Hi all,
I have just came out of a 5 year relationship. Broke up in mid-June, so I guess that makes about 4 months of singlehood.
I have a really good guy friend, Andy. Andy and I have been friends since last year and we share the same humour (not entirely the same but he gets me) and there were times where I thought, after I became single, that if I were to date anyone, I wish it could be Andy. I know Andy very well, and he knows me very well too. There was a night when we went out and he danced with me really closely, we held hands briefly and went out for pizza after. He was pretty affectionate the next day at a close friend's party. But he never asked me out after and I guess I got a little "weirded" out. I planned his birthday dinner and gave him lots of hints, such a flirting with him at parties. At another party, I initiated dancing with the him the way we danced at the first party and I guess nothing really happened. There were moments when he seemed pretty confused. I could tell he was tired and wanted to sit. There was lots of space on the couch I was sitting on but he wouldn't sit with me.
I don't know. I guess if there was any initial sparks, I probably blew it because I never grabbed the bull by its horn and ask him directly how he felt about me. But I thought I was really forward with my hints. We have moments where we were alone and talking about dating in general and he could have asked me out. He knew guys were asking me out. He knows me well enough. And there were ensuing weeks where he didn't really talk to me. I asked to hang out with him during our break and he said he was busy. I know he's busy with assignments because he's quite a procrastinator, like me, so he had to rush. And I think he knows I like him. He is quite perceptive. But he showed up at my birthday party (a smallish picnic) with another girl without telling me he was bringing anyone. She was not from med. He told me that he wasn't dating her but I thought it was pretty rude, firstly to not tell me he's bringing someone, and secondly, to bring her when he knew I liked him.
I guess he just sends me mixed signals but I have such a connection with him on my part. However, at times I am tired, not just of the situation but of our friendship. If I never initiate anything, or if we didn't have to walk the same way back after Uni,or sit in the same spot at lectures, we probably wouldn't keep the friendship going because he never intiates hanging out with me, as in ask me out for coffee or a movie. I dropped hints such as ,"There's a movie coming out that I really want to watch and it's coming out soon!" He would ask me when it's showing and such. Maybe it's all in my head but yah, I got sick of waiting around and so facebooked a few people about the movie and while all replied (yes, no), he never did. But if I ask him to hang out, say, go check out a new youth church with me (which I only asked him coz he's Christian and looking a youth church, I am kinda looking for the same. We are not in our home countries, I have just recently restated my faith after a lot of struggle, mainly just wanting to be sure that God is not my "rebound"), he would and we'll have a good time because we just are really good friends.
I have no idea why I liked him so much. I guess we do go to Church together, he always seem nice to me, we talk a lot about life, Christianity, probably share similar values. I know he ruminates a lot before he makes a decision. And once he makes one he sticks to it. I sometimes wonder if he's just ruminating about asking me out. But I also happen to know this girl he was interested in for a long time very well (he never asked her out because she's an Atheist). The three of us hang out sometimes together and he always seem more interested in talking to her. At lectures, if he had any smart comments to make, or jokes to share, he would preferentially talk to her, or any other girl sitting next to him (I was sitting next to him too), than me. I would be kinda 3rd choice, I supposed, if she or another girl wasn't sitting next to him. They both share this amazing ability to just banter and I always feel like the third wheel when the three of us hang out because quite a number of times, the conversations would just become between him and her, trading witticisms and what not. I admit that I am jealous. Because I do believe that the friendship between me and him, no matter how weird it is, is the closest platonic friendship he has out of the all the girls he knew in Uni. And the night after the party which felt like a date at the end..., the girl showed up with her new boyfriend. He was actually pretty crushed when he found out that she had met someone else a few weeks ago but, really, it's his loss. And I had, at that time, encouraged him to date her just find out if the sparks he felt for her was mutual. It wasn't, by the way, coz the girl is my best friend, and we talked about it recently... but not at that time. I thought they had a connection which was why I encouraged him to ask her out. However, now that I think back on all the times I teased him about finding a match, he would describe a girl that he had a crush on and she sounded suspiciously like me.
I know that he is perhaps wrong for me. He is passive, a chronic procrastinator, ruminates, stubborn. Guess what? I'm the same as well but I can be impulsive. But I really felt this connection with him. And sometimes I feel like if I had been direct and to the point, rather than just flirt openly with him, that maybe he might consider me. But then again, I am not an option! I think that if he finds the amazing Christian girl (basically my best friend but Christian), he would get off his butt and do something about it, and not let her slip away.
So anyhow, there is other amazing guy, Kieran, who got off his butt and asked me out. I was so attracted because he knew me through mutual friends and started face-booking me. We just traded witticisms, jokes... I love it that he writes so well (it's not apparant on this forum but I do write pretty well. Just not when I'm pouring out my confused thoughts). He finally asked me out and we had such a good time that I wanted to go out with him again and again. But I called it off twice because I was only three months out of a long-term relationship then and I don't want a rebound. He gave me space and started being my friend. At the same time, he lets me know, without a doubt, that I was the one he wanted and he would wait.
We are dating now...I feel so happy and secure with him and I want to make him happy too. I want everything good for Kieran... and I think I do make him happy. We share the same humor, we both like going out, we both dance, he's very smart, hard-working, loves my cooking, and he lets me hold him as long as I want. With my ex, we don't really hold hands in public or have much common interests so I guess that strained the relationship for me. But I can't shake off my connection with Andy whom I want all the happiness in the world for. I want to have this connection with Kieran who, rationally, is almost a perfect fit for me. He goes out of his way (he is very busy as we are in med school and he's also taking the USMLE so he could apply to practice in America if he has to as going back to Canada is going to be tough... so that means he's taking 2 major exams almost side by side each other, one from med school and the dreaded USMLE), to spend time with me. I really like him. But my feelings for Andy is stopping me from falling in love with Kieran.
Physically, Andy is the kind of guys I go for. He's very tall and broad, slightly tubby. Kieran has a lean, perfect body and gorgeous brown eyes. This is superficial, Kieran is 5'8, max, and Andy is 6 feet. I know this is so bad but I am drawn, instinctively, to guys over 5'10. But what determines if I do fall in love, is their personality. All my long-term boyfriends, strangely, are 5'8 or just shy of it. Whenever problems cropped up that makes it difficult for me to continue the relationship, I always start getting bitter over their heights. So I thought, this time, to spare me the pain, I'll just go find someone who's 5'11 to 6'3. Most of my guy friends are that tall. But the only tall person I have eyes for is Andy. I'm not saying that they are both physically attractive just because they are Caucasians and look different. They really are considered attractive by anyone's standards.
But with both Andy and Kieran, there is ONE major stumbling block. They are both Canadians. I am Singaporean, of course, and I have Australian PR. Andy really wants to stay in Australia to the point that he's not thinking about the USMLE despite the very real situation that international students in Australia will find it extremely difficult to find internships due to a tsunami of medical students. I'm definitely guaranteed a job so I am not worried at all. Kieran is keeping his options open. He is wary of not finding a placement in Australia and wants to have the option of going to America/Canada if he has to. I am worried that if I commit to Kieran, after two years, he won't be able to stay in Australia and I won't be able to follow him to Canada (Canadians find it hard to go back to practice medicine. Non-Canadians will find it IMPOSSIBLE). So there'll be a real possibility of us breaking up in two years time.
My best friend told me that my attachment to Andy and my qualms about Kieran's height sound like barriers to committing to anything because I can see red flags (especially potential LDR across continents). But most peoeple agree that whenever I talk about Kieran, I sound really into him. I am. Personality and character wise, he's everything I want. He got off his butt to ask me out, has a strong work ethics, covers all bases, is romantic, generous (as generous as he can given a huge student debt), really into me. I also want to cook for him all the time...
If only I hadn't fallen for Andy first. I still harbour some hope and suspicions that he does like me, maybe not enough to stop ruminating about asking me out and just ask me out. And my ex, whom I know I still love very much, is coming today to pick up his books. I broke up with my ex because not only do we have personality crashes but we can't decide on common goals and at a ripe age of 29, I really want to share common goals with someone and work towards it. Sorry for the rant. But yes, I am very confused. I am ruled by both my emotions and my overly rational mind. But they pull in such opposite directions!
I have just came out of a 5 year relationship. Broke up in mid-June, so I guess that makes about 4 months of singlehood.
I have a really good guy friend, Andy. Andy and I have been friends since last year and we share the same humour (not entirely the same but he gets me) and there were times where I thought, after I became single, that if I were to date anyone, I wish it could be Andy. I know Andy very well, and he knows me very well too. There was a night when we went out and he danced with me really closely, we held hands briefly and went out for pizza after. He was pretty affectionate the next day at a close friend's party. But he never asked me out after and I guess I got a little "weirded" out. I planned his birthday dinner and gave him lots of hints, such a flirting with him at parties. At another party, I initiated dancing with the him the way we danced at the first party and I guess nothing really happened. There were moments when he seemed pretty confused. I could tell he was tired and wanted to sit. There was lots of space on the couch I was sitting on but he wouldn't sit with me.
I don't know. I guess if there was any initial sparks, I probably blew it because I never grabbed the bull by its horn and ask him directly how he felt about me. But I thought I was really forward with my hints. We have moments where we were alone and talking about dating in general and he could have asked me out. He knew guys were asking me out. He knows me well enough. And there were ensuing weeks where he didn't really talk to me. I asked to hang out with him during our break and he said he was busy. I know he's busy with assignments because he's quite a procrastinator, like me, so he had to rush. And I think he knows I like him. He is quite perceptive. But he showed up at my birthday party (a smallish picnic) with another girl without telling me he was bringing anyone. She was not from med. He told me that he wasn't dating her but I thought it was pretty rude, firstly to not tell me he's bringing someone, and secondly, to bring her when he knew I liked him.
I guess he just sends me mixed signals but I have such a connection with him on my part. However, at times I am tired, not just of the situation but of our friendship. If I never initiate anything, or if we didn't have to walk the same way back after Uni,or sit in the same spot at lectures, we probably wouldn't keep the friendship going because he never intiates hanging out with me, as in ask me out for coffee or a movie. I dropped hints such as ,"There's a movie coming out that I really want to watch and it's coming out soon!" He would ask me when it's showing and such. Maybe it's all in my head but yah, I got sick of waiting around and so facebooked a few people about the movie and while all replied (yes, no), he never did. But if I ask him to hang out, say, go check out a new youth church with me (which I only asked him coz he's Christian and looking a youth church, I am kinda looking for the same. We are not in our home countries, I have just recently restated my faith after a lot of struggle, mainly just wanting to be sure that God is not my "rebound"), he would and we'll have a good time because we just are really good friends.
I have no idea why I liked him so much. I guess we do go to Church together, he always seem nice to me, we talk a lot about life, Christianity, probably share similar values. I know he ruminates a lot before he makes a decision. And once he makes one he sticks to it. I sometimes wonder if he's just ruminating about asking me out. But I also happen to know this girl he was interested in for a long time very well (he never asked her out because she's an Atheist). The three of us hang out sometimes together and he always seem more interested in talking to her. At lectures, if he had any smart comments to make, or jokes to share, he would preferentially talk to her, or any other girl sitting next to him (I was sitting next to him too), than me. I would be kinda 3rd choice, I supposed, if she or another girl wasn't sitting next to him. They both share this amazing ability to just banter and I always feel like the third wheel when the three of us hang out because quite a number of times, the conversations would just become between him and her, trading witticisms and what not. I admit that I am jealous. Because I do believe that the friendship between me and him, no matter how weird it is, is the closest platonic friendship he has out of the all the girls he knew in Uni. And the night after the party which felt like a date at the end..., the girl showed up with her new boyfriend. He was actually pretty crushed when he found out that she had met someone else a few weeks ago but, really, it's his loss. And I had, at that time, encouraged him to date her just find out if the sparks he felt for her was mutual. It wasn't, by the way, coz the girl is my best friend, and we talked about it recently... but not at that time. I thought they had a connection which was why I encouraged him to ask her out. However, now that I think back on all the times I teased him about finding a match, he would describe a girl that he had a crush on and she sounded suspiciously like me.
I know that he is perhaps wrong for me. He is passive, a chronic procrastinator, ruminates, stubborn. Guess what? I'm the same as well but I can be impulsive. But I really felt this connection with him. And sometimes I feel like if I had been direct and to the point, rather than just flirt openly with him, that maybe he might consider me. But then again, I am not an option! I think that if he finds the amazing Christian girl (basically my best friend but Christian), he would get off his butt and do something about it, and not let her slip away.
So anyhow, there is other amazing guy, Kieran, who got off his butt and asked me out. I was so attracted because he knew me through mutual friends and started face-booking me. We just traded witticisms, jokes... I love it that he writes so well (it's not apparant on this forum but I do write pretty well. Just not when I'm pouring out my confused thoughts). He finally asked me out and we had such a good time that I wanted to go out with him again and again. But I called it off twice because I was only three months out of a long-term relationship then and I don't want a rebound. He gave me space and started being my friend. At the same time, he lets me know, without a doubt, that I was the one he wanted and he would wait.
We are dating now...I feel so happy and secure with him and I want to make him happy too. I want everything good for Kieran... and I think I do make him happy. We share the same humor, we both like going out, we both dance, he's very smart, hard-working, loves my cooking, and he lets me hold him as long as I want. With my ex, we don't really hold hands in public or have much common interests so I guess that strained the relationship for me. But I can't shake off my connection with Andy whom I want all the happiness in the world for. I want to have this connection with Kieran who, rationally, is almost a perfect fit for me. He goes out of his way (he is very busy as we are in med school and he's also taking the USMLE so he could apply to practice in America if he has to as going back to Canada is going to be tough... so that means he's taking 2 major exams almost side by side each other, one from med school and the dreaded USMLE), to spend time with me. I really like him. But my feelings for Andy is stopping me from falling in love with Kieran.
Physically, Andy is the kind of guys I go for. He's very tall and broad, slightly tubby. Kieran has a lean, perfect body and gorgeous brown eyes. This is superficial, Kieran is 5'8, max, and Andy is 6 feet. I know this is so bad but I am drawn, instinctively, to guys over 5'10. But what determines if I do fall in love, is their personality. All my long-term boyfriends, strangely, are 5'8 or just shy of it. Whenever problems cropped up that makes it difficult for me to continue the relationship, I always start getting bitter over their heights. So I thought, this time, to spare me the pain, I'll just go find someone who's 5'11 to 6'3. Most of my guy friends are that tall. But the only tall person I have eyes for is Andy. I'm not saying that they are both physically attractive just because they are Caucasians and look different. They really are considered attractive by anyone's standards.
But with both Andy and Kieran, there is ONE major stumbling block. They are both Canadians. I am Singaporean, of course, and I have Australian PR. Andy really wants to stay in Australia to the point that he's not thinking about the USMLE despite the very real situation that international students in Australia will find it extremely difficult to find internships due to a tsunami of medical students. I'm definitely guaranteed a job so I am not worried at all. Kieran is keeping his options open. He is wary of not finding a placement in Australia and wants to have the option of going to America/Canada if he has to. I am worried that if I commit to Kieran, after two years, he won't be able to stay in Australia and I won't be able to follow him to Canada (Canadians find it hard to go back to practice medicine. Non-Canadians will find it IMPOSSIBLE). So there'll be a real possibility of us breaking up in two years time.
My best friend told me that my attachment to Andy and my qualms about Kieran's height sound like barriers to committing to anything because I can see red flags (especially potential LDR across continents). But most peoeple agree that whenever I talk about Kieran, I sound really into him. I am. Personality and character wise, he's everything I want. He got off his butt to ask me out, has a strong work ethics, covers all bases, is romantic, generous (as generous as he can given a huge student debt), really into me. I also want to cook for him all the time...
If only I hadn't fallen for Andy first. I still harbour some hope and suspicions that he does like me, maybe not enough to stop ruminating about asking me out and just ask me out. And my ex, whom I know I still love very much, is coming today to pick up his books. I broke up with my ex because not only do we have personality crashes but we can't decide on common goals and at a ripe age of 29, I really want to share common goals with someone and work towards it. Sorry for the rant. But yes, I am very confused. I am ruled by both my emotions and my overly rational mind. But they pull in such opposite directions!
