What should I do ? Shes gone.

D

dejection

New Member
A 5 years long r/s.

I did no good by leaving her for two girls twice during the r/s but in the end i came back as I knew she was the one I always loved. It has been nearly 1.5 years since this thing happened.

Recently, she had enough and exploded.
Said we had no communication,common interest.
Wanting to explore this world on her own.
There is also a guy who is after her and her feelings for him is uncertain.

So she asked for a break up.

Ive been thinking everything how to get her back but couldnt meet her as she is not ready.

I see my future visions with her and I think I have some bad parts in the r/s like not being able to spice it up but i did open up on everything i have in my heart and mind. But she did not.

Now i do not know what will happen in the future. I dont know what I can do. I really love her.

What should I do to get her back?
 


Alot of men take the gf/wife for granted all along for years, mistreating her and totally being insensitive to her feelings and emotions. Finally, after years of tolerance, when she chooses to leave, pity themselves and blame her for leaving after such long years of r/s. Painting a picture such that she didn't give chances, is stubborn now, doesn't care how he hurts....

Well, all this after years of HER tolerance and forgiveness. Some men think that no matter what they do, the woman gotta continually forgive and stay by. They feel it's unfair for her to leave. COMMON! How much would the woman have gone through or asked for you to be sensitive to her emotions all along? If the man had changed, she wouldnt even have left today.

Dejectionist, I think you have had enough chances, forgiveness and leeway given to you throughout this 5yr r/s. Give your ex the time, space and CHOICE to make her own decision of what she thinks is worth her. Do you want a r/s just because YOU are happy if it existed, at her expense, or that both benefit? The best thing you can do is seriously change your ways, not just to win her back now, just to revert back when she's in your arms again, but for real.
 
Best is to let her cool down first. anything else said now it too many too late. wait till she is ready to meet you and hear wat you have to say.

be prepared though, she might be gone forever. be a man, if thats the case, move on... easier said than done, but you still have to do it whether you like it or not.
 
i am willing to change if she comes back,
i love ehr too much not to change. i am prepared if she will be gone forever
my future vision is with her and i am just really sad that i could not fulfil my future plans with her in my future.
i self reflected, i really love her, i really do
 
"i really love her, i really do"

the highest form of love is to continue to do that, and not expecting anything in return.

be strong.
 
To convince a girl that you have self reflected, changed and badly need her in your life, it depends on what kind of girl she is, her type. Some like to be followed constantly and to be shown how serious you are, some like to be left alone and to be given lots of space and allowance for her to get back to you, it really depends on what is your gf's type. Being with her for 5yrs, you must know her best. What is her style?

Maybe just drop her a msg or email that is not pushy but simply stating what you feel and ask for a chance to prove yourself.. At least she knows what is happening at your end. Tell her you will wait for her and give her the space and whether she wants you or wants out, you request her to speak to you when she's ready, at least you know what to expect.. And then, go quiet.

Give her the space as you promised her, otherwise she is just going to take it that you still never keep to your words and merely say things for the sake of catching her attn. When she sees that you seriously are willing to do as you say, her feelings may change.. She may want to give you a chance, whether things will be the same again is not for us to decide..

Meanwhile, just occupy yourself with your job and hobbies and take some time to reflect on yourself and mend your faulty ways, so that you would be prepared to be a better partner to her when she comes back or to your new partner sometime later.. All the best and do update us on what's happening..
 
Love, in the greatest form, translates into self-sacrifice. You talk about 'I' alot but do you know what she really wants/needs? If you really love her, you should look out for her best interests, even at the expense of yourself, your dreams.

Why do you have to change only IF she comes back? Wouldn't that mean your change is not a result of self reflection but a means to get something in return? That's not real change IMO. That's just a business transaction or a barter trade. Your self reflection should be you as a person, as a bf, as a partner for life. Not how much you love her. Becos if she's really a great gal, there will be plenty of guys out there who will discover this gem and love her no less than you do and who won't break her heart twice by leaving her.

If leaving you is better for her, then cliche as it may sound, if you really love her, you'll let her go. Learn from this painful lesson and seek someone else. There are many nice people out there. You'll see when you've learnt to let go and move on.

Or if you're deadset on your love for her, wait for the rest of your life then. Nothing's impossible till 'death do us part' And if while waiting, you want companionship, DO let those girls know you can't promise them much becos you're waiting for Miss Right. Don't go misleading gals and don't go breaking more hearts pls. Very unchivalrous. Good luck!
 
She does not want to see me. I do not know the reasons. She needs her space a lot and just want to do whatever she wants now. So the more I follow the more pissed she'll get and feel that I do not give her any freedom even when we are not together.

I said what I had to say to her, about what I thought about myself and could changed for her wants/needs. It is just that she is not ready to meet me. I do not know when.

I did not even text her or msn her from like 3pm yesterday till now. Trying not to think about anything much and also hold myself together.

I do not want to get into another r/s now also, as I know that it will end up hurting others.
 
It's still very early for you to source for another relationship. Unless you are the sort who just wants company and a companion continuously. Sometimes its just best to be alone and reflect on yourself as an individual and doing what you like and achieving what you lack then being in a troubled relationship for the sake of being together for years and not wanting to let go. It is still early since you 2 parted and one day would not be enough for her to sort out her thoughts. Dont forget it's 5yrs of events and happenings that she would be dealing with and a number of days are not going to be enough.. Deal with yourself first instead of chasing her now. You are not doing real reflection...
 
Hanging around like a pest makes it worse and causes her to lose respect, not that I suspect she has any for you anymore. No gal wants to be with a man like that. There's a higher chance if you go about living your own life that she MIGHT remotely give you a little attention. Playing-hard-to-get does work at times.

Face it, you've lost her. We don't always get to end up with the one we love the most. The truth is hard but time always work its magic of soothing the pain.
 
this sounds like a relationship i had few yrs back.

together for 4 years, bf cheated on me with 2 girls, i sucked it all in and invested myself in a relationship that i knew deep down wouldnt work out in the end. i exploded one day, had an attraction to another guy(just a normal attraction but that little attraction gave me the courage to step out of a mundane relationship). broke up with bf. bf tried to convince me he's changed, and i really believe so. he's moved on now but it was after 1 year of moping.

sometimes, even if u have changed and really want to put all your energy into loving her from now on, she might have given up. a relationship where one has given up is a dead relationship. from what i see, it seems like she has moved on. perhaps she still loves u but realises there's 'no point'. perhaps her love for u has dwindled into nothingness and that gives there the courage to step away.

forget about her. if u have really changed(stopped cheating, etc), then remember this experience and channel this lesson into your next relationship.
 
I do not want to source for another relationship and that is the fact and I guess it is best for me to be alone now.

I am now too trying to concentrate on my own stuffs and also not bothering her anymore. The attention might come or might never come. I am afraid but still this might be one of the way I have to take.

I agree that we don't always get to end up with the one we love most. But it is hard to accept the fact that what I planned for the future is now dash.

I know I am at fault right from the start about the 2 girls. I hate myself.

For now, I accept that I've lost her, but I need time to calm down and maybe just see how things goes in future and I would also be prepared for the worst.
 
I have no choice. I cant simply appear infront of her. I want to do that. But i am scare that she might not like the idea. I wana do every thing to get her back but she says she is not ready to see me. What do i have to do?
 
Just acknowledge the fact that her love for you has died and move on. It is useless if she doesn't want you in her future, and seriously who can blame her? If you pester her now, she will find you even more irritating. The ball is now in HER court, not yours. So quit thinking of doing anything to make her come back, because it's just backfire and make it worse.
 
"Love, in the greatest form, translates into self-sacrifice. You talk about 'I' alot but do you know what she really wants/needs? If you really love her, you should look out for her best interests, even at the expense of yourself, your dreams."

This can be dangerous. Love doesn't equates to sacrifices and suffering. I completely agree about caring of the best interest of the other party. But, I don't agree that in the self-sacrificing part. No one wants the one we love to suffer for us. Its about achieving happiness together. If she cannot be happy with me, I will move on, allow her to find happiness with someone else and find my happiness elsewhere. Not dwell in the suffering. That's not great love. It is only dramatize love in movies and soap operas. No one should suffer more than its needed.
 
I agree with Milo. It is a dangerous thought to think love as self-sacrifice.

Love is foremost about yourself. If you can't love yourself, how do you think you can love others?
 
many have been in this situation. nothing new buddy. u have to move on and leave behind this phase. if its meant to be, in the future, something will rekindle the flame. but dont hope on it. let it go for now
 
Thank you all for the comments and advice.

I am trying to move on now. Not putting any hopes and really never do anything already.

Focusing on my own stuffs and then just get on with life.

Thanks all.
 
Glad that u r moving on dejection.. get urself bz with things..to divert your thoughts everytime u missed her.. remind urself 'letting her go is a way of loving her too'.. hope that helps..
 
tried to PM u, but failed.. as mentioned.. get urself bz.. work..friends.. family.. anything that occupies urself.. is never easy i agreed, but it's the matter if we want it anot at times. jia you jia you.
happy.gif
 
u just got to let go...becoz, u chose ur path when u leave ur gf for 2 girls (twice hurting her) in ur 5yrs r/s with her...

5yrs is no joke to a woman, it's her youth and she give it to u by staying with u. in return she got 2 times of betrayal from u. so nw that she has chosen her path to leave, u should let her go and moved on. dun hold on to someone that u had previously given up on and didnt treasure.

if she is meant to be yours, fated to be with u again, she will be yours again....

I always believe that heaven will always have a match for one another. u are no exception. I hope u will find ur Mrs right soon.
 
i also hope that she is mine, i know that my betrayal is totally a shit thing that i have done. i deserved this.

i hope heaven match me with her, and make her come back soon.
 
dont worry. time changes everything. let her go for now. her feelings for you will never totally fade away. once she realises that you are a better person. she will return. so embrace this as a learning lesson. betrayal is the biggest mistake in a relationship.
 
i am just afraid what if she dont? what if the other guy who she might get together with is the better person? i am really worried. i am really just waiting for the time to go and dun knw when will she be with him.

her reason for not being with him is me. when will this last?
 
What is there to be afraid? Of the obvious reality? Don't kid yourself that she will probably come back. You know the odds. If she does, then you are truly lucky. And if she doesn't, its expected no? She moved on. What do you expect dude?
 
I faced the same situation 10 years ago. I was with my first gf for 6 years and one fine day, she wanted to break up. She insisited I'm not the problem and she did not have anyone new. But just want to break up.

Well, I was so devastated and cried myself to sleep for 2 weeks. Yes, I'm a man and I do cry. I'm not embarrassed about it. Anyway, the feeling is the same: will she come back? should i wait for her? I loved her so much and I can give her more, just come back to me....

Well, after a while, I thought it through. Maybe this was ought to be. broken up and patching back may not be a good thing as there is already a crack somewhere. So it's better to get someone else.

True enough, when I open up my mind and start to accept other gals as friends, I found another gf.

Well, I'm happily married now and I'm happy that I've spent 5 years in the past with a gal who loves me and had happy memories together. This enriches my life experiences.

See that in this way and move on. Wat you did to her is not right and I suggest starting all over again and leave some happy memories for both of yourselves into the future.
 
TS, it is not easy to change a person's decision or heart once he or she had already move on... Nothing much you can do but have to move forward as well... no point looking back and blaming urself further...
 
roger i sent u a message to ur email
happy.gif


seems like everyone advice is to move on. maybe i should try. but i cant stop myself from not caring about her or talk to her on msn.
 
holding onto a hopeless hope is painful.. living with it is miserable.. letting go takes time, however do note time doesn't waits for one.. hence is definitely up to you dejectionist..
 
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