Should I ROM???

C

charq

New Member
Hi,

I've just broke up with my ex-gf of 4.5 yrs as the feeling in our relationship has gone plain(she still feels for me but not the other way round). After breaking up with her for a month, I started a new relationship.

The thing is after 1 week into the new relationship, my ex informed me that she's 4 mths pregnant. Now, there's the "right" thing to do and the thing that I "want" to do.

"Right": Breakup with current gf, do not let my ex know abt this r/s as it will affect the future marriage, get ROM and walk into a marriage based more or less solely on responsibility and commitment (I've to find the feeling back), start a family with the correct foundation for my son. I know my personality is that I might have the tendency to go astray if im to get married, therefore i'll nd lots of restrain. My ex knows all the risks involve if she's to walk into a marriage with me and she's willing to take it for the sake of the baby.

"want": follow thru with the current gf, let my ex be a single-mum or me be a single-dad.

So should I ROM?? *confused*
 


doing the right thing in this case does not necessarily mean marrying the mother of your child if ultimately you will end up hurting not only her, but also your child with your ways.

you can still be a good father without being married to your ex. just step up and be there for her when she needs you, and be responsible for your child.
 
u hv made the mistake of impregnating ur gf. now dun go making another by marrying her... anyway, u gotta be very sure that the baby is yours b4 thinking of doing anything.
 
if you can ask whether you should ROM, means that you really shouldn't ROM.

i mean what's the point of stepping into marriage like this? there's no love between both of you. the only reason is your son. if you cannot find love for the mother of your son now, do you think can later on?

do you love kids? do you really want to be a father? your "want" tells me that you don't really care about your ex gf nor her child. you want to lead a life away from the both of them. so even if you ROM or not, it doesn't make a difference. ROM-ing is just to make yourself feel better because you assumed your responsibility.

but you will hurt your child and your ex-gf badly in future when you divorce (which you yourself also admitted there's a high chance). so what's the point on ROM-ing?
 
Charg

If you are a responsible man to begin with, u should have wear protection during the love making and not sperminated your ex gf whom you have lost the feeling for.

I have huge doubts at you being able to commit or take the responsiblity as a husband / father by jumping into a new relationship just 1mth after your previous relationship of 4/5years.

A single parent child doesn't mean they won't get love from their parents. I have seen alot of single parent's child grow up happier than a child that grow up in a family where parents are staying together but don't see eye to eye.
 
u shouldn't marry out of responsibility. just make sure that you there for your ex - be it help out financially or go with her for check ups etc.

Marry or not its easy to solve, its the other concerns will be big headache for u, am sure you are already aware. Because once this news get out to yours and her family, and your gf, you'll need to face with a hell lot of people issues. This you seriously need to think about how to minimise unhappiness from all parties.
 
Do your girlfriend wanted to keep the baby? Tell her the truth that you already had a girlfriend and let her make the decision of whether she want to keep the baby or not.
 
Appreciate all the feedbacks!

Faith: She doesnt know about it as I've decided to breakup and move on into the marriage. Letting her know might let her think wildly esp. when she's pregnant.
 
You are so plainly irresponsible. Do you know how hard it is to raise a kid and what's more single-handedly??? And all that I can see from you is you are so preoccupied with what you want and not what she wants. But then again, she is so blindly in love with you to think reasonably. You should clear up this mess man...How old are you?
 
Charge,
Are you prepare to live the rest of your life with her till you both part???

If you are not sure about this I felt that you should not damage her further.

I do admire your decision upon breaking up with your gf and take up this responsibity but ask yourself if you cant give her your love what is the point??? Because you will end up blaming the world on why you got to marry her.

Nothing is impossible, I do believe love can be rekindle. Hope you can work on your relationship with her further if that is your choice. Just dont regret today you made this decision!

God Bless You!!
 
Hi TS, you might like to note that the legal time limit for abortion is 24 weeks into the pregnancy, that is, six months. In fact, beyond 23 weeks you will not likely to find any doctor to perform the abortion.

You and your ex-gf has two months to consider this issue and arrive at a decision.
 
after breaking up with ur ex..she must be already 2-3mths pregnant??

u both never notice anything eh?? as in she's already missing her menses etc..
 
actually which relationship dont become plain when the time goes by..

it up 2 u to keep tat fire buring..if nt give u angelina jolie also no use..haha

u mean u with this new gf..she will excite u everyday for 50yrs?? or vice versa??

4.5yr nt long nt short..

being single family is no go for the child..but being with a nt so loving family also no go..

some shortgun marriage last..some dont..

if u really hv no feelings for her..will the baby helps u both to rekindle or make it worst??

see u both...

but after in her 4th mth..then she tell u..she must be thinking for long to give it a try with u again..coz she can choose to abort to find new love also..so hope things work out for u..
 
if there is a chance where you will stray, why get married in the first place? it will only bring misery to you, your partner and your child.
 
Why impregnate her when u dont love her much anymore?

Just her luck to meet a scumbag like u.

"as the feeling in our relationship has gone plain" Your new r/s might go plain too one day.

"I know my personality is that I might have the tendency to go astray if im to get married".
You know your personality sucks and you will get your desserts one day.
 
it's just a mistake that TS didn't use protection... it's an accident ok? what we're talkin abt here is sex between 2 consenting adults and u need to understand that sometimes, ppl DUN need to be in love to HAVE sex ok?

and i oso dun think it's fair to label TS a scumbag just becos he stops loving someone and wants out! u think so simple isit? for 2 persons to meet and fall in love, then live happily ever after? get real pls...
 
Agree with Junkie.

Not everyone is of marriage material and that's not a crime or sin. I have come to know of a case whereby the couple who were happy living together for 30 years. They have a few children under this arrangement. But when they decided to get married one fine day the marriage did not last more than two years.

Not all who want marriage make good partners, if you look around.
 
"ppl DUN need to be in love to HAVE sex ok?" Provided its both ways. If his ex was Making Love to him thinking they were still together, its really selfish of him. no?

He is considering to dump her all these while and yet not taking the necessary precaution. I don't suppose he only lost feelings for her SUDDENLY. He is an irresponsible ass. The risk a woman takes in ML with a man that is committed in a relationship with her in view of marriage differs. Let's not pretend its the same as any consenting adults having unprotected ONS.
 
ahem, it doesn't hv to be both ways.

of cos, one could "make love" to a person with the former "thinking" hes in love... if that would make the latter feel better
happy.gif


i know to some this is plain selfishness... but really, most ppl dun feel love every single min in a relationship (i mean the feeling of love is more or less there, just not all the time)... as for "ML" sessions, well, part of the regimen... just dun forget the rubber if u wanna be a responsible adult...
happy.gif
 
Junkie, as mentioned, the risk the person would perceived is different when they are making love with someone they believe they would eventually marry. i.e. some don't mind bringing forward their marriage if they so happen to be pregnant. I don't see that as irresponsible. But, if the individuals have no intention, capability and willingness to start a family, then they should take the needed precautions.
 
"the risk the person would perceived is different when they are making love with someone they believe they would eventually marry. i.e. some don't mind bringing forward their marriage if they so happen to be pregnant. I don't see that as irresponsible."

But TS has no intention of marriage and it's quite unlikely that his ex-gf who had been with him for 4.5 years was oblivious about it. Some one who is not keen in marriage usually also has zero plans about a baby.
 
" if the individuals have no intention, capability and willingness to start a family, then they should take the needed precautions."

yeah, his biggest mistake is that he didn't to use protection...
 
Well... we are taking different assumptions here. You assumed gf knew all the long this bf is more like a fxxk buddy without commitments. But, I'm believing that she is believing that TS is serious about their relationship and it is leading somewhere.

He said so himself (she still feels for me but not the other way round)... he has moved on but not so for his gf. She is still hoping that she could somehow desperately savage the relationship.

So, go figure out which assumption relates more appropriately to the situation? I'm not disputing your statement based on your context. But, I disagree that your context is the one for the TS scenario.
 
obviously gf love more than the guy

guy only want to f**k..no intention to commit and plan a marriage.

play sian liao..say give her to her buddy also nobody wants..
 
"You assumed gf knew all the long this bf is more like a fxxk buddy without commitments. But, I'm believing that she is believing that TS is serious about their relationship and it is leading somewhere."

No, you are totally wrong about my assumption. And you yourself have said earlier that TS could not possibly have lost feelings for the gf suddenly. How could she not have smelt anything and continued to think the relationship was blissful? People who want to salvage a broken relationship will still want do it even though the situation is hopeless.

By the way, no marriage intention doesn't mean you treat your partner as fcuk buddy.
 
Doll, the way I see it, TS is deceptive and hides information from his gf. Even now, he deemns her as incapable to handle the truth and intends to marry her without letting her know of his current relationship with someone new.

I don't comprehen the level of benefit you are willing to offer to TS and not to his gf. This guy is manipulative.
 
Milo, sometimes we lie to protect ourselves but other times we do so to protect other people.

I am not giving more benefit of doubt to TS vs gf. Just that I believe when a relationship breaks down, usually no one party is at fault solely.

If TS has any intention to get married to the ex-gf, they would have talked about marriage. She would know whether the man has intention to marry. If she doesn't know his stand clearly, then she is just assuming things.

I also want to point out that many women, unfortunately, are still leaving contraceptive matters to the men, rendering themselves helpless. I find this behaviour in itself passively irresponsible. Why leave such an important matter in someone else's hand? I would want to take charge of contraceptive since if there is a baby it is going to grow in me.
 
err...its a bit late to question why never wear helmut during live firing now that the baby is there...

Since there is no love, better not get married. Getting married for the kid only brings unhappiness and bitterness later in life. Imagine you start quarrelling over the kid, you start blaming one another, and things get ugly. Hardly as well, the environment to bring up the kid.

What does your ex-gf wants, ask her and respect her decision. Be responsbile - you can still play a fatherly role by being there when she needs you because (I assume you are the biological father), you are the father. Contribute to the expenses, and thinking long term, (and if circumstances allowed - for example she is not married) - visit the son & spend time with him.

Things might happen in future - namely she may get married and the new hubby accepts the child. or if you may get married and your wife accepts the child (provided at all times of course, your ex- is okay with this).

Or perhaps, your ex- may want to abort the child.

But whatever it is, I don't think you should say get married because of the child, that will be bad for her, for the child and for your child.
 
Thank you for all the replies.

What concerns me now is whats best for the baby(in terms of growing up environment etc.). I have to make the best out of the worst scenario.

I've dissuaded my ex from aborting since its might have negative physical effect on my ex and definitely a lifetime of emotional suffering.

Therefore we are now looking into 2 options(Plz feel free to give me your perspective or even enlighten me if theres more than these 2 options):

A) Marriage: As per the planning of what we should do right. The 2nd option came about when we were getting out wedding bands/prepping for ROM etc. Coz in i'm juz going thru with the motion for all the prepping. I dont feel any desire abt getting them done. Plainly just doing it for the sake of doing. Furthermore, I cant see myself in the marriage for even more than 1year(divorce needs min. 3 yrs of separation) looking at this current situation. Yes, ppl have advised on working it out, it will pull thru, juz put in more effort to find back the feeling. But the thing is my feelings are no longer in the relationship. Any actions done will be basically be juz going thru the motion. eg. fly kite, bowling, cycling-> they are juz activities but I dont enjoy doing it with her. She herself gets the same vibes from me as well thats y we sat down to have a talk for other alternatives.

I told her im for this following option:
B)Not marry: She will bring the baby to term and let her parents bring the child up. She would not want me to be in the picture and i'm alright with the decision. What's some of her concerns are the explanation part for cancelling the rom, informing her friends etc.(its part of my concern as well though I explicity told her to discuss about this issue isolating everybody. Juz her,me and baby). Next as "Le gros ours" mentioned:
Be responsbile - you can still play a fatherly role by being there when she needs you because (I assume you are the biological father), you are the father. Contribute to the expenses, and thinking long term, (and if circumstances allowed - for example she is not married) - visit the son & spend time with him.

Reason being why im for option B:
I've talked to many ppl and they have shared their own family experiences and many other friends' exp. Almost all of them dissuaded me from marrying based on the above mentioned reasons. Those from single-parent family advised against divorce. Those with both parents advised against due to their own parents are either quarreling day in/out or not on talking terms. Apparently there's little or no marriage worked out due to marrying out of responsibilty. Yes I agree, every family makeup is unique and is based on the couples' effort to make it work. But all these real-life examples makes me reluctant to jump into marriage. These concerns were discussed with my ex as well and she says im juz trying to run away from the problem and not putting effort to work it out. I said "No feeling = actions thats juz following thru." I'm being as honest and as transparent to her as possible during the discussion.

Discussion ended with her needing to go back to think about both options. What's our common understanding is to do whats best for the baby. We walked off with me advising not to abort the baby as apparently that option is seems to be in her mind.

Do let me know if there are any more options and i'll greatly appreciate it!
 
For god's sake, if you have absolutely no intentions to marry her, please DON'T. Don't add on to the divorce statistics in Singapore.

There is nothing shameful in informing her friends about your ROM cancellation, in fact it is better for you to retract your steps now rather than go thru the ceremony just to save face and end up with a lifetime of regrets.
 
The decision to keep the baby is more with her than you since you are unable to commit in a true marriage with her.

She will the one facing the full consequences. Let her think over and decide for herself. If she cannot and not willing to be a single parent, then abortion or adoption seems the only other options.
 
if you dun have the intention to marry, y bother to prepare for ROM?

I seriously doubt the maturity of both of you...
marriage is not a child's play lor.. if you are not committed, marriage shouldnt be in the picture in the first place..

and yes, pls dun get married becos of the baby... no doubt the baby needs a complete family.. but I believe the baby will not be happy seeing his/her parents quarreling every other day..

so, pls, inform everyone about the cancellation.. and stop making mistakes again..
 
charge,

Why are you concern about the baby? To keep or to abort should be her decision since you want nothing much to do with it. Even if you are willing to be a father, it is her right as she carries it with her.

It seems that you are not much interested in the baby and yet you are advising her against abortion. If she really has the baby against her will, she may end up feeling resentful.

And yes, don't marry her. But support her in whatever decision that she has to take regarding the baby. If she keeps it, try to contribute in any way you can (if she allows it). If she decides to abort it, support her. Don't put undue pressure on her to make any decision that she may not want regarding the baby.
 

You seem to expect the counsellor to do magic for you. You are unable to really commit in the marriage. Unless, you guys are in for a marriage in name only, then carry on. But, from what I'm reading, your gf is still having hopes and fantasy about having a proper marriage with you. Don't screw up your life over guilt. Its stupid and make everyone in it suffer.
 
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