he said he has low sex drive... i don't feel so?

miloice

Well-Known Member
thyroid problems, you need to see the doctor. It is NOT your diet or lifestyle. There are medications that help. Your metabolism is totally screw up because of your condition.
 


Ayataka

New Member
Hi ladies...

My case is totally opposite situation.... my wife is the one that is having very low sex drive.... I truly share the same sediments for the rejection times after times of initiating..... sometimes I just don't know how to make her wanting more sex....

I had tried buying sexy lingerie for her and sexy underwear for myself.....also tried watch porn together.... also bought some sex toy to try..... but all doesn't seems to work....till now we still doing it like once a week(if I am lucky) or if not, once every fortnightly....

I don't agree that sexy means having a big boobs, nice curves or bodies..... my wife is a bit bak bak type.... but I had always tell her.... she needs to feel confident and moves confidently, she will be sexy......

Hi energetic,

whatever methods you do to turn her on will not work unless your wife feels confident about her body. Her self-confidence and self-perception are very important. You may like to find out why she's lacking confidence in her body and exactly which parts of her body she's not confident of and get around those areas. For instance, if she is shy because of a lack of self-confidence, you may want to dim the lights. If she needs affirmation, you may want to praise her more often (instead of I love you, saying something nice about her body). I don't know how adventurous you can be but during the act itself, you may want to praise her too.
 

Ayataka

New Member
Both sides of the opinions on the matter have been going on in my own mind all these while as well... and it heartens me that i am not crazy in being caught in this endless loop of questioning and questioning from all different angles but no conclusive definite solution.

i have been convinced that i am a psychotic crazy person who needs medical attention for my problems that i "make up in my mind". and yet, i have also been convinced that i am very loved by him and taken care of by him for the rest of my life. everyone we know, including my parents, all love him so much and tells me he treats me really really well. our common best friend (his best friend, my good friend whom i tend to rely on quite a bit) told me he knew that my so loves me very very much.

i am battling thyroid problems that cause me to gain a lot a lot of weight while at the same time told that my chances of getting pregnant is very very low. my SO always wanted to have a child. when i went to see the doctor a few weeks ago, i was given that news about this. so i held back my tears at the clinic, cried alone, and then decided to pluck up the courage to tell him the news. he was smiling at me. he said, "don't be silly. i will never leave you. i made that promise to myself the first time i met you, and i want to be with you for the rest of my life. whatever happens, through thick and thin, i will always walk with you. so what if we have trouble conceiving. there are other options like adoption or surrogacy. we will find a way together."
I think it's important that you do not lose faith and lose sight of your weight loss goal despite having thyroid unless your doctor tells your otherwise that exercises are harmful to your thyroid problems. It also doesn't matter what were the causes of your weight gain. The important thing is you plan to do something about it and you are doing it now.
so you see the conflicted messages i am getting from him. on one hand, he is this guy who has absolute no sex interest in me but then tells me i'm beautiful everyday, wants to be with me, and tells me things like this to reassure me of the future and his love.
It's not at all conflicting if you believe what I'm going to tell you, albeit from a woman's perspective. I believe he loves you but this doesn't mean he is physically attracted to you. Perhaps he was once physically attracted to you but with the changes in your body, he is no longer physically attracted to you. Sexual attraction to men is probably more physiologically than psychological compared to women. He probably felt guilty for not being attracted to you too and you had to rub it in by trying very hard to seduce him and stuff. So I think I can imagine his frustrations too. I was once in your position. That person is now my ex bf. It came to a point where he finally gave up.

i tried my best to dress up. no. correction. dress differently. i have always looked good. everyone i know, strangers even, praise my sense of style which is something i always take pride in. but i realise, it might not be what he likes and therefore hurting his attraction towards me. so i bought things i'll never wear - tight shirts and stuff. crap so freaking uncomfortable. men were looking at me. men walking next to their girlfriends and wives were staring. on one hand, it felt strange to me that men were staring. on the other hand, i felt angry. i was angry because of many things. one of which is i am so freaking uncomfortable showing off my cleavage and what not. and another, no matter how tight my shirt is going to be, or how push up my chest is going to be, there will always be another younger skinnier hotter girl with shorter shorts and skirts walking ahead of me for him. i realised, i can never win. its a stupid thing to even try this way.
Aiyo my dear girl, it's not about your dressing when it comes to sexual appeal in the bedroom. Given an obese woman clad in an XXXL beautiful flowy dress and a slim and well-toned woman clad in an ah ma's pyjamas, who would you bed, if you are the average man? And it's not about there's always another younger, skinnier hotter girl. You are saying this because you are not one now. Once you are one of them, you would command such great attention from him and men that you can't be bothered about other younger, skinnier hotter girls. You may even pay attention to them and admire their beauty, confidently calling out to your bf to look at them. And it's not about winning others. You got to win yourself first. Win what you may ask? Win back your self-confidence and pride.

I have reached a point whereby i am so thoroughly unhappy and yet, "happy", or more like comforted, whenever i am with him. i just want to throw myself into his arms and have him hold me and feel that warmth and oblivion of the world and its problems. and yet, i have recurring nightmares, i have fears, so many fears, i have so much doubts. in the end, we are still fighting everyday, arguing everyday about this. because i have lost my smile. he tries very hard to make me smile, but i have lost it.
What's the point of arguing over this? I've told you it's a vicious cycle. You should focus on the good things in your relationship now and not on lousy sex, little sex. What do you expect him to do? To suddenly get turned on by you when it's physically not possible for him to do so? You are just pushing him away and forcing him to bid you goodbye one day when he's tormented enough by you.

i find myself wanting to seduce him. i try and i try and i try, but i always keep failing. and even if we do make love, its terrible. so horrible. and its not like i don't want to - i always always want to and i have never said no in the duration of our relationship. i am always the one initiating. i have put myself out there for him, tried to do sexy things, but always left cold. humiliated. and when i try to tell him, he gets mad at me and says i am trying too hard. too desperate and it ruins everything for him. i'm left in a limbo.
Yes, you are trying too hard in case you didn't realise. If a man whom you are not physically attracted to does this to you, I'm sure you would consider that 'rape' or 'outrage of modesty'. Even for husband and wife, this must be natural and consensual. Stop seducing him. Focus on yourself. Milo and I have been trying to help but you haven't really allowed us to help. We did ask you about your typical diets but I don't remember reading a reply from you. It makes me wonder are your serious about losing weight too. Or...are you hoping to have someone tell you here that true love can overcome everything including making a man's manhood excited for a body that's generally not attractive. It doesn't work that way and I've learnt it after a few failed relationships. I'm always slim and pretty when single but fat and ugly when attached due to two reasons: when I'm happy and in 'comfort zone', I eat and gain weight. Now of course I've changed that mindset and transformed myself physically. I've decided to have self-discipline instead for my own health, beauty and self-confidence.
he gets so aroused and excited when his stupid best friend shares his one night stand excapades with him. once, i caught him getting excited over it (his friend texted) and he couldn't hide it so he hugged me and said he wanted it too. in my mind, i'm like "huh want what?" "which part? the novelty (as in the different new girl) part? or the making love part?" "is it the making love part? i am trying, no? but he's not interested? he says he is tired, he is stressed or he is sick".
has he always been like this all these years? thinking this way? or just recently? maybe, he is really just not interested in my body and how i look anymore.

maybe variety is really the thing men are looking for (i don't want to generalise. just making an assumption which could be wrong). after all, we are each other's firsts. i believe, or rather i want to believe, mine is the only body he has seen or touched in real life (not reel life). maybe, he needs to go out there to see other women before deciding if i am the one for him, and i must wait patiently and cross my fingers and hope that he will pick me. pick me! pick me! thats all i can think of.

i read in cosmopolitan for next month's issue about men and cheating. that ATTRACTION X OPPORTUNITY - TRUST = CHEATING.

i feel like a desperate whore trying to seduce the man i love because i am losing control of my life and the meaning of love.

maybe, its harks back to this image of the girl peeling the rose petals, i find myself asking he loves me? he loves me not.

can love really work without physical attraction? or is that bull?

Love can work without physical attraction if both think likewise and are not that interested in sex.
Love can work without physical attraction if both are way past 50s and have declined sexual needs.
I know you are hoping to read this: Love can work without physical attraction because love surpasses everything and couples can engage in love-making purely out of love despite the lack of physical attraction - BULLSHIT I would say.

Sorry if I sounded harsh but I found your thoughts very much like mine in the past. Just don't want you to continue to wallow in self-pity and to continue this vicious cycle without thinking or doing anything constructive.
 

seratoh

Member
Both sides of the opinions on the matter have been going on in my own mind all these while as well... and it heartens me that i am not crazy in being caught in this endless loop of questioning and questioning from all different angles but no conclusive definite solution.

i have been convinced that i am a psychotic crazy person who needs medical attention for my problems that i "make up in my mind". and yet, i have also been convinced that i am very loved by him and taken care of by him for the rest of my life. everyone we know, including my parents, all love him so much and tells me he treats me really really well. our common best friend (his best friend, my good friend whom i tend to rely on quite a bit) told me he knew that my so loves me very very much.

i am battling thyroid problems that cause me to gain a lot a lot of weight while at the same time told that my chances of getting pregnant is very very low. my SO always wanted to have a child. when i went to see the doctor a few weeks ago, i was given that news about this. so i held back my tears at the clinic, cried alone, and then decided to pluck up the courage to tell him the news. he was smiling at me. he said, "don't be silly. i will never leave you. i made that promise to myself the first time i met you, and i want to be with you for the rest of my life. whatever happens, through thick and thin, i will always walk with you. so what if we have trouble conceiving. there are other options like adoption or surrogacy. we will find a way together."

so you see the conflicted messages i am getting from him. on one hand, he is this guy who has absolute no sex interest in me but then tells me i'm beautiful everyday, wants to be with me, and tells me things like this to reassure me of the future and his love.


i tried my best to dress up. no. correction. dress differently. i have always looked good. everyone i know, strangers even, praise my sense of style which is something i always take pride in. but i realise, it might not be what he likes and therefore hurting his attraction towards me. so i bought things i'll never wear - tight shirts and stuff. crap so freaking uncomfortable. men were looking at me. men walking next to their girlfriends and wives were staring. on one hand, it felt strange to me that men were staring. on the other hand, i felt angry. i was angry because of many things. one of which is i am so freaking uncomfortable showing off my cleavage and what not. and another, no matter how tight my shirt is going to be, or how push up my chest is going to be, there will always be another younger skinnier hotter girl with shorter shorts and skirts walking ahead of me for him. i realised, i can never win. its a stupid thing to even try this way.


I have reached a point whereby i am so thoroughly unhappy and yet, "happy", or more like comforted, whenever i am with him. i just want to throw myself into his arms and have him hold me and feel that warmth and oblivion of the world and its problems. and yet, i have recurring nightmares, i have fears, so many fears, i have so much doubts. in the end, we are still fighting everyday, arguing everyday about this. because i have lost my smile. he tries very hard to make me smile, but i have lost it.

i find myself wanting to seduce him. i try and i try and i try, but i always keep failing. and even if we do make love, its terrible. so horrible. and its not like i don't want to - i always always want to and i have never said no in the duration of our relationship. i am always the one initiating. i have put myself out there for him, tried to do sexy things, but always left cold. humiliated. and when i try to tell him, he gets mad at me and says i am trying too hard. too desperate and it ruins everything for him. i'm left in a limbo.

he gets so aroused and excited when his stupid best friend shares his one night stand excapades with him. once, i caught him getting excited over it (his friend texted) and he couldn't hide it so he hugged me and said he wanted it too. in my mind, i'm like "huh want what?" "which part? the novelty (as in the different new girl) part? or the making love part?" "is it the making love part? i am trying, no? but he's not interested? he says he is tired, he is stressed or he is sick".
has he always been like this all these years? thinking this way? or just recently? maybe, he is really just not interested in my body and how i look anymore.

maybe variety is really the thing men are looking for (i don't want to generalise. just making an assumption which could be wrong). after all, we are each other's firsts. i believe, or rather i want to believe, mine is the only body he has seen or touched in real life (not reel life). maybe, he needs to go out there to see other women before deciding if i am the one for him, and i must wait patiently and cross my fingers and hope that he will pick me. pick me! pick me! thats all i can think of.

i read in cosmopolitan for next month's issue about men and cheating. that ATTRACTION X OPPORTUNITY - TRUST = CHEATING.

i feel like a desperate whore trying to seduce the man i love because i am losing control of my life and the meaning of love.

maybe, its harks back to this image of the girl peeling the rose petals, i find myself asking he loves me? he loves me not.

can love really work without physical attraction? or is that bull?
HI dear, why don't u try solving your health problem by starting to exercise? It can solve a lot of fitness issues and your body will naturally look sexy too. If all u say is true, this guy is a keeper. He is one of a kind.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
HI dear, why don't u try solving your health problem by starting to exercise? It can solve a lot of fitness issues and your body will naturally look sexy too. If all u say is true, this guy is a keeper. He is one of a kind.

Obviously you didn't read her later posts, she isn't even eating properly, and doing a lot of exercise. Pretty sure its more than most of us are doing.

Thyroid problems affects the metabolism, screws up her emotions, get her depressed and gives her anxiety. She mentions how he is overly concerned with her BMI. Not sure if that is a keeper for a guy that cannot accept his partner for who she is.
 

seratoh

Member
Obviously you didn't read her later posts, she isn't even eating properly, and doing a lot of exercise. Pretty sure its more than most of us are doing.

Thyroid problems affects the metabolism, screws up her emotions, get her depressed and gives her anxiety. She mentions how he is overly concerned with her BMI. Not sure if that is a keeper for a guy that cannot accept his partner for who she is.
HI auntie, nobody will be like u to stalk all the way up, I am just seeing the quotes by some other people maybe it's my fault :( for not stalking all up :(
 

seratoh

Member
Dude, why excuses for not reading? You need reading glasses.
Maybe I need that when I reach your age. And I already said sorry for not reading that up, oh or u don't know what is the meaning of stalk? Clearly u are an authentic auntie
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Maybe I need that when I reach your age. And I already said sorry for not reading that up, oh or u don't know what is the meaning of stalk? Clearly u are an authentic auntie
Lame wiggle. You don't read at all. Your comments is as good as random. Dishing advise that is not even relevant. That's stupid.

Writing in the right context isn't stalking, unability to read suggests problem with your eyesight. You can be 10 year old kiddo, it doesn't matter.
 

seratoh

Member
Lame wiggle. You don't read at all. Your comments is as good as random. Dishing advise that is not even relevant. That's stupid.

Writing in the right context isn't stalking, unability to read suggests problem with your eyesight. You can be 10 year old kiddo, it doesn't matter.
First, you tell me you are not an auntie which leaves me a doubt when you are calling a girl or lady a pig? Are u dick less?
Secondly, now u call me a 10 year old kiddo, I must be the most honourable kid ever, to make an ah gua stoop down to my level to entertain me and call me lame. Quarreling with a kid is more lame.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
First, you tell me you are not an auntie which leaves me a doubt when you are calling a girl or lady a pig? Are u dick less?
Secondly, now u call me a 10 year old kiddo, I must be the most honourable kid ever, to make an ah gua stoop down to my level to entertain me and call me lame. Quarreling with a kid is more lame.
STRONG WORDS.... can't out win a statement and you mad? it reflects your image.
 

seratoh

Member
STRONG WORDS.... can't out win a statement and you mad? it reflects your image.
I have never say I am a mature professional working woman. In fact I have already like stated my age or generation. I think you are the one that need reading glasses. But first you need to sort out your gender.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Once again, you cannot read,
Writing in the right context isn't stalking, unability to read suggests problem with your eyesight. You can be 10 year old kiddo, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't mean you are for sure 10 year old. Dude, you really need your brains checked out.
 

seratoh

Member
Once again, you cannot read,
Writing in the right context isn't stalking, unability to read suggests problem with your eyesight. You can be 10 year old kiddo, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't mean you are for sure 10 year old. Dude, you really need your brains checked out.
OH well cos you sound like you are indirectly calling me a ten year old kid. :) yeah I need to check my brain now cos I am mindf*cked by an ah gua that needs to get his gender checked immediately.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
OH well cos you sound like you are indirectly calling me a ten year old kid. :) yeah I need to check my brain now cos I am mindf*cked by an ah gua that needs to get his gender checked immediately.
More wriggling and deflection. Such personal attacks is exactly very auntie. :) The reflection hasn't been clearer.
I pointed out clearly to you TS issues is a medical one, she has been trying everything and you didn't even read. Somehow everyone in here that understood and offered help to her is a stalker now according to your logic.

Such WONDERFUL logic. Pretty justified that your eyesight and brains need to be checked.
 

seratoh

Member
More wriggling and deflection. Such personal attacks is exactly very auntie. :) The reflection hasn't been clearer.
I pointed out clearly to you TS issues is a medical one, she has been trying everything and you didn't even read. Somehow everyone in here that understood and offered help to her is a stalker now according to your logic.

Such WONDERFUL logic. Pretty justified that your eyesight and brains need to be checked.
Firstly I already apologised earlier which I think u don't give a ****, secondly I already stated I will go and have a full body checkup becos I am mentally fucked by a confusing transsexual. How many times you want me to say and please don't avoid the topic or you just don't have anything to say anymore.
 

seratoh

Member
First call me a pig, then call me a kid, now call me an auntie, aiyoh why u so confusing. Make up your mind please. Don't confuse me like how you confused yourself.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Firstly I already apologised earlier which I think u don't give a ****, secondly I already stated I will go and have a full body checkup becos I am mentally fucked by a confusing transsexual. How many times you want me to say and please don't avoid the topic or you just don't have anything to say anymore.
Look, not everyone link all topics together in every thread. My point to you in this thread is so clear from the beginning. So, please stop the wiggling. You didn't read, simple as that. TS gave details of her issue and after all she said, you completely clueless gave irrelevant feedback. I told you exactly that. Auntie this auntie that. Your age is not important here. You can be old or young, it doesn't matter, how you behave and engage reflects your mentality age. That is the point. YET, you can only read literally and not even getting the point.
 

seratoh

Member
Look, not everyone link all topics together in every thread. My point to you in this thread is so clear from the beginning. So, please stop the wiggling. You didn't read, simple as that. TS gave details of her issue and after all she said, you completely clueless gave irrelevant feedback. I told you exactly that. Auntie this auntie that. Your age is not important here. You can be old or young, it doesn't matter, how you behave and engage reflects your mentality age. That is the point. YET, you can only read literally and not even getting the point.
Omg how is that wiggling when I already said sorry right from the start. All the while you are the one that wiggle whenever I mention your confusing gender. Are u sheeeerious?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Omg how is that wiggling when I already said sorry right from the start. All the while you are the one that wiggle whenever I mention your confusing gender. Are u sheeeerious?
Let me quote your SO CALL SORRY.
"HI auntie, nobody will be like u to stalk all the way up, I am just seeing the quotes by some other people maybe it's my fault :( for not stalking all up :("

So.... that is what your claimed as sorry from the start. You went on an offensive with excuses for NOT READING. That is not sorry for not reading. That is, "YOU ARE STALKING. I'm just normal here for not reading."

So, please stop the wiggling. You seriously don't even read your own writing. You think you apologized when you actually went on an attack. As mentioned, you are the only one that got it completely wrong and others read. The stalking comment would be applicable to everyone. Your logic failed.
 

seratoh

Member
Okay so u don't want me to read okay.. And you are telling a pig to read. Are you sheeerious? Or herrious? Which one. I am confused
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
IF you want to discuss about the other threads, use that thread. I was addressing you for your comments there.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
On the comment that you once again wrote in the wrong thread.

It further prove the point that you should read. By responding in the wrong thread, it isn't helping your weakness to read.

Let me quote for you what she wrote :
"I haven't lost weight yet not because I didn't care about myself at all. like miloice, I don't shun eggs. I do take 1 every alternate mornings for energy after workout. I weigh my food. watch my portions. how I cook them. I haven't had carbs or sugared drinks or desserts or cakes or etc. for at least 2 months now. I run every alternate days, I kickbox and yoga once every week, Hiit training every alternate days for 5km, and even have a PT.. I do this religiously. religiously. recently, I've retaken up cycling with him... but I'm embarrassed. I haven't lost weight, even if I can run faster stronger longer or successfully hold a yoga pose I've been training to do, I don't feel good at all. because all I see is him n other attractive women.

I went to see a slimming person behind his back because I'm so desperate now. I was told to eat lesser than what I already am. I don't even have dinners anymore even after cutting carbs n sugar completely. she told me, as a matter of fact, some women r meant to be bigger"


As much as you claim you read, you actually think cardio is some big rocket science that she hasn't explored. After pointing it out so many times for you to read. YOU DON'T READ. Your reply is proof of it.
 

jjjk

Member
Chill here. There is a real person here going through real emotional torment. Last we should do is hijack her thread like that.

I have been closely following this thread but keeping quiet because sound advice have already been shared, but some people just don't understand the consequences of frivolously offering self righteous advice as if the TS hasn't even attempted what is proposed already. It's easy to be a keyboard warrior, but think of the victim please.
 
I happened upon this post whilst searching for a brand of oven. I was not a member. Somehow I fell on your post and was a little intrigued and kept reading. I joined this forum for one reason only, so that I can comment on your post. Turn around and run as fast as you possibly can. You are destined to a life of misery if you don't. How can you even think about starting off your marriage like this? No, sex is not important, if it isn't important to both of you! But it is clearly important to you which is perfectly normal and healthy. And you enjoy it. So you are going to give up a perfectly normal part of life because he doesn't want it with you but prefers looking at girls on a screen (for the moment perhaps, but you honestly think it is going to end there, absolutely not!). He is a young man. It is not like he is not interested in sex either. He clearly is. Just not with you. I am sorry if I sound callous but you risk being miserable for the rest of your life just to save face. This is madness. Yes, you have perhaps ticked all the other boxes in what he is looking for in a wife and he knows he can tick the sex box elsewhere. And you? Would he mind you having sex with other men? You damned well bet he would not. And I'm sure this doesn't appeal to you either. I know you have invested a lot in this relationship and you think you love him but give yourself time and you will meet someone who ticks all the boxes for you, and you for them. This is so scary it is awful and I really don't want to see you repeat exactly the same error that 'I' made myself. He is manipulating you. You are trying to think like him. What you feel and think is just as important as what he feels and thinks. Please try and instill that into your brain. He might be very nice in other ways but you sound to me to be a very unhappy girl. I strongly suggest you find a counsellor who will help you to repair your self esteem and to fight for what you desire in life and who will probably also be able to help to put you in the right frame of mind to lose weight. This also isn't good for your self esteem. And remember that even if you lose the weight for the present man, he will find another excuse. Please listen to me as I have been in your shoes and I honestly do not wish that upon anyone. He is very, very unkind and cruel to you in the worst possible way. I am sorry if I have hurt you but I have said this from my heart and I wish you every happiness.
 

kshir

Member
dear feliciamay,

I think you know the answer deep within you. You hate how he makes you feel. Do you want to continue your whole life with this fear? This distrust? Never having confidence in your sexuality? It will only be a matter of time, he acts on his addiction. And when he does, are you going to accept it, that he loves you, that he just had sex with some stranger but he still loves you?? If he loves you, he'd not be doing all these to hurt you, make you feel lousy about yourself.

Pluck up courage. Do the right thing. For yourself.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Felicia, if you are still reading this thread,
do check up in youtube a video "Never, Ever Give Up. Arthur's Inspirational Transformation!"

There are numerous stories, its from ordinary people like all of us. His medical problem was greater than all of us. He couldn't even walk. Did he give up? He did for sometime, that made his condition worser. What changed? The belief. The hope that one stranger gave him, this man held on to this hope and made a miracle.

You spoke about your conviction to change.

Thyroid problems is known to screw up not just your metabolism and weight. It gives you anxiety and depression. So, you must seek medical help to keep that in track. Don't give up, that self belief is going to make that difference for you. Focus on yourself first, your health should not wait. Relationship and marriage do not need to be rushed.
 

feliciamay

New Member
Hi, i'm so sorry to have caused a conflict between people. its never my intention to create distress. i'm so sorry.

sometimes, you never really seem to understand or comprehend fully, but sharing troubles and having strangers as kind souls helping you out, knowing that someone somewhere out there is listening or reading or experiencing what you are going through or can empathize with you, even if it is a virtual world, can really bring such great comfort and strength and support. i am so thankful for giving me an outlet to share because i have no where else to go, and knowing that there are people out there who have success in their marriage or love life listening and helping advising, is really a great kind of support.

I have been seeing doctors for my problems and its been nothing but emotionally difficult. on top of work, family, health, working out, and him and this painful matter, i am drowning but yet, somehow managing to stay afloat ironically.

recently we had decided to take a trip to thailand to renew our relationship. just some short time away from everyone and everything here and dedicate to the both of us. it was beautiful for the most bit. we were laughing, having fun, and more importantly, we did engage in you know. i'ms sorry if this is really tmi and its really awkward. but to be honest, everything just felt mechanical. like going through the motions. he had difficulty reaching there. he told me he's just exhausted from work hence the difficulty. i accepted it. but as a woman, and on top of everything that has been going on, i cannot help but feel horrible about myself. When i probed further, he got upset and started telling me its because i am adding so much unnecessary pressure on him and us by continuing to hold on to this matter (what started this whole issue in the first place) and that i am being fake and trying too hard to "please him" that i end up killing the mood. i could only apologise and kept my tears to myself because i didn't want to push him any further.

but other than that, we had so much fun. we were genuinely happy together. we explored together, did new things together, it was like this never happened and we were just young and happy and so into each other. "i love you"s were flying everywhere, people thought we were on our honeymoon. it was heaven.

anyway, i realise that a big part is my indecisiveness. see, he is right. i don't trust him at all. i really don't. i kept waiting and thinking and imagining that the worst (cheating) will happen or have happened and i just don't know it yet. BUT, YET, because of how i look, my self esteem is absolutely low and YET i dare to show myself vulnerably in front of him if you understand want i mean. so, if i don't believe or trust him, how could i have let my most vulnerable state shown to him? so i'm in my own whirlpool of mess and hence, i cannot expect to make any logical or sound decision.

i kept asking myself is this just a hiccup. a hurdle that we both have to go through before the wedding,. like a final push. but i din't know. its too much of a test. he expects me to forget everything and move on and be my "happy jovial self". and when i'm not, he'll say "you have changed."

he kept asking me this one question to which i have no answer to: he asked me, "ask yourself, what do you really want. do you really want to be skinny like those girls? if yes, i'll help you get there. but it has to be what YOU want. not what I want."

to which, i replied, "i don't know. but i know this for sure. I know that all my life, i have NEVER looked like one of those girls - the pretty skinny slim hot girls that we see on the streets everywhere. i accepted my body for the way it is. and even with this health problem, i curse and swear at why i have to go through this but i know its just a problem i must learn to fix and be strong with. so if you asked me that question a few years ago, i will tell you that for all my life, i have NEVER wanted to look like that. i am curvy and i know it, i accept it, i embrace it even if everyone i've met made fun of me for not looking like a certain way. BUT, if you ask me this question right now, i can only tell you that i don't know anymore. i no longer know what i want. somehow, what i want have is lost. what i want is now what you want. and from everything that has happened and everything that i know thus far, what you want is THAT. so that should be what i want right now. i want to make myself to look like a skinny pretty girl because if that is what its going to take to be perfect in your eyes, then i will do it. damn the health problem. i will find all ways to get there."

it is at this moment that i've realised i have lost my sense of identity.
he got upset with my answer because he thought i am blaming him and making him out to be a bad bf and he hates that people think he is a bad person.
when this unraveled, he told me its because i was too controlling. then when the same problem happened again (which led to these posts), he told me its because i was overweight. then now, when our sex life is horrible, he told me its my fault again for putting pressure on him with all these "nonsense".

BUT i'm certain he loves me. i tell you i am so certain. if he is not, he wouldn't be planning his finances for us, he wouldn't be making investments for us, he wouldn't be planning for the future, and even planning for a child to arrive whether adoption or IVF or natural or whatever, he wouldn't be telling me his parents love me so much and that he wouldn't have smile so vibrantly when he sees his family so happy with me when we hang out, and he wouldn't tell me i'm beautiful.

so i am asking myself this: do i really understand men at all. if i don't, then i have to learn to understand them better so i can be a better partner.
and i am asking myself this: all my workouts, all my painful dieting and seeking of medical opinions are for him, or for myself? and if it is for him, do i rationalise it as as long as he is happy and satisfied, i am happy too.

i've read a post somewhere that "when someone else's happiness your happiness, that is love".
 

kentlim26

New Member
if a man truly love a plump woman. this plump woman will never never hear bf/ hubby says " you are overweight"

it will never ever come across in his mind forever. unless you are over 110kg. stay around weight
105kg ~ 65kg .
 

Infernolord

Active Member
if a man truly love a plump woman. this plump woman will never never hear bf/ hubby says " you are overweight"

it will never ever come across in his mind forever. unless you are over 110kg. stay around weight
105kg ~ 65kg .

Ken, my ex gfs alway say how fat i am and how hot other guys can be. Does that means they don't love me truly??
Sometime we tease or say things out unintentional. We still love our partners. Ultimately we want to be comfortable with our partners, sharing everything including our flaws but we still accepting each other.

Felicia, please don't be too over sensitive. I used to date a girl who was overweight. Honestly, it has never came across my mind to be with her. Haha.
She was my classmate for a long time, i realized she was always the one be there for me. She helped me with my studies, encouraged me and passed me her hand written notes when exams was around. Pardon me, back then i was young and quite good looking. Many girls have a crash on me. I choose my gf over all the rest of the pretty girls. Because i know i can be myself when i was with my gf, i know she cares for me compared to the rest of them.

Today, I have no regrets. We dated for 5 years but unfortunately it did not work out well because she was looking to settle down and I was not ready. (I was only 20ish and i do not have a career back then.) fyi, during that 5yrs, she also slim down abit. (over 10kg), not because she feel stress, but she want to look good on herself too. And honestly, it not a "must" for me, but to me its a bonus. hehe :p
 

Tangerine777

New Member
I think, he is just using the appearance as an excuse.
True love sees beyond appearance.

If i were you, i would dump him. He might even already have a change of heart.

For your weight issue, ever consider hypnotherapy or better still, past life regression?

If you have time, do read up on Dr Brian Weiss books.
You could get them at a cheaper price from bookdepository.

Best of luck
 

life_is

Active Member
Love goes beyond how a woman looks. It is the inside that counts much more than looks. I tell that to every woman I date, because that is true. Nothing lasts longer than a person's values and character.

Sex isn't everything in a relationship. However, it happens when people are in love. If he cannot do it with you, maybe you need to think twice about the future, about whether you can live for a lifetime like this.
 

wluyan

Member
you need to regain your self esteem, dear. most men are never satisfied. they can marry a goddess but still have affairs with ugly ones. anyway, we women should live for ourselves its the 20th century. you should want to look good and slim for your self confidence and health issue. beauty doesnt last forever, women gain weight when they got pregnant and after marriage love changed.. and in a relationship and marriage , what is left when weight became the main issue? are you prepared to walk through the rest of your life like this?
 

sassynsweet

New Member
Next, how is your diet, for any weight lost program, your diet is the key. However, it doesn't mean starving yourself. Instead, it is being discipline to choose the right foods. You can eat alot of the right foods without over-eating.

agree a lot. its diet.
cut away all SUGAR from your diet. the easiest way is to drink no-sugar drinks. that means no soda, and not even those low sugar drinks....
no asian teas (lemon tea, green tea, asian drinks) typically contain lots of sugars.

i drink oolong canned drink that has 0 sugar. or plain water most of the time (save money too!)

and cut down on sugary food such as desserts and stuff.... 1 step at a time...
i find sugar the biggest villain to my weight gains
 

sassynsweet

New Member
maybe u just take 1 step at a time now..... slowly recuperate ur health and figures back first.
stay healthy.... i think he loves u, just that the sexual attraction not there currently.
recover health first! :D
 

waltergabri

New Member
compatibility issue, there is no match of desires and no parellel understanding .. for this you have to understand and match your energy with your partner !
 

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