Don't know what I'm thinking, please advise.

[elmokitty]

Hi all,

I'm 24 this year married for 5 years and have a 5 year old child. As can tell, it's a shotgun marriage and we were only together for barely 6 months when i know I'm pregnant.

My hb is 13 years my senior, overall treats me very well, in the sense that he will give in to me most of the time and whatever I want, he will try his best to do it or buy for me. He does dotes on me and put me in the first place.

After these 5 years, I recognised that he has a lying problem. He lies time and time again. I forgive him again and again till I reached a point I don't know how to trust him (this is not about infidelity ). I felt that he lied about most of his life, I didn't know the real him. Other than lying to me, he also lie to my family. Not those lying to hide a certain fact, more of fabricating stories to lie.

In addition to this, he has changed many jobs throughout these years and barely have any savings.

So it reached a point where I stopped believing him. I stopped caring about him, whatever he did, I didn't care, I didn't respond, I didn't talk to him. Yes it was bad, but to me, I really just didn't care. And I thought I didn't love him due to all the lies he said and there was another guy showing interest in me. Though I didn't reciprocate, but it did kinda clouded my feelings when I subconsciously compared the both of them.

So last month, I told him I wanted a divorce and because I was afraid I couldn't do it, a good friend was with me during the conversation. Now I thought back it was really a bad idea cos I disregard his feelings. He, in the other hand, was too calm and agreed. He even did something that I never expected him to do. So that day he left my house (we are staying at my parent's place) at my request.

For one week, I was okay but after when it all starts to sink in, I feel very upset and miss him alot. Which I do find myself stupid because after all I was the one who initiate it. I find myself unable to differentiate if I miss/love him or just used to him around.

He, after two weeks, had tried to ask me to see a marriage counsellor to see if we can work things out but I didn't agree. He didn't understand I wanted out as I can't trust him due to his many lies and does not seem to be repentant. Recently he still blamed on me saying that I hurt him badly that day. I do agree that I had hurt him but throughout these years, his lies had repeatedly hurt me over and over again. We had talked about his lies before and he promised not to lie again but then he still continue.

Sometimes I ever thought of going back to him just to minimise the hurt I'm feeling now but I do know it's useless cos I don't think he is repentant regarding his lying problem.

I'm posting this to see if there is any other alternative views that I may not thought of and I need some objective views as my family and friends may be subjective.

Can someone who repeatedly lies stop his lying behaviour?

Thank you.

 

[rainbowrainbow]

Hi Elmo my hubby too had this habit of lying. I have lost all trust in him. Just found out yesterday that he had been hiding something away from me for years. I am totally disgusted by his behavior and felt disappointed to the maximum. I am at a loss to what should I do. Like you, I have absolutely no interest to care about him from now on. Just seeing him puts me off.

 

[miloice]

this is deep rooted in his personality. You have to be frank about the issue with him. It will not be possible for you guys to work on the marriage when he is not even knowing what is bothering his partner.

 

[elmokitty]

Hi Rainbow, how does he lie? Is it like by omission of fact or? Mine will spin off stories. Sometimes I also don't understand why. Why lie when eventually the truth will be out.

Did you manage to speak to him?


Hi Milo,

I tried talking to him each time I discovered a lie. He never once confessed to lying himself. It was only after lengthy period of asking or when he knew he can't hide the truth anymore then he confessed. I told him before how these lies are hurting me. Told him nicely before, told him harshly before. He would always said he's wrong and promise to stop lying. But then new lies will be discovered. He seems to always have a 'good' reason for lying.

Really don't know what to do and how to trust anymore.

 

[miloice]

Hi Rainbow, how does he lie? Is it like by omission of fact or? Mine will spin off stories. Sometimes I also don't understand why. Why lie when eventually the truth will be out.

Did you manage to speak to him?


Hi Milo,

I tried talking to him each time I discovered a lie. He never once confessed to lying himself. It was only after lengthy period of asking or when he knew he can't hide the truth anymore then he confessed. I told him before how these lies are hurting me. Told him nicely before, told him harshly before. He would always said he's wrong and promise to stop lying. But then new lies will be discovered. He seems to always have a 'good' reason for lying.

Really don't know what to do and how to trust anymore.

what is there to trust when he hasn't show any commitment to the change? The ball is on his court to convince and regain your trust.

 

[buddhabar]

Lying is a sickness. it's a compulsory behaviour and it requires treatment.
liar can't stop lying nor are they able to
comprehend their habit. It could be even be a early childhood problem. unless he seeks medical treatment, it's unlikely he can stop this habit. you should encourage him to seek help and let him fully understand the hurt that is inflicted upon you as a result of his habit. If he loves you enough, he will help himself to help you.

 

[imcoffeelover]

how about see a counsellor and bring up this issue when you both are with the counsellor? Seeking professional help is essential for your case i feel.

 

[elmokitty]

I have mentioned to him few times over the years that he should probably see a counsellor because sometimes I do think there might be a habitual lying issue with him. But he either brush it off or says he has no money for it.

Recently he did say he will try to get social worker to refer him to a counsellor so it will be cheaper. After that, there was no news from him so I asked him again. He told me in a defensive manner he will go get counsellor but why must i make it seem he has a mental problem. Thus this makes me feel as if he does not really think his lying is a big issue?

He always seems to have a 'valid' reason for all his lies. I told him if you want me to believe you will change you need to prove to me. But he always say he doesn't know how to prove.

I'm not sure if a person like him can really change or not. And how can one tell if he can change for good or just temporarily.

 

[miloice]

no money for it, marriage is not priority to maintain? Frankly, why are you accepting his reasons. He can give you all the reasons, what is your own stand?

 

[Jehvy]

I have mentioned to him few times over the years that he should probably see a counsellor because sometimes I do think there might be a habitual lying issue with him. But he either brush it off or says he has no money for it.

Recently he did say he will try to get social worker to refer him to a counsellor so it will be cheaper. After that, there was no news from him so I asked him again. He told me in a defensive manner he will go get counsellor but why must i make it seem he has a mental problem. Thus this makes me feel as if he does not really think his lying is a big issue?

He always seems to have a 'valid' reason for all his lies. I told him if you want me to believe you will change you need to prove to me. But he always say he doesn't know how to prove.

I'm not sure if a person like him can really change or not. And how can one tell if he can change for good or just temporarily.

I don’t know if he really doesn’t think that lying is a big issue or he is still in denial. I mean no one wants to be diagnosed with an “illness” and get treated for it. People tend to prefer to believe that ignorance is a bliss. Moreover, there is always stigmatization against people that have any form of mental illness or compulsive behaviors. Perhaps he has fears to be labeled too. Why don’t you take the initiative to look for a counselor for him instead of waiting for him to do so because he will just procrastinate?

Honestly, no one can tell if another person will or can change his habit, what can push us to stay on with a person like him is to trust that he can. If you cannot even trust that he can make that change in the near future, I think it is about time you should really think about leaving him. Short pain is better than a long one with hope that he will change for the better. If he doesn’t you will just continue wasting your years of youth and time on him and it will be very draining and tiring for you.

Marriage that provides us support, companionship and motivation to become a better person is something that we should cherish because it makes us feel blessed and happy. If we had tried really hard to do that and that outcome is impossible. Sometimes, we have to learn to let go and seek for our inner peace and happiness. Setbacks, pain and hurt are part of time, we have to learn to deal with it and get stronger for ourselves and people that we cherish and loved us.

 

[elmokitty]

no money for it, marriage is not priority to maintain? Frankly, why are you accepting his reasons. He can give you all the reasons, what is your own stand?

Why am I accepting his reasons.. I am not sure.

This sounds stupid, honestly sometimes I know he's lying but I still make myself give him the benefit of doubt. Somehow he is able to make his reasons for lying sooo justifiable, and he always can make me feel bad somehow.. Sigh.

 

[elmokitty]

I don’t know if he really doesn’t think that lying is a big issue or he is still in denial. I mean no one wants to be diagnosed with an “illness” and get treated for it. People tend to prefer to believe that ignorance is a bliss. Moreover, there is always stigmatization against people that have any form of mental illness or compulsive behaviors. Perhaps he has fears to be labeled too. Why don’t you take the initiative to look for a counselor for him instead of waiting for him to do so because he will just procrastinate?

Honestly, no one can tell if another person will or can change his habit, what can push us to stay on with a person like him is to trust that he can. If you cannot even trust that he can make that change in the near future, I think it is about time you should really think about leaving him. Short pain is better than a long one with hope that he will change for the better. If he doesn’t you will just continue wasting your years of youth and time on him and it will be very draining and tiring for you.

Marriage that provides us support, companionship and motivation to become a better person is something that we should cherish because it makes us feel blessed and happy. If we had tried really hard to do that and that outcome is impossible. Sometimes, we have to learn to let go and seek for our inner peace and happiness. Setbacks, pain and hurt are part of time, we have to learn to deal with it and get stronger for ourselves and people that we cherish and loved us.

I had thought of leaving him, hence told him I wanted to get a divorce. But after he moved out, I feel so miserable that I feel like going back to him. Sometimes, I really wish I have the strength to leave him, to move on and not look back. I'm tired of constantly doubting everything he says. Yet I can't let go of him yet.

 

[elmokitty]

I am supposed to go for the signing of lease of the HDB flat early this coming week. Don't know what to do.. the loan amount is not enough but he still keep insisting we can afford when he has not much savings himself.

 

[flyersummer]

A compulsive liar is someone who lies with ease and finds comfort in it. The person may even continue to lie when presented with the truth in cold, hard facts. Getting a compulsive liar to admit he or she lied can be nearly impossible.


Lying as a Symptom of a Disorder
Compulsive lying disorder is not actually a documented psychiatric disorder. Instead, it's a term used to describe what may be a symptom of another psychiatric disorder such as borderline personality disorder, narcissism or bipolar disorder. Not all people who are compulsive liars suffer from a psychiatric illness, but there is usually an underlying reason for the behavior. People with psychiatric disorders lie for a variety of reasons.

Admiration and Popularity
The person wants reward or acclaim for something he or she did not do. He or she craves attention and esteem from others to combat feelings of inadequacy. They may also seek attention by pretending to be victims of crimes or creating other dramatic situations that didn't really happen.

Control and Manipulation
People will sometimes lie because they want something they wouldn't be able to get otherwise. The lying continues because the person craves the attention and thrill of getting away with it or in an attempt to manipulate the victim of the lies even further. Sometimes, they use "gas lighting," a technique where they convince others that their realities are incorrect and only the liar knows what "really happened."

Low Self Esteem
People who feel down on themselves and want to look better in the eyes of the people around them will often make up stories about themselves. The goal here is to gain sympathy or empathy. Perhaps they fear people will reject them if they think they have any bad qualities, so they exaggerate good ones.


Disguising Failure
The person wants to avoid getting in trouble or make other people feel responsible for something he or she has done. This can be a severe problem in the workplace.

The Difference Between Pathological and Compulsive Liar
Many people get these two confused because they are similar. A pathological liar, also known as a sociopath, is quite different from a compulsive liar. The pathological liar will lie for absolutely no reason, and do so very convincingly. Toften lie just to see if they can trick people. These people are great at lying in all circumstances because they completely lack empathy for others.

How to Deal
Because compulsive liars usually have an underlying psychiatric disorder or addiction, treatment starts with the disorder or addiction in hopes that with stabilization, the lying will decrease or stop altogether.
Medication

Any medication prescribed depends on the disorder, but usually includes antidepressants or antipsychotics. Cognitive behavioral therapy (the process of changing your thoughts to change your behavior) is one of the most effective forms of therapy for many psychiatric disorders, addictions and their symptoms, including compulsive lying.

Treatment
Treatment success depends on how willing the sufferer is to seek help. Taking medication can be easy, but psychotherapy takes work. The person must be an active participant and follow through with the entire treatment plan. The problem with compulsive liars is that they have a difficult time telling the truth in therapy, and this can be detrimental to reaching treatment plan goals. Experienced therapists are able to tell when people are not telling the truth, and they are able to help them realize what they have been doing and how it has affected their life.

Finding Treatment for Yourself or a Friend
If you find yourself lying more often than not, or feel unable to stop lying, seek out professional help. Contact your physician who will most likely give you a referral for a psychiatric evaluation by a psychiatrist or psychologist. You can also contact your local mental health center for information on resources in your area including counselors and support groups.

Confronting someone about a lying problem is challenging. The person will most likely become defensive and resist treatment. The more you push the issue, the more the person may resist. The only thing you can do is voice your concern and offer help. Spending time with a liar can be frustrating and exhausting, so if the person does not want to seek help, you will need to decide if it's worth your energy to remain supportive.

 

[lonely_desire78]

TS,

Everyone is right and also wrong at the same time. Sounds funny? In a relationship, there are no real rights or wrongs. End of the day, what does your heart desire? Put the right and wrong out of the window.

Everyone would have a different view on what constitutes right and wrong. But, only you know what you are longing for. Have a cooling down period and assess what makes sense to you. Never be too hasty to make a decision, especially since u have a kid to take care of.

 

[buddhabar]

TS, I know this will not go down well with some people here but you should consider further than a few months or even a few years of agony from a divorce. It's for the long term future. Many couples who claimed they stay in a marriage for their kids do not know they may be doing more damage to them. The kids may have psychological issue later on. Some may perceive fighting and quarrelling as normal. In this case, the child may grow up thinking it's normal to lie since daddy does it to mommy. If your child takes after your husband's trait of lying, you may end up living with 2 liars.

You must take care and protect yourself so that you can take care and protect your child.

 

[elmokitty]

Lonely, Till now actually I don't know what I really want yet. So should really give myself a cool off period. He said he will try to seek help, so just waiting to see if he will really do so or not.

Actually, Buddhabar, you raised a very important concern to me. I am indeed afraid my kid will take after her father. Till date, she had mentioned that her friend in school had hit her, but after seeking clarification with the teachers, it was found to be untrue. It happened a few times already. Sometimes I just hope she is just being mischievous as age 4 to 5 is quite naughty. But can't help being worried that she might follow her dad's footsteps.

 

[miloice]

Your emotions will always be like waves. This is how emotions are. There are ups and downs. One moment you feel so strong that you want to leave, the next, you miss him and wants back. You will be forever in a vicious cycle. Take steps back and REFLECT. Are you HAPPY? Can you be HAPPY in this relationship? This is the key question.

Your decision lies in how badly you NEED and WANT happiness. You live only once. Stop lying to yourself and search for the answer within. No one can make decisions for you. IT IS YOUR LIFE.

 

[buddhabar]

Your emotions will always be like waves. This is how emotions are. There are ups and downs. One moment you feel so strong that you want to leave, the next, you miss him and wants back. You will be forever in a vicious cycle. Take steps back and REFLECT. Are you HAPPY? Can you be HAPPY in this relationship? This is the key question.

Your decision lies in how badly you NEED and WANT happiness. You live only once. Stop lying to yourself and search for the answer within. No one can make decisions for you. IT IS YOUR LIFE.

I personally went thru this cycle for 10 years.
In the end, one will be completely drained and exhausted.
Miloice is absolutely right on this. There's no need to go
thru the endless vicious cycle before you gets an affirmation.

Why nobody told me this 10 years ago?

 

[miloice]

I personally went thru this cycle for 10 years.
In the end, one will be completely drained and exhausted.
Miloice is absolutely right on this. There's no need to go
thru the endless vicious cycle before you gets an affirmation.

Why nobody told me this 10 years ago?

10 years ago, this forum was already active. There were more blunt comments then. If you had posted in here, for sure someone would have highlighted to you.

 

[elmokitty]

I know I will not be happy in this relationship if this continues. But I don't feel happier after trying to leave. I know the right thing to do is to leave yet there's something holding me back. I'm not sure what is it too. Sigh this is confusing

 

[miloice]

there is no right thing to do. You live just once. It is not confusing. It just that we are not willing to accept reality. It will take time, some take longer than others.

 

[buddhabar]

I know I will not be happy in this relationship if this continues. But I don't feel happier after trying to leave. I know the right thing to do is to leave yet there's something holding me back. I'm not sure what is it too. Sigh this is confusing

 

[buddhabar]

I know I will not be happy in this relationship if this continues. But I don't feel happier after trying to leave. I know the right thing to do is to leave yet there's something holding me back. I'm not sure what is it too. Sigh this is confusing

it's only human nature to resist change. Everybody just wants everything to remain in their comfort zone. who move my cheese! its the same analogy in a different perspective.

 

[elmokitty]

How does one know when it's time to accept reality, let go and move on?

 

[miloice]

The day you absolutely do not want to go back to the cycle ever again, when it is too painful and tiring. When it is better to risk uncertainty, when you know this is the worst situation to be in. That is when you will not be asking this question.