Wicked friends

sm, my concern was over her conclusion that violence was the intolerable thing that damaged the marriage beyond repair. When it was really a reason she needed to end it actually. The marriage was already that broken. She was holding on not for love or anything.

It is not to encourage to savage her marriage but how she would see her next relationship.
 


yoz May

for the record, i'm not extending sympathies because i know that you don't need that or any kind of approval for yourself. whether it's for responding in kind to curiousity or for help - it's plain obvious for all to see.

but it is precisely abt the immediate judgement by some forumers who are dead-set on equating 'ill-exposed May' to 'more-exposed May' without finding the need to explore certain crucial factors along the way...

what's even more baffling for me, is seemingly the passing of a death sentence on someone who admittedly might have made a mistake to marry for security - just to get away from domestic troubles, that it is pretty clear for me liao.

so what's the freaking deal with seeking for a (better) life away from a self-indulgent partner? and also, where's the shock factor for protecting oneself from further violence?

whatever the final catalyst was, what matters most is that it all ends for betterment to both parties, isn't it?
 
kenturik

why not tell yourself that instead - as u did absolutely nothing to validate your point?

moron....
 
vios...

How each pick the lessons and conclusion is going to make a lot of difference in their future relationships as well.

That's really my concern. May have intentionally or subconsciously made "violence" the scapegoat. Although some have voiced out that she hasn't blame her husband, in fact she did. Through shifting all the point to the violence as the reason why the marriage is beyond help.

Kent & vios, calm down lah.
 
milo

to be honest, i'm not worrying abt that because i'm pretty sure that she would pick up the lessons learnt but of course, i can understand where you're coming from - in regards to scapegoat-ing the violence.

i just see it as the final nail to the coffin.. as there were other such nails already.
 
Vios, we all know its the final nail to the coffin.
happy.gif


But, that's really the key difference in our pov here. I see her lessons pretty individualistic.... in a way all about herself. She might be biz mind and capable, but that's not what keep a relationship.
 
yah, its a wake up call. The trig point, catalyst is not the reason for the divorce. Big difference there. Just has how many strongly condemn and speak against infidelity. But, when they are really in it, it becomes a dilemma. Relationships isn't as straight forward. All the strong beliefs on their principles means nothing when they are really in that situation. The only difference is where the individual is seeing from.
 
good to leave leh... i would also leave... i think i'm one of the few here who seems to always give encouragement for pple to leave lousy marriages, if not lousy husbands...

it is the Now we live in, i think too many pple are into this "look back at those past memories" mode... it's so darn irritating i dun even know where to begin. how fcuking long can u live on past memories? your bloody life is ongoing and u're getting older by the minute! still got so much time to think back and watch tv serials...

if there's one thing this forum taught me, it's that local pple can be so uncreative, naive, and dumb when it comes to relationships... and they are dumb Together.

7/10 pple will suggest counselling, 7/10 will suggest looking back at past happy memmories and why they married, 7/10 will suggest holidays/getaways to rekindle...

must be fcuking kidding me... 8/10 are naive ladies who have so little exposure i'm not even sure if they know we have 2 casinos... prob married way too young and spend too much time in relationship matters than to realise LIFE is passing them by, and LIFE encompasses many many more aspects.

other than May's expectations of the frens, i dun see any need to dig up how she got to the current decisive state... at least she's a whole lot more decisive than those girls who are stuck with a crap environment til they are so fcuking old - they dun have anywhere else to go.
 
Powder, I don't see anyone asking her to stay in her marriage leh. More like 10/10 agrees its a gone marriage. Maybe for the exception of Scope ... as usual his pov is always so unclear.
 
i am stating some Food For Thought...

nothing to be confrontational abt in this thread other than with mr. LOL who is a complete ass...
 
To all regarding domestic Violence,


i guess none of the men in this thread has hit their girlfriend/ wife, since all of you here sound quite decent. if any men here in this thread has done so, pls share your experience.


For me, i do not speak for others, the Violence was not a straw that broke the camel's back. it is the Main Reason why i left. in my case, the Violence is a culmination of what my husband views me as now - a Shrew. he thinks that i am a conceited, selfish woman who does not understand him. my presence in his life directly undermines his male ego.


without the Violence, i would stay, patiently walk through the issues with him. through standing by him and contributing to the house, i will help him overcome the misperception that he has developed of me during this rough period.


now, with Violence, he has broken the trust that binds the relationship. this was the second time. the first time, i can forgive. but the second time, i will be a fool to forgive. i can treat all the previous empty promises as sunk cost. but i cannot condone my body to be defiled.


and to think that he had wanted this body he defiled by violence, to bear him a child? that is piling Insult upon Insult.


not to mention that i do not trust him now. at the back of his mind, even if he has apologised, there is always the thoughts "i hit her because she deserves it" and "so what i hit her in the heat of the moment". such thoughts is the root of evil and the justification for all heinous act. physically, i feel a sense of revulsion towards him, he has become abhorrent to me. i do not want to stand in his proximity because he is disgusting to me now.


Violence is something to be ashamed of, be it premeditated or 'provoked', just like how manslaughter is prosecuted along with murder.


i feel that spousal violence is less condemned than, say violence against ones parents? the general impression i get somehow is that in this society, people will tend to give more leeway to men who hit their wives, than for eg a son who hits his aged father. people tend to think of Reasons that Made the men do it - was the woman a shrew? did she in some way 'ask' for it? this is tantamount to the excusing of violence against woman, therein lies the heart of misogyny.


im not speaking on this issue as if i were soaking in self-pity as a traumatised victim or what. what i said above is just general chit-chat, coffee-shop talk only. im not saying this to fish for compassion, but just voicing my thoughts on an aspect of relationships
 
I think you guys are trying too much to analyze. Coming from a man, I can understand fully the impact of violence on a woman. I NEVER hit a woman and never will. The most I did in the most heated of heated moments when I lost my cool was to throw a piece of cake at my then gf (ex-wife.. And that, I was remorseful and promised that I will never throw anything - even soft things at her. I never did throw anything at her after that - for all of my marriage.

Violence, and I agree with May should not be condoned. Even when one is angry or drunk - it is still not excusable. Otherwise it can always be used as an excuse. So I would 100% support a woman to want to leave hb if hb hit her.

If a person cannot control and hit someone in the heat of the moment.. and I remembered what my mother told me.. what if you killed someone accidentally in the process while you cannot control yourself. You never know.. a punch, a slap and kick.. it can be fatal for all we know.
 
milo,

Trigger, catalyst.. root cause..

what is the difference? The end result is the same. Making it a root cause and not a trigger means the blame is on the man?

We are not even talking about blame here which is pointless to speak in her case.

All for that matter whether she DID blame her hb or not for the failure of the marriage? Does it matter?
 
Talk about violence.. There is another aspect.. I mean violence = physical abuse. But woman on the other hand are much better at mental abuse rather than physical abuse.

I am not saying that when a wife is mentally abusing her hb and the husband hits back it is justified.. It is just that the wife may not realize that mental abuse can be worst than physical abuse to a man.
 
But of all violence, I believe violence against children are the most tolerated. I mean, father hit children. Mother hit children.. And they always say it is for the good of the children.. I just think it is just abusive behaviour and in our traditional society, it may seem perfectly OK for parents to hit their children.
 
sm,

u didn't mention that it was a Piece from a
Frozen 15kg Cake... that's a weapon man!

i dun know how to hit a girl... so can't share on that...
 
for me, violence against wives, aged parents and even animals are cowardice acts...

scope said that it won't happened without reasons? well, it's still crap to resort to such.

against children, i only believe in the traditional caning but of course, to a certain extent.
 
scope is going against everything to get attention... u notice he can be on both sides depending on who he is disagreeing with...

violence is wrong, will always be.
 
Powder,

How much is your (everybody here) attention worth to me? This is no blog like what May suggested of blogger getting hits...

I am not here a blogger. So...

I can be on both sides... I am both the devil and the angel. LOL~

Vios,

Some women are meant to be beaten up...
...
...
...
...
...
Crap or not, they choose their own craps. Got it?

As long as it's not we who beat those stupid chicks, fine.

Let me be blunt here, chicks choose craps, even if you disapprove, they still choose craps. It's what they chose, it's what they will get.

What will your disapproval mean to them? Nothing.

You are still too young, Vios.
 
again displaying your stupidity... pple here are forummers, i'm not sure how many are bloggers.

and u're like the kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar with crumbs all over his mouth, who insist he's just admiring the cookies...

your intelligence is matched by your stupidity.
 
out of point. farking crap.

we're now talking abt our individual Tolerance level towards violence (of different kinds), and you're harping on the deserved Consequences of poor choices.

does your age allows you to discriminate me due to my age? pure farking crap.
 
Powder,

LOL~ What doesn't make sense, will never make sense... Grow up, Powder. Calling me stupid won't make you smarter if you don't make any sense.

Tell me, what in f^^^ would I need what attention for??? I don't even care about Hweebs' 'fabulous' ladies. LOL~ I don't care about avatars.

Say whatever you want. I have something very important to do now... I need a nap, then I am going for a massage. Enjoy your cookies~

LOL~ Funny people.
 
Vios,

LOL~ The pretty girl will do that later, I mean the kick. She is one of the best I've encountered.

Then I'd go for a buffet... I am not idling. I have so much entertainment to be busy with.

Ciao.
 
Powder,

Interestingly speaking, I don't need money to date women. Hmm... Women had wanted to pay me money to be their bf. LOL~

Of course, it's funny because I am not handsome.

As for intellect... Maybe a nap will help. ^.6
 
AB,

What you need is a roll of toilet papers... Goes well with the shit. LOL~

Really have to take a nap. You guys and gals enjoy your... lives.
 
well, it's pretty obvious that idlings leads to delusions, and actions only take place during the snooze...

but who to be blamed? just hard luck.
 
he can't even keep to a simple thing like signing off and going for his nap... serious lack of credibility.

so it's pretty obvious he's very bothered even tho he keep saying he isn't blah blah...
 
may, what sm said on July 02, 2010 - 1:52 pm summed up my pov.

Talk about violence.. There is another aspect.. I mean violence = physical abuse. But woman on the other hand are much better at mental abuse rather than physical abuse.

I am not saying that when a wife is mentally abusing her hb and the husband hits back it is justified.. It is just that the wife may not realize that mental abuse can be worst than physical abuse to a man.

sm, it makes a difference. not the breakup but what goes beyond that. When a person fails to see their own issues in the pov of her partner, the same issues could resurface again in future relationships.
 
Milo, i see your point. there were things i said during the marriage that hurt him deeply. there was once when i told him that if our situation continues, we will be sleeping under the bridge one day. he did not speak to me for two days afterwards. maybe this pattern of speech of mine is equivalent to mental and emotional abuse.

i told our counsellor about the incident, she says that i was always too blunt in my speech. i painted a nightmare scenario to him which is as good as threatening him. i dont make him feel good about himself, about me, about the situation, about life. i pull down his spirits by using negative examples to spur him. because my whole life, my mum has used this approach on me.

i have been watching videos on Youtube on Taiwanese girls, like Hou Pei Cun and Ling Zhiling. the difference between gentle girls with gracious speech and myself could not be more vast. i wish to have this kind of charisma too, to tone down and be more lovable to men.

from this little incident, you can tell how fragile he is, don't you. on one hand, i want to change myself, but on the other hand, he is too fragile and i want him to become stronger. in a relationship, when both sides are so pressured to change to accomodate each other, a lot of work is involved and can be very tiring.

so when does the work end? we should work in the relationship we choose, but how much work is too much work, and how long must we work?

so i think .... i should be less opinionated outwardly. be more subtle. i think i could be a more charming person. a message, delivered in a pleasing way, goes a long way compared to the same message delivered in a harsh way.

check out this link - i think if i talk like that with this kind of sweet tone and body language, my husband would have loved me very much. im serious, i dont mean it in a sarcastic or ironic way:

watch clip from 1:08min onwards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBoYy7hW73g
 
May,

u wrote :
i feel that spousal violence is less condemned than, say violence against ones parents? the general impression i get somehow is that in this society, people will tend to give more leeway to men who hit their wives, than for eg a son who hits his aged father. people tend to think of Reasons that Made the men do it - was the woman a shrew? did she in some way 'ask' for it? this is tantamount to the excusing of violence against woman, therein lies the heart of misogyny.

I don't agree that violence towards spouses are to be condoned at all. Violence of any kind other self defense should not be condoned. That is not the point I'm bringing across. No condoning doesn't mean the need to condemn and completely discredit the person.

I'm sharing with you as someone that came from a violent family. I fought with my brother since young, I slammed doors, threw things around, punched the wall with my fist, slammed my head on the wall. Both parents hit me the most from young. I was the most rebellious and often spoke against them. I had alot of anger in me. I was bullied in school and wanted revenge. My dad used a chopper to whacked open the bedroom door when she locked herself inside and continue scolding and insulting him from inside the room. I sharing with you also not for any basis for sympathy or anything. But, as someone that understand what's in the mind of someone violent. Anyone can get violent when their emotions goes unresolved over their threshold. My issues were the same as my dad's. We couldn't express our emotions and it can escalated really quickly when the unresolved anger and emotions within... I mumble and no one understand a word I said. I was often ridiculed by others. Only my sister understood my mumbling. I was a playful and noisy kid only at home. Outside, I was a really quiet boy.

The difference is I learnt to deal with my emotions. I opened up and became confident in dealing with my anger. But not so for my dad. He reacts angrily everytime and everyone in the family treats him like a villian. Being misunderstood made him even angrier till it blows up. And my mum is the direct worst case scenario wife for him. The kind of woman that has a total irresponsible tongue that whips uncontrollably. She can be totally unreasonable and completely emotional. Violence is only a result. We need to look behind for its underlying issues.

A violent person is someone the desperately needs help to deal with his/her anger management. We need to address the true causes of accumulating the strong emotions the build up to the violence itself. You need not be his boxing bag, and its completely justifiable to leave. But, I just want to you understand that he isn't a monster. There are real and human reasons for his violence.
 
Milo, then considering that you did not grow up to be like your dad, it is really a good thing. underneath every violent is a sensitive man .... well, sometimes .... oversensitive.

i agree that a fierce woman's tongue can whip up flames of fury. that is why i think i need to go to charm school, where professionals can teach me how to be more gracious and charismatic. i dont mean it ironically, i mean it seriously.

anyone here has got any recommendation on a social etiquette course from a good instructor?
 
may, in fact, seeing all the violence at home have given me in instinct to protect a woman. I can never bear to lay a finger on a woman. Even when my mum or sis and other people provoked me till a point till I couldn't take it, I vent it on things.

The person that I beat up was my dad. When it happened, there was remorse instantly. There was tears in his eyes. He left by telling me that I would one day understand why he did what he did. At that, I cried. Not because I understand him but the sudden realization and fear that I could be just like him. I could end up beating my wife.

Thankfully, it wasn't so. And I learnt to understand and loved him. I will never forget my father and how despite I hated and treated him badly, took him completely for granted but him always trying to reconnect with me. The last few yrs of his life, we were the closest. And the last time we met, I was glad that I told him I loved him. There was tears in his eyes when I said that. Little did I know, it would be the very last time I saw him alive. Though I have completely moved on, the thoughts of him still tear me. I really miss him.
 
then doll, where can i go to learn how to be more charming. i really want to increase my charm quotient. i dont want to be seen as a shrew
 
May, you don't need to attend a course. You need to learn to hold your tongue and watch your language and tone of speech.
 
May, my father has completely forgiven my mum. Not so for her though. Its hard. At his death, it really affected her. She was supposed to hate him. But, she wasn't at all happy, she was mourning over his death. He was the cheater, betrayer and villian that she so successfully got rid of.

At the wake, she wore red dress and pretended to be happily smiling and to laugh at his death. It was all so obvious in her body moments. I was so worried for her. Her mental stress has taken by yet another big blow as she had been depressed and not very normal ever since the death of her best friend of almost 50 yrs.

On the 7th day of his death, my mum called me and confided in me. She doesn't know if she should be at his funeral. I advised her to come to his wake one more time instead as the funeral would probably be too much to bear. This time, she came in black as a friend, cherishing their happy memories to send him off.

That day, she struck 4D 3rd prize with a number she was inspired by my dad's death. Throughout the wake, none of us knew his exact date and time of death. It was only after the funeral that I received an email from his friend in KL that he met him on the early morning before his death for supper and was supposed to meet for a seminar the next morning. He never did make it. His friend had thought my dad has returned to Sgp. It was then, that I realize my mum had visited him on the 7th day and coincidently won that 4D.... As if, it was his last gift for my mum. At that, my tears just couldn't stop.
 
May,

your Purpose is very impt. as to WHY u wanna improve whatever it is u wanna improve. it's the same everything, and anything... Wanting something is the easiest part, but kicking things into action take alot of self-motivation.

pple are self-centred by nature... sadly, to the extent that they simply dun care much for the environment, as well as those around them. the cheapest way to be attractive, is to simply have a good heart. this is obviously no achieved by using alot of LOLs to pepper nonsensical talk.

be good-hearted, be thoughtful and put others before self... your attractiveness will be tripled immediately. throw in some courtesy and dun take things for granted... u'll be fine.
 

"underneath every violent is a sensitive man .... well, sometimes .... oversensitive. "

I agree. very true indeed.
 
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