What should I do?

D

dilemmalove

New Member
Hi,

I'm indecisive regarding this. I'm married for 7 yrs, w 2 kids, 5 and 3 yrs old. B4 people told me that I'm loving towards my husband but I didn't feel so. I feel though we were together for many yrs , we don't really understand each other and seldom talked.

Things changed when i begin to fall in love w a lesbian. She is really sweet and gd w the kids. the first day we become bf n gf, we had intimate contact. we r together for almost 10 mths. nw i don't talk to my husband at all. many times we (lesbian & I) want to break, i just refuse. i know im wrong but my heart loves my bf. My bf wants me to legally divorce my husband nw or she wants to break up w me. im really in a dilemma. my bf is a foreigner n very poor so if we want to b together, i have to fork up money for house and doing business in the foreign country. she's responsible, saying that she will work apart fm making business.

my heart tells me to stick to my bf n separate my husband but my mind is in a deep dilemma. can someone pls advise?
 


anyone? my bf forced me to go law firm and she wants to go w me as she's afraid that i lied to her. i know i shouldn't be holding 2. I love her but also have doubt whether i'll have retribution (next time my bf ditch me), business will be failing in a foreign country, my kids upbringing. will they be affected?

my hubby didn't commit adultery but i feel not close to him though we have been together for quite long. he also biased towards 1 kid. last time when we bring the kids out, he will bring 1 and I bring another and we go home separately. we also seldom share our thoughts, for e.g after a day at wk, i want to know how's his work or day. he just 1 or 2 words answer. the kids called him and depends how busy he was, he would answer or not answer. financially wise, I'm also paying out more on food etc. only recently, i don't bother so he will buy diapers and milk power for the kids. he has found out that I'm distancing away from him and asked for a chat but i'm afraid to talk to him bcz he actually didn't commit any big mistakes and my bf was around me so she don't allow me to talk to him (on the other hand maybe allowed but she will be jealous and said that I wanted to go back to him).

My bf wanted to go w me to law firm today to see me file divorce but I haven't booked appt yet. She felt angry and said we separated. I cried whole night refusing to let her go again. I'm really in a dilemma. I do not know who to talk to or turn to. The love for my bf developed deeper and deeper as we spent time together w the kids for the entire Sat and Sun. I'm happy w her though I spent a lot bcz she couldn't afford to pay so I'm paying for all the meals and entertainment (movie or karoke, transport etc) and we quarreled bcz i not legally separate my husband. she told me she's mine forever but i'm not. I'm 9 yrs older than her.
 
u need to separate emotion from logic and start to think rationally.

i say, think, not feel.

u do know it doesn't look promising at all.

in fact, it could be a prelude to something disastrous.

and it's not just u - u hv ur kids to think abt too.

when money is an issue in love, always think with ur head.

and one more thing, the way ur 'bf' behaves is questionable. be warned.
 
Your BF comes across as a very possessive person and I feel you could be emotionally over dependent on HIM . I would think you should steer clear of external emotions if possible while dealing with your divorce . You need a clear mind.
 
10mths vs 7 years. For me, is too big a risk to take. Plus, she is a foreigner, moving to her country makes her more in control. If business fail, and you are penniless, will she still stand by your side? Not to forget, she is younger.
Easier for her to start all over again. And, I dont think doing business with a spouse is a good idea. When one fails, both(marriage&business) fail. And, seems like she has nothing much to lose as compared to you. What will your family (parents) think? your kids?
If she really loves you, why is she forcing you to do things (eg. divorce) Are you going to get married with her?

If you intend to stay in your current marriage, do let your hb know about this, before she tries anything funny.
 
As has been mentioned by others in this thread.. End the relationship with your bf... Use your mind to think and not your heart at this moment... 10 months vs 7 years?? And because she is younger... You will be the one taking care of her, and although now she is nice towards the kids you will not know what will happen if you go with her with the kids... And can you bear to leave your kids behind and go oversea? How will that affect your kids? And how promising the future is for you if you go over to her country? How promising will your relationship be? Just like some mentioned ... When it comes to money... If business fails.. Normally the relationship fails too...



Using SingaporeBrides app
 
Thks for all the replies.

I'm still stuck with my bf bcz i don't bear to leave her.

bearine, yes she told me she will marry me after i divorce w my husband so she's forcing me bcz she wants me to be hers only not shared w any other. For this, i feel she loves me.

sadman, though she's younger, she's very independent and able to take care of me and the kids. i'm thinking of bringing kids w me overseas but it's the kids' future that keep holding me back and my parents too. i've to make a lot of sacrifices if i want to be w her.

we are leaving in same house together. this relationship is hard to survive so she suggests we move out. we actually went to look for room to rent. now i'm in dilemma again whether to move out w her and 1 kid only. haiz...
 
I think you really need to cool down yourself and think very carefully. How come you say that your bf is independent while he is not financially affordable for simple entertainment like karaoke n movie? If he loves you, he must assured you a firm future that he is affordable to take care of you and the kids before even force you to divorce. Prepared yourself to loss everything : parents, kids, friends, money......If you think you willing to loss everything without regret and just want to be with him together, then you may go ahead. Sometimes, we need to choose between reality n feeling. Feeling can change anytime, reality never change n you have to face it until the day you die.
 
kittychu, independent as in can take care of ownself, do housework, prepare things needed. she's very poor as mentioned b4 so cannot support financially. the plans she has for us is to make biz in her country bcz things there are cheap, no need a lot of capital. i don't know whether i can do that without regret bcz i cannot see my future.

i'm indeed very greedy and selfish to be holding 2 at a time. when my mother pushy n said nasty things about me and her, i become very vexed and agitated and would want to move out w her.

i've been very cold towards my husband and he also do the same to me now. i don't like that he's unfair to the kids, very loud, always repeat what he said, no time for us, hardly share his day... this makes our relationship very distant.

on the other hand, i admire that my bf knows how to socialise, has sense of humour, sporty, gd at dancing, music... just easily angry, picky about food and things, poor...
 
dilemmalove said:
Thks for all the replies.

I'm still stuck with my bf bcz i don't bear to leave her.

bearine, yes she told me she will marry me after i divorce w my husband so she's forcing me bcz she wants me to be hers only not shared w any other. For this, i feel she loves me.

sadman, though she's younger, she's very independent and able to take care of me and the kids. i'm thinking of bringing kids w me overseas but it's the kids' future that keep holding me back and my parents too. i've to make a lot of sacrifices if i want to be w her.

we are leaving in same house together. this relationship is hard to survive so she suggests we move out. we actually went to look for room to rent. now i'm in dilemma again whether to move out w her and 1 kid only. haiz...
Click to expand...
Are you thinking of the best interest of your kids? You want to pursue your happiness and it doesn't need to conflict with your children's well being. Consider giving up the custody of the kids if you intend to move elsewhere without any security.
 
You don’t need to be in a dilemma as the choice is rather clear. Be with your bf and prepare to lose everything – the trust, respect and love of your kids and your parents. Or sever ties with your bf so that you still have a chance to salvage your marriage and relationship with your children and parents.

Honestly, reading the whole thread and the conversations. I only feel your admiration and infatuation you have for your bf because she could provide you with the time and attention your husband cannot give. She is independent, extrovert and talent in dance and music. My sense is that she has the qualities and talents that neither you nor your husband has thus everything she has attracts you. You reciprocate her feelings, you feel loved.

Such admiration and infatuation is short lived when reality kicks in. Being overseas in a foreign land means there is just too much uncertainty for you – you risk the chance of losing everything.
 
miloice, i admit im selfish that i want my own happiness and the kids too.

jehvy, u really speak my mind. that i admire her and her care for me. i didn't initiate to start this relationship but i think of her even before we started till she popped the qn whether i can b his gf? i struggled initially too but she told me money cannot buy happiness and love conquers everything. as we move on, the love for each other becomes deeper and deeper.

if i stay w my bf, we have 2 plans: 1) continue to stay here but move out, rent a room. 2) go to her country. we buy house and start biz. before she told me, its better she went to her country first and head start biz. just then, she told me we move out, she don't want to go to her country without me, will miss me. so her words really contradict or she really loves me, sometimes i doubt. but when we are together, im very happy, she let me experience what i don't experience b4. when she became angry and pushed me away, i don't care of my dignity, do anything to be w her.
 
dilemmalove said:
miloice, i admit im selfish that i want my own happiness and the kids too.
Click to expand...

What do you want about the kids? their happiness or your selfish needs? Treat your children right. They are not your possession to keep in the closet. Are you confident in providing for your kids?
 
TS, it seems your mind is all set to stay with your BF, you should seriously have a good talk with your husband on your intend in separation or divorce. Discuss and evaluate if he's a better caregiver than you for the children. maybe you should let your husband have the kids because you are such a love slave IMO
 
"we have 2 plans":
1) "continue to stay here but move out, rent a room" - who pays? u pay.
2) "go to her country. we buy house and start biz" - again, who pays? u pay.

"before she told me, its better she went to her country first and head start biz. just then, she told me we move out, she don't want to go to her country without me, will miss me" - u gotta go with her cos someone has to foot the bill (she's too poor, remember?). that someone is u.

"when we are together, im very happy, she let me experience what i don't experience b4"
- it's easy to fool a sucker like u. just shower enough love to get u hooked. then give u more to keep it going, but NOT too much bcos...

"when she became angry and pushed me away, i don't care of my dignity, do anything to be w her"
- u gotta play a little hard to get to test the water. see who has the upperhand. ur bf has it for sure... and a wonderful paymaster at her beck and call.

yea, this is how it works.



and it works all the time.
 
miloice, I don't know. I'm so selfish. In terms of disciplining the kids, I feel I do a better job than my husband and parents. He's inconsistent, sometimes shouting at them, biased against 1, sometimes pamper them. My parents esp my mother over pamper them, making them cry over little things and giving in when they cry. Since I need to provide for my bf too, I'm unsure how well I can support them. My bf is very gd at disciplining them and they are very afraid of her.

buddhabar, I really sound that I'll go all the way out to be with my bf and pursue my so-called happiness? till now, I don't have the courage to go down law firm to do separation with my husband. I only bluff my bf that I did it already bcz she was pushing me to do it else she separate me and I don't want to leave her. I don't know is it lack of courage, don't want to spend the money on sepapration deed/divorce procedure or I still love him a little?

My husband's birthday was just over. I wanted to wish him personally or through msg (my bf holding my sim card so i can't do that). In the end, I just told my daughter secretly in her ears to tell papa hpy birthday. I heard from my mum that he was super hpy but he didn't come to me and talk to me or do anything.

I want to cool down many times and tell to myself, think carefully, don't be 'fooled' by my bf. don't be naive that we will make lots of money from biz. what if biz fails? what if my bf wasn't genuine to me? She actually ran away from my house yesterday and told me that she would never come back. I panicked, called her many times, kept msg her. Eventually i found her and agreed to move out w her. I'm very happy that she came back w me but throughout the night, I kept pondering is it right to abandon my parents (won't be able to see them daily, maybe still pay them a visit once a week) and not see my elder son and my daughter also cannot play w her sibling daily... My bf softened now and told me to look for house nearer my workplace and need not move out today. She said go and get the separation paper done so we can get both kids as mothers usu get custody of kids.

infojunkie, my bf really playing w me? she kept saying she sacrifices so much for me (she might get killed if my husband or parents discover our affairs).
 
"She actually ran away from my house yesterday and told me that she would never come back. I panicked, called her many times, kept msg her. Eventually i found her and agreed to move out w her. I'm very happy that she came back w me..."

i'm a little perplexed as to why with so much drama happening and still nobody seems to know something is amiss. not at all? that's kinda weird...
 
TS, you are lucky Lee Hsien Long said Singapore is not ready for same sex marriage else you would
have committed adultery and the judge will never award you the custody of your children.
 
infojunkie said:
"She actually ran away from my house yesterday and told me that she would never come back. I panicked, called her many times, kept msg her. Eventually i found her and agreed to move out w her. I'm very happy that she came back w me..."

i'm a little perplexed as to why with so much drama happening and still nobody seems to know something is amiss. not at all? that's kinda weird...
Click to expand...

it's not nobody seems to think something is missing..... it's the person who matter most do not seemed to feel it.
She is blinded by her obsession. 所谓当局则迷，旁观则清
 
infojunkie & buddhabar, warning signs there? I'm really obsessed by her. Like my mother said, my soul being eaten up by some1. My mother sensed something amiss, suspected her but she craftly made signs and told I'm with somebody else. To protect her, of course I denied but kept quiet that I'm seeing somebody. hmm, she works in my house so I think I find it difficult to stay away from her.

It was a struggle last night too when both of us talked when I found her. I wanted to let go of her since she ran away and when I trusted her. But I don't know why I told her I didn't give her false hope. We moved out together and I wanted her to pay rent and stayed for the night first while I joined her this morning. I went to draw money, wanted to pass her the money but didn't. She also told me she went back with me and we planned what to tell my family. We covered up smoothly. She took the money to ssafekeep for me bcz sometimes my parents checked my wallet and my bag and I'm careless. If she can't be trusted, she could move in first and since I paid the rental, I would surely join her or better still, she could take that money and run away. No evidence to show she took my money, never sign anything. Just my phone sms indicating that I made such a withdrawal.

Whenever I wanted to doubt her, My trust and love for her regain.

With my mother's nagging and their overly protective and pampering towards my kids, I really feel like moving out w her. By staying together, we can find whether we are really suitable for each other. On the other hand, when moving out, it also means no turning back?
 
at least ur mom sensed something's amiss.

but how abt ur husband? ru not staying with him? well, guess the ppl ard u are just too nonchalant for their own good *sigh*

"Whenever I wanted to doubt her, My trust and love for her regain."

continue to doubt her please. stop spending money on her... just stop anything that's gonna do with YOUR money. if she can live on her own way before knowing u, i dun understand why she cant do it now? to quote her - money cannot buy happiness and love conquers everything *smile*

if she really loves u, she will understand.
 
infojunkie, she's from philippines. yes all staying in same house, my parents, my kids, my husband, my bf... my husband sensed that I'm cold towards him, asked for a talk but I didn't really sit down to talk to him. I msg him quite some time ago that we msg each other more freq, share more financial expenditures tog. He didn't do so.

my bf helped me pack the things as we planned to move out. Im holding back once again, saying the owner not around, cannot put things first, haven't nego for a price.
the rent of room in condo we saw will be $800 per mth, common rm in hdb $680. my kids go childcare and she told me if moved out w her, she can teach my kids, don't need to go childcare so fees fm childcare can b used for rent. She will also try to find job.
 
Use the child care fees to pay for rental and she will teach the kids? Don't ruin the kids future! Do u want to consider to let the kids or one of them to follow their papa? At least their future more guarantee and you can have lesser burden too while you are enjoying the love...
 
pardon me but, is your bf your family's helper? Since you've mentioned that she works in your home and lives together with your family?
Sorry but either you have some serious issues or this really sounds like a troll thread to me
 
dilemmalove said:
infojunkie, she's from philippines. yes all staying in same house, my parents, my kids, my husband, my bf... my husband sensed that I'm cold towards him, asked for a talk but I didn't really sit down to talk to him. I msg him quite some time ago that we msg each other more freq, share more financial expenditures tog. He didn't do so.

my bf helped me pack the things as we planned to move out. Im holding back once again, saying the owner not around, cannot put things first, haven't nego for a price.
the rent of room in condo we saw will be $800 per mth, common rm in hdb $680. my kids go childcare and she told me if moved out w her, she can teach my kids, don't need to go childcare so fees fm childcare can b used for rent. She will also try to find job.
Click to expand...

Enough of this selfish rubbish. You do not place your kids interest in consideration at all. You are not fit to be a mother.
 
After reading above, it seems like your bf is your helper? You mentioned she's independent coz she's able to take care of you and your kids. IF, she really is your house's helper, have you thought before that helpers are mostly hired to take care of the home and family? It is her job responsibility. Like what many people have been telling you, perhaps you should start to think logically and not let your emotions take over. Your husband has tried to take baby steps towards salvaging your marriage, you should reciprocate if you would like that to happen too.. Perhaps, set some time aside to hang out together as a couple while you let your parents take care of your kids for the day, talk things out and see what went wrong, or even counselling.. You seem like you're just craving for the attention and love your husband wasn't able to give and your bf conveniently came into the picture...

Just my 2 cents worth...
 
it seems that you perceive time in childcare is only for someone to take care of them. However, it is helping in your kids social development and basic skills. Soon, they will go to kindergarten and Primary school. It is not too far away, you need a plan for it as well. You cannot just live for the moment, when you have commitments and responsibility as a parent. You do not consider to give up the custody and want your kids with you but willing to channel your finances on rental instead of prioritizing for your kids.

People do not plan to fail, they just fail to plan.
 
Man such a messy situation dilemmalove. If I'm your husband I would send her back to Philippines n maybe divorce you. You are seriously being mind f by your so called bf. Get it off this mess before something terrible happens. Sounds like this will end up in a terrible crime of passion sorta case
 
Assuming this is not a troll...

TS tries to paint a bad picture of the husband but pretty much fails. At worse it sounds the couple just drifted apart.

The bf on the hand is actually so controlling it's borderline abusive! Eg controlling sim card, and forcing decisions, throwing temper.

Honestly TS is so biased and delusional I find it hard to believe when she says over and over the husband is biased and she's a better caretaker of kids.

Honestly this has to be a troll. Nobody is that stupid.

Wonder what the TS works has.
 
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