Wicked friends

K

kittenpie

New Member
in the midst of my separation, i heard from the grapevine that certain friends of my husband are cheering the fact that we are no longer together. those particular male friends were very wicked and commented that they thought that we were wrong for each other all along. i also heard that even when we were dating, they already badmouthed me to my husband behind my back.

another female friend of mine, who kept a low profile whenever she met with something unpleasant in her life like unemployment or bad breakup, suddenly looked me up and wanted to hear me confide.

wicked friends, black hearts. sometimes i wonder why must people be like that. i thought that a true friend is someone who can really be happy with you when you are happy, when you are celebrating success, when you are rich, when you are indulging in luxuries. but it seems that such people are rare and most of the time, people just want to gloat when you are down.

do you have any wicked friends like mine?
 


May, there is more than one perspective. If his friends really see u guys as a bad match, the breakup would indeed be seen as a good thing? Why does one need to see divorce or breakup as a bad thing in the 1st place?

"thought that a true friend is someone who can really be happy with you when you are happy" They probably believe that he is happier without you. The world doesn't revolve around us and our priorities. Face it, there would be some folks that would not like you. And there is no way you can please everyone. There is nothing evil about that. Its life. To you, its bad mouth, to them, they are really advising him because he is too 'blind'.
 
what about those 'friends' who seldom appear when you are on the way up and they are on the way down, but who suddenly desire to appear when you are down but they are going up?
 
also, they continued to badmouthed me even after we were blissfully married. it is ok for his friends and i not to like each other. but the constant, unprovoked badmouthing is just wrong, just wicked.
 
I never expect any friends to appear or disappear. Everyone has their priorities and life. Like I mentioned, this is your view. How do you know that they are bad-mouthing you for nothing? That's really your assumption.

There would be those that like to impose their ideas onto their friends. If your husband is so easily influenced, then realize the selection is a bad one to begin with. Outsiders only see one way and their feedback is only based on what they can see and hear from him. Somehow, I believe part of it is trig from what he tells them as well. Something, u r likely to have no knowledge of.
 
agree with milo to a certain extent...they are HIS friends, they want the best for him, which may or may not mean u. But there are certainly many people who build their happiness on people's miseries...so that in contrast their awfully pathetic and miserable little lives look less miserable and intolerable.
 
Hweebs,

"But there are certainly many people who build their happiness on people's miseries"

I'm generalizing here but don't you think such individuals are more females than males? Guys don't normally bother to plot such stuffs. Although, they talk alot of cock and bullshit stuffs. If May's husband take them so seriously, then its really him being stupid than his friends being evil.

I haven't come across a guy that literally build their happiness on others misery. But, plentiful for women. Frankly, anyone has the opposite experience to dispute my observation here??
 
among females, frenemies are very common.

at certain moments, when you are having a good time chatting laughing gossiping, you are friends.

at other moments, they are eyeing you up and down looking at what you own. how many designer bags you have, what watches you wear, what clothes you have, what type of house you live in, how much you earn. they hate you if you are doing better and they look down on you when you are doing less well than them.

i guess this is a very female thing.
 
Why humans are like that... When you are up and rich, your friends come close to you and you think that they are trying to suck up to you. When you are down and out, your friends come close to you and you think they are trying to step on you further?????
Someone told me this.. Your kind of friends usually reflect the kind of person you are.
 
May, exactly.... I'm taking the assumption that his friends that you mentioned at guys as well? If they are gals, then what you are saying could be true. There could be secret agendas.
 
yup, this building of happiness on people's miseries is by females. I thought may was talking about a/her female friend? The males usually will project their own standards/perspectives on others bah...e.g. a bachelor who feels getting married is stupid will probably keep telling his married friend about loss of freedom, being henpecked etc, and cheer when this married friend regain singlehood.
 
ken, you are right that i think my friends are like this, because i am this sort of person. i find myself being subject to envious feelings a lot of time. and when things are down for me, the feeling is very similar to landing one of the bottom places in the school ranking. but im conscious that this is a very lowly type of reaction and i am trying to channel my energies to more worthwhile endeavours to improve my own life and running my own race and not be so kaypoh to compare with others.

Milo, no agenda, all males. but you wont believe some of the bitchy, childish things that these males have said. they were along the line of "she is too short, too tall for you, she is less educated/ more educated than you, she looks too young, too old for you". very unsolicited, motivated more by personal dislike than by interest in my husband as their friend. this is the group of friends that i had advised my husband to stay away from because they are quite distasteful. they are disrespectful towards women (like to go to red light district to oggle girls), they dress sloppily, smoke and gamble heavily while being underachievers in their jobs.

i agree fully that his friends and i do not need to like one another at all, but the types of things they say make me feel very saddened by peoples' nature. and really, it surprises me how bitchy some heterosexual men can be.

hweebs, yah, my friends are female.
 
May,

i dun think the frens u call frens... are actually frens... u might have disregarded those frens who could have been close frens, and chose to be frens with those who aren't worthy frens... If tat's the case, then u're very much the fren u are complaining abt.

i disapprove of some of my fren's wives, and still disapprove. i dun say good things abt them nor do i need to Not say bad things... it is my discretion and my right. if i meet with them i just keep to myself... if my fren divorces with them, of cos i'm happy for my fren... why not? i have the right as a fren to know wat's good for my fren, and what kind of wife isn't good. so i am like one of those 'wicked frens' u're talking abt... and it really doesn't matter wat wives think of me becos the male-frenship bonds can transcend all these need to "fren u, fren me" stuff.

as for the fren who comes n look for u now when u're down... yours is actually the opposite of the general male-way... males normally look for u when u're up, Not down... especially if finances involved.

all i can say is... u can choose not to meetup and save yourself the agony if u think she's calling u out just to feel good abt herself.

one honest observation... some ladies seem to like to go thru the entire motion of suffering - just to be able to lament that they have suffered. so in your case, if u suspect so, and u go thru it... i would also assess that u went thru it so that u can lament here abt it.

Thing is... altho no man is an island, i highly suggest u try to see things like u were an island with no frens... anything more is a bonus.

good or bad Frens - is very much our choice. u dun need to be frens with pple u deem to be dangerous or unfit... if u choose to keep them, u have to blame yourself. pls rem this... else til the day u die, u would never have had any real frens.
 
oh ya... u could simply be overly conscious, sensitive, and think the world revolves around u... therefore when anything happens, u think somehow it Always connects to your current state.

so much so that sometimes when u see pple laugh, u think they're laughing at u...
 
May, His friends comments are really irrelevant. And why should you even be bothered. Guys are like that.. when within our group someone is getting married, we would give our own assessment.. And why they have a poor opinion of you? Maybe that will help you reflect a little on yourself.

For me, if I have a gf and getting married I don't care what my friends will be saying. Good friends will keep quiet or they just make their comments once and that should be enough for the points to be taken. If they talk too much about my gf I will just ask them to shut-up. It is my gf, it is my choice - who has the right to say so much?

But ken is right.

Your kind of friends usually reflect the kind of person you are.

So the fact that his friends are bad-mouthing you reflect on the type of person your husband is. You make him your hb so it is your choice anyway.

Anyway, you can break the cycle by consciously making friends that are very different from you.
 
Birds of a feather flock together. I am female. I don't have female friends who constantly compare who has the most expensive designer bags, the biggest house, the most well paying jobs....because in the first place, I don't buy branded goods, don't live in a big house nor aspire to live in one and I work to earn a living; not to pay off hefty loans which I can ill afford. So yes, we choose friends who usually reflect the kind of values that we hold.
 
may, there's nothing u can do if u have friends like them. just stay far away from them and cut off all contacts if u really feel so disgusted with them.

true friends no need many, just 1 will do.
 
Maybe i am more 'guarded'. My thinking is: who will really bare his heart to you? I am often worry that if i were to bare my heart to this person? will he turn around and back stab me? My only confidant is my hubby... but sometimes i still hv doubts...maybe the problem lies with me, i am too insecured.. I can joke ard with anyone, but with reservations. In this world, i don think there is anyone who can really be a true friend, the only true friend is one who will not hv conflicts of interest with you.
 
For sure, you will not have a true friend. Why is there so much expectation of a friendship in the 1st place? My ex is very much like you. She believes so strongly in guarding. I simply find someone else that can trust each other fully.

In a way its a vicious cycle. The more you are unwilling the trust, the less trust you will have in your relationships.
 
agree with milo...the more open you are, the more you will receive. Of course there may be misplaced trust, but generally people will be drawn and willing to be sincere and truthful to someone whom they think is sincere and has no agenda...hehe, mebbe 'boast' a bit...i'm the type where people just start to confide to even on the streets, on the bus, in the supermarket, at the hawker centre, etc. Even when I am just happily munching on my lunch or buying stuff, people just want to talk to me about their problems...perhaps this is why i became a counsellor bah
 
the truth is, no matter guys or girls, we will take our good friends views into consideration. if your spouse likes his friends, and you can't get along with them, it's pretty obvious that it won't win you any brownie points.

but having said that, i agree with you that your hb's friends sound incredibly childish. even if they did not like you, they ought to have kept their mouths shut.

since you and him have decided to end the marriage, it's time to let go and move on. find friends that you get along with and who really care for you and forget about these people who are rubbing salt on your wound.

all the best.
 
find yourself a new life if the current one doesnt hold you. But start to think if any does hold u. Sometime the problem doesnt lie with others but ourselves. Our own childish and immature ways, our selfish state of existence. That's what life is all about. We need to dilute our thinking with the others yet not losing our own taste. It is difficult being human, less being ourselves though each and everyday we thrive to be what we think we should be. We lived to the expectation of the others and we think it is normal.
"the son is the father of the man" till we could understand and live the way it is told, we lived amongst the rest. And by whose standard it is not right?
 
i married young thinking that i struck jackpot because his family appeared well-to-do. but it turned out that his family is struggling financially and everything i see is just a front. i didnt marry for money but it disappointed me.

over the years, i succeeded more in my career, while he is falling more and more behind. his ability and skills have not risen. with years, as his family fortune dwindled, he also allowed himself to degenerate. started to mix with bad friends and even showed signs of violence.

because of finances, i was reluctant to have children. he wanted one because he thinks we can afford it but i aim to have a high quality life for the child, so i wont entertain it. relationship with in-laws also worsen because i would no longer take their nonsense, after it became clear to me that they only know how to boast and no ability at all - eg not worthy of respect. wanted to move out, but husband used to comfort of home. he would rather enjoy creature comforts than to defend me to his family.

so it has become quite clear - weak character that turned bad (the signs of violence) in the years as the family fortune wanes. no foreseeable future, empty promises. so must break up.

Albee, i never mentioned my story here before, this is the first time im saying it.
 
he hit me twice. first time he claimed he was drunk and begged for forgiveness. i forgave him.

the second time, i went to file a police report.
 
wicked friends and bad hearts??? Now that i hear your story I'm wondering why your friends are not cheering for you when u separate? I'll have thought that your friends would have been cheering louder than his!
 
Hi May,

This is really hard for you. If it was me, I don't really know if I can survive.

Hubby, his friends and his family are all mean to you. No wonder you wanted to earn a lot of money and move out.
 
hweebs, of course i have friends who are happy for me lah. it is just that there are also those who are gleeful. who gloat over misery. it is during these times when you see whose heart is black.
 
And don't u think that your husband will think your frens are also wicked, for thinking that he is too lousy for u?
 
that's why i regret forgiving him the first time round.

i hope by sharing my story, all the women out there will be made more aware about marriage breakups.
 
May, u should have realized by now, he is pretty much the same as his peers. Which their friends advise is pretty correct, u guys are really not suited. Right?

The breakdown probably has to do with his bruised ego as well. He was the provider and savior for your situation and now the loser that has lost all respect for.

Hweeds brought up a good pt. In the same manner that your friends are happy for you. Your ex partner can view them as wicked as well. Just looking at similar things from a different perspective.
 
true. when i married him, i was in my early 20s and i wanted to escape from my family. there were always chaos in my family. so he was a convenient getaway boat.

i can understand the pains of what a man goes through when he falls from a provider to being provided for. it is deeply humiliating. such times is the test of a real man.
 
u're not the first girl i know who married to get away from family... seems it's one of those motivating factors for marriage...
 
imagine yourself as a 22 yr old girl, just out of school and having an unstable first job. mother and father fighting everyday. along comes a rich man's son who promises you sun and moon. what does a 22 yo girl do when he proposes?

i wished that i had known better. but in retrospect, i really couldnt have known better at that age. i didnt have enough exposure at that time, i grabbed what appeared to a 22 yo girl as an ideal choice, the best choice.
 
May: after reading your story I just want to applaud you for being strong and wanting to do better for yourself. You didn't whine or blame everybody else but yourself. At least you admitted your mistakes and are doing what you can to get your life back on track. I really admire you.

Anyway, I guess this is a good learning experience for you... you know what you want now. So don't regret anything, because these lessons will help you make wiser decisions in future.
happy.gif
 
oh May, dun get me wrong tho... i am just pointing out that this, even tho seemingly unlikely, is quite a common thing i've encountered... Or am i the only surprised one that these could be motivating factors?
 
no powder, im just filled with self-pity now thats why i have the outburst. i feel sorry for the little girl who made those mistakes and wasted 7 yrs of her life. how to get back these 7 yrs? money can be earned, but what about time? feels like crying just thinking about it.

but it is ok lah, life moves on. they say 30s is the new 20s. lets live to prove it lah
 
Life is such. We underwent the lessons to become wiser. Without the lessons, we will never be the same person we are today.
 
I don't think the 7 years is wasted.. it is only wasted if you do not learn anything from it.

At least now you have seen more and is wiser.. and it may prepare you to meet the real Mr right.
 
Hmm...I don't know. I had a different feeling about this failed marriage. I feel it's two-way and depends on one's perspective. I have this feeling that May's husband must be thinking.."You married me for $ and now that my family is not doing well, you always remind me of how much you earn and that because finances are no gd, so we can't have babies. What high quality life. You trying to tell me you can't accept the simple life I can give the child? You can't have babies with me and at the same time damage my ego by repeating the msg that you are more superior than me when it comes to $$. Somemore you don't get along well with my family. I think i've seen your true colours."

Could he be thinking this way too? This might have turned him into a violent person?
 
denise, you are very sharp. there are always two sides to a story.

when we first got married, i was struggling financially, so i took small allowance from him each mth. that lasted for less than a yr. once i got on my feet, i was as independent from him as can be. but perhaps in his mind, he never got over the stage when i was dependent on him like a child.

you got it bull's eye. he did mention in our quarrels .."You married me for $ and now that my family is not doing well, you always remind me of how much you earn and that because finances are no gd, so we can't have babies. What high quality life. You trying to tell me you can't accept the simple life I can give the child? You can't have babies with me and at the same time damage my ego by repeating the msg that you are more superior than me when it comes to $$. Somemore you don't get along well with my family. I think i've seen your true colours."

i know it is hard to believe, as i come across as a materialistic woman. but i am willing to accept him as he is now, more or less broke. but i do not have any use for a broke man who has no dignity, who continually bows to his family.

he has lived in the lap of luxury throughout his childhood. he grew up to see his father and uncle not just as father figures but as the bread and butter of life itself, as they are the ones he takes allowance and later salary from. it is nearly impossible to tell such a person "stand up on your own feet!" when there is no longer money in the family. what i at first mistook as family spirit - the babysitting of one another's children, the personal nursing of ill elders - i later recognise as signs of his kowtow to his family and relatives, not genuine family love.

i tried to discuss financial matters with him, not to brag to him, but to help him. but i think he took it the wrong way that i now despise him.

it takes time to change but i cannot foresee him ever standing apart from his family successfully. he doesn't have the spine. i seriously think that he will die together with them, just as he has enjoyed the good times with them.

but there are always two sides to a story. what you described is indeed his perspective.
 
but you know what? recently i saw a channel 8 documentary on unusual husband-&-wife pairings. one featured a bankrupt 40yo with 3 sons and a divorced wife, who is married to a bright, chirpy, happy looking 25yo. she is so cheery she dazzled like the sun, and she takes good care of his sons. her passion for her stepsons is evident.

why does such a young, intelligent girl, with outstanding leadership skills, outgoing and extroverted, end up with a sad and wasted 40yo? the episode left a deep impression in me and leads me to the conclusion that there will be takers for any man out there. even if the world views him as a loser, he will still get a woman.

so i wont be surprised if my husband already has a girlfriend now. he will get over me quickly, this i am sure.
 
well, i view his perspective and violence as two separate matters as much as he is frustrated with his own finances which greatly affects him...

i highly suspect he covered his ego with some sort of defensive talk...
 
Hi May, I think in a relationship, there's no absolute right or wrong but just a mismatch of personalities and goals in life. At least u know yourself v well and knows exactly what you want in life. It's apparent that you don't need a partner but the ability to give yourself a gd life. Your case is one where both parties are not able to fulfill the marriage vows of living through hard times & poverty together.
 

'what i at first mistook as family spirit - the babysitting of one another's children, the personal nursing of ill elders - i later recognise as signs of his kowtow to his family and relatives, not genuine family love'

During the good times, he is termed as having family spirit, helping family to babysit, taking good care of ill elders, he DEPENDED on his family to provide for you. But during the bad times, the same situation becomes kowtow to family, clinging on to the family and die together with them just like he has enjoyed good times with them(he will be such a bastard if he really abandon his family) and he is still depending on his family right now or he might be supporting to keep the family alive for all we know.

He didn't change. You fall in love with and despise the same guy. Same guy, different financial status, views in different angles.

And for the gossiping and bad-mouthing. You know who you are. All the talks and gossip doesn't make you a different person unless you agree with them. Trust what you feel about yourself and take comments like that with a pinch of salt. It doesn't make sense if you let those comments affects you, particularly from those who are 'wicked' and adds no value to your life. They didn't just succeed in gloating when you are down, you are the one who approves it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top