The Uncertainty and Insecurity

[SpyU6363]

I knew this man for almost a year, I am always there to support him to the max. He is undergo alot of stress lately due to his court case for his divorce. I know its not a good time for him to start a relationship, but somehow or rather we met and have been sticking together.

He told me that his case would drag for at least till end of the year. I knew I am suppose to give him my support and reduce the stress on him. I dont know whats with me, but I feel that I have been giving him so much stress between us that I dont feel its me. I am scared. Not becos I will lost him, but I dont feel like me anymore.

I wrote about me and him before on this same forum. And I thought I sort things out. I left him, but it lasted only 3 months before he came back into my life again. He told me he want to start a new with me when everything is settle, He said he ask for nothing (not necessary to have beauty, wealth) but he just want a simple family. I guess all ladies want that too. It just makes me look forward for such thing.

Sometime I feel neglected becos of things he did, as he has more important thing to deal with now, but rather than being a supportive person he faced, I seem to give more stress on him to meet me often. I become so greedy. We are happy together, we can joke, we can talk.

But everything he said will never turn out to be true. He always forgot about the date we have. I always have to wait for at least 5 hours till he appear. There is once I get so work up that I told him never to look for me again. He blasted at me because I wanted to end the relationship, than i get to know how much he is going thru inside him. But yet again, I get so pissed off with his empty promises. But there are things he did that I really appreciate him doing, when I told him if he is going to be late than might as well dont come, he will rush all the way to my place, apologise to me, he rather have me bite his arm than letting me break up with him.

Knowing his state of mind is unclear, I really cannot take his word for granted. I am someone who has been deeply hurt before and being with him remind me of those pain I have forgotten. I feel weak, uncertainty and insecure once again. I feel like I just transform into someone so demanding, someone who is not supportive. What can I do? I wanted to leave him, but I cant bear it as I realise I have develop feelings for him yet I didnt want either of us to commit to each other due to his situation. And he agree.

If anyone there who is reading my post please tell me what am I doing?

 

[Georgian]

Hi Spy, agree with you its every (perhaps many) women dream is to have a simple happy, loving family.
I find you incredibly patient, waiting for him for 5 hours to show up... I can understand you are upset and rightly so and he could turn around and have you felt bad about the whole situation... that I find it even more amazing.

Going thru a divorce is a very stressful thing, no doubt and different individual has different way to deal with stress, some can handle stress better than others. But really? You don't deal with issues related to divorce on a daily basis... there are procedure, legal advise all in place to ensure the process is not 'hell fire' for those unfortunate who have to file for divorce.

Suggest you speak to friends that you know who have good thru divorce, hear and learn about the process... perhaps you will be more aware.

Behind supportive is important but being supportive does mean you need to be taken for granted. Think about it.

Take a few step back, can you deal with the same response or behavior if he is feeling stressful over work, over finances and other challenges in life....?

 

[SpyU6363]

Georgian,

Thanks for your reply and taking the time to read my post. I been thru divorce myself. But mine was clean cut case whereby I didnt fight for anything at my end. When my marriage failed and my ex demand a divorce, the last thing I want to fight is our marriage. But I failed to do so and realise no matter how much happy memories we had before cannot defeat he is facing "unhappiness". My divorce was agree on both party and end up annulment take place and it takes 6 mths to settled it. But for that 6 months, I been thru hell both physically and mentally.

I can understand his stress that he is going thru. His ex is fighting all her will to get half of what she wants. I did not want to know what he have done to have his ex hate him that much (she is the one betray the marriage) He is like me, the last thing he fight for was peace. But knowing how difficult his situation is, I guess he had take me for granted. But other than being supportive what else can I do?

I am not sure his future include me, but the last thing I want on him is to let him have peace and be happy. When 2 person in love, all impossible can be make possible, but when things get sour, just 1 person can make the possible into impossible.

haiz

 

[miloice]

You resent him because you literally do nothing but hang there waiting. Being supportive and patient doesn't mean you have to wait idling. If he is busy, you can just go ahead with other plans and meet up after when both are available. Situation are dynamic, no need to die die must meet up. All these fights and drama of asking you to bite him. Come on, wake up. A life long relationship has to be sustainable. Don't hang on to dramas and hope that it will play in your real life daily.

 

[Georgian]

Fighting for his peace... perhaps it is true, the only way to gain peace in an ideology or territorial war is the fight and eliminate the enemy but in divorce, I am less certain.
Parties concerned either end it amicably like yours Haiz or slung it out in court. Even in the later, legal counsels are available for hire to guide and assist.
In all disputes, causes of marriage breakdown or distributions of matrimonial assets are all base on evidence and facts, there is nothing to fight but to provide supporting evident.

To be supportive you can volunteer to help him organize and gather needed evident to support his claims. This way, you can better assess if you indeed is part of his future. You think?

 

[tomatoe198128]

i was in a similar situation as you. but thank god, he just gotten his final divorce certificate last week. the stress of getting a divorce is very hard for anyone to imagine. if you really love him, probably you need to provide support. take it as a test for the future.

Oh, sorry to highjack the thread. does anyone know anything about decree nisi absolute? i saw that his copy is a electronic copy (2 page)
1st page bears the seal of state courts and electronic signature of registrar and the 2nd page - no signature.

is this correct? i read that, there must be a certified true copy stamp from the lawyer if our side is the defendant.(we did not engage a lawyer) is that true? we are planning to go ROM soon.
appreciate any inputs in this.

 

[Ling.Memento]

hi spy,. stay positive...i agree wif miloice and georgian. i feel you should really stay supportive and at the same time have your own social life.. that way, you do not need to think about him all the time. go on wif your own schedule and stay normal happy. support him when you need to. spend quality time. be his listening ear. at the end of the day, if he's a good guy and understand how u feel am sure he'll reciprocate when time is right. so hang on.
however, we cannot be for sure know the ending. important thing you allow yourself an exit plan if really necessary. of course hope for the best.