What is her concern?

C

confusedboy84

New Member
We've been together for 2 1/2years... im planning to start a family with her, so i suggest to apply for BTO flat. Shes ok with my suggestion and she shared with me her "requirement" for the new flat.
as we all no that BTO flat got to wait for afew years and the pricing is going higher and higher. so i took the initiative to do research on what are the upcoming launch ect... The first time when there is a new launch that meet her requirement... i smsed her to inform on the new launch and hope that she is interested and we can proceed to register... and when i ask for her comments on the new launch, her response was ohh she forgot to check. Recently there is another launch that meet her requirement too and i did the same thing, informed her on the new launch and hope that she can take a look at it. Now, her reply was "why r u in a hurry of getting new flat?" i explained to her that since BTO flat got to wait for afew years and the price is going up. why not we apply now? Her reply was "You can't apply just because the price is going up, somemore it take years to build and we dunno what is going to happen to us..."
Ya, i agreed with her that we can't apply just because the price is going up. the problem now is, she never even take a look at those new launch that i informed her. that gives me an impression that she is not interested in getting a new flat with me. When i asked why she didn't even take a look at those new launch that i smsed, her reply was "Wo bu yao kan. ke bu ke yi?"
And when she said that, i knew that there is nothing more i can say... Im so sad and confused now.. to me it seems to be a 1 sided relationship...i really dunno what to do now....
 


Hi

Firstly is there any decent proposal for her before she commit to say the magical word "yes" to you?

I think you should only start sourcing after she say "yes" to you. Then it's time to work out your financial planning to plan for a suitable nest.

If she's not those type who's not interested in property, perhaps u can make your sole decision with her consent.
 
like what i mentioned above... shes ok in getting a flat with me, provided the flat that we are getting meets her requirement.

im actually planning for proposal, but from the way i see it now... my proposal may not goes smoothly....

I can't imagine if she said "no" to my proposal...

i dun have the courage to propose anymore....
 
Is she your first gf or have u always being this insensitive to all your partners?!
She is simply unhappy over how u only focused on the practical aspect and neglecting the entire purpose of getting the flat. It is to plan for marriage and life together with her. The proposal is important to many women. And it's beyond just the proposal. Focus on your relationship and she will be in the mood to plan the marriae with u.
 
ya i agree with milo. why dun u try to propose to her? plan something nice n romantic just for her... make her feel special...

it really makes a girl feel cherished when u make the effort to propose... n tell her u wan to spend the rest of ur life with her...

maybe u dun mean it that way, but ur eagerness to go n see the launches even before any proposal, it will appear to the girl that u tink the BTO flat is more important than her...
 
Ya, the first thing that came to my mind was, how come you haven't propose to her and ask her to apply BTO with you? Some girls dislike that, maybe your GF thinks that way too.

All is not lost. You just need to do a proper proposal.
happy.gif
 
wah, i think when you tell her that you want to buy BTO now becoz the price going up, she must be so angry la!!

how can you state this kind of reason as why you want to buy BTO now? you can say other things like "i'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you" or something along that line ma.

i think before you keep bugging her to look at new BTO launches, you better do a proper proposal first. see, she already hinted liao - say that You can't apply just because the price is going up, somemore it take years to build and we dunno what is going to happen to us..."

she's telling you to give her a proper commitment dude.
 
To me, its more than just the proposal lah. She needs to feel TS is in this not for the BTO launch but for their future together.
 
Fusyboy,

As the ancient chinese proverb states:

To be happy for a day, get drunk.
To be happy for a week get a pig (wealthy)
To be happy for a year, get married.
But to be happy for life, become a gardener.

The most worthy source of happiness are often NOT the one that most immidiately appeal. but it take time, PATIENTLY, to pursuit in which are creative and absorbing, and where a man can work all his life without any risk to complete the task.

Do you know what it takes for a gardener to change a tiny, ugly SEED into a perfect form of Blossom flower, and at the same time, was admired by many ?

other word, don't give up just like that, find a creative way to handle it and TAKE TIME.
 
so pissed off..
if my bf says..lets get a BTO flat..
instead of a decent proposal

i will be angry too
i will try him straight to the face that

i am only worth getting a flat with ya?

i am not worth anything?
 
She is probably thinking that you are using this BTO thingy to "propose" and that's it. No proper proposal. I would guess that she may be feeling disappointed and hence this explains her lack of interest in the flat. Like what others have said, why don't you propose to her first before talking to about flat? By applying for the BTO first, and even giving such a practical reason, you are not being sensitive to her feelings at all.
 
Hi all,

Below is my answers to all the questions:

MiLo On e RoCkS (miloice) - like i said earlier, im actually planning for proposal but maybe because of my eagerness of getting a flat, i gave her an impression that flat/price is more important than her. but i really dun mean it that way... im really planning it for our future.. aiya.. dunno how to express it leh... im not those that is very good in sweet talk one leh so to me is like kai bu liao kuo...

Thomas (thommy): I applied for HDB alert, so when there is a new launch i will rec a sms from HDB with some details in it. So i forward it to her just to inform her that there r new launch... But she seems irritated about what i smsed her... forward info only ma... haiz

flyingstar (flyingstar): i can't deny the fact that the price is going up is part of my concern but its only a very small part of my concern... my main concern is it takes years to build. its not like, ok i wan, i apply and i confirm get it... Ya n i no that i shldn ask my partner to apply BTO with me without a decent proposal...
sad.gif


moist (moistfaucet): Thanks for the encouragement and those chim chim proverbs...

dimpxtt (dimpxtt): The way i asked is totally diff from what u post... The way i asked is like "XXX do you think we should get a flat ma?"
Your statement sounds more like ordering her n mine is a question....

altiora (altiora): To be honest, im actually abit using BTO to propose... I just wan to agar agar no what is her rection... and if her rection is positive, of cuz i will carry out my plan to propose and i have roughly plan how i want to propose liao...haiz.. i took the wrong steps n it end up quite bad now...

BTW thanks all for the precious advice... really appreciate it...
 
It's not about sweet talk. It's basic sensitivity bro. Gotta understand things from her pov. Gals appreciate guys effort to anticipate and read their moods and emotions. When u respond appropriately, your gf will really love u for it.

And it's really ok to screw up. What's important is how u progress from it. What she will not appreciate... Is how u find reasons for every point others are telling u. She doesn't need your reasons. She needs u to be willing to understand her.

Work on that communication. Misunderstanding and disputes is normal. No big deal in any relationship. Just acknowledge her emotions... She is upset for her reasons. Telling her your reasons at the moment is nothing more than excuses to her right now. U got to learn how to handle your gf emotions. Do u make her feel better or more frustrated. Dun fix her. Just make her feel you care.
 
I really advise u to focus more on understanding your gf than your marriage plan. Dun rush to screw up. It ruin a perfectly great relationship with poor planning and communication fundamentals. U still seem so clueless and green in your relationship. Not a strategic way to approach your marriage. Not saying all the planning is no good. For sure, almost all women would appreciate the initiative. But, there is the right time and manner to approach it. The way u r doing it, frankly, not many women would appreciate your good intentions. They would feel pressurized into marriage only for the property pricing. It's making her feel unimportant in the marriage and relationship. Hope u get my meaning bro.
 
Im not trying to find a reasons for every point from u guys... i understand that there are certain things that i need to improve n i will take note n improve on it... btw thanks for the advice again...
 
Gotta understand everyone has different reasons and priorities. Dun take the dispute personally. It's really very normal cos u guys are different. Good luck.
happy.gif
 
i guess u r more practical type. it's a plus point also. dun need to sweet talk her, just say "i love u and i want to marry u. do u feel the same way about me?" that's all. it is also showing respect to her.

if u dun have a wife, what for u apply for a flat right? so actually confirming that she wants to marry u is more important.
 
dun noe sweet words
must practise and learn..i am sure lots of skilled-talents folks out here eg milo,ariel, coco, thomas, junkie..etc are the experts for sweet words...;P

cant say dun noe..then brush off the ideasto show your emotions to your gf rite ..

you can do it boi
happy.gif
 
as mentioned, it is not the sweet talk that matters. Those are like sweetners for the right atmosphere only. Sensitivity is the basic requirement for many. Unless u r damn rich, then some wouldn't mind. But, for any fulfilling relationship, one needs to learn to respect and be sensitive to our partners.
 
*Those are like sweetners for the right atmosphere only - Ya i agree, but i nv sweet talk to her before.. so if i suddenly become so sweet, weird weird leh haha..i actually quite envy those couples that often exchange sweettalks..
 
Hi bro, dun need to be mushy and all lovey dovey. Just be generous with your appreciation and compliments. E.g. If u like the scent of her hair, just whisper it in her ears when u hug her or when she leans over. Tell her how nice she smells and u love it!
After a wonderful date, sms or call her just to tell her u miss her. Such sweet nothings when done in the right moment brighthens her day. Makes her feel cherished and missed.
 
and don't stop after you're married .. my husband still occasionally leans forward and smell my hair, and whisper 'you smell nice' when we're out in public .. we still hold hands and cuddle in the movie theatre .. etc. these little gestures are a part of what keeps a relationship going ..
 
"altiora (altiora): To be honest, im actually abit using BTO to propose... I just wan to agar agar no what is her rection... and if her rection is positive, of cuz i will carry out my plan to propose and i have roughly plan how i want to propose liao...haiz.. i took the wrong steps n it end up quite bad now..."


i feel abit upset when i read e abv post....
it's a bit upsetting to think a guy will propose only if e girl sure accept...

isnt proposal supposed to be like a surprise?
e point is make her touched and say yes.
NOT, confirm she will say yes, den only propose.
mayb it's only me, but i feel e abv really lacks sincerity. if TS is afraid of rejection, it shows u are not dat confident of your relationship
 
cuclainne, yes. Courtship between couples doesn't cease with marriage or kids. It needs to be continued to keep the sparks alive.
 
carlene, to be fair, its not just about confidence in the relationship lah.

Its really a fear leh. You think most guys are super thicked skin and had many experiences proposing meh?? The fear of rejection is understandable. But as the guy, one needs to handle the fear lah.... else, he is unlikely to ever get married to the gal he want.
 
TS said in ur first post, "im planning to start a family with her"

How come it is not "we are planning to start a family together?"

Shows that there could be lack of communication in this aspect of your relationship and both of u actually never talk enough about marriage and ur future together.

U did ask your gf to share her requirement for the flat but did u ask her what she wants in the future? What does she want in a marriage?

If u r afraid of rejection in proposal and want to test water, I have another idea. Don't use BTO flat. Girls dun like to feel pressured to apply for flat and it can be stressful for her because applying and buying flat is a big life decision.

Instead u can be more relaxed and casual. Discuss with ur gf more things about marriage first and just ask her what she thinks about life together with u in future. Do both of u want children together, how many kids u both want together, etc. Just do normal talking.

Like that u can see her response, whether positive or negative towards u. If all positive and she look happy when talking about marrying u, then when u propose, u will feel more confident bcause u know what her answer will be.
 
fusyboy,

u are like the father who gives his son a choice of NUS, NTU, SMU. and then u ask your son what's wrong...
 
Except fusyboy isn't her father which makes it even weirder. She always the choice to choose someone else or not marry. The plain assumption shows a pure lack of respect and consideration of her true opinion.

TS just needs to have more basic EQ in the way he approach his gf lah.
 
milo, understand guys sure got fear ... but if a couple's been together and really planning a future already, den it should juz come naturally, no?

every guy sure nervous when it comes to proposing but its like, u haf to do/plan it to get e gal of ur dreams to marry u...

it's e way e TS phrase it... he needs to noe e gal will say yes before he will actually pop e qn which makes me feel it's realli a lack of sincerity... anyway dat's only my opinion...
 
Ehhh...I think you are scared of breaking your heart, so don't want to outrightly ask but try to 'test the waters'. Then she also don't tell you outright why she's not interested in looking at BTO flat. Alamak, why u2 communicate like tat? Even if you propose and she agree and you guys become happily married, this problem will come back to haunt both of u in the future! Annivesary gifts la, birthdays, etc...sure to have lots of unhappiness because nobody dares to tell the truth. Can't both of you be more frank and talk straight? Be brave la!
 
haha. i guess only singaporean propose with flats bah.
comm'on! wat ur gf said is truth. bto takes years & nobody know wat will happen within this few years.
probly u din show or assure her tat ur love for her is deep & u want to marry her & spend rest of ur life w her.

some gals might want to get married earlier but tot the bf dun want. bcos the bf nv say anything abt getting married. so if ur gf fall under tis cat, then easier. just tel her u love her, want spend rest of life w her, want marry her. suggest getting a bto flat now so tat while waiting for it to build, u can save up for a memorable wedding ceremony for her.
 
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