Unreasonable behaviour from wife

[lonely_desire78]

I would love to have kids but looking at my previous marriage, I think it would be better not to have kids. The most innocent part would be the kid if the marriage is not out of love. Yes, there are times that I feel I am obligated. I gave allowance to my ex-wife for fear that we would quarrel endlessly. Money can be earned back but family harmony is more important. That is at least what I see in my parents' marriage and they have been married for more than 30 years. The difference is my mum cares for us, protect us and best of all, my father only gave allowance to her when he has money. That means not on a regular basis, unlike me. But my mum is ok. She would use her own money when my father ran out of money.

I am scare. I cry myself to sleep. I don't know what have I done wrong. I don't know why am I such a failure. I want to see a counsellor but I know they would not be able to help me, other than listen. I got no place to turn to. Now, there is a HDB in between and it gives me another headache. I would never buy HDB in joint name again. The best thing is to have single name. There would be no tussle, no confusion, no quarrelling. I just want peace. Joint name is scary. You want, she don't want. I don't want, she want. quarrel and quarrel...never ending...

Kids always end up suffering, if the marriage don't work out. Even if no divorce, it is still as bad when parents don't talk or fight all the time.

I can imagine that act of giving money bought "peace" or harmony in the family. Counsellor can't do much. Their purpose is more as a mediator. Ultimately, still gotta depend on yourself.

The unfortunate thing is that you cannot learn enough of a person during a relationship. Its like trying to do a painting of Mona Lisa with the original art work by your side, plus your eyes blind folded. HDB MOP is a headache too. Things will improve somehow. Just keep going.

 

[lonely_desire78]

It is never possible to detect what is wrong before marriage. How would I even know how she would react after her dad passes away? I can't wish him to pass away too when we are still dating. How would I know that she still prefers to stay with her mum after her dad passes away when we agreed that her mum can move in to stay with us when it happens? Even my ex-MIL agreed to this arrangement but things become different when reality sets in. How would I even know that she does not want to work and just want to take money from me without contributing to the family when she does not take a single cent from me when we are dating?

Dating and marriage are two different processes. The expectations are different too. Sadly, your case is like one where expectations are not made clear.

You are right. No one would know during the dating process. Since its history, learn from it. I'm sure many others went through the same. Unclear about the expectations from the other half. Also, be careful that some expectations are implied or unsaid. It can be frustrating that these can form obligations which you have to fulfil. Quite unfortunate is that even if you are unaware of the expectations, you are still expected to fulfil them. Ironic, but true.

Just to share that marriage is dynamic. What one person thinks at one time may change in another. To quote one chap, "Man marries woman hoping that she will not change, but she changes. Woman marries man hoping that he will change, but he does not."

Its silly. Unfortunately, a relationship (including marriage) includes both internal and external hurdles. Our 2nd biggest hurdle is our other half, while the biggest is ourselves. We can't manage and control how others behave, but we can certainly make changes to ourselves to manage others. Not the easiest to do.

Be clear about your future and move on.

 

[uglydude]

I still think that if u are smart...u dun get married..if the woman threaten to leave...let her go.....there is always others ready to take her place.....u can have kids even without marriage....end of the day why sign on the dotted line when it is unfair towards men.

There is really nothing u can do once both of you are married....you can whined here and cursed everyday....but end of the day men will always lose out in the event of a divorce....Equality = no marriage at least in singapore.

 

[miloice]

Every single person differs. I find the entire bashing pointless. My point is, we will all go through different episodes in life and will evolve with it, it isn't something specific to gender. The passing of a parent doesn't render the ignoring of our spouse's feelings. Frankly, verysadguy, your wife shows completely no consideration about you. As much as we tend to paint a picture that people just suddenly change, often, we just fail to pick up all the signs until its too late. What is quite clear already from all the defensive questions you raised, that the communication isn't that great all the while. The connectivity and trust isn't really there to begin with. Many speak about marriage and courtship being completely 2 different things, this is precisely why it is different. They treat them very differently. With a true soul mate, marriage is another phase that you go through together. The connectivity doesn't stop. Everything is completely dynamic which is why you need to be talking all the time to learn and grow together. When a couple grows apart, it doesn't happen overnight.

Life_is story is more about in laws and wife that is deceptive to begin with. He could either be a really gullible 'fat sheep' or bad luck to face with a really pro gold digger. Still, it doesn't render the bashing of all women.

 

[life_is]

Every single person differs. I find the entire bashing pointless. My point is, we will all go through different episodes in life and will evolve with it, it isn't something specific to gender. The passing of a parent doesn't render the ignoring of our spouse's feelings. Frankly, verysadguy, your wife shows completely no consideration about you. As much as we tend to paint a picture that people just suddenly change, often, we just fail to pick up all the signs until its too late. What is quite clear already from all the defensive questions you raised, that the communication isn't that great all the while. The connectivity and trust isn't really there to begin with. Many speak about marriage and courtship being completely 2 different things, this is precisely why it is different. They treat them very differently. With a true soul mate, marriage is another phase that you go through together. The connectivity doesn't stop. Everything is completely dynamic which is why you need to be talking all the time to learn and grow together. When a couple grows apart, it doesn't happen overnight.

Life_is story is more about in laws and wife that is deceptive to begin with. He could either be a really gullible 'fat sheep' or bad luck to face with a really pro gold digger. Still, it doesn't render the bashing of all women.

My case is really bad luck to have this kind of in laws and wife, as there was no way to know their true colours before marriage. Not sure who my wife is anymore when I realised many things they said were lies, after verifying with others. Always got excuses to justify whatever atrocious things they do. Never wrong in their case, even when the majority of people I asked said they got serious problem. Only can wait for their karma to hit them hard in the face, and hope that I am around to see it.

Advice to people trying to get married - make your vows in a well known temple, church, mosque or sacred place. Most people who have a religion will think twice about starting a sham marriage, as the guilt will kill them slowly and painfully. Works extremely well against liars.

 

[miloice]

life_is,
things cannot be undone. So, gotta bite the bullet and move on. yah?

One thing I do note,
you guys married and you went overseas for some years. Many things could happen during that period dude. I would think the plan to cheat you from a marriage seems quite unrealistic as a biz plan given she is a local and in no need for your citizenship. You didn't inherit any wealth and clearly quite broke with her basically bearing most of the housing loan.

Sorry to blow your theory but it seems much more of a gf that got tied down by her pregnancy and feeling resentful having to manage it herself while you pursue your education. By the time you return, she with the blessing of her family have already deciding and plotting for divorce, determined to leave. When people comes to the point of break up with strong resentments against their partner, self preservation and interests is the natural behavior. Yes, she is probably not being truthful now and full of lies, that's all part of her plan to get back what she perceive she deserves. Your interests is not something that she is worried about at all.

If you take steps back to look at the whole thing, you have a woman that wants out and is going to use the law to her best advantage. What you shared about her bearing grudges against your folks of some incidents shows how resentful she is. She doesn't let go and she wants to get back at you. You are at the losing end of it. It sucks but reality hurts.

Advice to people trying to get married - make your vows in a well known temple, church, mosque or sacred place. Most people who have a religion will think twice about starting a sham marriage, as the guilt will kill them slowly and painfully. Works extremely well against liars.

Unfortunately, for those really hard core liars that are all out to cheat, conscience is already gone. If it works so well for your wife and in law, it further suggests that they are just average human and not some monsters.

 

[life_is]

Silly to take leap of faith for this kind of woman. End of the day her mother kept interfering to make our lives miserable. All my friends had wives flying halfway round the world with infants to be with their husband. Mine only cared about herself. Which man wants to be married for years and not living with wife for years, and separated from kids for years? End of the day, not appreciated. They just wanted money.

 

[npyl]

I agree with Miloice's theory because I have been in your wife's position minus the pregnancy.

My husband was overseas for 3 years for his study. I was in SG all these while. I am really envious when I see others with their partners and I have to manage everything myself. I would visit his family myself, go for CNY visiting (his family side) by myself. When I need him the most, he was not around. When I need his advice for certain things, he was not around.

Didnt get to talk to him much cos he was always busy. Yes...he was not having a good time overseas as well but I am neither having a nice time here. Resentment? Of cos there are. And I am sure there are more with your wife cos she has to go through the pregnancy by herself. She has to manage all the discomfort by herself. Imagine how she would feel when she visit the gynae all alone and watching other ladies having their husband by their side.

Her family is feeling the resentment as well. If this happens to your daughter, how would you feel as her dad?

My point here is to look at things from her point of view and understand why things came to such a situation and let go and move on without carrying anger that she is a lier and she plotted from the begining. I guess she plotted when she has enough and determined to move on.

 

[verysadguy]

Silly to take leap of faith for this kind of woman. End of the day her mother kept interfering to make our lives miserable. All my friends had wives flying halfway round the world with infants to be with their husband. Mine only cared about herself. Which man wants to be married for years and not living with wife for years, and separated from kids for years? End of the day, not appreciated. They just wanted money.

Same as me. ex-MIL calls again. Keeps on rushing to sell HDB flat at cheap price when it is supposed to be valued higher and it is only the first buyer and she keeps on pressing me to sell to him. I still have a one year time frame to sell the flat. Tell me, am I wrong? My flat is high floor and windy and unblocked view and buyer should offer it higher. If the flat is sold higher, it is good for both of us. Did I do it wrong? Communication is futile and she just wants everyone to listen to her...

See...divorced already still got more problems. No one understands me...

 

[lonely_desire78]

Same as me. ex-MIL calls again. Keeps on rushing to sell HDB flat at cheap price when it is supposed to be valued higher and it is only the first buyer and she keeps on pressing me to sell to him. I still have a one year time frame to sell the flat. Tell me, am I wrong? My flat is high floor and windy and unblocked view and buyer should offer it higher. If the flat is sold higher, it is good for both of us. Did I do it wrong? Communication is futile and she just wants everyone to listen to her...

See...divorced already still got more problems. No one understands me...

Tahan. You will get through it. Its one of those problems which will pass in time.

Do you know that the decision still lies in your hands? She can only pressure you, but can't point a gun at you. Not bad already.

One of those MIL I know is quite the same. When she couldn't get what she want, she keep pressuring the daughter. If still cannot, pressure the son in law. End of the day, decision making is not lying with the in-laws. In laws can only whack and make lots of noise. Its whether you choose to listen wholesale or listen selectively. You can't change what they want to say, but surely you can decide what you want to hear.

 

[uglydude]

Now that you have divorce her....your life is back into ur own hand...last thing u want is for your life to be further dictated by her....

 

[verysadguy]

Tahan. You will get through it. Its one of those problems which will pass in time.

Do you know that the decision still lies in your hands? She can only pressure you, but can't point a gun at you. Not bad already.

One of those MIL I know is quite the same. When she couldn't get what she want, she keep pressuring the daughter. If still cannot, pressure the son in law. End of the day, decision making is not lying with the in-laws. In laws can only whack and make lots of noise. Its whether you choose to listen wholesale or listen selectively. You can't change what they want to say, but surely you can decide what you want to hear.

She has always been the same from past till now. It reaches up to a point that I jump when my phone rings. Yes, I literally jump. She would call during office hours, call after office hours and after every few minutes, persistent in what she wants. Yes, she is very free as she is not working but I am working. I don't want to appear rude by not picking up the phone but at same time, when I picked up the phone, she would use her pressuring tactics again. I am worried about all these frightening tactic.

She would use "She is old. She has high blood pressure, diabetes and a lot of illness". I am scare. I don't want her to fall ill but at the same time, I don't think it is fair to me and my ex-wife but the problem is my ex-wife only listens to her. I told my own mum but she told me to stick to what I want. Did I do it wrong? I just want to be fair to both parties. It reaches a point that the HDB officer is scare of her, the lawyer assistant is scare of her, the property agent is scare of her but she does not seem to know what is wrong with her. I cannot talk logic with her. Soft tactic, hard tactic, all I use before.

 

[verysadguy]

Now that you have divorce her....your life is back into ur own hand...last thing u want is for your life to be further dictated by her....

I tell you it's not easy. Let's say you don't like to eat orange and MIL wants you to eat orange. She would call you every minute to tell you that you should eat orange. She does not care whether you are in a meeting, busy doing your work. She would just want you to agreed with her but she would cover it as though it is a mutual consent. How would it be a mutual consent when you say you don't want but she keeps on calling to tell you that you should want?

 

[uglydude]

You can always put ur phone on silence mode rite? U are giving in too much to her...tat's why she is taking advantage of u....u got to make a stand somewhere......

U need to give a firm NO....a lot of local guys i know keep on giving in...thinking that is loving and dotting on their gfs....but in actual fact this is only spoiling them....

There is really nothing she can do if u refuse to do what she forced u to do....especially when u are already divorce from her....

 

[life_is]

I agree with Miloice's theory because I have been in your wife's position minus the pregnancy.

My husband was overseas for 3 years for his study. I was in SG all these while. I am really envious when I see others with their partners and I have to manage everything myself. I would visit his family myself, go for CNY visiting (his family side) by myself. When I need him the most, he was not around. When I need his advice for certain things, he was not around.

Didnt get to talk to him much cos he was always busy. Yes...he was not having a good time overseas as well but I am neither having a nice time here. Resentment? Of cos there are. And I am sure there are more with your wife cos she has to go through the pregnancy by herself. She has to manage all the discomfort by herself. Imagine how she would feel when she visit the gynae all alone and watching other ladies having their husband by their side.

Her family is feeling the resentment as well. If this happens to your daughter, how would you feel as her dad?

My point here is to look at things from her point of view and understand why things came to such a situation and let go and move on without carrying anger that she is a lier and she plotted from the begining. I guess she plotted when she has enough and determined to move on.

One important point. We could afford to stay overseas together, which all my friends did with their wives and children. Just have to make certain sacrifices that she was not prepared to do. Decisions always made by her parents, even if it is bad for the marriage. I didn't choose to let her deal with it alone. She made those decisions without me, then turned around to blame me.

 

[life_is]

Tahan. You will get through it. Its one of those problems which will pass in time.

Do you know that the decision still lies in your hands? She can only pressure you, but can't point a gun at you. Not bad already.

One of those MIL I know is quite the same. When she couldn't get what she want, she keep pressuring the daughter. If still cannot, pressure the son in law. End of the day, decision making is not lying with the in-laws. In laws can only whack and make lots of noise. Its whether you choose to listen wholesale or listen selectively. You can't change what they want to say, but surely you can decide what you want to hear.

Decision making lies with the couple only if the wife and husband are on the same side. Unfortunately not for my case.

 

[life_is]

She has always been the same from past till now. It reaches up to a point that I jump when my phone rings. Yes, I literally jump. She would call during office hours, call after office hours and after every few minutes, persistent in what she wants. Yes, she is very free as she is not working but I am working. I don't want to appear rude by not picking up the phone but at same time, when I picked up the phone, she would use her pressuring tactics again. I am worried about all these frightening tactic.

She would use "She is old. She has high blood pressure, diabetes and a lot of illness". I am scare. I don't want her to fall ill but at the same time, I don't think it is fair to me and my ex-wife but the problem is my ex-wife only listens to her. I told my own mum but she told me to stick to what I want. Did I do it wrong? I just want to be fair to both parties. It reaches a point that the HDB officer is scare of her, the lawyer assistant is scare of her, the property agent is scare of her but she does not seem to know what is wrong with her. I cannot talk logic with her. Soft tactic, hard tactic, all I use before.

Better just ignore her.

 

[life_is]

I tell you it's not easy. Let's say you don't like to eat orange and MIL wants you to eat orange. She would call you every minute to tell you that you should eat orange. She does not care whether you are in a meeting, busy doing your work. She would just want you to agreed with her but she would cover it as though it is a mutual consent. How would it be a mutual consent when you say you don't want but she keeps on calling to tell you that you should want?

I feel the same bro. Everything I eat at in laws in dictated.

 

[Hanjin]

My heart breaks to read all the sad stories here about psychopathic spouses ( wives, in particular) and in laws. I hope what I have read is not one sided. However, if what you all had written were true, I am all for you guys getting out of such a toxic relationship.

Lest you guys think women are all out to cheat their men in a marriage, let me assure you that there are still healthy marriages around. I am a woman and I have been married for more than 2 decades. I do not stop my hubby from seeing his mum. In fact, I have lived with my ML for as long as I have been married until recently. Now that ML is old and frail, I help my hubby to take care of her by taking her to her medical appointments. It will be a lie to say that I like her as my own mum but hey, the day I made a commitment to marry my hubby, his family problems are mine as well. Besides, can I bear to see a frail old woman, who has difficulty walking, going for her medical appointments all by herself? Love is an act of will.

I earn my own keep and contribute financially to the household as well. I enjoy my work and keeps me mentally active. And although my parents are long gone, I know they would not interfere in my marriage if they were still alive. We had no children and at one stage, were in the process of adopting one. My spouse and I had discussed beforehand that should his mum interfere in any way in the adoption or treat the child differently, we are going to tell her off. We would never allow anyone to harm our marriage especially if they are unreasonable, parents or not.

I don't check my hubby's handphone at all. He is free to meet his friends, male or female. If it is a female friend and one to one meeting (usually very old friends and I know them as well), he will take the initiative to inform me beforehand. Likewise for me (but less so for me as my industry is female dominated).

As we approach our 50s, there are going to be many more challenges when frail health sets in. Already we have a few health scares in the last 2 years and as we ourselves aged, it is going to be even more challenging to have to take care of ML as well. We have walked so far in our journey as husband and wife and I believe we can do so 'till death do us part".

 

[verysadguy]

My heart breaks to read all the sad stories here about psychopathic spouses ( wives, in particular) and in laws. I hope what I have read is not one sided. However, if what you all had written were true, I am all for you guys getting out of such a toxic relationship.

Lest you guys think women are all out to cheat their men in a marriage, let me assure you that there are still healthy marriages around. I am a woman and I have been married for more than 2 decades. I do not stop my hubby from seeing his mum. In fact, I have lived with my ML for as long as I have been married until recently. Now that ML is old and frail, I help my hubby to take care of her by taking her to her medical appointments. It will be a lie to say that I like her as my own mum but hey, the day I made a commitment to marry my hubby, his family problems are mine as well. Besides, can I bear to see a frail old woman, who has difficulty walking, going for her medical appointments all by herself? Love is an act of will.

I earn my own keep and contribute financially to the household as well. I enjoy my work and keeps me mentally active. And although my parents are long gone, I know they would not interfere in my marriage if they were still alive. We had no children and at one stage, were in the process of adopting one. My spouse and I had discussed beforehand that should his mum interfere in any way in the adoption or treat the child differently, we are going to tell her off. We would never allow anyone to harm our marriage especially if they are unreasonable, parents or not.

I don't check my hubby's handphone at all. He is free to meet his friends, male or female. If it is a female friend and one to one meeting (usually very old friends and I know them as well), he will take the initiative to inform me beforehand. Likewise for me (but less so for me as my industry is female dominated).

As we approach our 50s, there are going to be many more challenges when frail health sets in. Already we have a few health scares in the last 2 years and as we ourselves aged, it is going to be even more challenging to have to take care of ML as well. We have walked so far in our journey as husband and wife and I believe we can do so 'till death do us part".

I believe that if you are approaching 50s, you belong to an older generation of woman who would stay by his spouse whatever things maybe. My parents are also close to your generation and they are already approaching 70s. Unfortunately, the new generation of woman (those <35) does not think this way and this is what happens here.

 

[Hanjin]

I think I am different from my parents' generation where the woman will remain in a toxic marriage no matter what. They would also defer to their in laws even if the inlaws are unreasonable. Not for me. I will tell my ML how I feel if her behavior upsets me ( usually over cleanliness and hygiene in the house) but in a manner that is respectful. I don't believe in suppressing my feelings until one fine day it explodes.

I have many friends in their early 30s who are happily married. They don't control their spouses nor prevent them from making contact with their parents. In my family, I do have a sister in law who 'protects her own turf' fiercely meaning she takes care of my brother and their children very well but will not go the extra mile to initiate contact with us but that is fine with us. I have yet to come across psychopathic wives and in laws except in this forum.

I am very curious as to whether there are no warning signs of such behavior before marriage? The way in which a person treats others such as service staff and cleaners or gives up seats for others in trains speaks volume about her or him. Her interests and hobbies also gives us some clues. Or in general, when she opens her mouth, what comes out.

 

[miloice]

Well... about the orange analogy, seems it is the way the older generation seem to communicate. I see alot of that in both mother and mother in law.

 

[verysadguy]

I think I am different from my parents' generation where the woman will remain in a toxic marriage no matter what. They would also defer to their in laws even if the inlaws are unreasonable. Not for me. I will tell my ML how I feel if her behavior upsets me ( usually over cleanliness and hygiene in the house) but in a manner that is respectful. I don't believe in suppressing my feelings until one fine day it explodes.

I have many friends in their early 30s who are happily married. They don't control their spouses nor prevent them from making contact with their parents. In my family, I do have a sister in law who 'protects her own turf' fiercely meaning she takes care of my brother and their children very well but will not go the extra mile to initiate contact with us but that is fine with us. I have yet to come across psychopathic wives and in laws except in this forum.

I am very curious as to whether there are no warning signs of such behavior before marriage? The way in which a person treats others such as service staff and cleaners or gives up seats for others in trains speaks volume about her or him. Her interests and hobbies also gives us some clues. Or in general, when she opens her mouth, what comes out.

If I can see it, I would be able to predict the first prize 4D number that would come out tonight. I really have no idea why people keep on saying that you would know the person before marriage. It is akin to trying to predict 4D numbers in 2015. What is important in a marriage is two people willing to stay together and committed to staying together. All behaviours before marriage are nothing but just one measure that can change over time.

I am also a person who respectfully disagree with my in-laws if I don't find them right but guess what, my ex-wife told me to listen to her mum and that her mum is always right. A very simple example. I sweat a lot and I like the house to be bright but my ex-MIL asks us to put up mosquito net around the house and on the windows, just like her own house. If there are a lot of mosquitoes, I would not mind but the problem is there are no mosquitoes and putting up mosquitoes net would severely restrict the air flow in the house. There is also the inconvenience in taking out the clothes to dry.

I try to be rational and explain my situation but it does not help and soon, we would quarrel again.

 

[uglydude]

The problem with marriage nowadays...is the woman charter is totally one sided...it never address on men that are being abused.....so why take risk...definitely there are nice women out there....but with the risk involved...is it worth it if the wife turns out unreasonable....

 

[Hanjin]

Verysadguy, no use reasoning with control freaks because they will not listen to any reasons. Best to cut your losses and move on. Interestingly, a few of my nieces and nephews who are in their 30s , have also sworn off marriage as they have a pretty negative view of marriage, especially my nephew, who has also said he will stand to lose out if the marriage fails.

 

[verysadguy]

Verysadguy, no use reasoning with control freaks because they will not listen to any reasons. Best to cut your losses and move on. Interestingly, a few of my nieces and nephews who are in their 30s , have also sworn off marriage as they have a pretty negative view of marriage, especially my nephew, who has also said he will stand to lose out if the marriage fails.

Precisely! I use to think that whatever problems that we have, we can talk it out but the reality is much different. There are some people which you cannot talk reason with and worse, they would hit you if they don't get what they want. Another example. To get what she wants, my ex-wife would throw the home phone on the floor. Is that the right way to solve problems? I lost the number of times that I have bought a new phone for replacement and worse, my ex-wife does not want to pay a single cent for the phone that she has destroyed by throwing on the ground. The reason for throwing: conflicting views. Her mum would call to ask her to drink milk every night and she claims that she would become very unhealthy and die early if she does not do so.

However, my rationale is that there is no need to drink milk every night as it would just make you fatter since milk is high in cholesterol. So with two conflicting views, she gone angry and threw the phone on the ground. And note that I am the one who prepares the milk for her to drink every night. She does not want to make the milk herself. You can imagine how tiring it is to cook her dinner, make her milk, wash her clothes everyday and I am working, she is not working. She is already in her 30s and yet does not even how to do all these things herself. She is used to her mum doing all these things for her but when you grew up, you should have learned to do all these things yourself especially when you are married. What's more. She does not want to learn.

 

[Hanjin]

Your wife sounds like the young toddlers I used to work with. At this age, they lack self help skills and social skills to get along with others but it is acceptable as their behavior is normal for their age. We call it developmentally appropriate. This same behavior at age 30 plus would be considered as abnormal. In a marriage it will be considered as unreasonable behavior?

 

[uglydude]

The problem with most Singapore guys out there is that they are constantly led by the nose by their partners.....so end up getting abused....and the worse part is they think it is some sort of chivalry deed when they pamper their ladies...but in actual fact they are spoiling them.......especially the types that help women carry their bags....which we can commonly see in the street nowadays....

 

[miloice]

The problem with most Singapore guys out there is that they are constantly led by the nose by their partners.....so end up getting abused....and the worse part is they think it is some sort of chivalry deed when they pamper their ladies...but in actual fact they are spoiling them.......especially the types that help women carry their bags....which we can commonly see in the street nowadays....

there is a difference between pampering and spoiling them. Most ladies enjoy some pampering from their partners. When the guy doesn't know how to manage it and spoils their partners, then both parties have responsibilities here. With most abuse relationships, its always 2 to tango, the common and very stupid reason given, they giving in with the belief and hope that their partners would appreciate and change. Changes happen when they progressively reflect and learn. No one learns when they are spoilt. Take some responsibility here. The woman for the princessy mentality and for the guys for not managing it, not realizing that that he is growing that expectation and appetite there.

One thing that I would disagree, helping with the bags doesn't mean anything at all. Some stereo typing here. It is very quick to come with conclusions with that simple act, be it prawn peeling or helping with a bag. My late uncle came with that conclusion when he saw me helped my wife then gf with her hangbag. He was that MCP that his sons hated beyond his own grave and his own wife had enough of. Expectations management in the relationship is beyond the simple act of bag carrying. I can pamper my wife in many ways but would pull away whenever it is not appreciated or taken for granted. Every minor thing that we do more for our partners, is only valuable when it is cherish, when it is not useful, why do it? When things are cheapen and devalued, defeats the intent for it. We have no issue to point out and correct each other over wrong expectations. Relationships is a dance, both play a part to keep the balance. When we reflect and take responsibilities, we can become better partners with our spouse, able to dote on them without being abused. Of cos, the most important part will also be the selection, someone compatible and willing. If your partner isn't even going tango with u, the dance will never be realized.

 

[miloice]

it is an art to derive the most satisfaction from simple acts of affection for each other. It needs to be callibrated differently for every couple. Just giving in, will surely screw things up. Most people do not realize what and when they really need. A happy working relationship is one that the couple found this channel. Those that struggle with it, will fight all the time over it.

Also, some people are just not suited for relationships, they simply lack basic respect, empathy for anyone, including their spouses. Some will eventually learn but others will always perceive themselves as the perfect princesses with bad luck to meet loser husbands. Likewise, many men are like this as well. Failure to reflect.

 

[life_is]

My heart breaks to read all the sad stories here about psychopathic spouses ( wives, in particular) and in laws. I hope what I have read is not one sided. However, if what you all had written were true, I am all for you guys getting out of such a toxic relationship.

Lest you guys think women are all out to cheat their men in a marriage, let me assure you that there are still healthy marriages around. I am a woman and I have been married for more than 2 decades. I do not stop my hubby from seeing his mum. In fact, I have lived with my ML for as long as I have been married until recently. Now that ML is old and frail, I help my hubby to take care of her by taking her to her medical appointments. It will be a lie to say that I like her as my own mum but hey, the day I made a commitment to marry my hubby, his family problems are mine as well. Besides, can I bear to see a frail old woman, who has difficulty walking, going for her medical appointments all by herself? Love is an act of will.

I earn my own keep and contribute financially to the household as well. I enjoy my work and keeps me mentally active. And although my parents are long gone, I know they would not interfere in my marriage if they were still alive. We had no children and at one stage, were in the process of adopting one. My spouse and I had discussed beforehand that should his mum interfere in any way in the adoption or treat the child differently, we are going to tell her off. We would never allow anyone to harm our marriage especially if they are unreasonable, parents or not.

I don't check my hubby's handphone at all. He is free to meet his friends, male or female. If it is a female friend and one to one meeting (usually very old friends and I know them as well), he will take the initiative to inform me beforehand. Likewise for me (but less so for me as my industry is female dominated).

As we approach our 50s, there are going to be many more challenges when frail health sets in. Already we have a few health scares in the last 2 years and as we ourselves aged, it is going to be even more challenging to have to take care of ML as well. We have walked so far in our journey as husband and wife and I believe we can do so 'till death do us part".

The only way to make my wife and in laws learn is for the in laws' own son to suffer exactly the same fate as I did. Unreasonable manipulative people will never feel any pain until they get it themselves.

Problems if the spouse is married to the parents. They will never be on the side of marriage and will always blame you for everything. Worse is when they get their relatives to hear only one side of the story so the relatives come to blame you too. And there is nothing anyone can do to satisfy this kind of spouse. They deserve to be alone until death, and should never get married to ruin other peoples' lives.

Marriage rates in Singapore is doomed to fail if women continue to abuse it. And we should gather all the men together to petition for change, to make it a fair system that metes out punishment for not taking it seriously. Or just find ways around the system to prevent abuse by women e.g. never getting married and just cohabit forever. Already happening in America with many cases of manipulative behaviour. Won't be surprised to see similar trends here if there is nothing done to balance the system.