bad.. i ever ask her does she want me to marry to her?!?!

I have been patience and talk logic but time and again she threaten me always say for me own good she track my account, make sure i go home early etc...sigh
 

Pygirl89

Member
Moonriver ..u have a choice ..u already a adult ..you can call bank to deactivate your credit card and passbook with the bank ..the passport she kept also expired..u can make a new 1..dun need to take back these items, just go and make a new 1..isn't ? U choose to let her control u and give in to her ..this really lead to a lot stress ..

My mum used to control me too, but I firmly told her that I need my privacy and freedom.

Just remember, you have the right for your own life and own privacy and freedom. Doesn't mean Keep giving in and listen to parent mean we are filial. :)
 

life_is

Active Member
Seriously sometimes i feel i may go crazy anytime as she turning worst.. the fact i am already mid 30 and can get my own house, she can tell me about house rule and curfew... i need my own life really.. is not that i go out everyday sometimes weekend slightly later and she send me alot msg and threaten me somemore...

I really super down sometimes want to enjoy time with my partner and frienda to chill out but she nag and nag and worst she go temple take divination and tell me the guy i am dating is bad and lastime always tell me the guys r all bad.. i ever ask her does she want me to marry to her?!?!

I have been patience and talk logic but time and again she threaten me always say for me own good she track my account, make sure i go home early etc...sigh

Simple reasoning: tell her that no one will marry a woman with a controlling mother. It will only end in divorce.

Ask her if she wants you to be happy. If she does, she has to consider that one day, she won't be around and by them it may be too late for you, as you will be all alone.

My ex has a mother like that. Everything also control. Entire marriage was controlled by her alone and was forced to live apart entire marriage until divorced. Tell your mother that this will mean you will have to be alone until she goes unless you are prepared to ruin a man's life. Your father is around for her and her attention should be on him, not anyone else now that all your siblings have grown up.
 

newproject

Active Member
Wow..so many cases of adults in 30s controlled by mothers. No wonder sg marriage rate and birth rate down.

Think Gahmen should do something about this
 

littlepinkpointes

Active Member
Hi peep,

Just want to share my story and wonder anyone in the same boat as me. I am already in my mid-30 and working for many years. But the problem i am facing is i have a controlling mother , although i won"t deny the fact that she is a nice person who care about the family.

I am the only daughter staying with parents as my other sibling is overseas. But even till now, she kept all my bank passbook,atm cards and credit cards with her for safe keeping and she mention is for my own good. I am left with a atm card and cc for my usage. However, she track all my usage on my cc and also frequently update the passbook to see if there is any transaction. All the while she only keep and did not withdraw out unless those from our joint account if she need to for her expenses. Some of the cards she holding also have my individual account. In addition, she kept my passport too since birth till now i think. I try to bring up this subject about i have grown up and return to me to keep but she always become agitated and say i am not filial to take back hese items.

But i am not someone who anyhow spend but she always say i will give to my bf or get cheated etc or anyhow use.. i can"t seem to talk reason on this issue with her as she just want to keep all my important items to herself. :(

I really don"t know how to communicate with her on this issue anymore as we will always quarrel and she saying i am unreasonable and have wings to fly "s why i want to take back my things. Although she mention that she will give me back when i get married but i don"t think she will as is just an excuse..


Anyone in this same situation as me or i m the one facing it? Feeling vexed..

Hi Moonriver,

I'm sorry to hear of your story and I know how you feel. My mom is somewhat like yours but not that bad although I see some similar traits.

I'm in my early 30s and the only child. My dad is the easy going guy and my mom is the person who always see the need to be in control of things. We concluded it may due to her insecurity and trust issue with certain things (money most likely). She's also a nice woman who can be reasonable at times but when she's into one of her moods, it can get very very annoying.

Many years ago when I first started working, I only had one ATM card and one debit card. The other accounts were also under her 'care'.
When I went out with my friends till late (10pm plus), she will get my dad to call or text me to 'rush me to go home'.

Communication with her was also bad. I find it hard to talk or discuss things with her cause at times she's too quick to critic/judge.
Until one day, I had a HUGE MAJOR argument with her and I told her everything (how I felt and why I always choose to not go to her to just talk). We both end up crying and I think we got to a mutual understanding from there. Ten over years of suppressed feelings all came rolling out.

But over time, things got better though I won't say I have a wonderful relationship with my mom. I had to 'negotiate' with her and make mutual agreements to make her feel that she can trust me. It will take a lot of time and patience and how she accepts and comes to term with you may differ too.
She just needs to feel secure and to be able to trust you.

It's been half a decade since our 'fight'.
Now I gain control of all my own documents and banking needs. I head out with my mister and comes home later than before and she'd be the first to go to bed (irony).

I hope you don't and won't have to go through what I did with my mom just to trash things out and straighten problems. Maybe you can consider different alternatives to talk to her? Try to bring her out for a meal or something. Ease her into the topics..... let her know you want to manage your finances for your future but assure her you will (I'm assuming you are) contribute to the household. Get your bf to spend more time/meet your parent more often for your mom to trust him enough.

I hope you find a way to ease things with your mom soon.

:)
 

life_is

Active Member
Wow..so many cases of adults in 30s controlled by mothers. No wonder sg marriage rate and birth rate down.

Think Gahmen should do something about this

Marriage down and divorce up. This trend won't stop until the ministers risk losing their jobs for it.

Modern marriage serves no purpose other than to legalise parenthood. If there are ways to get children without marriage, many men would probably pay to do so.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Seriously sometimes i feel i may go crazy anytime as she turning worst.. the fact i am already mid 30 and can get my own house, she can tell me about house rule and curfew... i need my own life really.. is not that i go out everyday sometimes weekend slightly later and she send me alot msg and threaten me somemore...

I really super down sometimes want to enjoy time with my partner and frienda to chill out but she nag and nag and worst she go temple take divination and tell me the guy i am dating is bad and lastime always tell me the guys r all bad.. i ever ask her does she want me to marry to her?!?!

I have been patience and talk logic but time and again she threaten me always say for me own good she track my account, make sure i go home early etc...sigh
Are you looking for a solution or others to convince you? Or just ranting and accepting that its too bad your mum is like this?
We cannot choose our parents, not everyone will learn to let go gracefully. When you are young, your parents guide you. Now that you are an adult, it is time for you to understand and help them let go too. Its not about rebelling, fighting and confronting them. Its about setting your boundaries, just as how they set their when we are babies. Help your folks go through their next phase. At the end of the day, they might not always appreciate. However, its your life, you have the choice.
 
Thanks everyone for the advice..it seems to get slightly better after i have a gd talk with her..

Btw need guy opinion, there are difference in opinion in my relationship with my bf who is much older and results in conflicts and arguement and him raising his voice at me as he say he cannot take it, afterwhich he will apologise and this is not the first time. The conflicts can spark from the words he use or i use in our conversation. Like for example if i mention i have been patience or treat him nice, instead of saying ok i know etc or acknowlege he mention oh i feel normal and compare to my ex you are the bottom few. This hurt me as i am a feeling person but to him he say is just a comment and he is speaking the truth.. for that this can translate in a quarrel..he mention that there is different dynamics he need to work on as both of our character clash based on opinions.. i feel this has cause a crack and really dont know how to resolve.. he also keep mention i can"t take criticism which is not totally true as if a partner can use criticism to joke on me how will i ever know is joking or real? Unless i ignore and disregard whatever comments that were made?

How should i handle such situation?
 
I always believe words we verbalise out can make or break anything and how words are put across is very important but it seems the big difference is that he use words on people but disregard the feeling at times and turn behind to say i am sensitive and cant take criticism..i feel helpless and loss unless he understand and change or i totally no feelings on any negative comments he make on me.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi, both of you are right in different aspects. We cannot prevent others from commenting, how we can take the feedback depends not just how others phase it but how much we reflect over it objectively regardless the manner it was presented. We need to be honest with ourselves. If the words were badly constructed, it is insensitive and leaves with a bad taste. That's a valid feedback. However, if the points are indeed true, then, its something you can learn and reflect from as well.

There is no hard and fast rule. The point about him comparing you with his partners isn't healthy at all. You should made that known. You can improve but that's always for your own good. He should love you for who you are. Else, he is always having a yardstick to measure you by, it is a meaningless and endless pursue to meet with expectations.

Couples need to work on open communication, unless your expectation of relationship is just companionship, sex and starting a family. Takes 2 to clap.
 
Yes i am working on it with effort, and try to evaluate the so called criticism and see how it work. I am trying my best to improve and work on negative.

We are trying to have open communication but small things like this snap him and the conflicts start.

I am been truthful to tell him after my failed relationship previously and that i have always learn to improve myself for my own good and i just comment, "of all my ex i have been patience and very good to you" , trying to tell him i have been improving to be a better person but instead of appreciating he drag out the sentence, "of all my ex, u dont treat me the nicest just normal". Yes it may be a comment but isnt he comparing?? Whereas for my case, i merely say i am now a better person so definitely i treat him the nicest by far as i learn fr exp..and he rebuke since i compare y cant he??

miloice, for case like this how should i deal? I have convey and say i dont like comparing with ex.
 

newproject

Active Member
How much older is your bf?

Is he more than 10 years older?

Is quite a bad sign he can say things like you bottom few in terms of ex. He says that a lot?
 
I think the worst criticism he say about me is i am stingy few times recently..i just feel i am not but perhaps i dont like to spend money on dining and food and sometimes i do pay my own when out dining at hawker centre or treat him if i suggest the restaurant etc and also buy him xmas gifts.. it makes me wonder is it his ex keep shower him with too much attention and gifts and pay for him most times which start the comparison. Right from start i told him my opinion that guy shld pay more but i also dont mind paying for meals etc.. and also we seldom go fine dining too...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Since when was it constructive to compare? So, its pointless to argue who can compare. Rather, just feedback and remind each other. We might subconsciously compare without realizing. Don't take to heart what is said in the fit of emotions, its almost always defensive and nasty. This is human nature. The more reactive and emotional a person is, the more they feel the need to response immediately. Take a step back, give both of you space to chill it. You mentioned, he apologised after, so, he is fully capable to reflect after.

Even if you guys are very angry, just be honest about it. Tell you straight, its not the right state of mind to discuss, let's chill out. Let him go to his cave. However, you guys should talk about it after. That's where both are back in calmer and more composure. Stop this you are wrong first argument. No one wins in a fight. The damage made during these conflict can and will scar the relationship.

I agree with newproject, the manner he is putting you down is demeaning. It should ring alarm bells.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
change and improve for yourself. Not him. From what I'm reading, he is a jerk frankly.

Most older men that date and marry younger spouse dote on their partners. He is behaving childishly, unlike a 40 year old.
 
Since when was it constructive to compare? So, its pointless to argue who can compare. Rather, just feedback and remind each other. We might subconsciously compare without realizing. Don't take to heart what is said in the fit of emotions, its almost always defensive and nasty. This is human nature. The more reactive and emotional a person is, the more they feel the need to response immediately. Take a step back, give both of you space to chill it. You mentioned, he apologised after, so, he is fully capable to reflect after.

Even if you guys are very angry, just be honest about it. Tell you straight, its not the right state of mind to discuss, let's chill out. Let him go to his cave. However, you guys should talk about it after. That's where both are back in calmer and more composure. Stop this you are wrong first argument. No one wins in a fight. The damage made during these conflict can and will scar the relationship.

I agree with newproject, the manner he is putting you down is demeaning. It should ring alarm bells.
That"s why i am reflecting last night after the conflicts yesterday when he pull me down with the comparison.. i did told him i dont like such comparison and him being defensive say i brought up my ex first which i did not compare him and them but just say i treat him the nicest now that i improved..

After he cool down he say there is certain dynamics he need to work on as my actions bring out his worst behaviour as he dont know how to handle me..
 

newproject

Active Member
i did told him i dont like such comparison and him being defensive say i brought up my ex first which i did not compare him and them but just say i treat him the nicest now that i improved..

Ah ok.. so wasn't out of blue he compare you and it's a one off thing so far. Still you guys dated 6 months already or not?

Quarreled much? If so about what?

After he cool down he say there is certain dynamics he need to work on as my actions bring out his worst behaviour as he dont know how to handle me..

I don't know man normally I would say guys dating over 10 years younger are likely to be immature. But your story with your mum makes me think you also immature for your age.
.
Tell us more. You have had exs before? How many? How long did you date? Why did it not work out?
 
Ah ok.. so wasn't out of blue he compare you and it's a one off thing so far. Still you guys dated 6 months already or not?

Quarreled much? If so about what?
On insentitive words which lead to more nasty words said..he is not those sensitive guy too logical thinking


I don't know man normally I would say guys dating over 10 years younger are likely to be immature. But your story with your mum makes me think you also immature for your age.
.
Tell us more. You have had exs before? How many? How long did you date? Why did it not work out?
The longest relationship i had is over 6. Years and dont work out as he dont want to settle down.
 

life_is

Active Member
I think the worst criticism he say about me is i am stingy few times recently..i just feel i am not but perhaps i dont like to spend money on dining and food and sometimes i do pay my own when out dining at hawker centre or treat him if i suggest the restaurant etc and also buy him xmas gifts.. it makes me wonder is it his ex keep shower him with too much attention and gifts and pay for him most times which start the comparison. Right from start i told him my opinion that guy shld pay more but i also dont mind paying for meals etc.. and also we seldom go fine dining too...

Considered nice already. He should appreciate you more. Some women expect men to pay for everything and just want to make use of them.
 
I think he is referring to the way we view things, like how he starts comparison and criticise.. anyway i have make known to him no more comparison about past relationship and we should work on us and the relationship..basically is our style of talking and handling comments

At times,i may be bit sentitive to his remarks but think i will try to paraphrase and use a "i" perspectives..instead of keeping quiet..
 

meiji5

Member
It doesn't only happen with guys who are 10 years older. My bf is 2 years younger. He's been through a lot of bad times which I'm not obliged to share, sorry guys.

We've had a lot of ups and downs and especially with communication. He has a quick temper and will flare up and say a lot of insensitive things, whilst I take the soft approach and reason out whatever the issue is.

About 1 month ago we had a really big argument and we both thrashed it out with each other. We voiced our unhappiness with each other and what things can be said or done or cannot be said or done. It seems since that huge argument, we understand each other more and know what boundaries cannot be crossed. So things have been pretty good so far.

Sometimes having a heart to heart talk may not work and you actually need to get into an argument to clear things up. Of course, I don't suggest this to you at all. It's just a way of how to handle things.

With my bf, initially I got pissed off for him picking on me for no reason so I did a lot of talking back (emotions). Then it became until I just let him pick on me and I don't say anything to further escalate the matter. After that, I take in what he said and would talk calmly to him in a reasoning way. Let him see my POV and how the things he says can hurt me. But we still quarreled and after a while I burst my bubble and just told him off too. We thrashed it out and managed to clear the air between us. So things are on a good path now.
 
It doesn't only happen with guys who are 10 years older. My bf is 2 years younger. He's been through a lot of bad times which I'm not obliged to share, sorry guys.

We've had a lot of ups and downs and especially with communication. He has a quick temper and will flare up and say a lot of insensitive things, whilst I take the soft approach and reason out whatever the issue is.

About 1 month ago we had a really big argument and we both thrashed it out with each other. We voiced our unhappiness with each other and what things can be said or done or cannot be said or done. It seems since that huge argument, we understand each other more and know what boundaries cannot be crossed. So things have been pretty good so far.

Sometimes having a heart to heart talk may not work and you actually need to get into an argument to clear things up. Of course, I don't suggest this to you at all. It's just a way of how to handle things.

With my bf, initially I got pissed off for him picking on me for no reason so I did a lot of talking back (emotions). Then it became until I just let him pick on me and I don't say anything to further escalate the matter. After that, I take in what he said and would talk calmly to him in a reasoning way. Let him see my POV and how the things he says can hurt me. But we still quarreled and after a while I burst my bubble and just told him off too. We thrashed it out and managed to clear the air between us. So things are on a good path now.

I feel u as our fights occur due to insensitive remarks he made on me which he say is joking etc like you i am emotional and tend to feel hurt by the words..

Is time i voice out when he make any insensitive remarks and draw the line on how the comments can be rephrase to sound better or whether the criticism or remarks are constructive or valid for any inprovement.
 

littlepinkpointes

Active Member
It doesn't only happen with guys who are 10 years older. My bf is 2 years younger. He's been through a lot of bad times which I'm not obliged to share, sorry guys.

We've had a lot of ups and downs and especially with communication. He has a quick temper and will flare up and say a lot of insensitive things, whilst I take the soft approach and reason out whatever the issue is.

About 1 month ago we had a really big argument and we both thrashed it out with each other. We voiced our unhappiness with each other and what things can be said or done or cannot be said or done. It seems since that huge argument, we understand each other more and know what boundaries cannot be crossed. So things have been pretty good so far.

Sometimes having a heart to heart talk may not work and you actually need to get into an argument to clear things up. Of course, I don't suggest this to you at all. It's just a way of how to handle things.

With my bf, initially I got pissed off for him picking on me for no reason so I did a lot of talking back (emotions). Then it became until I just let him pick on me and I don't say anything to further escalate the matter. After that, I take in what he said and would talk calmly to him in a reasoning way. Let him see my POV and how the things he says can hurt me. But we still quarreled and after a while I burst my bubble and just told him off too. We thrashed it out and managed to clear the air between us. So things are on a good path now.

i totally feel u cause i'm in ths same situation. hahhaa
i agree sometimes the best option to solve thing is unfortunately through huge arguments. although it will be unpleasant but its somehow the platform to get the messgae convey and understood.

my mister thinks some of his jokes teasing me is funny and harmless.
until once i literally blew up cause he repeatedly made the same joke.
now i just ignore and he gets it that i'm not amused by it.
then i realized he purposely make fun of me just to see me react, without knowing it is insensitive. =)
 

littlepinkpointes

Active Member
I think he is referring to the way we view things, like how he starts comparison and criticise.. anyway i have make known to him no more comparison about past relationship and we should work on us and the relationship..basically is our style of talking and handling comments

At times,i may be bit sentitive to his remarks but think i will try to paraphrase and use a "i" perspectives..instead of keeping quiet..

through experience, i feel blowing up and reacting it with anger and frustration to him makes things worst.
u feel upset and he'll think u are trying to be defensive.

i usually walk away for a while and cool down before i talk to him about him, because i know discussing the issue with him with an angry heart and mind will affect what i say. it might sound even more nasty/brutal/hurt.

talk to him, after u feel slightly better or less irritated. if he flares up, postpone the talk until both of u are in a better position and mood to.
but dont sit on it too long.

=)
 
Well. I wanted to always make effort and work things out but guess what....yesterday while going out he was swiping his hp and i saw his recently visit app and saw ok cupid app icon.. i was shocked and wanted to brush off.. and decides to reinstall the app and log into my account and guess what, i saw his profile and he was online lastnight after sending me home.. and he was also online this morning.. but i cant confront him given that i no concrete evidence and he have been meeting me wonder how in hell he can betray me .. have i not seen the app i be in the dark..


I dont know but dont feel good and given the recent quarrel he may slant to the app more.. we did not quarrel after the incident but now my heart is shattered.


Then why in first place he want to apologise and reconcile after? Can just leave me..,whicj i ever tell him if he dont want work things out.
 

littlepinkpointes

Active Member
Well. I wanted to always make effort and work things out but guess what....yesterday while going out he was swiping his hp and i saw his recently visit app and saw ok cupid app icon.. i was shocked and wanted to brush off.. and decides to reinstall the app and log into my account and guess what, i saw his profile and he was online lastnight after sending me home.. and he was also online this morning.. but i cant confront him given that i no concrete evidence and he have been meeting me wonder how in hell he can betray me .. have i not seen the app i be in the dark..


I dont know but dont feel good and given the recent quarrel he may slant to the app more.. we did not quarrel after the incident but now my heart is shattered.


Then why in first place he want to apologise and reconcile after? Can just leave me..,whicj i ever tell him if he dont want work things out.

Hmm if it bothers u (which I think it's normal to feel shattered) why don't u nudge and ask him. To avoid having a fiery discussion, ask him about the app in a nicer way (although I can imagine no other nicer way than confrontation). Maybe something like, "Eh why do u (still) have this app?" Since you saw it in his phone while he was using it (and not while u were sneaking into his phone), I think it's fine for u to clarify.

Don't let the recent discover consume u cause it will lead u to many 'thoughts'. Instead of feeling broken/doubtful/disappointed/angry, why not try clarifying it with him and see how he handles ur approach.

Sorry but may I ask how long have u been tgt?
 
Hmm if it bothers u (which I think it's normal to feel shattered) why don't u nudge and ask him. To avoid having a fiery discussion, ask him about the app in a nicer way (although I can imagine no other nicer way than confrontation). Maybe something like, "Eh why do u (still) have this app?" Since you saw it in his phone while he was using it (and not while u were sneaking into his phone), I think it's fine for u to clarify.

Don't let the recent discover consume u cause it will lead u to many 'thoughts'. Instead of feeling broken/doubtful/disappointed/angry, why not try clarifying it with him and see how he handles ur approach.

Sorry but may I ask how long have u been tgt?

How i wish i can clarify with him but i guess he will sure flare up given that we are together only going to 6 months.. i am disappointed as we are togther not long and he dont seem committed. Like he is evaluating me..

I only saw the app hist once dont know how to probe the subject afraid it may backfire and he turn to the app for confort. If i did not find out about the app i still thought he is loyal just only insensitive in his talking.. but now this happen, my trust is broken already.
 

newproject

Active Member
How i wish i can clarify with him but i guess he will sure flare up given that we are together only going to 6 months.. i am disappointed as we are togther not long and he dont seem committed. Like he is evaluating me..

I only saw the app hist once dont know how to probe the subject afraid it may backfire and he turn to the app for confort. If i did not find out about the app i still thought he is loyal just only insensitive in his talking.. but now this happen, my trust is broken already.
Sorry to hear that. But yeah it sounds he not committed.

Think he looking to find someone else.

I think you should just ask, no point hiding from truth.
 
I think i will give this relationship another month or so and decide.. i will confront him then showing him screenshot that my gal pal was swiping th app n i saw him and see what he will say...rather then confronting him i in the app as he will deny and say i also go in the app..

Seriously, if did not see the app hist i will still be kept in the dark..
 

littlepinkpointes

Active Member
I think i will give this relationship another month or so and decide.. i will confront him then showing him screenshot that my gal pal was swiping th app n i saw him and see what he will say...rather then confronting him i in the app as he will deny and say i also go in the app..

Seriously, if did not see the app hist i will still be kept in the dark..

Well, the longer u tell urself to put on hold, the more u are in self denial. Why wait for a month or so when u know u are already being disturbed and bothered by what u discovered?
U can live for a month or so with such unsettling thoughts?

If u wanna clarify and straighten things out, why need to wait?

Idk if he's committed or serious in this r/s with u. But from what u discovered, holding on or continuing with dating apps when u already in a r/s is not right la I feel. Unless u both agreed in the beginning of this that u are not exclusive to one another.
 

Infernolord

Active Member
Sorry to hear that. But yeah it sounds he not committed.

Think he looking to find someone else.

I think you should just ask, no point hiding from truth.

Ya.. I concurred with newproject.
What happening to you is what i experienced before.. No good ending.

Now, i am very firm and sure of what i want. I lay my rules very clean from the beginning. If someone really want you, she/he will be apologetic if they crossed the line.
Comparsion will only break a rs apart. It is Nonsense that he blaming and he is comparing you with his ex. WTH. he is say his ex gave his all his fantasy sexual demands, cash and everything, are you going to conform to his demands?
Come on lah, did you compare him with your ex. Lay your terms clear and REASONABLE, walk off if he continue to do it. He is not respecting you for doing it.
You be surprise with the outcome. U have to be firm.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
don't let him lead you by the nose. When a relationship doesn't allow communication, it will never work. Flaring up, snapping etc. when its not a moment of reaction but a constant behavior, is an emotionally abusive relationship. Get out.
 


littlepinkpointes

Active Member
it also seems to me he is trying to find many flaws and faults with u to 'blame' on.
And in top of that he's still 'fishing' and 'looking' for other girls in dating apps.

He's basically not respecting u I feel.

Sigh.
 

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