Red flags - guys and girls

[newproject]

I think many regulars here have had many "lessons" in dating.

What were some red flags while you were dating your ex that on hindsight you should have picked up on but you chose to ignore?

Eg partner refused to go "public", super secretive, over controlling etc

 

[life_is]

Red flags:
Lies all the time
Can't detach from parents
Self centred, always a taker never a giver
Loves money more than you or anyone for that matter
Doesn't give space and very possessive
Easily jealous and doesn't even allow social activities with friends
Manipulative and plays victim after doing wrong
Princess mentality

 

[Infernolord]

Red flags:
Lies all the time
Can't detach from parents
Self centred, always a taker never a giver
Loves money more than you or anyone for that matter
Doesn't give space and very possessive
Easily jealous and doesn't even allow social activities with friends
Manipulative and plays victim after doing wrong
Princess mentality

Yours are the princessy type. haha
Let me list down those independent flirt type.

On the surface very close to parents (posting happy family photos), but scold and shout at her parents. No respect at all.
Very confident and yaya, always think they are right. Argue all the way. If they lost, they still think that as their bf, bf should give in and hong them back.
Jealous and play mind games. You go out with a lady, she will go out with a few diff guys alone.
Possessive yet want her own freedom. Have only close guy friends.. Dun mixed well with other gers.
Act as if they can be independent, but they are not. Always make use of other guys, as these guys are always "helpful" ...
Strong mentality, thinking they are very good and if you are average, they shld keep their options open.

 

[miloice]

Yours are the princessy type. haha
Let me list down those independent flirt type.

On the surface very close to parents (posting happy family photos), but scold and shout at her parents. No respect at all.
Very confident and yaya, always think they are right. Argue all the way. If they lost, they still think that as their bf, bf should give in and hong them back.
Jealous and play mind games. You go out with a lady, she will go out with a few diff guys alone.
Possessive yet want her own freedom. Have only close guy friends.. Dun mixed well with other gers.
Act as if they can be independent, but they are not. Always make use of other guys, as these guys are always "helpful" ...
Strong mentality, thinking they are very good and if you are average, they shld keep their options open.

very good description brother. lol
The' independent' type, is full of double standards and hypocrisy in the name of protecting themselves. They are only interested in their own needs frankly.

 

[florallure]

Signs:
Not willing to acknowledge the relationship
Occasional disappearance
Always emotional

I was dating this guy who refused to acknowledge our relationship. He would call me his girl but then he basically had issues. He could go MIA on me for a few days before contacting me again and I lost count of the number of times he requested for a 'time out'. It took me almost a year to walk out. I guess I was too young and naive back then.

Signs:
Always clubbing
No boundaries with his close female friends

An ex of mine loved going to clubs. I don't go clubbing because I cannot stand loud music and I am quite socially awkward. So whenever he says that he's going with his friends, I would just let him go. One night though he confessed that he almost hooked up with a girl. By right I should be livid and flared up but I didn't. I took solace in the fact that he said he left before things got out of hand because he thought of me. Uh, should I be happy then? He also doesn't know how to set boundaries with his female friends, which is plenty. I don't even have a close friend of the opp sex! But anyway, he left me in the end.

 

[Roxie88]

1. Easily flare up
2. Use imtimidation to get his way
3. NO such thing as compromise in his dictionary
4. 'mr nice guy' to all girls and go all the way out to 'help' others at the expense of his gf..

 

[depressedsoul2016]

Brings me to hawker centre (sometimes i have to buy my own food too) while he can lunch with his colleagues at restaurants on normal working days. Not that I mind but the fact that the person is stingy on you but generous on himself shows how little I meant to him.

Uses watsapp to communicate instead of nightly phone calls. Stingy and lack of sincerity.

Gave excuses not to go out with me e.g. (1) cannot arrange for dinner on the day itself as he already ask mum to cook dinner (hello I told him in the morning and his mum already cook dinner? So dumb of me to believe him. Later on i found out his mum only cook dinner in the evening); (2) prefers to go out just once a week (later i found out he was actually busy msg-ing and going out with other girls).

After we took our wedding photoshoot, i put my wedding photo as my watsapp profile pic and ask him to do the same but he didn't. Later, I found out the reason why he didn't... he was trying to msg other girls so not convenient to put his profile pic. And i was so nice not to insist!

One more was something a friend shared with me. It is the way the person holds your hand. If the person does not grasp your fingers tight, but leaves his finger open (not sure how to put it but basically is not firm in holding your hand)... it shows the person is not committed, which turns out to be true in my case.

Well, I was blinded by love to miss all these signs. There are definitely many signs if the person does not love you enough. Be observant!

 

[Infernolord]

One more was something a friend shared with me. It is the way the person holds your hand. If the person does not grasp your fingers tight, but leaves his finger open (not sure how to put it but basically is not firm in holding your hand)... it shows the person is not committed, which turns out to be true in my case.

This is not really the truth la.. I also do not hold my gf tight because i have sweaty palm and i do not like to use my strength. Just interlock fingers and hang there loosely

Other things are quite bad. Why do you marry him in the 1st place?

 

[depressedsoul2016]

I was blinded by my love for him and I only realised later. Anyway, it is never too late to find out the truth, just that it takes courage to walk out of the marriage. I did after much thought. So, men and women out there please open your eyes big big before marriage.

Other things are quite bad. Why do you marry him in the 1st place?

 

[Noobee]

I was blinded by my love for him and I only realised later. Anyway, it is never too late to find out the truth, just that it takes courage to walk out of the marriage. I did after much thought. So, men and women out there please open your eyes big big before marriage.

Even though you open your eyes really big before marriage doesn't mean that your partner won't change. People do change!

 

[newproject]

This is not really the truth la.. I also do not hold my gf tight because i have sweaty palm and i do not like to use my strength. Just interlock fingers and hang there loosely

Other things are quite bad. Why do you marry him in the 1st place?

Yeah I think one thing alone doesn't mean much eg lots of guys don't like talk on phone but will happily whatsapp.

So usually need multiple red flags not just one...

 

[pinkfairy08]

I think one of the tell tale sign is partner getting agitated with you easily while trying to have open communication and flaring up easily..
Guess i am facing it now i felt he becomes super impatient at times and flare up easily even we having normal conversation, not too sure is it stress from work or what.

 

[Noobee]

I think one of the tell tale sign is partner getting agitated with you easily while trying to have open communication and flaring up easily..
Guess i am facing it now i felt he becomes super impatient at times and flare up easily even we having normal conversation, not too sure is it stress from work or what.

May not be, sometimes just show his true character.

 

[miloice]

I think one of the tell tale sign is partner getting agitated with you easily while trying to have open communication and flaring up easily..
Guess i am facing it now i felt he becomes super impatient at times and flare up easily even we having normal conversation, not too sure is it stress from work or what.

The true red flag is when you are left guessing your partner's thoughts and emotions. One should only marry when they understand their partners beyond dating and honeymoon period. If you believe that your spouse should be your soul mate. However, if its just someone to make babies, start a family and stop your folks from nagging, then, your expectations needs to be align. Don't expect more than you are willing to accept in the first place.

 

[pinkfairy08]

Yea well said that is why i find it difficult to communicate with him at times as he is petty and things he refuse to listen he can say, i dont understand what you are saying and we should stop there as this conversation is going no where." But i am not asking him to totally stick to my views or what sometimes it can be views on simple thing like "caring for people" and he can tell me he dont have intuition on that so i merely explain how or what he can do.. and he become agitated and say if i need him i just call him. Sigh the whole point is not i need him 24/7 but at times when i sick or down .

Is there problem with him and how should i communicate?

 

[life_is]

Yea well said that is why i find it difficult to communicate with him at times as he is petty and things he refuse to listen he can say, i dont understand what you are saying and we should stop there as this conversation is going no where." But i am not asking him to totally stick to my views or what sometimes it can be views on simple thing like "caring for people" and he can tell me he dont have intuition on that so i merely explain how or what he can do.. and he become agitated and say if i need him i just call him. Sigh the whole point is not i need him 24/7 but at times when i sick or down .

Is there problem with him and how should i communicate?

If you are married to him don't worry. There is no department in government that will help any man. Tried and tested plus even asked minister if he can accept those standards for himself. So there you go, use the women's charter to get him to behave.

 

[confusedlife]

Need guys opinion.
If you keep wanting to leave the guy but he wants you to stay but yet every time puts you down, blame and shame you. When you try to talk things nicely and suggest to part amicably and the person just says you have a bad habit of being too emotional, what does he really want?

 

[Infernolord]

Need guys opinion.
If you keep wanting to leave the guy but he wants you to stay but yet every time puts you down, blame and shame you. When you try to talk things nicely and suggest to part amicably and the person just says you have a bad habit of being too emotional, what does he really want?

Honestly speaking.. I feel.
He just want you to be around. He doesnt love you that much. Love comes with respect and doesnt shame and blame.
Of cos you must be also be clear that you do not get the wrong message. Alot of times, guys try to explain and teach their gf. talk alot of big theories. But their gf take it as bf indirectly shaming her, making her feel stupid. Sighz
This is really true. U must not be emotional to judge him. Is he telling you to make u a better person? Yes-then he is not blaming or shaming you.

However, you really think he just want to shame and blame u everytime. Then i do feel that he do not love you.
Maybe he just not sure if you are the one. He want you to be around until he found a new one.. haha humans are like that.
Of cos you have to look out for the red flags Roxie mentioned, if all these reflect on him.. then it could be a big red flag u shld be aware.

1. Easily flare up
2. Use imtimidation to get his way
3. NO such thing as compromise in his dictionary
4. 'mr nice guy' to all girls and go all the way out to 'help' others at the expense of his gf..

 

[miloice]

Need guys opinion.
If you keep wanting to leave the guy but he wants you to stay but yet every time puts you down, blame and shame you. When you try to talk things nicely and suggest to part amicably and the person just says you have a bad habit of being too emotional, what does he really want?

If a man really loves you, he wants you to be happy. This could mean leaving you as well. If someone just stick to you regardless, that isn't love.

 

[confusedlife]

If a man really loves you, he wants you to be happy. This could mean leaving you as well. If someone just stick to you regardless, that isn't love.

miloice,

Exactly what my gut feel tells me. But then if there is no love, why does he want to stick around?

 

[Infernolord]

miloice,

Exactly what my gut feel tells me. But then if there is no love, why does he want to stick around?

I think i take back my words.. Reading your past posts, i hope you are referring to your husband not your lover.
your hubby is around because of your kid, for the family. This is different from being single and attached.
I believed you stay around this rs bcos of the commitments.

Again, if you are going back to your lover, then again its another story. Its just free xxxx for him, that why he stick around.

 

[confusedlife]

Don't want to deviate from the main topic here .Nothing to do with my past. That is long over. I did ask my husband if he still loves me and if he does, we should work towards rebuilding the relationship as both of us have erred and it takes time to remedy.
If he is staying just for the kids, then he should tell me honestly.

 

[florallure]

miloice,

Exactly what my gut feel tells me. But then if there is no love, why does he want to stick around?

Humans are social animals. Especially so for some people. He may be scared of being alone, so he is sticking around just for the sake of having you by his side. No love, no feelings nevermind. As long as got someone to vent anger on, nag to or just an avenue to relieve stress. You get it.

 

[Infernolord]

Don't want to deviate from the main topic here .Nothing to do with my past. That is long over. I did ask my husband if he still loves me and if he does, we should work towards rebuilding the relationship as both of us have erred and it takes time to remedy.
If he is staying just for the kids, then he should tell me honestly.

There you go. He said he love you. If he is staying for the kids, means he know what is important and he trying to work out as well.. And he love you.

Maybe he is taking forgranted and maybe, I think, it is easy to say to forgive but most of them cannot forget. Both you have a hole to fill up.
Fundamentals and values have torn apart. It takes alot of patience and time.
It is not healthy to leave things hanging there and move on.
Have a good chat with him, understand why he is so defensive. .. Why he feel you are emotional ? Did you think too much as well?

 

[Noobee]

Hi all

Try reading this book

 

[geroithe]

Need guys opinion.
If you keep wanting to leave the guy but he wants you to stay but yet every time puts you down, blame and shame you. When you try to talk things nicely and suggest to part amicably and the person just says you have a bad habit of being too emotional, what does he really want?

babe that's the first sign of emotional abuse. he's basically saying all the fault is with you, and that he loves you despite your flaws but still puts you down. WALK AWAY.

watch this: