WTB pre-wedding jitters

[soulsearching]

Hi, seeking opinions on how to overcome pre-wedding jitters.

i just came back from overseas after a 7 weeks deployment. everything was going alright. our photoshoot done and everything is in place. Recently just got back and my WTB seems to be in a moody mode. upon probing her further, she is thinking to postpone our AD banquet in coming Dec.

the reason she gave is due to financial constraints she will forsee in the near future to come for the both of us. i assured her i will do the very best to make things work out for the both of us after marriage. but nothing seems to get into her head. We had 2 days of heart to heart talk, but nothing seems to change her mind about postponing this AD event. she said to me, to postpone dis AD, so that we can attend pre-wedding seminar(s) to help the both of us in understanding what's life after marriage. so that we are prepared to face any difficulties in due time to come after marriage. i had a good talk to 1 of our common friend, he helped me to relay the message to her. initially she agreed to not postpone but in a matter of time, she seems to change her opinion on carrying on with the AD.

right now, she advice me to ask my side to stop all the invitations and give her some time to think it through. She will let me know the answer in due time to come.

im feeling depressed and at lost of what i am going to do.

i'm sure there is no 3rd party involved.

is there any kind soul who can help us to overcome this problem?

 

[green_tranquility]

Donkey,
Can you share more details about her financial worries?

 

[soulsearching]

seriously i duno what got her to tink about all dis. her replied to my ans is that when im away for 7 weeks, she tend to tink and therefore all dis problems arises.

currently im in stage 1 of my contract in the civil side. her worry is that if i do not secure a 2nd contract, we will tend to suffer then. the problems will aggravate when we have kids or house. she and mi have a combined take home salary of 4k. after offsetting everything for our allowances, wedding prep $ (for now) and all da nitty gritty stuffs, right now we are just barely enough to manage. meaning to say that we dun have more spare cash to do what we want. she said she wants to avoid all this from happening after marriage. i explained to her that some of the $$ now is offsetting for the wedding, after the wedding we will have spare cash for us to splurge on as we dun have the worry of saving for the wedding stuffs.

she also say that she need a man to lead her life not the other way round and she dun see me able to lead her soon after marriage. she also said that i do not have planning for the future incase of rainy days. and also feel that im not ready to get married after so many problems arises.

 

[green_tranquility]

Donkey,
In summary, she doesn't feel secured about your financial stability. I understand that it's devastating for you to hear such words suddenly from her. I think the only thing you can do now is to talk to her. A marriage cannot be forced. If she insists on postponing the wedding, I think you should grant her the wish. Postponing is still better than calling the wedding off right?

 

[soulsearching]

Thanks green.

in my point of view, talking about financial stability, how much will it change if she decided to postpone for 6 mth like what she told me?

by pushing back 6mth, deposit for banquet and other stuffs will be forfeited. Doesn't this create more financial woes for the both of us if 6 mth later we finally intend to get married? as i mentioned before, by postponing for 6 mth, she said that we can get ready for marriage by attending pre-wedding seminars, but im thinking that why is it not possible to go for the seminars even after the wedding?

but after all.. like u said, a marriage cant be force. if eventually, she is deciding on postponing the wedding after sorting out her thoughts, i will also respect her decision to postpone the wedding.

but if we decided to postpone.. i would like her to stand by me together to face the catastrophic backlash from my parents at the immediate juncture.

right now, im preparing for the worst. i'm also at a loss of words on how shld i put dis issue up to my parents in the event that we really postpone. if i postpone, i will definitely disappoint my parents and relatives. but if i don't, my WTB will be getting married for the sake of getting married.

I'm really at a loss..

 

[green_tranquility]

Donkey,
"by pushing back 6mth, deposit for banquet and other stuffs will be forfeited. Doesn't this create more financial woes for the both of us if 6 mth later we finally intend to get married?"
-- You can negotiate with your vendors to postpone the wedding date at no cost. Your relatives probably won't make much noise. It will be your parents questioning you about the reasons of the postponement. If you are unable to cope this kind of stress from your parents, are you sure that you can take up bigger and more stress after marriage (e.g. house, kids)?

"by postponing for 6 mth, she said that we can get ready for marriage by attending pre-wedding seminars, but im thinking that why is it not possible to go for the seminars even after the wedding?"
-- Once the ROM paper is signed, it takes 4 years to dissolve a marriage. Your WTB wants you to prove her first that you are capable of supporting her financially and emotionally before she signs on the paper. Your WTB is thinking of the long-term for both of you.

" if i postpone, i will definitely disappoint my parents and relatives. but if i don't, my WTB will be getting married for the sake of getting married.

I am at a loss"
-- What loss are you talking about? You have only 1 route in front of you now, that is to postpone the wedding. You cannot get married without your WTB's consent. Remember, your WTB also have to handle the questioning from her parents and relatives. It isn't an easy decision for her too.

It's not wise to aggravate her by pressurising her to go ahead with the wedding. She can throw the ultimate bomb of calling off the whole wedding It's better to give her the time and space to consider about the wedding.

 

[green_tranquility]

Btw I'm getting married in coming Jan. I understand the tremendous stress you're going through.

 

[sleepycat_2]

There still might be some time to attend a marriage prep class. Or at least speak to a family counselor at the family service centres

 

[soulsearching]

Yes Green, i totally see the picture now and i agree with you. thanks!

I've also just called up family service centre to see what i can do to help the both of us in this situation. They suggest us to take a day leave to attend a counselling session. Be it what happen, at least we will see a better picture for the both of us and then we will make a decision together whether to postpone it or carry on with it.