need help n advice directions

S

snowchilli

New Member
I m with my bf for 3 yrs. We are planning to get married next yr. But all initial planning are done by me. Recently he knew a gal who is his. Colleagues cousin and happen to b someone I knew. Throughout our trip he keep a accompanying the gal and trying yo keep me away. After back fr the trip , that gal ask me out for dinner. Little did I know, its my bf got her to ask me out. The whole dinner felt weird to me. The next day. I saw my bf SMS her that he liked her n get her to admit via versus. He did mention that if I knew he SMS her. I would kick him out of the house and she has to keep him in. She agreed. I found out. We had a big quarrel. After I slapped for quarreling with me. He admit his mistake. Said that slap woke him up.

I'm in a loss to continue or really let go. His nature is playful. But I find this too much. His excuse was this gal jus broke off and he wana cheer her up. But the fact, this gal broke 6 months back. What there so sad for now. I'm in total loss. I dun wish to waste my time on him. But 3 yrs is not that short.

Kindly advise.
 


Hi snowchilli,

So sorry about what happened with you and your bf. Think about it. Isn't it a waste if you end up wasting your forever for that one person who manifested a cheating tendency while you're still not married?
 
After reading what you wrote, it seems like he wasn't that into you or he doesn't really love you. Lastly, he doesn't really want to marry you. Coz you said you are the one who is making the move and doing all the planning.

And think about it, how can he spend time with the girl while go out together with your around ? What kind of boyfriend is he? And more importantly, WHAT KIND OF GUY IS HE? Can go flirting with another girl in front of the girlfriend? Now he can this, you can only expect him to do things worse than this.

And the most important underlying reason is this: HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. OR HE DOESN'T LOVE ENOUGH.
May be now he just happy having you as a girlfriend. Someone to keep company, someone to fxxk. At no cost. Why not?

And what do you mean that you will kick him out of the house? Does that mean he is staying in your house? He is living off you?
That will be added reason why this relationship won't work.

And well, I think he has already betrayed you. Do u believe? I think he has already fxxk the gal and now is the time to sweet talk to you back. I just have to say if he is the guy that tends to stray, he will continue to stray and always will to so, even after both of you have married. Remember, most straying guys go around and fxxk other girls when their wives are pregnant. So, be prepared that he will do so in the future.

Snowchilli, how old are you now? You have already wasted 3 years with this year. Better wake up now, think carefully make a good decision. Leave him when it is still early. Don't continue to waste your youth and money on someone that doesn't deserve it. He's not worth that.
 
love is blind, bet no matter how many friends you sough help from, girls are just girls no matter wad just wanna carry on with the shit life and being tortured
 
I m still thinking about it. He had stopped smoking wanting to prove his sincerity.

Sadman2009. He hasn't f*** that gal. Cos everything has been stopped by me. They haven't been contacting since I saw those SMS.
 
Snowchilli, a guy quitting smoking is not just for you. There are other compelling reasons for a person to quit smoking. 'Because of you' is just one of the reasons. So that has nothing to do with his sincerity. And I don't see the logic. Flirting with girls and now to show his sincerity he quit smoking? These two things have no link. Can tell you have not much logic in your reasoning. And therefore, easily fooled by your bf. (Sorry for the frankness.)

And coming, 'nothing has happened because everything has been stopped by you'... Are you so sure that it has really been stopped. Are you god to know that he has stopped msging her ? May be he is just smarter now to hide from you.
And even if it has been stopped by you ( which I don't really like the idea.) what about the other hundreds of times that are not being stopped by you? Can you always be there to check on him? Does it ever make sense to do that?

Well, having said all these, it is also true that he will change and not go around flirting with other girls. For that, you will have to know what kind of person is he? I guess after 3 years of r/s you should know. And more importantly, you should know he really loves you or not? Or does he love you enough? Is he the guy for you? Imagine yourself and him in your marriage life. Can you see happiness in it?

Lastly, my advice is if he can't give you happiness then don't further waste your remaining youth.
 
snowchilli said:
I m still thinking about it. He had stopped smoking wanting to prove his sincerity.

Sadman2009. He hasn't f*** that gal. Cos everything has been stopped by me. They haven't been contacting since I saw those SMS.
Click to expand...

Speaking from personal experience, just have a clean break and move one.

Deep down inside you should know what you should do.

No matter what anyone may say the final decision lies with you by the way a man's words and actions are everything, stop finding excuses to justify his behaviour.

PS: 3 years isn't long, It could be worse.
 
I heard this story before, one very good experiences from my friend, ex was playful, but she thg she can change him, or he would change for what we call "family committment" but this never happen, after married he start going astray again. And my friend still thg if they have a kid, he would at least be more committed.

Wrong again. a leopard will not change its spots, she is now a single mum, end up divorce as well, what she told me is, she said she regretted her choice in believeing something that she long know not happening, She always told me that, if she chose to leave that day, her life will be so much better now.

Going thru breakup of 3 yrs is not hard, but going thru a broken marriage will leave u to nowhere but more painful than u expected it can be.

I been thru a 10yrs breakup, but its not as painful as a broken marriage I faced.

I suppose you already know the answer, but holding on to a pinch of hope.

Believe what u believe, trust urself. Be brave to walk out, picture urself 5yrs down the road. U know what we all mean.
 
TS sounds young.. All the signs are there, don't allow yourself to get blindsided by his sweet talk. I used to blindly believe that my suspicions about my then bf were just me being paranoid because everytime I suspected and confronted him, he'd accuse me of being paranoid. Thinking I should be more trusting and not give up on love (because the bf before him was another cheater), I chose to tell myself to trust and not doubt him. Turns out the guy cheated on me not with one girl, but with two! He was dating all 3 of us concurrently. Power be to him, lol.

What I mean to say is, at the end of the day trust your instincts. If you are already starting to worry before marriage, you are just setting yourself up for more heartache and headaches if and when you ever get married. How do you think you can ever trust him again? Sadly, I find it hard to believe in second chances. Because once trust is broken, you will find yourself doubting his every move, and that is just tiring.

Open your eyes bigger and see if he really is being truthful to you.
 
Your thought process reflects how very guillible you are

Quit smoking to prove sincerity....
He hasn't slept with her just because you stopped it.

Yah right, if a person wants to cheat, he/she will find a way. Time to wake up before you get hurt further.

snowchilli said:
I m still thinking about it. He had stopped smoking wanting to prove his sincerity.

Sadman2009. He hasn't f*** that gal. Cos everything has been stopped by me. They haven't been contacting since I saw those SMS.
Click to expand...
 
There is one thing which is very hard to change in a person. That is the character. Chinese saying goes like you can shift the mountain but not change the character of a person. Its a saying which has been so true about many people. Marry someone for what he is, rather than marrying with hopes of changes. Look at it from another angle that there is no point in superficial changes when there are character traits which you do not agree with.

Like my SO and me, we cant see eye to eye over many things. Starting from work to personal life to perspectives of life, everything also not congruent in any way at all. Being together is painful.... Really. And turning away is no simple solution. The unfortunate reality then is we become strangers sharing the same bed but not the same dreams....

Its really tiring and thankfully no kids. At times, i feel so defeated that i want a way out rather than pretending that its ok. She wants to hold on for the sake of "face"

To ts, thats my predicament now and what you are facing is not going to be far from mine. Do you want to face reality now and make the hard decision today or make a harder decision tomorrow? Its not an easy decision. Either way, it will be painful. Facing someone and pretending that things are ok isnt living life. Its living hell. :(
 
Honesty snowchilli, if you try it out again with him, there's always a black spot on your mind you can't totally let go...that he once hurt your feelings n betrayed you. So, be honest with yourself and once you know yourself, you know whether to try out or ...move on. God bless.
 
lonely_desire78 said:
There is one thing which is very hard to change in a person. That is the character. Chinese saying goes like you can shift the mountain but not change the character of a person. Its a saying which has been so true about many people. Marry someone for what he is, rather than marrying with hopes of changes. Look at it from another angle that there is no point in superficial changes when there are character traits which you do not agree with.

Like my SO and me, we cant see eye to eye over many things. Starting from work to personal life to perspectives of life, everything also not congruent in any way at all. Being together is painful.... Really. And turning away is no simple solution. The unfortunate reality then is we become strangers sharing the same bed but not the same dreams....

Its really tiring and thankfully no kids. At times, i feel so defeated that i want a way out rather than pretending that its ok. She wants to hold on for the sake of "face"

To ts, thats my predicament now and what you are facing is not going to be far from mine. Do you want to face reality now and make the hard decision today or make a harder decision tomorrow? Its not an easy decision. Either way, it will be painful. Facing someone and pretending that things are ok isnt living life. Its living hell. :(
Click to expand...

Do you mind sharing a little more abt the difference in perspective abt work or life values etc?

I am afraid that things may turn out the same for me and my SO. We do have some differences in our perspectives of things. Its hard for me to draw a clear line on how different is different. And when does it become unhealthy.

Meanwhile, if there is a way, hope you could meant things up with your SO. There must have been something in her that attracted u from the very beginning. Wish you all the best.
 
My fiance once said "A man will not bother to look for other woman if he is happy in his current relationship."
Its tiring to keep watching over a man to prevent him from straying. Clearly, there is no more trust in him.
 
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