RE : Questions for guys

D

doubtguy

New Member
- Your partner don't allow you to meet up female friends? Even just for a makan session?

- Does she stop you from meeting colleagues or friends outside work to chill, stating reason that it's not necessary after work??

- Questioned you on facebook/ friendster pictures and people added?

- Unknown people in MSN.

- Does she check on your cellphone now and then for unknown number or smses?


yup, other than the last sentence, all is under my wife checklist. Is she mad?? hahahaha

I just feel kinda horrible since I'm neither very popular, very hunky, smart nor those boysih/ handsome guys that any girl would bother to snatch away from. hahahahaha. My humour is pretty dry too at time :P

partner = Wife or GF
 


Hmm...sounds like she is a very insecure person. She probably has some bad experience prior to marrying you which has caused her to somehow distrust you being together with other girls?

Do talk to her and find out the root of the problem...don't just brush it away with excuses such as she is mad, etc...
 
hmm ... I m ok leh to be honest. She is probably insecure.

Just that given my nature, outspoken type .... I just wana know more people outside I guess.

How to assure her that I'm not fooling around and yet still okay?
 
hahahah .. i wouldn't know cos the husband doesn't have many friends aside from his colleagues. he's recently started picking up photography, joined a photography club and he goes to their outings by himself .. initially i did tease him a bit *lol* but it's all ok ..
happy.gif


but hor, the husband likes to sit next to me while i'm on the laptop and his eyes will wander to see what i'm doing online .. i will then ask him what he's doing .. he said he cannot help but to look since he's got eyes. argh! i don't stand next to him when he's on his comp!!
 
Err ...told u I have a dry sense of humour, hahahaha ... she is not mad of course.

Insecure is probably the cause but I never done silly things to her before so why doubt me?

Do I look like Brad Pitt?? whaahahahahaha
 
Hi Cuclainne,

My colleague are all the young ones around my age, I'm the leading pack as I am oldest of the lot. (33 yo)

My company got bowling function every 2 weeks, wifey not happy i go so I restrict myself to a bowling session every 2 mths ... but e question is ... y so ??? Any men facing such issues before without knowing why??
 
Hmm...you never know, to her you might look like Brad Pitt ;)

Anyway, I used to have the same problem with my hubby (then my boyfriend) and after he reassured me and proved that he can be trusted, I laid off his case and even became friends with some of the girls.

So if you want to go out with female friends, do go out in a group instead of one to one outing...and if can, bring your wife along
happy.gif
 
Problem is,

I have lost contact with the rest of my ex classmate except my friend.
She is facing divorce and she is pretty low but doing okay.
I only want to be there for her till she is okay.

Don't think too much of it thou.
 
doubtguy,

if u noticed, no guy actually bothered to reply... the reason why i'm posting is out of pity...

u have no frens, u're controlled by your wife, have fears of her, ditch frens to please her, and u're seeking adivce here which u're not interested in.

your humour is not dry cos there's none, u just need someone to know how sorry your life is and how u have ditched your Life to be with the woman u call your wife.

stay faithful n close to your wife and never leave her. i think it's good that u're sacrificing yourself to keep her out of the lives of the rest of the local population.

try to find a mutual fren to plan your funerals and write a living-will... cos either of u die, or if u both die together, nobody will know anything nor actually bother too much. u live for her and she live controlling u... u're the perfect couple, u just dun know it yet.

suggest u guys have kids just to have a common interest.

u're such a Loser and your wife is a bigger loser thinking any girl would want u. seriously only insecure girls would find u remotely interesting... to the rest of the world u're a loser who can't even stand up for your right to be there for your own frens...

pple like u and wife typically die lonely, in case nobody told u.
 
Your wife controls you. And it seems to me that you do enjoy her controlling and attention from the jovial tone of your posts. I believe likely you will just go back and carry on submitting to her.
 
How old is your wife? she's behaving like what i did when I was 18...

but guys, brother here is just respecting his wife and not be scared of her???
 
Doubtguy,
Interesting, I wonder are you okay with this arrangement. I have a situation not somewhat similar but also like to hear from forummers.

I am attached with my current gf after going thr seperation and divorce recently. During my legal seperation, I get to know some gals and hv exlusive dating. I met my gf along the way and we becomes exclusive. I hv told her abt my past and the gals I met.

As I am still in touch with some ex, my gf forbids me to meet up with them even is just casual chat. I hv also told them that I am currently attached. Reason my gf forbids is that I got to know them after my seperation and there is still a possibility that things might happened if I meet them.

Out of respect and avoid misunderstanding, I decided not to meet them. Is my gf unreasonable? Thk.
 
Hi Stuv55,

Perhaps it's all about insecurity.

I know about it from day one. I won't try to change what she thinks. I just want to know if she is okay in her mindset.

Okay or not depends on situation, I only find myself sometimes unable to do things freely. Got to think twice.

Most of the forummers are being vocal in their post. They can post whatever they want to say and whether they practise it or not, it's not my problem.
happy.gif


For your case, depends on your GF on why she forbid you from doing so.

- Did you meet your ex in the wee of the night?
- Your ex are always dangerous in the sense they might just come back into your life again.
- You skip your date with ur Gf so that you can meet them?
- You still have ex pictures attached everywhere such that she feels you are not moving on?
- She has some previous emotional issues not resolved (I suspect my wife also)

There's a lot of possibility on your case but I guess she just doesn't want to lose you, that's it.
 
doubtguy,

if u think it's ok, i'm wondering the reason behind posting in the first place... and it's funny u actually think u're totally right in watever it is u think u're right in. your post suggest your mind is closed, so i'm wondering why the invite for comments at all? since u so clearly state tat it's not your problem on whether we practise wat we preach.

sank too deep in the sh!t and totally unaware of the sh!tty environment.... for a person in sh!t, what's there to offer advise to another?
 
Jasmine...

All I can say is that your definition of respect is very much different from ours...

Back to Doubtguy...

Yes, by all means, stick to the status quo if you are comfortable with it...
Bear in mind that the situation could potentially worsen down the road...

Then what next for you?
No friends around you...
No social life...
Miserable...

What you should be doing now is to assess and decide if the situation is going to worsen over the next few years.
Pretending that nothing is happening and thinking that she's okay to behave the way that she is now is not going to be very helpful...

PS: If you dont give a shit about what other people think, then my advice to you is DON'T post any future questions again. It's very insulting to people who bother to take the time to response to you...
 
Back to square 1 afterall like I mentioned earlier. Probably it's the subconcious insecurities that both parties have.

Although TS knew the controlling nature of wife, at the same time he is trying to justify for it. Very common reaction seen from henpecked males cos it's weighing on pride. Then lament, but not seeking for improvements.

Stuv55, if there's a possibility that things will happen, it can happen anytime. Not only because you are just out of separation. Even when you are at work, in the bookshop, anywhere, things might happen. What if you bump into them on the streets?

Turn and run? Better do not let your gf know if you really do meet them coincidentally. Cos of her nature, I very much predict she will kick up a fuss as well. Even best if you bumped into them together with your gf. Just imagine.
 
I appreciate your kind comments.
Doubtguy, The answer to all the things u list is NO. I just find that she is unreasonable, we try to rationalise but is getting nowhere. To avoid ma fun (trouble), I just stop seeing them. Deep in my heart, I just dont feel right. BTW, I am divorced.

Her take:
Those gal are someone that I met after my seperation,meeting them now when I am in a relationship is not right. Old flame will rekindle. Unless it is someone I know long time ago before my matrimonial problems, she will have issues with my meeting with them.

My take:
Since I m in a committed relationship with her, why is she so worry abt me going back to those gal. Moreover, I have been married for a long time before divorce, except for some close friend, I hardly meet any one else, why restrict me to who I meet. Perhaps my fallacy is to tell her too much on my past when I know her.


My gf is a very smart lady, someone in the mid 30s, single, holding very senior position. She is able to articulate and analysize situation pretty well. She can tell whether am I lying.

As it is, it is a contest of will. I find her unreasonable but she think otherwise. I am also not a controllable person and like to hv my say.

Mr Powder, I find your reasoning skill very sound in most of the post, I take my hats off to u. Care to comment and advised?
 
well stuv,

couldn't get into your shoes just now to give anything useful so i didn't. currently trading some deals and in a bad frame to give anything worthy...

for now i'll just say this - i typically reveal less to gals who are insecure. they have a tendency to take every ounce of info u give them, to INSTEAD - feed their insecurities, when all u wanted was to assure them. some will use your goodwill info - AGAINST u.

so i guess just enjoy the relationship for wat it is, and dun sink too deep yet. it's gonna be painful... the insecure, controlling, restrictive ones always are... and if u meet one who is fantastic with emotional blackmail - u're as good as a zombie. u will lose yourself very soon.
 
tell her that she need to have some faith in herself and have some faith in you too.

isn't everything about trust?

I think she might be a bit low self esteem
 
with that "stories", communication will improve... building up the faith in each other and also understanding each other better.

That give us the answer for all those questions that were post
 
Powder says :

"sank too deep in the sh!t and totally unaware of the sh!tty environment.... for a person in sh!t, what's there to offer advise to another?"

How true!

The Blind Leads The Blind!

Doubtguy says :

"I know about it from day one. I won't try to change what she thinks. I just want to know if she is okay in her mindset. "

Is so contradicting. If u wont try to change what she thinks, which seems that u are "ok" with her sort of thinking, than what 4 u want to know if her mindset is ok ? Whether her mindset is ok or not ok, u also wont try to change her thinking anyway right ?

Seems to me, u really have nothing better to do.

"Most of the forummers are being vocal in their post. They can post whatever they want to say and whether they practise it or not, it's not my problem"

If u think u ve such high EQ, IN the first place, what for u seek other's opinions ?

Again, it seems like u ve nothing better to do.
 
i have been in such r/s and from day one, i told myself to explain my values. so, if someone is like that and i know i cannot live with the person like that 10 yrs down the road, i'll choose to leave the person.
 
I cant unwind now, as things told to her is before and during our exclusive relationship. It is also difficult to change my open style in a relationship. If I try to change now, she will noticed the difference.

My gf is not low esteem, she had many relationship in the past. She is also not an insecure person. Just that her views and mine is different. She feels that it is not right for me to meet those gals.

Having say that, you think I should go ahead to meet them. Obviously, she is not in a position to stop me if I insist. On the other hand, things will unbecome unpleasant if I go ahead. Do you think it worthwhile to sacrifice the relationship just for this. We have know each other for 2 years.
 
Doubtguy,
You enjoy this arrangement with your spouse? Does your job requires entertainment, frquent travel etc. How do you overcome this?
 
stuv55,

personally, i will not drop frens nor contacts when i get attached... this has always been made clear when dating... i dun tell my gfren/wife that they are the most important in my life becos they're not, i am not affected by my romantic genes to say things i cannot keep to. my balance in life is more like 20%mum, 20%wife, 20%frens, 20%me, 20%world. girls who can't accept being part of the 5 aspects in my life - i stop dating nomatter how much i like them. once the euphoria fades - u will find yourself overpromising, and under-delivering. we always do.

so in your case, i would just go ahead with my activities after explaining to her. tell her why i need to have this aspect of life and why this aspect makes me the person i am. and if she curbs it, she curbs and change me into another person.

i think u get the picture... losing ourselves is the worst thing to do to those we love. changing ourselves is not.
 
powder,
You hit the nail, I believe human mind can be programme. If we continued giving in, one will take for granted.
The only problem with me is I dislike ma fun, having to explain the situation and sometimes engaged in emotional war. Hence, most time I weigh the pros and cons.

It is precisely this behaviour that other half capitalised on. I guess sometimes I need to put in effort to effect changes to the other person. Thk for your stuff.......
 
i know wat u mean cos i also dun like the trouble of explaining... i guess to avoid that, it's by making clear at the very early stages What sort of person u are. we dun stop 1 life to start another, we add on to our lives... Any person coming After - is added to our life, and that includes our gfren.

if a girl comes and makes me feel like i have to say goodbye to the rest of my life, then i will stop dating her... it's fine to make adjustments... like cutting down, but to kill that aspect would be crazy...

my frens are just as willing and able to be with me at my deathbed.
 
there isn't a one for all solution. But generally, one should avoid extremes. Losing oneself completely and being completely controlled and untrusted, this isn't healthy.

What is the purpose of starting this thread? To find out if this is extreme enough?

Giving in for such extreme scenario is only encouraging the partner to go on this way.

Not advising u to scold her or something. But, u should be understanding and yet assertive. You need to know what's the limit and be firm on that. Help to influence her. Let her reflect on how patient you are willing to be for her BUT, you will need her to grow up. A relationship is a 2 way thing, the couple learn and grow together. You don't just let her run all over u with her demands. Nothing is learnt except that this is the way she can get things done. I'm afraid that's the wrong message that you are getting across.

When u adjust and learn to accept for who she is, u learn to manage her insecurity. NOTE, u manage it, not let the insecurity manage the relationship. U do so with constant effective communication, assurance and learning to anticipate her worries and concerns. Then, you let her realize its OK to let go and trust. NEVER just give in. Giving in is only temporary to get her to calm and feel more comfortable and assured. Thereafter, FOLLOW-UP with the needed reflection to influence her.
 
stuv,
this dislike 'mah fun' behavior is pretty instinctive. But, if you think deeper, most of the time, complete avoidance is merely rolling and accumulating the snowball. Don't be lazy and expect nice end product without putting in the effort.

If you choose an insecure partner, then u need to learn how to cope with that together with your partner. Its all part of the bargain. For some, they just dump the gal and let her learn and reflect upon herself. While others, learn to be understanding and patient spouses to these ladies. Both way, they can learn from it. But, with u trying to siam and just conforming, it instill the resentment in you + encourage her to be more unreasonable in future.

In short, you are sabotaging the relationship yourself. A common mistake that we do not take responsibility for. Instead, we blame the partner. But, all the long, she is like this and what u did only further encourage the behavior
 
Milo,
I suppose the first post is target at TS. It is obvious with words like extreme. My situation is different. I weight the pros and cons of going out with the gals. Meaning, if I insist in going out, is it worth the hassle after the outing. I dont know whether its tantamount to conforming to her in such instance.

My gf hv some feministic character, she trying to use logic to explain to me why I should not see them. Obviously, I think otherwise. Hence, we are deadlock. She think that I add unneccesary variable to the relationship if I go out with this group of gals, some are my ex gf.

On reflection, maybe she is insecured but she denied.
 
stuv, yes. 1st mesg was for the TS not u.

One has to realize that values and reasoning differs for everyone. Being different isn't wrong. She shouldn't be trying to convince u but rather accept the difference and try to work out the difference together. None of u need to become the other party and start believing and thinking like one another. u have been in several relationships to know better what u really want and need. Does she fit in to that?
 
Hi Stuv,

I can only say maybe she expects better behaviour from you than to 'trying' to flirt around. To you, it's not flirt, to her, yes it is ... especially since you are a divorcee and maybe to her, you're trying to make up for lost ground?
Just guessing anyway ...
happy.gif


For my case, it could be she feels I am capable of really have a hell of a fling outside.
Why not and after all, I'm not dead.
happy.gif


sigh .....
 
powder, does ur wife knows about this? > "my balance in life is more like 20%mum, 20%wife, 20%frens, 20%me, 20%world"
 
answer can be found in the statement following your quote.

my balance in life is more like 20%mum, 20%wife, 20%frens, 20%me, 20%world. girls who can't accept being part of the 5 aspects in my life - i stop dating nomatter how much i like them

i dun aim to cheat anyone by outperforming myself during dating, and then die down after that.

the reason why some girls, most girls keep thinking back on nice memories of their past relationships is becos the guys were mostly outperforming themselves, beyond who they really are.
 
Takes maturity to understand and honesty to admit that. In fact, it is something which we all know that we do not make or take up 100% of our partner's time and vice versa. But it seems to be the white lie that most voluntarily fall gullible to?

Wife ever asked me for my views before. To me where is my priority in ranking? She, Family or Friends? I replied her the saying in mandarin. To me, back of palm is flesh, front of palm is also flesh.

Let's be honest. Would you take it seriously if your partner tells you that you are everything in his/her life and and without you he/she will die? It's just the feeling "Song" factor to hear that nia. As if without you the other party will not survive or find happiness?

We have to share the pie of our lives for various parties and ourselves, while weighing priorities on circumstances. I would be more worried than happy if my partner gonna tell me that I am the major part of life that she lives for. I will find her having no life. Happiness is to be able to balance everything. Self, Work, family, spouse, friends and etc.

People who solely juz depends on one or two aspects and ommit the rest mostly lead unhappy lives. Either ending up henpecked, mummy's boy or claim slogging for the family, too much sacrifices, blah blah blah

PS: People who used those "you are my everything slogan" got backfired most of the time by what they told to the others. Because they gave commitments which they are not able to fulfill.
 
I don't think its as simple as a balance of 20% on each part. One needs to realize and understand there is a time for everything. Time where we will focus more on the marriage but other time when we channel our focus on other aspects too.

More importantly, everyone quantifies things with reference to what we value. Things we do not value, we don't give it any credit. In other words, each of us have a different measurement. It is not wise to spend time measuring and then fighting and getting upset over these measurements. Its a total lost cause.

Respect the differences in us vs our spouses. Give and take and stop wasting time trying to and balance to our own personal scale.
 
- Your partner don't allow you to meet up female friends? Even just for a makan session?
yes. i dun allow. unless i m ard.

- Does she stop you from meeting colleagues or friends outside work to chill, stating reason that it's not necessary after work??

if it is 1 big grp den it is fine. but usually he will bring me along unless it is a all guy outing.

- Questioned you on facebook/ friendster pictures and people added?
usually i dun qn, anyway he seldom go in fb or friendster

- Unknown people in MSN.
depend.. but i will see if some1 msn him. that wat he do oso. he oso will see my msn when ppl msn me

- Does she check on your cellphone now and then for unknown number or smses?
yes... once in a while....
 
hi,
some ideas to gain her trust.

- Your partner don't allow you to meet up female friends? Even just for a makan session?

Suggestion : Volunteer to invite her (of cos u let your friend know ahead too). If she declines, call her during the session or send SMS to update her on when u think u would be done.

With time, she will be more comfortable with you meeting up with at least this particular lady friend.

About the handphone thing, handle it like mature adults. You are not a criminal, neither is she a detective or something. Avoid any stupid police and thief game. Volunteer information to gain trust and at the same time request for her to learn to respond to your initiative with more trust.

If she does check your mobile, no need to react badly. Talk to her, volunteer to give her the reassurance so that it minimize the need for her insecurity. Don't start this who is in the right arguement. No marriage and relationship is maintain by being correct all of the time. Its about growing from the mistakes together. Feedback positively to grow from the lessons.
 
"- Your partner don't allow you to meet up female friends? Even just for a makan session?

Suggestion : Volunteer to invite her (of cos u let your friend know ahead too). If she declines, call her during the session or send SMS to update her on when u think u would be done. "

The above idea worked well for my case. It showed that we had nothing to hide from our spouses. I always meet up my friends every weekend. My hb was asking me on the profiles of my friends and was curious about my gatherings. I was lazy to elaborate on my friends one by one, so I just invited him along "Why not you join us at my gathering? Then you can know them better.". From then onwards, he hardly questioned me about my friends hehe.
 
haha.. greenie, if my bf ask me abt a particular frnd i am miting up with, i will just ask him to login my facebook and go to that frnd's profile.. nah, all the info you wan is all there!

seriously, i find it irritating if a guy frnd often brings his gf/wife along to our gathering if the gf/wife's motive is to keep a tab on our activities and behaviors...
but if the gf/wife is to join us for the fun, den she is of cos most welcome.
 
"Suggestion : Volunteer to invite her (of cos u let your friend know ahead too). If she declines, call her during the session or send SMS to update her on when u think u would be done."

Feeding her insecurity further? This is quite a bad habit to cultivate and maintain.

Why do we need to prove we have nothing to hide from spouse/partner? Why do we have to prove our innocence? If we have nothing to hide, there is nothing to be addressed at all, instead of constantly having to declare we did not do this or we are not that.
 
i look at the above posts, and i'm thinking to myself... My, there's quite alot of insecure pple around who need to spend more time proving themselves than actually living life.

that's a generic statement... but seeing the above makes me realise that alot of pple are obsessive abt proving their 'innocence', and alot of pple need others to prove their 'innocence'. this whole mentality seems to stem from the tests and exams from our education system... alot of proving, alot of grading, alot of checking...

time to re-assess if it's healthy.
 


milo,

having a 20% spread (+/-5%, pls dun take it til exactly 20%) is Not Simple. it's not simple at all... Most pple flop at it.

i manage it becos of a simple reason... i didn't date the girls that most pple date, i didn't do the things that most pple do, i didn't promise things that most pple promise, i didn't marry the wives that most pple did.

let me summarise this week's nite activities after working 9-8pm daily. Mon - houseviewing with colleague, dinner with agent. Tues - dinner with fren. yday - 1hr outing with wife/kid, then supper with fren. tonite - dinner/ktv with clients. fri nite - unplanned, likely mahjong. i'm seldom home before 1am.

'hands up' - the wives who complain... my wife Won't.

tat's why it's simple for me... i made the right choice in gfren/wife. and i'm highly appreciative and aware of the wonderful understanding person my wife is.

i live life daily... i dun think there's actually a split to on "time where we will focus more on the marriage but other time when we channel our focus on other aspects too". i think it's an everyday thing...

i agree we 'Respect the differences in us vs our spouses', But can we go One step ahead and Select the right kind of partners in the first place? - yes we can... unfortunately pple pursue their partners based on looks, finances, sex... amongst other things which are not very Characteristic, but rather - physical.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

H
Need advice urgently
Replies
7
Views
5K
cookie0511
C
buddhabar
Rather be single and happy, than attached but irritated.
Replies
0
Views
5K
buddhabar
buddhabar
E
Need advices for marriage problems faced
Replies
15
Views
6K
acetone
A
C
Stupid Dilemma: really long. Makes for a boring reading if you're an insomniac.
Replies
24
Views
2K
wjchiang
W

Back
Top