Unreasonable behaviour from wife

[life_is]

I was studying overseas for a few years while married, and just came back recently. Married for more than 3 years, with kid almost 2 years old.

As I am younger than my wife, it was pretty much a rush into marriage and having a kid, as I was worried about the health risks involved. Obviously I had much lesser savings (having lost 2.5 years' income to NS), so I could only pay so much for the flat. No CPF, and could only contribute with cash. She had to fork out her savings to buy an overpriced HDB flat, despite my objections to it, and has been paying mortgage with her CPF, with cash top-up from me. I basically spent all my money flying back for admin and family time, furniture and related expenses with regards to buying gifts for her and our child every now and then, with cash pumped into a joint account all the time to pay for bills. Basically told her she was free to use my money as she likes. Offered quite a few times when I had some savings to pay for flat, but she always refused. Have almost no savings at all because I spent almost everything I had for this family.

She does not like my parents at all because of some bad incidents in the past, and she is still holding grudges. I don't see my parents much, and both sides' parents don't get along.

I am back in Singapore, waiting to start work. She said initially that the flat was not in a good condition, and made me spend thousands on some renovations works to replace old and worn out parts of the flat. Our kid has been staying with her at her parents' all this time, which has been acceptable, since I was away most of the time. While doing the renovation, it was fine not to have young children around due to dust. She told me before the renovation that three of us can stay together once the renovation is done. Now that the renovation is almost done, she refused to move in, saying that I snore, she has to work, and its more convenient to stay with her parents. How is that even a marriage? And it was her mum who told me that it is fine to stay away from each other and she can come over for weekends with our kid. As a result, I have to go over to the in-laws everyday to see my kid, with no time for my parents, and totally zero marriage life! How is that even a marriage? This decision told to me by her mum, and I was expected to accept it as it is. I feel totally outnumbered, and see no reason why I should have to put up with such an unreasonable situation.

Fact is, whenever I am around, she does not talk to me at all. Her phone is much more interesting to her, and she either talks to me over the phone or through instant messaging. When it comes to decisions, I always get the raw end of the deal, no discussion, no negotiation. Thought about it for a while, and told her I wanted a divorce. She said fine, go ahead, but she wants full custody of our child and the flat to herself, and tried to make me move out. When I told her there are heavy penalties for MOP, she said I should wait until she is 35, then divorce her and give her the flat. How is that even fair? Please advise me if she is simply marrying for money, and if I am just a sperm bank to her. She has been very rude to me all this time, deliberately ignoring me and then forcing me to give in to increasingly unreasonable demands, so that she can own the flat and have the kid all to herself. I don't remember the last time we had a proper conversation, and it seems that every decision that involves this marriage is the decision of her parents, and I am simply to accept everything they demand. And as for money, it seems that right at the start, they had this planned so as to reap maximum benefits out of divorce, by first making me buy a flat, then using my money for all other possible expenses, then dumping me for huge profits. Fact is, the law in Singapore requires that men pay alimony, so I stand to lose everything by marrying her in the first place. Please advise me as to what I can do to make the divorce a fair one.

 

[uglydude]

Who ask you so stupid sign on the dotted line and be bound by woman charter....it is obvious that she is making full use of u.....find a lawyer get a divorce and salvage as much as u can...and next time dun be so stupid to sign on the dotted line again...

 

[verysadguy]

I was studying overseas for a few years while married, and just came back recently. Married for more than 3 years, with kid almost 2 years old.

As I am younger than my wife, it was pretty much a rush into marriage and having a kid, as I was worried about the health risks involved. Obviously I had much lesser savings (having lost 2.5 years' income to NS), so I could only pay so much for the flat. No CPF, and could only contribute with cash. She had to fork out her savings to buy an overpriced HDB flat, despite my objections to it, and has been paying mortgage with her CPF, with cash top-up from me. I basically spent all my money flying back for admin and family time, furniture and related expenses with regards to buying gifts for her and our child every now and then, with cash pumped into a joint account all the time to pay for bills. Basically told her she was free to use my money as she likes. Offered quite a few times when I had some savings to pay for flat, but she always refused. Have almost no savings at all because I spent almost everything I had for this family.

She does not like my parents at all because of some bad incidents in the past, and she is still holding grudges. I don't see my parents much, and both sides' parents don't get along.

I am back in Singapore, waiting to start work. She said initially that the flat was not in a good condition, and made me spend thousands on some renovations works to replace old and worn out parts of the flat. Our kid has been staying with her at her parents' all this time, which has been acceptable, since I was away most of the time. While doing the renovation, it was fine not to have young children around due to dust. She told me before the renovation that three of us can stay together once the renovation is done. Now that the renovation is almost done, she refused to move in, saying that I snore, she has to work, and its more convenient to stay with her parents. How is that even a marriage? And it was her mum who told me that it is fine to stay away from each other and she can come over for weekends with our kid. As a result, I have to go over to the in-laws everyday to see my kid, with no time for my parents, and totally zero marriage life! How is that even a marriage? This decision told to me by her mum, and I was expected to accept it as it is. I feel totally outnumbered, and see no reason why I should have to put up with such an unreasonable situation.

Fact is, whenever I am around, she does not talk to me at all. Her phone is much more interesting to her, and she either talks to me over the phone or through instant messaging. When it comes to decisions, I always get the raw end of the deal, no discussion, no negotiation. Thought about it for a while, and told her I wanted a divorce. She said fine, go ahead, but she wants full custody of our child and the flat to herself, and tried to make me move out. When I told her there are heavy penalties for MOP, she said I should wait until she is 35, then divorce her and give her the flat. How is that even fair? Please advise me if she is simply marrying for money, and if I am just a sperm bank to her. She has been very rude to me all this time, deliberately ignoring me and then forcing me to give in to increasingly unreasonable demands, so that she can own the flat and have the kid all to herself. I don't remember the last time we had a proper conversation, and it seems that every decision that involves this marriage is the decision of her parents, and I am simply to accept everything they demand. And as for money, it seems that right at the start, they had this planned so as to reap maximum benefits out of divorce, by first making me buy a flat, then using my money for all other possible expenses, then dumping me for huge profits. Fact is, the law in Singapore requires that men pay alimony, so I stand to lose everything by marrying her in the first place. Please advise me as to what I can do to make the divorce a fair one.

Very sad to hear this from you. I experience the same thing minus away the kids. I gave whatever I have to her and the final outcome is just divorce. She did not feel any way sad to end the marriage. I am writing with tears in my eyes whilst packing my things since the flat has to be sold. Men are at the short end of any marriage. The only way to make the divorce a fair one is to engage a lawyer. A contested divorce is extremely expensive but looking at the way you wrote, there does not seem to be another option. Good luck. I am just out of a bad marriage as well....

 

[uglydude]

Another dumb oaf to suffer the injustice of the woman charter....be smart next time and maintain a relationship...but dun ever sign on the dotted line again...u have a long long road ahead of you to rebuild everything that you lose to ur ex wife....

 

[mia97]

Seriously, from what you had wrote, I think is best that you and your wife divorced since you had also mention how unhappy and how much you had sacrifice for the marriage while she had been not thoughtful and reasonable in the marriage. Singapore law protect women and since while you are overseas for that 2 years, is most unlikely that the child custody would go to her, if lucky enough, under shared custody. For the flat, if you both had stay for a minimum period of 5 years den you are able to sell and the percentage each of you get, needs to be decided and agreed by both of you. If you both can't come to a conclusion, then you got to engage a lawyer. And 1 more point, if she demand child custody from you, you had no choice but to give her depend on your allowance,salary and expenses. Hopefully you deal with it fast and smooth.good luck!

 

[life_is]

Thanks for the advice. I think the law needs to protect both genders equally to prevent such abuse, but there isn't any law to protect men from being exploited. I went in with faith and trust and gave all I had to give, and all I get is just pain, separation from my own parents, my own kid, and nothing I can do to save the marriage.

 

[hitori]

It is unfortunate that her parents are as self centred as her. I recalled my own situation when I moved into my ex partner house to stay for logistics and mother/child reason, more so for latter. My parents also ask me to come home & stay, no need stay there everyday with her and child, which I strongly disagree. Even when my brother was going through divorce, they begged me in tears to come back to stay and give emotional support, I refused to, even though I felt really bad inside. I think it is very obvious your wife and her family really self-centred and not Thinking right. Asking her to stay in the house even after married. A woman mostly will fight for the kid custody for emotional and $ reason.

If it is any consolation pal, just remember that you loved her unconditionally, and that speaks volume of your goodness. Move on but try not to have bitterness towards her, even If she has. It for your own betterment and emotion. Give your love to someone else who can appreciate. I am also trying to do what I am suggesting you to do now. Good luck
To the both of us..

You very good liao, kena call sperm bank, plural
Tense. I was called a sperm donor.. Singular tense. Sad
Man!!

 

[life_is]

Didn't know there is a similar case out there.

Did tell her I wanted to move on, since there is no effort to take the marriage seriously. Wonder what marriage vows are for. Maybe the laws need to change to prevent any form of abuse.

I'm sure men out there can understand how hard it is to be staying alone and faithful for years when married with children, denied of all the good parts of a marriage.

Moving on may be a reality. Just hoping I can have a clean cut-off from this marriage if it does not work out, and start a new family where there is mutual respect. At least I know that my ex-es regretted hurting me in the past when I was really good to them. Always giving everything I have in any relationship, with self sacrifice for the other's interests. Maybe that's dumb, but thats the way for me.

 

[sadman2009]

Seriously, I think you can try to find out if she is having an affair... Have a detective or what....
Then when you have got the prove, you can file for divorce and don't have to pay her anything ...
Since she seems to have no love for you now ... I'm suspecting something is wrong ...
Don't wait until you are 35 ...

 

[life_is]

Is there a way to obtain a court order? She is keeping me from our kid.

And no communication whatsoever. Cannot even negotiate terms for divorce. Real mature of her. Any advice as to whether I can get a legal document to get her to talk?

 

[adelene]

Seriously, I see similarity in my situation. You are not there with her when she needed you most. She depends on her parent all these times and the feeling for you have drifted? How long is it to her age of 35? Make use of these times to spend with her as a couple or as a family. Attend to her emotionally. Listen to her more, let her talk rather than be defensive. Woman likes to talk naturally. At this moment, if u still love her, spend daily with her. She din talk to you because whenever she want to talk, the communication ended in an agrument. This seems to be a cycle and it keeps repeating when both of you are locked. There is a lot of guessing game in here. Have you go for counseling? It can help u understand her better?

 

[uglydude]

Unfortunately...even if u manage to find out that she commit adultery and is able to prove it...u are still liable for alimony irregardless u like it or not....so prepare to burn a hole in ur wallet...

 

[life_is]

Went to pray and the Guan Yin says their family is deliberately doing this to get money without having to work for it. Should I believe what I saw?

She is almost 35. Just dragging it on to abuse the law. Refusing to talk. Why are there such abusive laws here to allow people to get away with such atrocities?

 

[illuzion]

Try praying to see if there is a way out of the situation? I think sometimes people do things for reasons that are weird/strange to us. Not sure what religion you are but it might be karmic, meaning you could have possibly caused such distress in the past life. Acknowledge that you may have done things to hurt her in past lives and forgive yourself then move on.

It seems you have been repeating a pattern with your wife and your ex-es. Figure out what the lesson to be learnt is. Every experience we have is a lesson for us to learn and grow from.

I like Quan Yin too. Keep praying and things will get better =)

 

[life_is]

Is there anyone who can advise on how to settle out of court?

Lesson learnt: listen to my parents' advice when they say a marriage is too rushed (they meant well knowing all the potential problems). Had faith in my soon to be ex wife's integrity but wished I knew her parents well before committing. Would have said hell no to marriage in hindsight, because I did break up with an ex when she was practically stuck to her mum. Knew what I wanted but didn't know what I signed up for.

 

[adelene]

There should be a way out of your situation. The courts are fair. You have to talk to your soon to be ex on the fair share in a calm environment with a calm tone. worst case, get the lawyer to fight for it. Of cos this means more money for lawyers. But having 2nd thought, u r the one who wanna divorce. She is just reciprocating to your action. Has she engaged a lawyer yet?

 

[hitori]

Save your $ on PI for evidence of 3rd party. That will only give reason for
The judge not to grant the divorce based on her accusations. The end result
Is prolonged court battle and bonus to the lawyers. The judge however will still try
To find reason, even if minute, to grant the split since both parties have come
So far already. Doesn't make sense to force the both to Be together unhappily.

Like what ugly dude mentioned, alimony still must pay. Ancillary &
Divorce are 2 separate & distinct issues. You may be able to use adultery evidence
To negotiate effectively only if the spouse wana divorce quickly, otherwise no difference.

 

[verysadguy]

Seriously, I see similarity in my situation. You are not there with her when she needed you most. She depends on her parent all these times and the feeling for you have drifted? How long is it to her age of 35? Make use of these times to spend with her as a couple or as a family. Attend to her emotionally. Listen to her more, let her talk rather than be defensive. Woman likes to talk naturally. At this moment, if u still love her, spend daily with her. She din talk to you because whenever she want to talk, the communication ended in an agrument. This seems to be a cycle and it keeps repeating when both of you are locked. There is a lot of guessing game in here. Have you go for counseling? It can help u understand her better?

I think this statement is wrong. I face the same situation as well and I have written in this forum many months ago. I want her to come back to our house but she is very reluctant. While I understand the death of her father has triggered her to be closer to her mum but it has been one year since the death of her father and she still does not want to come back. Even when she came back, she is always angry, frustrated, impatient.

She threw things around and broke our home phone, everyday cursing my parents who are still alive, repeating it every single day. I want to sleep as I need to work but she often made me unable to sleep by using blanket to cover my face when I am half asleep. She exclaimed:"Why are your parents still alive? Why can't they be dead?" I try to understand her but there is only so much that I can do. There are some things which one has to learn to overcome themselves. I know she is sad but death is something that you and I could not control and of course, I would not want it to happen as well. She does not want to work, does not want to take care of house, does not contribute a single cent to the family, everyday only listen to her mother when this is our house.

Though married, I felt that I am as good as been single. There is no way that we can communicate. She would see things as negative when I am just been positive. For example, when I am genuinely concern about her, she says that I want her to be dead. How to communicate when there are no trust involved? Same as life_is, I go against my parents' advice to marry early. Luckily, we have no kids. My only problem is to find a place to stay after the divorce.

 

[hitori]

Is she having some mental issue? Some people suffer depression after major trauma, like death of family member. Maybe she need to seek a psychiatrist?

 

[life_is]

adelene: Went to see my kid. Her mum tried not to let me touch my own kid! Not the first time she has done this. Unbelievable behaviour. If the environment was not this toxic I wouldn't be trying this hard to make my wife move back asap.

hitori: don't think there is 3rd party. The only third party is the in-laws who decide with her how to manage everything in this marriage. I am expected to follow instructions or face their wrath as I have this time round (not the first time).

verysadguy: My wife is very similar in this aspect except that she doesn't wish my parents dead. They don't seem to like it when I keep in touch with my own parents.

 

[verysadguy]

Is she having some mental issue? Some people suffer depression after major trauma, like death of family member. Maybe she need to seek a psychiatrist?

Not sure if you are referring to me. Yes, she has depression and OCD and she is on treatment and I was the one who urge her to go for treatment 4 years ago. However, the doctor has also said that she can only overcome her problems on her own. They can only give her medicine to eat. She does not want to go counselling. She does not want to look for any job which would at least help her integrates back to the society.

I know she is ill and I try very hard to care for her and take care of her but there is only so much I can do. I don't earn a lot but she wants more and more money from me every month without even stepping into our home. There was once when we meet up and I thought that is very good but guess what, she asks for money instead of been concern about our state of marriage. Is that how married couples should live? No care, no concern except money?

I have always asked myself if I am the one in the wrong but no matter which way I see, I don't see how I was wrong as a husband to her. Even her ex-colleagues has commented that I am a good husband. She does not want to buy food on her own and when I work OT, I have to rush back from work to buy dinner for her as I have no time to cook. How difficult it is for her to go down and buy dinner for herself when I am working and she is not working? She wants me to wake up early to cook noodles for her but she is not working and I am working. Couldn't I at least catch a few more hours of sleep especially when I cook for her every night when I am not working OT?

She told me that her mum can do all these things for her but her mum is not working and I am working. Is this logic hard to comprehend? When you are not working, of course you can do more things for the family. I need to earn to keep the family but I am doing both a husband and a wife's role. The only thing she does when she is unemployed is to wake up to surf the net and sleep.

 

[sadman2009]

I'm sorry but I have to say, in my personal opinion, that she doesn't love you neither does she want to walk down with you together in the road of life.
With someone who doesn't love you, my advise is to leave the person. No point putting in so much emotion in someone who doesn't love you and doesn't reciprocate. Give your short remaining life a chance... Of finding its own happiness.

 

[hitori]

Sad to hear this bro! If let say you had a long blissful marriage till she grow old with dementia, still can endure. In this case, do u see yourself as someone who continue giving without any reciprocation from her or mother? The answer will be clear & that will provide your direction.

Try to seek some spiritual fulfillment through your religion. It will give you some peace like what I am going through now. Take care bro!!!

 

[adelene]

adelene: Went to see my kid. Her mum tried not to let me touch my own kid! Not the first time she has done this. Unbelievable behaviour. If the environment was not this toxic I wouldn't be trying this hard to make my wife move back asap.

hitori: don't think there is 3rd party. The only third party is the in-laws who decide with her how to manage everything in this marriage. I am expected to follow instructions or face their wrath as I have this time round (not the first time).

verysadguy: My wife is very similar in this aspect except that she doesn't wish my parents dead. They don't seem to like it when I keep in touch with my own parents.

This is ridiculous for you are not allowed to touch your son. It is very messy to have 3rd party as in your case your in law, to interfere. What is your plan now?

 

[adelene]

I think this statement is wrong. I face the same situation as well and I have written in this forum many months ago. I want her to come back to our house but she is very reluctant. While I understand the death of her father has triggered her to be closer to her mum but it has been one year since the death of her father and she still does not want to come back. Even when she came back, she is always angry, frustrated, impatient.

She threw things around and broke our home phone, everyday cursing my parents who are still alive, repeating it every single day. I want to sleep as I need to work but she often made me unable to sleep by using blanket to cover my face when I am half asleep. She exclaimed:"Why are your parents still alive? Why can't they be dead?" I try to understand her but there is only so much that I can do. There are some things which one has to learn to overcome themselves. I know she is sad but death is something that you and I could not control and of course, I would not want it to happen as well. She does not want to work, does not want to take care of house, does not contribute a single cent to the family, everyday only listen to her mother when this is our house.

Though married, I felt that I am as good as been single. There is no way that we can communicate. She would see things as negative when I am just been positive. For example, when I am genuinely concern about her, she says that I want her to be dead. How to communicate when there are no trust involved? Same as life_is, I go against my parents' advice to marry early. Luckily, we have no kids. My only problem is to find a place to stay after the divorce.

it must be hurt you badly. Don't carried the hatred with you. Leave for your well being. Can you move back to your parent place?

 

[verysadguy]

it must be hurt you badly. Don't carried the hatred with you. Leave for your well being. Can you move back to your parent place?

Unfortunately not as my parent's flat is too small to accommodate 5 adults. I have had wanted to buy over the flat from my ex-wife but she is more interested in the money that the house can fetch when it was sold to others than to sell it to me such that I can have a roof over my head. The agent just came to our house yesterday and she was smiling happily on seeing the amount that she would receive if the flat is sold. While I am interested to have a good family, she wants money more than family and that is what pains me the most.

Yes, I am carrying hatred. I am looking for answers. I want to know what went wrong. Is it my fault or is it her fault or is it just fated? I am paying 85% of the house and I gave her money every month. Yet, this is the end result I get. Divorce and only 50% of the proceeds. She did not even shed a single tear when the divorce paper was signed. My heart bleeds. I feel like I have just been make use of and I am just nothing more than an ATM machine to her.....

 

[hitori]

I empathize with your situation. The hard truth is you may never find the real reason why it broke down. Phases of an end relationship: Denial - Acceptance - Self Guilt - Recovery
Hang out with friends or preoccupy yourself with work. Pick up a new hobby like going to gym or running/swimming, it will make u "high" and "immune" to your emotions. Another option is to do voluntary work, when you help others more in need, it make u feel better . Time will heal everything. Hang in there for the rough ride bro!

 

[life_is]

This is ridiculous for you are not allowed to touch your son. It is very messy to have 3rd party as in your case your in law, to interfere. What is your plan now?

Well, I must say, my in-laws are not exactly normal (confirmed by asking around about in-law relationships and how to defend a marriage from toxic influences), and wife allows them to decide for us without discussing with me at all (I'm atm + sperm donor). Plan to settle out of court asap, no alimony or child maintenance given, and cut off all ties with that family. The longer I see them, the more I suffer from depression. Life is really back to normal now, and I'm not going to let these people in my life again.

 

[uglydude]

Child maintenance and alimony is something which u cannot avoid in a divorce.....one thing i dun agree is avoiding paying for child maintenance...especially this child is brought to earth by both u and ur ex wife.....

As for alimony....i do agree that men should not be liable since women do not pay alimony to us when they are at fault......

 

[adelene]

Unfortunately not as my parent's flat is too small to accommodate 5 adults. I have had wanted to buy over the flat from my ex-wife but she is more interested in the money that the house can fetch when it was sold to others than to sell it to me such that I can have a roof over my head. The agent just came to our house yesterday and she was smiling happily on seeing the amount that she would receive if the flat is sold. While I am interested to have a good family, she wants money more than family and that is what pains me the most.

Yes, I am carrying hatred. I am looking for answers. I want to know what went wrong. Is it my fault or is it her fault or is it just fated? I am paying 85% of the house and I gave her money every month. Yet, this is the end result I get. Divorce and only 50% of the proceeds. She did not even shed a single tear when the divorce paper was signed. My heart bleeds. I feel like I have just been make use of and I am just nothing more than an ATM machine to her.....

I agreed with hitori, you will never find out the answer unless you go through the tough path like I do as I was given this choice.
To end up in this situation is never your fault, her fault or fate. it is what your and her attitude towards handling the baggage. When we signed the marriage certificate, we signed with joy.
What makes you think that her heart is not bleeding when she signed the divorce paper? Could it be just your thought that you think she is not. Try to see as a 3rd party (as a outsider view who do not have the baggage on her).
It will make you feel better and move on since it is already happened. I hope I am not too straight forward to you that it might hurt you.

We are here to give you the support. Perhaps renting an apartment or a room can be an option to you since you still have the other 50%. At this point of time, you need friends and family support to fill in the empty space in your heart.

Hi Life_is,
Can you really cut all ties with her family? How about your son? What kind of impression will you give him? Do you really want to physically abandon him? If you put aside the idea of her using you as an ATM and sperm donor, what is the situation like? Correct me if I am wrong. Have you signed the divorce paper? Do you still love your ex-wife? Do you still want to be with her even she has those toxic influence?

I empathize with your situation. The hard truth is you may never find the real reason why it broke down. Phases of an end relationship: Denial - Acceptance - Self Guilt - Recovery
Hang out with friends or preoccupy yourself with work. Pick up a new hobby like going to gym or running/swimming, it will make u "high" and "immune" to your emotions. Another option is to do voluntary work, when you help others more in need, it make u feel better . Time will heal everything. Hang in there for the rough ride bro!

I really like your phrase on an ended relationship. It is easier if everything has come to an end.

 

[hitori]

Hi bro. Pls think twice about not seeing your child. I had the same thought as you 3yrs ago before he was borned. We agreed that we will cut all contact and not see my child. By some dramatic twist & turns ( I mean it) I saw my bb boy.

For the past 3 yrs, it was an emotional struggle both towards my son and partner. Now that she is utterly disappointed w me & lost all faith, I learn to let go of my partner than to suffer under my erratic temper, (which needed time to change), at least she has the chance to find someone who can love her more. But for my son, it Mayb hard to find another man who may love him as much. For a child, he may not have anyone to turn to if he bullied. And he may grow up wondering why he was "abandon"? Was he a mistake to come into this world? Will that hurt his self esteem or even his future life outlook.

A child suffers the most when adults cannot settle their differences and it unfair for them. They did not choose to come to this world, we did! Even if our child hates us, we must still be there for him. It human instinct. From your description, I can tell you are not the callous type. I just concerned if u make a rash decision to leave your child and live life regrettably later on. Recently I pick up this book, raising boys and couple more by Steve Biddulph. Inside, it wrote many men who choose to walk out from their child regret later. Pls think carefully bro!

 

[hitori]

Yes Adelene, I got the phrase from a divorced friend when I was seeking advice from him regarding my brother divorce last year. Yes, can't agree more if things can come to an END and reset like a blackboard. I guess we will know we have recovered when we can look at our situation and ex without any feeling of remorse, anger or guilt. I learned from my pastor, which I find it pretty true, if we had loved unconditionally from the start, then when it ends we should not feel bitter or negative, if we did, then it was conditional to begin with, then it may not have been love from the start. Since it not well received, we have more love to give to others who will cherish more.

 

[verysadguy]

I agreed with hitori, you will never find out the answer unless you go through the tough path like I do as I was given this choice.
To end up in this situation is never your fault, her fault or fate. it is what your and her attitude towards handling the baggage. When we signed the marriage certificate, we signed with joy.
What makes you think that her heart is not bleeding when she signed the divorce paper? Could it be just your thought that you think she is not. Try to see as a 3rd party (as a outsider view who do not have the baggage on her).
It will make you feel better and move on since it is already happened. I hope I am not too straight forward to you that it might hurt you.

We are here to give you the support. Perhaps renting an apartment or a room can be an option to you since you still have the other 50%. At this point of time, you need friends and family support to fill in the empty space in your heart.

If you love your hubby or ex-hubby, do you smile in joy when you sign the divorce papers? We stay together for about 3 years before she starts to move out. When she stayed with me, I cooked for her, threw her tampon, gave her money. When her father passes away, I stay with her and her mum till 3am at night. I did not sleep for 2 nights as I am holding vigil. I help them with the funeral arrangements and even tell them to choose Mandai Columbarium instead of Choa Chu Kang Columbarium if they want to have it easy to visit. I know because my grandma passes away as well many years back.

After doing so much, shouldn't there be a single streak of love? She has a bad temper. I was hit by her and some times this made me angry and we quarrel. I got one bad scar on my hand which results from her sinking her fingernails into my hand. Is this what I deserve? I ask her what she wants but she does not reply at all. I don't know what she wants me to do to be happy. After doing all these for her, shouldn't there be at least a few tears when we sign the divorce papers? Shouldn't she feel sad at all when we sold our matrimonial flat? No. Instead, she is smiling joyfully at the amount that she would get when the house was sold.

 

[orangepie]

Verysadguy and life_is, im very sorry to hear the plight that you are going through now, I have been very very close to your situation last year. We had two kids. I wanted to say you do not need to agree to all the condition she set out.

-For child custody, as long as the kids r less than 6 years old, the judge will most likely grant the custody to the mother. Unless the mother is physically or emotional unfit to take care of them.
- If im not wrong, it is by Law that she had to allow you to visit the children, at least once pre week.
- Alimony, by default is summing up all the family and child monthly expenses and divide by Two (if the wife is working)Then they will look at both parties' earnings. If your earning is low, plus you can proof that you have a list of your own expense (like you may need to foot your monthly rental when you move out, etc), you would not need to pay too much.
She cannot exploited you without a reason. Judge will demand for reasons and proof.
- Get a good lawyer to stand for your right and come to a compromise.

 

[uglydude]

No matter how good a lawyer u get...it is of no use....if in doubt ask any male lawyer who handles divorce cases...they will tell u tat marriage is totally against men in Singapore...a friend of mine who is a lawyer sometims advise his clients against marriage in singapore...don't ever engage a female lawyer...they have a tendency to make things worse for u.....

And the judge in family court they dun really care....u will realize that almost all the staffs inside family court are females...except for some of the cleaners who happens to be male....

 

[life_is]

Law is definitely against men. That is why there are so many women out there who abuse marriage for money. Someone needs to take a serious look at the matter, and mete out severe punishment to women who abuse the system. Otherwise, people like us are definitely going to spread the message far and wide and set up institutions to advise men against marriage without prenuptial agreements. At some point I will like to gather men and set up some form of legal protection from evil women who are out to farm the system. Marriage is sacred, and I wish that women who abuse it will burn in hell.

 

[uglydude]

Erm....unfortunately....over here in Singapore....Prenuptial agreements are not recognizable in the court.....that's why my lawyer friend strongly advised against marriage in Singapore....u can draft out a nice pre-nup for all u want...but when it comes to the actual divorce proceeding...u will be begging for mercy when u find out that ur pre-nup is of no use.....

To some women out there....marriage is a mean for them to increase their pay check per month without working....

AWARE often preach for equality between men and women in singapore...but u dun see them talking about how unfair the woman charter is for men out there.....

 

[life_is]

No wonder many of my male friends are single.

The G should really set up a more balanced system, and give heavy punishment to deter possible future abuse. 杀一儆百。

 

[adelene]

Hi Verysadguy,

It is difficult to access who is right and who is wrong in marriage. It takes 2 hands to clap.
Marriage is a teamwork and Divorce is when this partnership no longer exists.

Hi Life_is,
It is the SWCO who fight to woman welfare as in our parent generation woman are so helpless and there should be law to protect such woman. Nevertheless, in modern world, woman also has the equal rights to stray too since there are too much lust in our society. But I am sure the judge will put out exceptional case.

 

[uglydude]

There is no exceptional case...never in history has there been any exceptional case....so to all the guys out there...u better make sure u willing to pay alimony if ur wife is in the wrong......otherwise...re-think about why u would want to get married.....just stay in the relationship....it is the same as a marriage except without the paper.....at least if things dun work out....u dun need to fork out ur hard earn money....

A lot of people will say u dun go into a marriage thinking of divorce...but the truth is in the event u are caught in one....u would be crying ur heart out....

I have nothing against women...but the law governing divorce here is CRAP...

 

[life_is]

Went into marriage in good faith, despite knowing the problems with divorce laws. Now regretting big time. For all the men out there, seek out legal advice before settling down, and make sure you keep a pool of cash ready for the end game. Very difficult to find people who take marriage seriously, and men always lose.

 

[verysadguy]

No wonder many of my male friends are single.

The G should really set up a more balanced system, and give heavy punishment to deter possible future abuse. 杀一儆百。

Impossible because our very own AWARE would protest and come out with all sort of sob stories on how women are been punish unfairly and such. They would say there are a lot of unreported cases etc...

Somehow I believe there are a lot of unreported cases of husband abuse too. Just that we do not have our own AMARE to help us. We can only depend on ourselves. I am a very good example. Looking at the scars on my right hand reminds me on how women can abuse as well.

 

[life_is]

Impossible because our very own AWARE would protest and come out with all sort of sob stories on how women are been punish unfairly and such. They would say there are a lot of unreported cases etc...

Somehow I believe there are a lot of unreported cases of husband abuse too. Just that we do not have our own AMARE to help us. We can only depend on ourselves. I am a very good example. Looking at the scars on my right hand reminds me on how women can abuse as well.

I've been severely abused by wife and her mother emotionally. They systematically isolated me from my family, and made me go to the in law place everyday so that I could not have much of a social circle. Completely imprisoned for years with them. Now that I am away from them, everything is back to normal. Will never accept that kind of life ever again. Been miserable every day since getting married. Sex withheld, slept in different beds, slept in different households, kept away from my wife and kid for years, etc. All possible kinds of abuse to make me suffer. And now finding excuses not to stay together in matrimonial home when in the first place, her parents were rushing to get us a flat for the sake of 'privacy'. Now tell me that it is normal for married couples to stay apart in different households. If there is justice from heaven, please punish them severely for cheating me into marriage, causing me to lose my wife and kid, and sowing discord between me and my family members.

 

[verysadguy]

I've been severely abused by wife and her mother emotionally. They systematically isolated me from my family, and made me go to the in law place everyday so that I could not have much of a social circle. Completely imprisoned for years with them. Now that I am away from them, everything is back to normal. Will never accept that kind of life ever again. Been miserable every day since getting married. Sex withheld, slept in different beds, slept in different households, kept away from my wife and kid for years, etc. All possible kinds of abuse to make me suffer. And now finding excuses not to stay together in matrimonial home when in the first place, her parents were rushing to get us a flat for the sake of 'privacy'. Now tell me that it is normal for married couples to stay apart in different households. If there is justice from heaven, please punish them severely for cheating me into marriage, causing me to lose my wife and kid, and sowing discord between me and my family members.

Your case is very similar to mine. At least you get to consummate your marriage. I did not, My ex-MIL was also the one who asked us to quickly buy a flat but in the end, my ex-wife did not want to come back home and prefer to stay with her mum. I pay 85% of the flat but only get back 50%. I gave her money every month and gets back nothing.

When we were in our matrimonial home, she had only slept in the same room as I for less than 10 times in our 5 years of marriage. After which she went to another room to sleep no matter how many times I say it should not be so. Finally, she went back home and we slept in different households.

 

[life_is]

Your case is very similar to mine. At least you get to consummate your marriage. I did not, My ex-MIL was also the one who asked us to quickly buy a flat but in the end, my ex-wife did not want to come back home and prefer to stay with her mum. I pay 85% of the flat but only get back 50%. I gave her money every month and gets back nothing.

When we were in our matrimonial home, she had only slept in the same room as I for less than 10 times in our 5 years of marriage. After which she went to another room to sleep no matter how many times I say it should not be so. Finally, she went back home and we slept in different households.

Women like that should not marry in the first place. My wife is like this as well, with almost no chance of sleeping in the same bed. Think women who behave like that are just out to get money out of a divorce by withholding all intimacy and ensuring that husbands are left on their own once they get married. Such cases are probably the reason why so many men are not even getting girlfriends, and so many good women are looking to marry but cannot find men. Someone should seriously change the law to balance the power between the genders so as to prevent abuse e.g. no alimony for women if they are the ones at fault, so as to allow the men to perhaps have another shot at marriage if they have been cheated.

 

[lonely_desire78]

Your case is very similar to mine. At least you get to consummate your marriage. I did not, My ex-MIL was also the one who asked us to quickly buy a flat but in the end, my ex-wife did not want to come back home and prefer to stay with her mum. I pay 85% of the flat but only get back 50%. I gave her money every month and gets back nothing.

When we were in our matrimonial home, she had only slept in the same room as I for less than 10 times in our 5 years of marriage. After which she went to another room to sleep no matter how many times I say it should not be so. Finally, she went back home and we slept in different households.

That sounds like you stayed with a stranger, rather than a wife. :| Marriage is damaging to both parties. I wonder why the harsh regulations. Make it harsh towards those who abuse and take advantage, but it acts like a silly blanket legislation hammering both innocent and non-so-innocent parties.

Advice for all guys out there thinking of marriage. If you are not having a kid anyway, eliminate marriage from your vocabulary. Marriage is a pile of obligations. Also, dunno fighting and working for what. Plus many unspelt expectations, eg must have kid in X years, must give wife $X allowance and etc etc.

When everything looks like an obligation, whats the point about marriage? There is no meaning and purpose in it. The law is one unfortunate socio political phenomenal. More tragic is, going into "it" with the wrong partner. Applies to both male and female readers here. Isn't it more discouraging to find out one day that one's spouse is staying in "it", just because alimony and obligations are more scary?

Bringing all these financial penalties into legislation only serves to make marriage (and ending it) more ugly and traumatic. It serves to protect on one end, but also forces unwilling parties to soldier it through. Honestly, what for? For the kid (who happen to be a product of the marriage), isn't the childhood more "sian"? Going through the growing years with parents that do not talk, but they are together because the law discourages parting for good proper reasons and on good terms. Isn't it more hurting for the child?

Just my honest 2 cents. Do hope readers looking into marriage also consider the potential risks and issues. Love and staying together are never the same.

 

[verysadguy]

That sounds like you stayed with a stranger, rather than a wife. :| Marriage is damaging to both parties. I wonder why the harsh regulations. Make it harsh towards those who abuse and take advantage, but it acts like a silly blanket legislation hammering both innocent and non-so-innocent parties.

Advice for all guys out there thinking of marriage. If you are not having a kid anyway, eliminate marriage from your vocabulary. Marriage is a pile of obligations. Also, dunno fighting and working for what. Plus many unspelt expectations, eg must have kid in X years, must give wife $X allowance and etc etc.

When everything looks like an obligation, whats the point about marriage? There is no meaning and purpose in it. The law is one unfortunate socio political phenomenal. More tragic is, going into "it" with the wrong partner. Applies to both male and female readers here. Isn't it more discouraging to find out one day that one's spouse is staying in "it", just because alimony and obligations are more scary?

Bringing all these financial penalties into legislation only serves to make marriage (and ending it) more ugly and traumatic. It serves to protect on one end, but also forces unwilling parties to soldier it through. Honestly, what for? For the kid (who happen to be a product of the marriage), isn't the childhood more "sian"? Going through the growing years with parents that do not talk, but they are together because the law discourages parting for good proper reasons and on good terms. Isn't it more hurting for the child?

Just my honest 2 cents. Do hope readers looking into marriage also consider the potential risks and issues. Love and staying together are never the same.

I would love to have kids but looking at my previous marriage, I think it would be better not to have kids. The most innocent part would be the kid if the marriage is not out of love. Yes, there are times that I feel I am obligated. I gave allowance to my ex-wife for fear that we would quarrel endlessly. Money can be earned back but family harmony is more important. That is at least what I see in my parents' marriage and they have been married for more than 30 years. The difference is my mum cares for us, protect us and best of all, my father only gave allowance to her when he has money. That means not on a regular basis, unlike me. But my mum is ok. She would use her own money when my father ran out of money.

I am scare. I cry myself to sleep. I don't know what have I done wrong. I don't know why am I such a failure. I want to see a counsellor but I know they would not be able to help me, other than listen. I got no place to turn to. Now, there is a HDB in between and it gives me another headache. I would never buy HDB in joint name again. The best thing is to have single name. There would be no tussle, no confusion, no quarrelling. I just want peace. Joint name is scary. You want, she don't want. I don't want, she want. quarrel and quarrel...never ending...

 

[miloice]

While there are probably people that get into a marriage to dig a fortune from their partners, are there no signs throughout the relationship before marriage?

 

[life_is]

While there are probably people that get into a marriage to dig a fortune from their partners, are there no signs throughout the relationship before marriage?

Women all change after marriage. Hard to find the signs. Also, in laws can be crafty enough to put on an act before marriage, and you only see their true colours after that. Happened to me. All that acting nice and everything before marriage, and showing who they all really are once the flat is purchased, marriage cert signed etc. Then the mother in law start to tell me to divorce, give the flat and kid to wife, and change the kid's surname. 知人知面不知心。For such a mother in law, I can only pray for divine intervention to make her wake up her idea.

 

[verysadguy]

While there are probably people that get into a marriage to dig a fortune from their partners, are there no signs throughout the relationship before marriage?

It is never possible to detect what is wrong before marriage. How would I even know how she would react after her dad passes away? I can't wish him to pass away too when we are still dating. How would I know that she still prefers to stay with her mum after her dad passes away when we agreed that her mum can move in to stay with us when it happens? Even my ex-MIL agreed to this arrangement but things become different when reality sets in. How would I even know that she does not want to work and just want to take money from me without contributing to the family when she does not take a single cent from me when we are dating?