Shall I forgive my husband?

[make_it_happen]

I m 39yrs old with 2 kids age 11 & 8. 3yrs ago I discovered my husbamd's affair. Tried very hard but failed to reconcile. I gave up trying 6mths ago n we only communicate via sms if necessay though staying under 1 roof but in different room. I have fear talking to him, or asking him to do anything cos he either breaks his promises (which upsets me more) or give me answers that r not true just to close the topic.

We r staying with the in-laws now. And his biz failed so there is no way he can afford alimony. The parents wont help him cos they were forced to sell the 30yrs old terrace house to cash out the money to move a smaller one. Cos the son stopped giving them money & they r both retirees.


Now he is remorseful. He lowered his pride & try to make amendments in little ways. The very strong signal that he is finally remorseful is that he text me to tell me he is taking a taxi license. Saying that he hope he can pass so that he can start to earn money to help in the family expenses. This is a big change for him from where he come from.

I am in a dilemma. Cos if we were to divorce, I got to move out with my kids, buy my own house n try to be strong & independent. Something which I am trying very very very hard to but I still break down many many times when alone. Also, life often gets too lonely when there is no one to share or confide. I miss going movies (something we used to do), I miss the feeling that I can just call someone anytime not because I got things to say but just because I m bored. I miss going shopping & trying on clothes & ask for opinions...

Also, my in-laws have been extremely nice to me. They help me with the kids so I can work with a piece of mind. There is always food for me to eat. They will also go market to buy groceries n not wait for me to do it. If I were to break the news to them, I dun know how will they take it.
They r in their seventies. What if something dreadful happened when I break the news to them? I wont be able to forgive myself forever..


This time, I can see & feel the remorse in him. My heart tells me that he will try for the better. But my mind kept telling me to move on cos so much hurt had been done. I dun know how to trust him again. Or rather, I dun know if I can still love him again. But to re-start my own life at my age with 2 kids, I have this fear in me & I am really scared. If the mother is not strong, it will definately affect the kids in their upbringing. And I cant bring myself to put my in-laws thru this kind of trauma. Esp if it happens, we got to sell the hse & they too got to find another place to move. Cos they paid for 50% of the house, & I service the other half by loan. Cant put under my husband's name cos of debts issue related to him.

Shall I forgive him?

 

[scopefun]

You are like staying married for all the wrong reasons...

Go find a boyfriend.

And... You want to patch up becos of 'fear'? LOL~

Reading through...

Where is the love love love love love love...

 

[denise80]

Just do it, seems to me you're staying put out of fear of loneliness and so much so that you're finding reasons to justify how your in-laws will be homeless or couldn't take the bad news and even imagine how he's trying to change.

For once, pls think of yourself and how your hubby had contributed to the marriage, in the past and now. How much does he want this marriage to work? To me, it's no longer about how much you love him because from your post, it doesn't seem to me that he loves you currently or has great plans or has taken great efforts to constantly prove to you and his family that he wants a change. Eventually if he does change, you still have to ask yourself if your life will be better with him or without him. Not his life, not his parents but YOUR life and of course, your kids'.

 

[scopefun]

Marriage is not like looking for a job, shopping for something you think you like... and if you see a flaw you can dump it or have a refund.

You made a mistake taking marriage a decision, engrossed yourself in routines, produced two children when there is no love...

If you listen to Denise80 and go the selfish way, you will be making the second mistake in life. You have two children. In relationship matters... of a lifetime, he is obviously not your One, but he is your children's father definitely.

You are 39yo... If you think you 'love' him still... let him woo you back. You can still remarry him, marriage is only a system. If you are thinking of lingering only for the stated reasons... What's the point?

If you do have a One... at 39yo, it's possible he is already married.

Many women, including Denise80, are in your situation, the only problem is you are getting your test near 40yo. A case got her case at 50+...

The case was a happy marriage with two kids grown up, she enjoying the routines of marriage till she realised her 'faithful and honest' husband had someone else. She divorced at 50+ but managed to be seeing someone else...

Baby, I have seen these too often.

If you need advice... Your main issue now is the children. Unless you believe you still have a One to meet, you definitely have a responsibility in your children.

If you listen to Denise80... you will be no less irresponsible than your husband.

I am not against Denise80, but I just find what she said highly disturbing. You are a grown up woman... your children depend on you. You should know what to do.

This time, marriage is really a decision for you.

 

[denise80]

Excuse me, Mr. Scope, pls stop associating my case with others' cases here. My hubby has no sweet young thing and my marriage is not in crisis. Seems like it thrills you to always refer to my marriage as a failure.

Anyway, it's clear that TS gave a lot of reasons that are not for herself but for her in-laws, kids and hubby. I'm all for TS to think for HERSELF and KIDS rather than for the other two groups of people. It's time she's kinder to herself. You can consider this selfish or no less than the hubby but we're talking about a failed marriage she's suffering from now and what makes you think the current arrangement is good for her kids? To see that the parents are not loving towards one another? My recommendations to her are therefore not anyway highly disturbing. She can't be sacrificing herself or her kids' happiness by taking care of her hubby and in-laws forever.

Anyway, TS, it's ultimately your decision to work at your marriage or to go for a divorce. Whatever decision you make, pls consider yourself and your kids first, NOT others. We're all not SAINTS and certainly this is not Taiwanese drama where the daughter-in-law continues to sacrifice for in-laws and good-for-nothing hubby.

 

[scopefun]

Denise80,

It's not about your marriage, it's about your thinking. Remember, your love is also about those routines. Besides... Who knows if you won't kena this later?

The best gift for the kids will be a pair of parents. Though you are right, if they always fight in front of kids, won't help either.

But many kids grow up proper even without parents in love... or in a loveless marriage, going the routines... (hehehe) and with some sex issues.

Her kids are in those years where parents should be together. So marriage to her now is more about responsibility to her kids. I thot a teacher understands the need of children???

She obviously did not marry the man due to love... it's only one-sided love, and trying to decide for her partner. Baaah~

 

[denise80]

Scope, what's up with you always mentioning my career as a teacher?

And that part with 'he he he and some sex issues' is condescending tone. You are entitled to your opinions and in giving others your opinions but don't ever use these to criticise my job as a career or negatively predict my marriage's future.(I've never mentioned that I teach kids and even if I do, it doesn't make me more superior than anyone with or without kids)

You mentioned it's one-sided love but you want her to stay on in the marriage for her kids? To continue to tolerate her hubby and to take care of her hubby's parents physically and financially? Talking about selfish thoughts? Who is more selfish? The wife or the husband here?

And you said she's trying to decide for her partner. I see that she was cornered into making a decision to either accept her fate or to find happiness elsewhere. How is she trying to decide for her partner? Seems like you often suggest that the woman's at fault? First it's about her making the wrong decision and then second is about her taking the responsibility to stay on in a lousy marriage so as to fulfil her obligations as a mother, wife and daughter-in-law?

Last but not least, pls focus on providing advice for TS. If you want to dispute my views, pls do it without criticising my job, background or draw highly imaginative similarities between me and TS and start predicting the future of my marriage.

 

[arsenal_84]

if you wanted a divorce, you would have done so already, rather than seek advice on the forum.
you stay in this rs because you still have a little "hope" left.

in case of a divorce, ever thought of having "shared custody" with their father ?
make sure your kids understand what you're going through before making the important decision.
at their age, how they understand the situation is dependant on how much EQ they developed when they were young.
never let your kids grow up resenting either sides of the parent.

 

[scopefun]

Denise80,

I expect much more in the thinking compartment for the teacher. Read properly... She obviously when on marriage making it a decision, not basing on Love. She decided for her partner that he is the One... when he isn't.

It's the woman's fault to 1. marry, 2. to be complacent, 3. to produce the babies, 4. to be still confused after her kids are reaching 12yo, 5. doesn't understand what love is.

Don't you realise... she is now a mother. If it's for the best of her children... even die, she'd die for the love of her children; what of to tolerate a man she has no love with... or he doesn't truly loved.

I said, unless she expects to meet her One after she divorces, it's another issue. But at 39yo... what is the chance?

Marriage should have been based on true love; she based it on a decision, enjoyed a routine... and now with the kids... her current concern has become one that marriage is a decision... due to her responsibility as a mother.

As a teacher, you are expected to hold the correct value in the education of your many students. In this case, you have shown immaturity as a woman.

She only has one DECENT choice... her children's interest. Do you really think she can afford to be selfish?

You have to consider this, Denise80... on the other hand, her option will be to raise the two kids alone; to work and leave the kids be won't be good for the children under single parenthood.

I sense that she has still the emotional attachment... the sense of security in that relationship... or the inertia embedded in her.

Denise80, the minute you are all defensive about your marriage's already a communication issue. See? You see the routine of 'love' in this case? Hehe~

You have taken her situation too easily. If she is going to listen to you, she'd be committing the second mistake in her life.

39yo... ... a mother, still confused, still... so loveless. How sad.

If she were to be released from this marriage, dear Denise80... marriage to her will still be a decision, and probably another mistake. And yes, you'd be the culprit to push her into it again.

I read nothing about love in her presentation. 39yo... She can't even know if her man is turning a new leaf for sure. So long in this marriage, sleeping with a man she doesn't even understand...

Yeah... truly... loveless.

She thought she understood. She thought it was love. Now she should know...

It isn't.

And what should the choice be...

 

[denise80]

TS, should you choose to end this marriage, pls remember that it's not always about finding another who can give your that love, security etc (gd if you really meet someone who mutually loves you) but the very fact that you're out of this marriage means 'liberation' from your hubby who obviously doesn't believe you.

I don't know about your ability to handle two kids if u're a divorcee but financially, at the moment, you're not only supporting your kids but your hubby and in-laws. As such, if you were to leave your current marriage, financial situation should only improve and not worsen unlike what someone else who didn't read carefully said. But of course, if this meant you have to look for a shelter of your own (which shouldnt' be the case since the flat is under your name) or that you have to hire caregiver for your children, you ought to factor these in.

Frankly, if I were you, given such an 'unhealthy marriage' at present and the very little likelihood of 'my man' to improve and turn around, I would try all my means (e.g. sell flat, get a smaller flat to earn some $, get own relatives to help take care of kids while I work, find a better job in terms of pay & prospects or that provides that stability for me to take care of family) to leave the marriage and give my best to my kids. The only people I'll say sorry to and goodbye will be his parents.

In your situation, saying 'no' to others means saying 'yes' to yourself. Do think about it. Just feel that u don't need to suffer for more years to finally arrive at this decision. As you're mentally tortured now without a proper closure, I doubt you could give your best to your kids too emotionally and if this is really the case, you really need to think deeper.

Men who're in debts rarely turn over a new leaf especially since it's been like that for many many years for your case. Sometimes in life, such people need to lose something before they realise what they've lost and done wrong. Similarly, you might need to suffer more before you realise what you need to do to stop all these sufferings. I certainly hope not.

 

[scopefun]

Denise80...

You obviously have a reading problem...

You think a working mother can also split herself at home to care for her children?

But what you said here shows... your marriage is not based on love.

"Frankly, if I were you, given such an 'unhealthy marriage' at present and the very little likelihood of 'my man' to improve and turn around, I would try all my means (e.g. sell flat, get a smaller flat to earn some $, get own relatives to help take care of kids while I work, find a better job in terms of pay & prospects or that provides that stability for me to take care of family) to leave the marriage and give my best to my kids. The only people I'll say sorry to and goodbye will be his parents."

Denise80, you married without taking the vows?

"For good or bad, rich or poor, whatever the fock..."

The only thing I can agree with you is based on... the man has broken his own vow.

I am not wrong about your marriage, Denise80. Your thinking is... unhealthy.

Justdoit, if you were to take the vows again... with the One you later meet... you are still not ready. There are ups and downs, and man and woman would have to build a future together, and the honor to brave through sufferings together, sharing resources and encourage each other...

If you listen to Denise80, dump this dump that, trying to get away...

When you find a man with money, married him... he find a sweet young thing when he is tired of you and the routine...

When you meet a good man with no money, you'd refuse to joint venture and build a future with him...

Then you might as well stay in this marriage and let the kids have two parents... when you can still pay nothing, and dump those parents-in-laws.

If you listen to Denise80... this will be the second mistake of your life.

Time to learn about what love is and why it is all important in a marriage... and what is a marriage.

Marriage... is not a decision.

Denise80, assuming you have two kids... you are sec school teacher, iron rice bowl teaching rebellious kids yourself, do you really think you if your own husband kena a sweet young thing... you can just run away, dump the burden, and since making your own financials better, while your own rebellious kids are dumped to their own in a single parenthood environment...

You are totally shocking.

Remember, her kids are approaching the rebellious years of 12yo... as I have said. Why are you thinking only about money?

Did you read properly of what I said?

That 'someone' did read.

You can still dump the parents by staying in a loveless marriage. She never married based on true love, she never understood her man. She can still 'enjoy' the routines when the times are good...

This is a woman who is sleeping. She is already 39yo, let her go on sleeping at least till the kids reach tertiary education.

At 39yo, even if she meets her One... At 40yo... she is going to be pregnant and be an aged pregnant case?

Frankly, I am now ever more interested to see a sweet young thing appearing in Denise80's life... Hehehe~ She will provide her husband with great sex, younger companionship, satisfying the ego of a man... and we can see how Denise80 will struggle to get out of this unhealthy marriage.

No offence. Both of you forgot the vows... and need to think hard about marriage. Dumping is easy... as easy as marrying.

Marriage is a lifetime issue. Why do you need the One?

 

[denise80]

All the best to u, TS, no matter what decision u make, be strong and be happy. Hope others would continue to provide other views or advice to u for ur deliberation. Next, pls.

 

[scopefun]

Come to think of it... for entertainment's sake, pls listen to Denise80, dump everything and sign up your children to her class later on.

"This is the teacher who told your mother to dump your father and grandies so that your mother can enjoy life..."

OK. I am indeed naughty...

LOL~

 

[sgbabydoll]

Just do it

I agree with some forummers who said you are not ready to walk out on your husband even though there were women and there are debts. The situation is bad but perhaps not bad enough for you.

I can tell you want to forgive him. You probably have already forgiven him in your heart. You also want to know if he has indeed turned over a new leaf. You are like a person who wants to find out the ending when you are halfway through a book. With a story book you can skip chapters but certain things in real life have no shortcuts. You either go on or give up. It's a decision, and I hope you make a wise decision for yourself.